Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
stormy
Hi, I’ll gladly help. Sometimes it takes a few times before we get it. Sometimes it seemed that the only way I got it was by hitting my head against a telephone pole. I’ll keep explaining as many times as it takes.
The technique is at the link below. It goes by many names. I’m headed out the door. But when I get back I’ll try to explain it again. Read it and ask whatever questions you have. There are only good questions.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/07/30/after-the-sociopath-make-a-decision-to-recover/comment-page-1/#comment-166961
Spoon,
Thanks for the link. I did get the part about the exploding smurf but was confused by the pinching. I guess I just don’t know what “event” I am supposed to go back to. Would it be one when I was a child that caused the abandonment issue, and I’m sure there were more than one, or is it one(s) from my 20 years with the spath?
Thanks for your help, and I’ll keep reading.
A guy I’m sort-of friends with (I see him very occasionally) was involved with a sociopath six years ago. He still refers to it today, in great depth (specifically, that she abused him emotionally). I’m not negating what he went through at all, as I have had my own experiences with spaths and those experiences were horrible and I’m aware my comment here may be seen as such. But I am wondering, having read this article, when enough is enough for those who were targeted by/involved with spaths.
What’s also worth mentioning is that not one person in his wide group of very nice and supportive friends has ever taken her side, he has full support from all of his friends. So it’s like he refuses to get over it, particularly as she does not contact him (hasn’t done for 2 years), he has no interaction with her at all whether at social events or anything else. His friends know never to invite them both to the same event so she’s pretty much out of his life. It genuinely feels like he’s choosing to live in the past and not try and feel better and I don’t know what to do to help.
Stormy
The exploding smurf is a separate technique from the emotional remover or decision destroyer. Different names for the same technique. There may be even more names for it.
The abandonment issue is a separate issue from the “missing and wanting him” even though they may be linked.
The simple explanation of the removal process is you are going to play the memory in reverse. This can also be used on the crap we say to ourselves. And any emotional state that is causing problems.
The steps.
1) Sit down and replay the event in your head. When you feel the emotions from the event reach over and pinch yourself, doesn’t matter where and hold it. It doesn’t have to be hard, just so that you feel it. What this does is anchor the emotional state so you can hold on to this state and do step 2. As long as you hold this anchor you will stay in this emotional state.
2) Now let your mind go back in time to where the event happened. Now go past the event if the emotional state drops off then go back to the event and go to the next step.. If it doesn’t then continue going back in time till you hit the next event and check passed it. What we are looking for is where this emotion first started. But if you don’t get the first one it’s no big deal. If the emotional state shows back up just go kill it again.
Now that we have the problem event we want to Killing the emotions hooked it.
Pretend your setting in the projection room of a movie theater. There is a thick glass window and nothing can get to you. [you can let go of pinching yourself.] Now play the movie of the event backwards about double speed. When it ends, the screen goes blank. Play it again. Screen goes blank. Play it again faster. Each time it ends the screen goes blank. Now around the fourth time let the movie screen start sliding out and keep running the movie and just let it keep sliding until it disappears.
When it has disappeared. Step back into the event right before it happened and follow it back to the present then watch it continue on into the future. This will clear out any other events that use this emotional state in the past and in the future.
If you have trouble seeing the movie not a big deal. You know it is there. The effects will be the same.
If you have trouble finding the seed event. This is where you have followed it all through your past but you can still feel it out there beyond you. Simply turn your head toward the feeling. This one you will kill by turning your head through the feeling. You will feel the pressure of it like a bubble. With this one you’ll butt it up against your temple and then move your head until it is passed the other temple. For most left to right. And you will feel it as it passes from temple to temple. Do this repeatedly. Then when you can push it out and let it slide out just like the movie exercise.
The effects is you can still remember the event but there will not be the emotional state hooked to it. So it becomes a non-experience event. The event will have no meaning to you. The other effectss you’ll have a hole in your head. You may be more emotional, cry, angry etc.. Sleep can be messed up for a few nights. All short term. The bigger the emotional state that was killed the greater the effects, will be. And it can open up other things you have suppressed or forgotten about. This is a good thing. If it is in you then it will effect you until it is dealt with.
The steps will shorten as you do this a few times to the point that you will no longer need to do the projector room you will just play the move backwards, letting it slide out of sight and follow it back to the present and let it move on out to the future.
