Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Oxy,
I used to joke with people and say that my brain must look like a big piece of swiss cheese,lol! 🙂
One of the first things I started doing after leaving spath husband was Word Search puzzles.And of course reading and back to the computer-so I guess that would be why the synapses of my brain are finally making connections,hehe!
blossom4th,
I’m so glad your esteem and confidence are increasing. Your post gives me hope. I too got to where I’m no good at taking compliments (still can’t), I feel I don’t deserve them because there must be something wrong with me. I let this thing come into my life and turn it upside down and make me feel so worthless and stupid. If someone like him was better then me, I must deserve the worst of the worst. I really can’t wait for it to all get better.
Thank you for taking the time to post to me. I feel so desperately alone. It’s nice to be acknowledged! Just ‘seen’ without condemnation can be more healing than I once would have guessed.
This has sure been a long long road. If this is a lesson and growing experience, then I can tell you, I have been really slow and had alot of growing to do… I’m kinda coming to the conclusion though that I am really REALLY slow.:)
Best of all things good to you!
struggling
struggling,
It is a JOURNEY and each of us have gone through different circumstances along with the situations that were alike.Also our bodies and temperaments;moods differ.Accept that this will take time-BUT YOU WILL HEAL!
I still have to remind myself to accept those compliments!Anything that has been habitual,will take time & effort to change-BUT YOU CAN DO IT!
As for esteem and confidence,think back to the things that have made you feel good about yourself in the past-AND DO THOSE THINGS FOR YOURSELF,YOU DESERVE IT!
~ Best Wishes ~ 🙂
blossom4th,
I don’t know if I can make any since or not but I’m going to try…
You did my heart good. I saw your post not long after you posted it… I cried at first, some in gratefulness to have someone care enough to reach out and send me strength like that and then I guess in self pity, but now I’m feeling calmer and peaceful.
You are right, “Accept tht this will take time”, I have been trying to make it happen over night, (even still, in a way), and that has actually made it take longer to get in motion, I see this now.
This is how I am going to start my new day, working on slowing myself down and accepting this truth… healing will take time and that’s ok!
Your are also right that it will take time and effort the change the things that have become habitual, I CAN do this! … this ties back into allowing my healing to take time… day one, ‘it takes time and that’s ok’. I plan to start today, no more hiding, I’m tired of hiding from action or what boils down to ‘my own effort’…
I’m not sure yet what I might do for myself that makes me feel good, besides the above, but I’m going to do something!
I genuinely thank you for your kindness and for sending me strength in your post, for sharing what you’ve got from this and gently yet firmly giving me a push in the right direction!
I hope I can pay it forward, to be of help to someone in need.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and for all those here! Thank you so much!
Edit: I hope to be able to be an uplift, encouragement, and offer strength to you as well blossom, I re read my post and felt it sounded as though I only wanted to pay it forward.
Struggling, if you were to undertake a hiking trip from Boston to San Francisco, it would take quite a while to accomplish. There would be weather issues, terrain to navigate, food to gather, and camps to set up at the end of each day.
We did not get where we are, today, in one fell swoop. My life of bad decisions, self-deprecation, and spath experiences did not occur in a single day, week, month, or year. It’s been a lifetime of experiences that took me on a self-negative path. I also grappled with shame-core issues – I didn’t “deserve” anything positive because the shame-core was so deeply ingrained.
Healing and recovery requires time, patience, and hard work. This is a choice that’s set before us – we either choose to allow for time, patience, and doing the hard work, or we don’t. You read as if you are making the choice to care about yourself when someone else didn’t – GOOD FOR YOU!!! In due time, you will realize, accept, and appreciate that you are quite deserving and worthy of all good things under the sun. You are, indeed, a unique and irreplaceable part of this huge, vast Universe – precious and important. This truth will come home, in due time.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Kim, I think you should consider ditching your B.O.B. and going with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rc337vb05jU
LOL Gotta love South Park
Update on my little drama: The whole avoidance thing with J was not working for me because we are just too close already. I broke down and called him back yesterday and we actually really talked. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. I feel so much better. But he was at work, so we’re going to lunch today in the snowstorm (his idea) to finish the conversation. I’m almost tempted to cancel and just cut my losses with him. But I think he is really genuine and sincere, so I will just go and have fun and see what he has to say. I’m really scared, and I suspect he is too. I have no expectation except to find out why he gives me mixed messages. I’m walking the mile or two to his apartment in the snowstorm. Then we are walking over to the burger place. (I know, I’m obsessed with exercise – the walking was my idea).
Truthspeak,
I am grateful for your encouragement and uplifting words!
