Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
I want to thank you all for your feedback. This has been so helpful to me. It has helped me see things in a different light and start to change my way of thinking/living. As much as it pains me to know there are others out there that have been duped by these spaths, I feel relieved that I’m not the only one and there are others that truly understand.
Deep down, I know he was cheating on me and would continue if I would have stayed. As my daughter said, I took away his control when “I” left him. He never had a woman ever leave him. I was the first and I guess he married this one so she woudln’t/couldn’t leave him.
I should feel sorry for her, but she is no better than him. She broke up two marriages and the one woman couldn’t handle it and killed herself. They say karma will bite you in the butt. I’m hoping someday I can see it in action.
demmel,
You’ve received excellent feedback;so there’s really no advice for me to give you.I just want to give you my personal welcome! 🙂
After your last post,I think I understand why my husband married me.So I would be committed to the relationship.For that reason,as well as for the FACADE OF RESPECTABILITY.I never was the other woman,although he had been married before- divorced long before me.
Moondancer, did you ever decide to see your mom before she died? Do you feel you have made peace with her?
Sky and Darwinsmom, thanks, I think grey rock is a splendid idea. But how can I do this in our class? There are only 3 guys and 3 women and we all have to dance with each other. It would be silly for me to pass by J whenever we rotate. Also, he is the best dancer in the class. I cannot not dance with him in class. I could probably avoid him at the clubs. This is the problem. I love my class and I will not drop out after 8 months. Each month builds on the month before, and there are no other classes or teachers that will give me what I get in that class and especially for that price. The class will probably go on for another 4-7 months, at which time I should be an advanced salsa dancer.
Sky, I loved that interview, and I agree with her wholeheartedly, especially about the men pursuing the women. And BTW, the guy with land in Costa Rica is a pot-head and he is on the narcissistic side. He consistently interrupts me when I talk and I often have to ask him to let me finish my sentences. Not a good match for me. Doesn’t have much depth and doesn’t know what kind of relationship he wants. I pretty much do ignore him, and he usually calls me to get together every week or two. I’ve only gone out with him a few times and have had several phone conversations. He also shows up at the salsa club once in a while, and we always dance together (it seems to throw J off his game LOL). The one time I was on a date with the new guy, we went to a salsa venue. J happened to be there. He knew I was on a date. I think he was a little jealous, but he seemed to go out of his way to act like he wasn’t. I don’t really know (and don’t care at this point). Neither of them are good enough for me.
So……just not sure what to do about class, which is tomorrow BTW. Also, it is difficult to mask my anger toward him. It’s probably very visible. But I can always say it is because of my mother’s death (which is partly true anyway – it all seems connected).
Oh, and BTW, I would not move out of state to get away from J. That would just be an added bonus. I have been wanting to move to a warmer climate for years. If I get an inheritance, I may actually be able to finally do it. I may even make the move to Costa Rica.
Skylar and Star, yes, a lot of men are like that. They are the one’s who will use and abuse you, all the while convincing you, they really cared.
They’re ambivalent lover’s, and if we weren’t ambivalant lover’s, too, we’d have nothing to do with them.
Time to look into why we can’t commit.
I do not think J is a bad person – I think if he had any idea how much he is hurting me, he would actually feel really horrible, and he would probably just avoid me, thinking that would stop me from hurting. He does care for me as a person. But knowing my feelings wouldn’t change his behaviors because he is just not ready for a serious relationship. He is healing his heart through the salsa dancing. I am just a casualty of that. I suspect there will be a few others, too. At least he had enough respect not to sleep with me or even kiss me when he had the chance. I don’t think he sleeps with anyone. He’s too much of a gentleman to be a womanizer. He just doesn’t realize what he’s doing, at least to me. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, so I waited and waited. And if not for a few things I saw and heard recently that were very hurtful, I’d probably wait some more. I’ve just reached my limit of hurt. I do think I am special to him, and I think it will upset him when I pull away. But like I said, I don’t think it will change his behaviors. It is more for my benefit.
Star,
No I did not go see her before she passed. I did go to the funeral. Two deere came running close to the service and stopped and looked intently at the service, like they were waiting on her to join them. I feel she is at peace, and not suffering physically anymore. If I felt she was a tormented or damaged soul I could forgive her, but I don’t..
Star,
Maybe your friend J just wants to be friends. Maybe he thinks very much of you as a friend but not interested in more than that.
He sound’s like he may have intimacy issues. .
Star,
Lol, no, I see why the costa rica land guy isn’t interesting. While his talk was straightforward, it showed he saw you of use for himself.
I don’t think J is necessarily a bad person either. But he’s been thoughtless. How to grey rock while dancing with him? Talk about unimportant, boring stuff: weather, gardening, plumbing. Smile politely, but without attaching any emotion to it. You can interact with someone without giving them or involving any emotion in it. That is grey rock basically to me.
Star,
that’s what gray rock is all about: how to deal with someone you can’t avoid and who has previously been manipulating your emotions.
Not all emotional manipulators are spaths.
Darwinsmom explained it pretty well, just be boring. Keep your facial expressions pleasant but business like. No laughing or flirting. Most importantly, make sure your actions are not RE-actions. In other words, don’t let his behavior dictate YOUR behavior.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to be rude. That is one way that spaths manipulate. They put us in a position where we willingly accept an indignity so that they don’t have to. And because we don’t want to be rude, we do it. If you are feeling backed into this position, simply act like you don’t get it and go on your merry way.