Another pointer is any time you find one that you want to kill an emotional state but you can’t do immediately. Just anchor it with the pinch and with this one pinch a little harder but don’t bruise yourself. Now when you have the time pinch the same place with the same two fingers and the emotional state will pop up and you can follow it back and kill it. Make sure that you pinch a place you will remember. Like squeeze the middle finger. In a sense your flipping off the emotional state.
Next I’ll explain anchoring. Then how to take out the “missing and wanting him.” Then different ways to use this. Then the abandonment issue.
Anchoring. Then how to take out the “missing and wanting him.”
Lots of stuff can be done with anchoring but I’m sticking to the emotional destroyer. Think I can kill two birds here.
This will take 15 to 30 minutes to do. Sit in a comfortable chair but don’t lay down.
What you want to do is to bring up the feeling of what you want to remove the emotions from. I’ll use “missing and wanting him.” What you do is let the feels you have for this guy build up. The higher the emotions the better. Now when you get those feelings take your index finger and thumb of one hand say your left and hold on to your right thumb joint. Doesn’t have to be hard just enough so you feel it. What this does is to anchor the feelings you have for him so you can go back in time to where they first appeared.
So you have the feelings and you have anchored them. Now holding the anchor. Close your eyes and follow this feeling back in time. When you get there it will feel like a bubble. This is where you decided you had these feeling for him.
Now do the theater part and run the movie of this event backwards.
Pretend your setting in the projection room of a movie theater. There is a thick glass window and nothing can get to you. [you can let go of pinching yourself.] Now play the movie of the event backwards about double speed. When it ends, the screen goes blank. Play it again. Screen goes blank. Play it again faster. Each time it ends the screen goes blank. Now around the fourth time let the movie screen start sliding out and keep running the movie as it slides out. Until it disappears.
When it has disappeared out of sight. Step back into the event right before it happened and follow it back to the present then watch it continue on into the future. This will clear out any other events that use this emotional state in the past and in the future.
Ok about the following it back to now. Think of the timeline as a tunnel and your flying back through to the present. You may hit some parts that slow you down just push through and keep going. What this is, is other bubbles that are tied to, in this case the “missing and wanting him.” And we want all of them to be removed.
Now your back into the present and you want to watch this force slide out into the future. See it as a ball of light and it is going through your timeline into the future. This will take out any future events that may have been planned.
I’ll stop here until you let me know that you understand it.
Hello Everyone,
First time blogger. I am three months out of my 18mth (off & on) relationship with a psychopath. When I saw “the monster” I told her I wanted her, “Out of my house and out of my life.” The first eight weeks she mercifully left me alone. Then it began. First an inappropriate sexual text on my cell. Then she left a few of my personal belongings on my deck (she stole a lot from me.) I was not home at the time. Then a message on my home phone, two more text messages on my cell, one more item left by my front door, and $40 of the money she owes me (r u kidding me?!) left on my deck under a statue. All at different days/times. When she left the money I was home. No, I did not answer her knocks. Just like I have ignored every text and phone call. She hung around outside for almost 20 minutes. I’m certain she was very unhappy about the fact that I now have curtains up and drawn on every window. I live far out from town. I never worried about anyone peering in my windows, until now. And I know this is only the beginning.
I am perturbed about getting involved with “crazy”, however, what really annoys me now is that I cannot go to my AA meetings and committee meetings (25 years clean and sober), and I cannot move freely about my small community or favorite haunts. I have it on good authority that she is now going to every AA meeting here locally (she told me she was 27 years sober..but didn’t like any of the meetings here or the people in them) and my friends and family have run into her everywhere. She is creepin’, no doubt about it. She hates to lose. And she thinks I am her chattel. She feels entitled to come on my property at will.
If I speak about her folks want to make logic, and of course there is none. I try not to speak about her because I believe it just gives her power in some way. But sometimes I just feel the need. I have two friends that I do talk to now when the need arises. They know her firsthand and know she is a true spath.
I have been reading both of Donna’s books and workbook. It has really helped me a lot to have found Donna, her books, this website and all of you.
Thanks, Sisterseven
Hello Sisterseven,
Cunning as an old fox aren’t they? As you have found It pays to be one step ahead of the spath. Looking over your shoulder is exhausting. Welcome to the club…..stalking, mind games, declarations of “love” despite their actions contradicting them. Yes I identify. Unfortunately you are recovering from an encounter with the dark side of humanity. On a positive note, this is a great site full of wonderful people who have been where you are. All united by this experience.