It HAS been a life of bad decisions for me… I HAVE been self deprecating… I didn’t know how to be any other way, I guess. Each decision I made was worse than the one before it. These bad decisions each lead to horrible consequences. When I realized the very real evil that I was with in the spath and the genuine danger I had put my family in … I froze, I was petrified (really petrified,never really knew what that was like before) and no one believed that I was that afraid of a man that I had argued with, screamed at, even dared him to screw with me some more. I couldn’t forgive myself. I couldn’t move. Maybe acceptance was the problem also. I’m feeling acceptance some now, and that seems to relieve some of the ‘frozen’ symptoms, at least for today.
I got out this weekend without another adult! I also went and got a hair cut, it’s been a few months! I think it’s also the first weekend in awhile that the spath was not creeping around my house, although I did find something missing from my fridge when I got home, so maybe not…
I can’t believe that just a little direct interaction with real understanding would make such a difference in my panic attacks. I’ve had them really bad for a really long time, very little and short lived spells without. I’m actually feeling like I could really sleep, really rest!
I know I still need to absorb everything said to me, but I can feel a difference already, oh how I hope it sticks and I don’t regress. It seems that each time I have progressed any, I then regressed, having to relearn over and over. I’m sorry, I will stop rambling now.
Thank you for helping me! I do appreciate it so much!
I wish you all well, goodness, the best of all good things!
struggling
I feel so sick and my heart is aching, I was lavished with attention and love and he kept his pursuit of me “the chase” until I finally gave in thinking this was love”it must be ”why else would he continue this constant pressure to want me in his life. I was hooked and then”he left”without a word. This relationship I realized was in his control.
As this started to unravel I started to see the pattern of his abuse”.the “hot/cold” he loves me then he hates me. I could do no wrong”then all I did was wrong. He would leave me for day’s weeks without a word the “silent treatment”. Then he would call or text and act as if nothing was wrong. Too much time had gone by and I wanted to connect again to the man that I thought I was in love with. Where did he go? I asked him? Where was that man who said he loved me, who told me that he wanted to marry me? At this point I was not allowed to ask anything as I could see the anger in his eyes. If I challenged him he would leave. I was “teaching him how to treat me” as I did not argue when he came back. He would say to me that he only wants a “happy me”. I was not allowed to bring up the past or ask any questions as this would “set him off”. In fear of another silent treatment I remained silent and walked on eggshells. I had to be happy in order for him to stay. He did not accept any responsibility for his actions”nothing”ever. He was living with his mother and she did everything for him. Washed his clothes/cooked all his meals/dusted his room/cleaned his bathroom/packed his lunches every day. Promises to marry me and start a life together were starting to fad.
Then the cheating started, I found texts from women and then pictures of women”.then hotel bills. the truth of what was happening still did not make me leave. I was so sick and it was like I was a drug addict, needing a fix, anything, a crumb to show me he cared for me.
Taken from http://www.esteeology.com:
Narcissistic Supply
What you don’t understand is that for the narcissist, love and admiration are like a drug. He speeds you through the dating phase because he wants to elicit these emotions from you. That’s all he wants. You may be saying, “But, I was giving him love, why did he leave?” Like a drug addict the narcissist develops a tolerance and needs a more challenging fix. They become bored easily and they are always on the make for someone or something he perceives to be better and more worthy of him. In the beginning you felt like he put you on a pedestal, showering you with compliments and attention, but soon, as it always does the buzz wears off and he is on the lookout for his next hit.
If you’ve heard yourself saying, “He couldn’t have loved me, if he treated me that way,” you’re right. He doesn’t love. When he looks at you, he is not seeing you, he is seeing the reflection of himself in your eyes. You are part of his Narcissistic supply. There are always more than one and he is always looking to add to the supply. The supply is interchangeable. If you are thinking, “There must be something special about me that’s why he keeps coming back. He realizes that he can’t live without me, that he’s made a mistake,” ”“ think again. He doesn’t see you ”“ he sees supply of his fix and always remember, the supply is interchangeable. It could be weeks, months even years, but he will always come back. Once you have shown him that you have feelings for him, you have become part of the harem.
Intimacy and Emotions
The end result of dating and getting closer to someone is intimacy, but despite his words to the contrary, the narcissist does not want intimacy. He doesn’t know what it is. He fears it. All he wants is his fix. He has no desire to get closer, to do so would mean that he is in touch with his emotions. Relationships with Narcissists are generally short lived, shallow and superficial. They will expect grandiose gestures and sacrifices on your part, while putting in little to no effort themselves. They lack a moral compass and proceed with their desires without guilt or remorse to guide their actions.
