Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Louise, the panic with regard to the exspath filing for bankruptcy was a result of a trigger – I”ve lost everything, faced homelessness, and a host of other consequences becaues I TRUSTED. Not just the exspath, but my attorney, in “justice,” and that people would respond to what had been done with me with some measure of empathy. This goes precisely along with OxD’s discussion about “Expectations.” Because of my previous experiences and all of my fear-based living, I fully expected to be forced (by whom? dunno) to participate in the bankruptcy and experience even MORE loss. Well, that didn’t happen because I stopped RE-acting and began PRO-acting by calling attorneys, talking to people, and posting on this site.
So, I’m learning to develop “reasonable” expectations. Not the kind of “expectation” that is based upon a FALSE perception: i.e., “justice” will prevail in my divorce matter; people will “get it” about my experiences; etc. I know that whatever happens with this divorce matter, there will not be what I believe to be “justice,” on any level. It is likely that the exspath will never experience consequences for his actions. But, I have to separate my expectations from what is happening this precise minute. To put it in a nutshell, I can’t even imagine what that bridge even looks like, much less how to cross it. So, expending energy into predicting crossing that bridge only spins me into a panic, and the panic dissolves into a vortex of hyper-anxiety.
It would be very easy for me to sit here and post responses that I can research or regurtitate from reading or counseling experiences. But, what may work for me may not be as effective for anyone else. I can only speak about my own experiences as they apply to me. One thing is a true constant, however, and Darwinsmom put it succinctly: all feelings are “real.” Sorting out the basis of those feelings is another matter.
“Inner child” was the best place for me to start that could have appeared. Had I not been introduced to this concept, it wouldn’t have mattered about how I “feel” because validating the feelings STILL would not have explained WHY I was succumbing to panic, abandonment, or anything else that was fear-driven.
Hugs and brightest blessings
Gm,
Here is my current tool belt of recovery. Found a therapist…I did not call him a spath, she suggested he may be mentally ill, after I described the first months of my relationship ! : )
I am taking up boxing…his face on bag…bloody as hell…then I take him to the field in my mind,in front of all other women he hurt…finish him off with my big stick. Till I don’t need to anymore. No self-recrimination for his ass kicking in my visualization. I pray , I go to ACA, I meditate, I love the people around me…they love me back, I blog at LF till I’m emptied of angst, I inform my mind from LF, EFT, I try not to do this in public LOL I find one thing everyday to be grateful for…and to laugh about.
Yesterday, I laughed myself silly over thinking of myself as a Spath-o-matic machine. When I am healed , I will be able to quickly sense and shred the next spath-lesson. Like the veg-o-matic seen on TV…I will make qiuck work of any man-vege who ever attempts to F–kwith my head, heart, soul again.
Hugs to all,
Blue
Bluemosaic, whenever an individual makes the decision to extract themselves from the status of “victim,” it’s the beginning of an amazing journey. Some days will be very difficult and other days will be ones of brilliant enlightenment. That you have made the decision to recover is a testament to your courage, tenacity, and will to care for and about your Self. Self = soul.
I’m really looking forward to reading of your recovery and inspiring me as you progress.
Brightest blessings
Onward and upward, right Truthspeak? ” I will not go dpwn quietly…I will fight to get my PEACE, LOVE, HARMONY back, this time…stay INTACT !!!!
Blue, I went back to therapy on Monday after being gone for 2 years. I told my story, without my label of him. She said he is narcissitic with MANY sociopathic traits. So, I got my suspicians confirmed by a professional. Still don’t know how to get over this. I still feel very depressed and down. I have dreams at night and wake up feeling so sad.
Mich, hang in there, it feels unbearable but day by day with the support of a good counselor, your fellow survivors here, and any other sources of comfort and support you may have to draw from, you’ll pull through, and the pain will lessen little by little. The sadness is terrible, many of us know it, but never give up your desire to heal and your commitment to recover. Peace and love to you x
Wow, I realize this is the thread where I discussed my whole salsa career, including my budding relationship with my salsa partner, J. For those who are interested, here is the update. (No advice needed).
Things progressed with J very slowly throughout the fall. I spent some alone time with him outside of the salsa club and found out that he’d been divorced twice and was using salsa to get over his second divorce. It seemed he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship, and this is why he wasn’t asking me (or anyone) out. It answered a lot of questions. However, he stepped up his level of attentiveness toward me by December, so I took a risk and invited him to my big work holiday party. He said yes immediately. We had a blast, dancing the night away there. He was extremely romantic with me, holding me tight and staring into my eyes during the slow dances. He acted like my bf. He held my hand on the 4-block walk to the street car. He held me tightly while waiting for the streetcar. Then on the streetcar, instead of sitting opposite from me, he sat beside me and held me tightly while we had a heart to heart about what we are going through in our lives. THEN……(drum roll)…..when he got back to my little condo, we were cuddling on the sofa. I turned to look at him so we could have our first kiss. I’d waited nearly 6 months for that kiss. And he just froze up. I could see the fear in his eyes. So I backed off. He told me he has had two failed marriages and just doesn’t know how to do relationships. I didn’t know what to do either so I just backed off. He told me I was special and he didn’t want to lose me as a dance partner. So………that’s how it ended! So close and yet so far!