Welcome, keep reading and stay strong. All the best to you.
This article really set things into perspective for me. But along with that, I am now aware of every instance where my ex-spath was showing his true feelings. I chose to ignore or dismiss all of the signs. I mean, right now every single one of them is flooding back into my conciousness and I feel like a total fool for ever believing he loved me. I feel like a fool for now knowing how much I was exploited and used by him.
For example, I am remembering every time he said he wasn’t sure about the future with me. Or when I was going through a really traumatic event, he barely hugged me; He just kind of patted my shoulder. I remember how he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I also remember how disgusted he always was with me and how he always complained about me to his friends and family. And how he never wanted to be alone with me. Not to mention all of the sadistic things he did to hurt me.
So how do I reconcile all of these blatant reveals with all of what I thought was true. All of the romatic love letters and declarations of love. Or when I tried to break up with him, he said that’s not what he wanted. All of the years he “stalked” me to let me know I was still the love of his life. Or even when after we broke up, I confronted him about a girl I thought he might leave me for and he kept saying, “I’m not seeing her”…He later married her.
My question is, why on earth do I still feel like I was the one who lost a good catch? I mean, WTF!?! Why am I still so devasted that he went on to marry the girl right after me.
I’m confused, still, because he did let me know in so many ways that I wasn’t the one for him. And yet I still fell so hard for him and continue to feel jealousy and anger that he went on to love and marry another. What was it about me that he thought was alright to exploit. Why wasn’t I looked at as a good girl worthy to be cherished and to marry.
I know it seems like I’m back at square one, but believe it or not I am so relieved that I can really see the truth. But I am left with a very low self-esteem because I am still thinking it was me who wasn’t good enough.
It is crazy that I would want a spath to look at me as the one worthy to marry. I have to remind myself that I am SOOOO lucky that I never married him. I just still feel so rejected. How to I heal that feeling? How do I build my confidence when he emotionally raped that part of me?
((sisterhood))
it’s cog/dis.
He planned for you to feel this way. They like to seed envy because envy is what they feel 24/7. They can never escape it and they want everyone to feel what they feel. It’s the only way that they can feel they’ve “won”.
Even though you know now, all those seeds he planted in your mind have taken root. You’ll have to work hard to extricate them from your mind. You need to use a root-killer.
First of all, realize that he used APPEARANCES exclusively to deceive you. Why? Because APPEARANCES are all that spaths have. There is nothing behind the appearances. No substance. That said, since they have no substance, they are EXPERTS at appearances. He used appearances to create those seeds of self-doubt, over and over again.
Secondly, know that he used a sequence of events in a certain order to take you down the slippery slope of low self-esteem. At first he was kind and loving so that you would reciprocate. Spaths realize, intuitively, that once we love them, we believe that they ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Otherwise, why would we love them? So now we have placed them in high esteem and when they treat us badly, we believe that WE are the ones who deserve to be treated badly. Logically, it makes sense if you believe the first premise (that they are worthy of love).
Well, all this logic does nothing for how you FEEL now, right?
True. But it does give you a map for reversing the crazy logic that brought you to your erroneous beliefs and the subsequent erroneous low self image.
Remember, even if he were the King of England, he would not be half the human being that you are, because you can feel and he cannot. You are kind and he is shallow and evil.
Keep that foremost in your mind. Always. Plant your own seeds by treating yourself well and with kindness. Soon, your self-kindness sprouts will choke out the weeds of self-doubt he planted.
Sisterhood, it takes time. The most important thing right now is to stay out of denial and not to forget what he is and that he is not capable of real love. If he could treat any woman (you) that badly, then he cannot truly love or respect another woman. That is just the truth, no matter if you believe it or not. Remember what we were talking about on the other thread about really feeling the pain of the betrayal? It takes time for these feelings to completely surface. When they do, you will be on your way to healing. You can help the process along by going inside and seeing if you can feel what is going on in your physical and emotional body without numbing it out with alcohol, sugar, or whatever is your addiction of choice. See if you can locate your emotions in your body and stay in contact with them. They may come up into your throat and you may need to scream or cry or just talk it out. Listen to your body and heart and let them tell you what you need in order to get to the next step. If you feel numb, you can even try lying on your bed and kicking and hitting on the bed, imagining you are looking directly at your ex. Sometimes this brings up feelings. Sometimes just a determined will to overcome this will help you get through it faster.