When you get emotional or upset in his presence, for the horrendous way he has treated you, he feels extremely uncomfortable. Because he lacks empathy, he cannot relate. Intellectually, he knows what he has done to you is wrong, but he cannot emotionally understand what his behavior is making you feel. Male Narcissists are all misogynists, they hate women. Vankin states that, “The narcissist is a projector ”“ he believes that all women want, is to control, use and manipulate men and suck them dry ”“ when the reality is, that is exactly what the Narcissist does.” Once you have stopped being a source of supply for your Narcissist he will discard you cruelly, callously and without a thought. Before you are discarded though there is always another to take your place. Your experience with a Narcissist has likely left you confused and devastated and while you are pining away for his return, know that he is not pining for you. Because he lacks empathy he cannot comprehend what you are feeling and he is entirely self-absorbed. The grandiosity of the false self actually has the Narcissist believing that,’ if I’m such a bad guy how come all these girls want me?’ What he is incapable of seeing is that anyone can gain someone else’s trust and esteem through, lies and manipulation. Real love and intimacy are created slowly over time and nurtured by consistent action, empathy, reciprocity, love, and respect. For the narcissist his relationships are one-sided. He only sees and values his wants and needs, his partners only purpose is to provide him with supply, which makes it pathological.
Why do they come back?
The easiest answer is because he can. You have shown him in the past that you are ready and willing to make everything all about him, you have little or no boundaries and you will put up with all sorts of bad behavior. By allowing him to waltz back into your life after the financial and emotional havoc he wrecked, you have shown him that there are no consequences to his behavior.
If I was a gambler I’d put all of my money on ”“he came back when he did, because the last woman he was with just kicked him to the curb and he was desperately looking for an option. I’d be willing to bet he went through his phone to look up who would be an easy target and you may or may not have been the first person he called.
None of this is about you ”“ his coming back is all about him and what he needs and wants at this moment. Nothing more. This guy doesn’t care about you, if he did he would realize he has nothing to offer you and leave you alone.
Narcissists and Broken Downs lack empathy. They cannot relate to other people’s feelings. So if you’re wondering why someone would deliberately re-enter your life just to mess with you again ”“ that’s how. Narcissists are akin to Psychopaths, they suffer from a personality disorder and personality disorders are not curable, so if you’re holding out hope that this guy will change, you better think again. He came back, because he needed a quick fix and it was your turn in the batting rotation. These guys are users, manipulators and conmen. They know exactly what to say to worm their way back into your affections because they’ve done this dance many times. Don’t fall for it. And believe me he’s probably got another woman or two on stand-by, just in case you come to your senses.
I have read this over and over again and after numerous affairs, yes I know”. I can hardly believe that I put up with this. I am going “no contact” it has been 3 weeks. And yes my body is aching. I am sick at heart and know I must do what is right for me. Break the addiction.
Hi Sick@Heart…
I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. The heartache is so real that you can actually feel the pain in your chest….I know, I’ve been there as so many of us have. And yes, you must break the addiction.
Trust me when I say I know how hard this can be. No Contact really is the best way to go. It’s not easy and many of us have taken one step forward, two steps back…..but in time, you will get through this.
For me, it took reading and studying on sites like LF and others, learning, crying, journaling, counseling, talking…all of it, to work through this. But know this is not about you. He used you as a pawn. And while you loved “him”, what you really loved was the thought of him, of who he portrayed…but that wasn’t him at all.
Stay strong my friend. It’ll take time, but you can do this. Folks on this site are wonderful…so keep sharing and keep healing.
carolann
Thank you Cannh, it is so strange that when I read all these posts they all have the same details, everyone has gone through almost the same ordeal with these “sick” people who play with our lives and our emotions as if we are a toy. I could go on about my 5 year ordeal but honestly everyone here has been through the same lies, cheating, devaluing, discarded crap. Coming here and getting the knowledge was the first step as I had no idea that these people even existed. Getting the strength to leave was the second step. Staying strong in my resolve for NO CONTACT….is my next step. Thank you all for your posts as this is what has helped me to see ” I was not crazy” as he constantly told me. This is not in my head. His mistake was in underestimating me and my ability to gather all the evidence of his cheating. He had no choice but to admit it. This is the last time I will allow him to treat me like a doormat. NO CONTACT is a must, if you give in….he thinks he has an opening.
Sick@heart…
That is exactly right. If you give in, he’ll think had has an opening. I know because I did this. I moved out when he was gone….just after he finally admitted seeing someone else. It almost killed me, literally. But even after that, I still went back to see him twice. Trust me when I say it is not worth it. I found out about a year after we split who he was seeing. I also found out that relationship with the OW had been going on for months while we were still living together! But even with that, he still played house with me! Makes me sick, but it is the truth.
There was so much that came to light after I left. In fact, like most of us, he made me out to be the nutcase…when in reality, I’m about as sane as they come. But like you mentioned, we have all gone through much of the same thing.
You will learn and you will heal…and you will be stronger! You owe that to yourself. And please realize that you deserve so much more than he could ever even think to offer you. You deserve to be loved truly and honestly. Hold out for that…it’ll be worth it!
carolann