After that, I pulled back, because he just wasn’t ready. And of course, he amped up the attention, even starting to call me at home. Every time he would do this, I’d get sucked back in. But then he couldn’t step up to the plate and invite me on a real date. I finally had a talk with him by phone. I told him that I was not the girl he could use to build his confidence so he could go out and meet someone better, that I deserved better than that, that I was ready and wanted a serious relationship. I told him that it hurts to have my feelings stirred up the way he did, and that I would not tolerate it. He listened intently and said he needed to process it all before he could respond. His response was to amp up the level of flirting and attention he gave to me at the clubs.
This push-pull thing happened so many times that I finally just quit. The last time, he invited me on a date the Friday after Valentines Day to a special dance venue where we danced romantically to a live salsa band under red and white lights for 2 hours. (This is after we spent an hour dancing in salsa class on Valentines night). We both got swept up by the atmosphere. But then after that, he did not hold my hand on the way to his car or kiss me goodnight (again). He brought a dozen red roses to my house the weekend before. But he called them “make-up flowers” because I teased him about bringing pink roses to one of our classmates at her birthday party. Then he canceled the lunch we were supposed to have. He has been the king of the mixed message!
The difficult thing about this is that every time I pull back, I have to still see him because he is in my class and at all the clubs. So I cannot make a clean break. So it has been difficult. I put all of this on a back burner to deal with my mother’s death. Then I came back and decided to just walk away from him once and for all. So of course I saw him at the club last Sunday and he hovered around me asking me to dance, telling me what a great dancer I’d become, and comparing me to a “maserati” of the dance world. Then I saw him hugging another one of his dance partners the same way he hugs me. Then he has called me 4 times in the last 2 days, asking about my recent trip. I have not returned the calls.
I think the only way to make a clean break from him is to just move out of state. If I get an inheritance, I will do that, because it is something I hope to do anyway. I refuse to give up salsa dancing over him, but he is unavoidable here in the Denver salsa scene. So close and yet so far………I think he really really likes me. But he just cannot take that leap into a relationship. He isn’t ready. And he may never be. (((sigh))) I can’t believe this has gone on for 7 or 8 months now. I feel I’ve been incredibly patient, waiting for him to come around because he is an incredible man. If we ever got together, it would probably be amazing. But it’s not happening, so I’m finally done. I will dance with him in class and limited time at the clubs. But that’s it. Nothing more. I do love dancing with him – he is one of the best dancers in the room. I am not going to cut off my nose to spite my face and stop dancing with him. But yeah, it’s been a little frustrating. I am grieving the fantasy with him along with my mother’s death.
And on a positive note, I have finally become a very good solid intermediate salsa dancer in my own right. I have some confidence on the salsa dance floor, and it feels great, after being a beginner for so long. I have a lot of guys wanting to dance with me these days, and most of them are more advanced. This is what I was hoping to accomplish with this hobby, so it’s a feeling of accomplishment.
BTW, not seeking any advice, just giving you guys an update.
Star, I think you made a right decision to distance yourself from this man who’s blowing hot and cold. While it’s not necessarily disordered and might be reactive there is one thing I do not like about him in your story:
When you told and communicated your boundary, he did not respect it and instead amped up the hot-cold response. You gave him valid reasons for your boundary, and he showed you in his actions afterwards he did not care about the effect he had on you. This reveals to me he cared more about his ego as a seducer over your humanity and feelings. While it’s totally ok for him not to be that into you, it’s not ok to be careless with your budding feelings, certainly not AFTER you told him point blank you weren’t interested into just being a platonic flirt for him, nor wanted to be used in that way.
I agree, darwinsmom. But I allowed it to happen, too because I harbored hope for so long. Also, I did not give him a specific behavior that I wanted him to change, so I did not really set a firm boundary. I don’t think he knew how to respond. I never told him directly that I’d developed strong feelings for him. Maybe this is what I should have done. But I doubt anything I could say or do would change where he’s at.
My salsa classmates all thought he really cared for me and that with a little time and patience, he’d come around. So I waited. The unfortunate thing about a salsa dancing relationship is that salsa is sexy. You cannot salsa dance with someone without some level of flirting going on. So it’s hard to draw that line with him. But I CAN stay centered when dancing with him and just not flirt back. I’ve done it many times. It’s a very challenging situation. Usually when I’m done with someone, I just walk away and go NC. I can’t go NC with him. So I’m going for the next best thing – gray rock.
Well your allowance is perfectly understandable…You cannot know his feelings and his hot and cold leaves you in a limbo. So, yes it’s normal that you would leave the door open for him to change his mind. But he does know how he feels and was told what you expected from him if he continued to show great interest.
I remember that I flirted many times with men without having any intentions, men I knew well enough and saw on other occasions as friends. But whenever each time it became clear the man would develop feelings and or expectations from me when I could not return it, I would put the breaks on it. While their attraction for me was never my responsibility, I felt it was my responsibility not to toy with it. Either I would back off alltogether, if there was little or no friendship… or I’d leave off the flirting and just keep everything friendly.
I do know salsa is a sexy dance. I’ve danced it. And still it can be danced with mutual fun and sexiness without blowing hot and cold over it.
I’m not saying this to give you advice, but just to reflect my opinion on where the onus of responsibility lies. I don’t think you should feel in any way, not even slightly guilty over it, nor find reasons for it.
In any case, since it’s clear he is giving vague signals and not considering how it may affect you, I completely commend you for making sure to guard the boundaries of what is ok and not ok contact with him. And I wish you good luck on the grey rock.