Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Louise, I used to go around with a smile plastered on my face and pretending that all was good with the world with the first abusive exspath. For the world to be otherwise would require me to admit that I was being violently abused and that I had been living a facade.
I don’t know of many people who look forward to admitting that they’ve made a gross error in judgement, and when one’s “validity” and “approval” is based upon other people, admission of errors is taboo – so, I made the choice to go along with the program and keep the ugly truths hidden, to my own detriment, and my children’s.
Today, I don’t give a fat rat’s ass whether or not someone approves of me. If I’ve made a mistake, then I’ve made a mistake. If it’s TRUTH, then it’s indisputable no matter how much I might want to deny it or how much I may dislike the truth. This new approach is directly related to meeting my “inner child” and doing some recovery with that part of who I am.
So, the point is that I may “feel” a certain way about something or an event, but I have to check myself to see if those feelings are based upon facts, or they’re simply a “RE-action” to previous experiences and voided expectations. It’s a weird approach, but it relieves me of the feeling of being responsible for everyone else’s happiness and well-being. It takes away that responsibility. And, it continues to validate the “inner child” that was so deeply damaged.
Dunno if that helps, any.
Brightest blessings!
Truthspeak:
It did help, thank you!!!!! 🙂
Truthspeak:
OK, here’s a question. If you determine the feelings you are having are based on facts, then what do you do? How do you handle those “valid” feelings?
Thanks!
Truthspeak
Yes, the waitress believed that she was fine. She had excepted the situation was doing all she could. But the situation didn’t define her. She wasn’t being forced or resigned to the situation. It didn’t make her less then. She defined it.
thought-created reality—not a circumstance-created reality
“plaster a smile on my face and act like all is fine” Is still a circumstance-created reality.
spoon
Louise, a VERY good question. I acknowledge the fact as being such, and I acknowledge the feeling as being valid. BUT….I must be very, very cautious because validating a fact-based feeling might give me an excuse to trigger. If that makes any sense, I’d be amazed.
Okay. When I met with my attorney early on in this divorce matter, I told her that I believed that the exspath would declare bankruptcy. Now, granted, this was a “prediction,” but it was one based upon the fact that the exspath left me penniless, all utilities and joint/individual financial obligations in arrears of 3 months (at least), and absolutely turned his back on any and all moral, legal, and ethical obligations. She responded (and, I quote), “I don’t think he’ll do that.”
Well, not too long ago, I was notified that the exspath had retained an attorney to file bankruptcy. And, that belief had been validated nearly a year after I had stated it.
So, as a result of the exspath’s decision to file bankruptcy, I began to PANIC. I mean I was being pressured to file a joint bankruptcy action that wasn’t going to benefit me, whatsoever, and I began to panic. The panic was based upon expectations, attempts to predict, and NOT upon facts. Because I’m not a legal expert, I couldn’t determine what WAS fact and what was prediction. I gave in to the panic for a time, and then I had to practice “In The Now” to stop the panic from becoming an anxiety train that was out of control. And, it was NO easy task.
I don’t know if this helps you, at all. It’s the way that my mind operates and learning to derail that anxiety train is a CONSTANT challenge. Because I’ve lived a life based upon fear and shame, I’m always expecting the worst and doing whatever I can (to my own harm) to PREVENT that. I’m having to retrain my thinking and alter my core beliefs or continue suffering outrageous anxiety and poor decision-making.
Okie dokie……:-)
Truthspeak:
Be amazed because I got exactly what you were saying! 🙂
In other words…I have this feeling, I’ve checked it, it’s real, I’ve validated it…woo hoo, that gives me permission to just go off and do something stupid! Is that right? Did I get it?? Haha!
Right…so after we validate it’s a “fact” feeling and not just “feelings,” we have to decide how we are going to react.
I have a question though…you say the panic wasn’t based upon facts, but weren’t you in fact informed that he HAD filed bankruptcy? Wasn’t it then a fact that what you had predicted was now a reality? A little confused…
Thanks! 🙂
“Feelings are not facts” is saying that the feeling we are feeling is not necessarily appropriate to the circumstance.
I turn and bump into you and say excuse me are you ok and you go off on a tirade cussing screaming the whole nine yards.
in appropriate for the circumstance.
Now I turn knock you down then kick your packages and then a little tirade is not out of the question.
The other part is the feelings are not being generated by the event/circumstance. But are coming directly from the person with the feelings.
Most of the time a person that is mad is reliving a passed experience. The “LOOK” is an example of it. Evey time that person see the “LOOK” it triggers the same emotional state where it was formed. They see the “LOOK” boom the emotional state is activated and they are reliving it all over again, Even though the person that “LOOKED” at them may have just had something in their eye.
spoon
Spoon gave a good example.
Louise, feelings will always feel real… But feelings also always involve a certain perception. The question is whether that perception is valid or not.
Panic is rarely an appropriate feeling, because it works on assumptions and expectations of the worst, while they are in a situation where both they don’t know the appropriate actions (technicalities, knowledge) to take in an unfamiliar environment (knowledge). How can any assumption in a fully unknown situation be a correct one? It can’t.
There are comfort zones, explorative zones and panic zones. Comfort zones in your life is when you know the area, environment fully AND know by heart how to perform a certain function (showering at home). The explorative zone is when either the environment or the task at hand is known, and the other is the unknown (washing yourself with familiar tools in a total different environment): you either explore the unknown environment, or you learn a new task in a familiar environment. When both the task and the environment are unfamiliar, that’s when people risk panicking. People then fall back on beliefs about themselves, fears of inadequacy… and that’s usually a bad advizor.
If you panic, the first thing you need to do is do a common task that is very familiar for you. When a group of young tourists panicked in the middle of the jungle after a raft had flipped and they experienced for the first time how rappid water can sweep you away, I first ordered them to gather the pedals and helmets and follow the guide back to the jungle village. I then made sure everyone would hit the showers. And in the afternoon I sent them on a visit to some Mayan site, in a van. At first they all wanted to hire some vans or have some helicopters come to rescue us out of the jungle and go straight for Cancun and some fancy hotel. Even if that would be a destination, it couldn’t be done instantly, nor was advizable (one of the girls had breathed a gulp of water, and she needed to rest that day and travel slowly). Because of doing familiar tasks: carry stuff, shower, visit some temples like any normal tourist, by late afternoon most people didn’t even want to alter the planned route anymore.
Anyway, when you panic this always means you don’t know what to do in a for you unfamiliar situation. Your feelings will be based on assumptions you are not even equipped to make, and therefore by definition unvalid. The sole solution is to do something familiar or move to an environment/situation that is more familiar, and get help, use your network.
I get it. I do. I’ll be back later.