Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
skylar:
Thanks. I bookmarked that article of yours and plan on reading it later when I have time.
Truthspeak:
Thanks. I have to keep that on the forefront…”Feelings are not facts.”
Thank you everyone, sorry it took a while for me to get back (christmas shopping and child keep me occupied). I know I can’t turn into a spath, I guess that was the term I was using for lack of a better explanation. I think a better explanation would be exhibiting characteristics of a spath (after being the target of one). I did read a book about Choice Theory, which I found to be very interesting, however as you all have pointed out, their probably is no conscious choice a spath can make to not manipulate, coerce, use anger or force, or just discard people when they are done (which did not happen in my case, I ended it in both circumstances).
I have tried to relate the ‘feelings are not facts’ to my life, but then I must use that saying only when thinking about the ex’s (one cannot really relate this to good feelings, family or children, in my opinion).
I’ll give you all a little more background with this, both of these men are in the military (one is now currently getting out after 12 years, medically separated from an injury and he does have PTSD; his memory is extremely bad, quite sad. I was married to this one). The other, which I have a child with is a recruiter in the state I live (mind you he is not from here). I had to text him the other day about our child because I had to take her to the doctor (per our court order), he went on to inform me that his girlfriend/fiance had a miscarriage, playing on my sympathy card…sorry dude, my sympathy doesn’t fall with your current girl and a possible child. The irony here is that when he was married before they couldn’t have children (whatever the truth is, I’m not sure), and now that happens, but he *intentionally* got me pregnant when he met me. Intentionally was his word, not mine. …Anyway, maybe too much information, but its very ironic/karmic. On a side note, with my insurance as it is, it doesnt cover psychological services, so I can’t get diagnosed with PTSD or mild depression. However, I believe I do exhibit symptoms of both, and because of the memory problem (not sure if its because of the migraine medication or not) when I try to think of positive memories, there aren’t many memories I can think of without a man, or any memories at all (the last 3 years are a blur, which included; my divorce, the birth of my child, and that crazy spath I list a *psycho* in my phone), and its very unfortunate because I’d like to have memories of my daughter at this age.
I’m glad I found this place…unfortunate as it is for all of us to go through it. Thank you everyone for sharing your story with me, and your advice, I really appreciate it.
Men in the military….reqruiter.(Jerks knee violently, and doesn’t stop.)
Military reqruiters are trained in manipulation….they are taught techniques to persuade, and to break through resistance. They have a speil, and they can adapt it to fit any situation.
They have “jargon.” They call their recruits, “bodies.”
They enjoy sharing colorful exploits that they affectionately call, “dipping the deppers.” What is a depper? A young female recruit, often still in High-school, who has entered into the “Delayed Entry Program” thus, DEP.
My husband delayed entry too. Until she was eighteen.
I lived on a base for about 6 years, and worked there…met a few that were ‘sane’. He wasnt a recruiter when I met him, he decided to do recruiting to fulfill the ‘B billet’, which every Marine has to do (either through drill instructor, recruiting or Marine security guard). My ex-husband was fulfilling his B billet when we met, as a Marine security guard. And you are right that a recruiter will do pretty much anything to meet his/her quota, and/or to be number one.
There is a lot I miss about being a Marine wife, however there is soo much that I don’t. ..I do miss the uniforms, but not the lies!
Dear Coma White,
I’m sorry that your insurance doesn’t cover psych issues. If you are having memory losses you very well could have PTSD. Some migraine medications also cause short term memory problems. (I am a retired registered nurse practitioner)
I suggest that you see if you can get to your phsycian and talk to them about the STmemory problems and maybe get a trial of another kind of migraine medication. Also call a local domestic violence line and see if they have some counseling or group therapy available in your area.
Yes Dupey “Reality is VERY Plastic.” Love you too.
Louise
Sorry I didn’t get to this yesterday the trip turn into a more of an ordeal then expected. Nothing bad just took more time.
What I’m have been writing about is more then just expectation all though expectations is a part of it. I’m talking about is beliefs, the meanings we give things, emotions, the emotional hooks that we place on events, triggers, boundaries, attitudes, values etc.
A thought-created reality—not a circumstance-created reality. We live not in the world but through our minds. Yesterday at a cafe when I asked a waitress how she was doing? She said, “Well, my husband lost his job a couple of weeks ago. We can’t make it on what I make here. Worst part is I have to tell my kids that there is not going to be much of a Christmas. But I’m fine.” Then she smiled and laughed and said, “the kids need to learn it’s not about stuff.” And you could tell she meant what she said. Eyes still gleaming. Head held high. Not slumped over, looking down and sighing. This is “thought-created reality” in action. Her situation sucks but she is not letting it control her. She could have let the circumstances over whelm her and spiraled down and down. She’s a looser. A bad mother. Life is just so unfair. Why is this happening to me. But she went the other way. It’s also “Reality is Plastic” in action.
This is not about being a robot. But it is about clearing up the emotional hooks that can be triggered which places one back into that state of feeling bad. Like seeing the picture of the spath and all those old emotions start boiling up. Clearing out bad events and misunderstanding that are destructive to our lives. Needing someone to validate us, feelings of being unlovable, not belonging, less then, I’ll never amount to anything etc. Clearing up why one is attracted to the spaths. Why one didn’t leave. PTSD. Guilt of going NC. The fear of the spath that keeps one trapped. The feeling like an unsupported little girl. Shame. Feeling like one was born broken. Feelings of being unworthy. The hurt that the spath never love you. Feelings that it is always just happening to you and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. Angry that it seems that spath is unfazed by your pain. The belief that if one was just good enough then they/it would love me and that it would all work out i. e. perfection , having to look right. Can’t stand it when it’s not about you. It can be even that feeling that stops us from dealing with all this other stuff.
One of the things we all face is that the higher the emotional responses we have to a situation the harder it is to override it with our intellect part of the brain. When an high emotional state is triggered in most cases we have to ride it out until it plays out. The only sure fire way of dealing with this is to get rid of the trigger that sets this in motion. That is what the techniques are so good for that I brought up earlier. What is happening is we have assigned an emotion to an event. The emotion corresponds to the meaning we give the event. And we run off of the emotion. Say that the spath or one of your parents looked at you and this “LOOK” took on the meaning that you where “LESS THEN.” So now anytime someone “LOOKS” at you with this “LOOK” you will feel the emotion of “I’m less then.” It is not true but because you believe it. It is now part of your REALITY. When we strip the emotion and the meaning you gave this “LOOK”[event] it no longer means to you that you are “LESS THEN.” There is no emotional reaction to “FUTURE LOOKS.” The look now has no meaning. It becomes just a “look.” Even the past event where you decide that it meant that you where “LESS THEN” has no meaning. This works for all events. Beliefs are a little different in that there is always a statement with the memory. “No one loves me” I’m Blessed.” This statement has to be erased too. Change the meaning and it changes our REALITY of the event. “REALITY IS VERY PLASTIC.”
And yes you do need to get control of your emotions. What this means is that one needs to see that the emotion is not coming from the world [others, circumstances, events etc.] but from us. We created the emotions. It is true that the script is already written. That we are just automatically responding to events with preprogram emotional responses. We match up our predetermined emotion/meaning that closely matches the event. And we are off. It our program says pissed off then we get pissed off. But we created these script. We are not locked into them for life. We can choose a different emotional response if we want too.
And yes it is this simple. Might not seem that way when one first begins. It can be overwhelming when we look at it all. But the process is that simple. In fact you don’t even need to know why your doing what your doing. A lot of time we really don’t know why we are doing it. When we don’t know why we look at the results. Same with others “Actions speak louder then words” [a boundary rule]. If I say I love you but my action say I despise you then the truth is I despise you.
If you have any question just ask. I’ll answer what I can and what I can’t I’ll help you find.
None of us are broken. Everything we do and feel we do very well. And we learned all of this.. So we are capable of learning a more constructive way of doing and feeling.
spoon
spoon:
Haha, OK…I already do what the waitress in the cafe did so I must be on the right track. I don’t go around woe is me (well, maybe sometimes, but I am human). I do just what she does…plaster a smile on my face and act like all is fine. I always mean what I say and I hold my head high. We have to. What alternative do we have?
Louise
You missed the whole point of the story.
spoon
spoon:
Oh geez.