Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Everything I read about sociopaths sums up the “relationship” I had.
A week ago I decided no more. I had gone No Contact and begun to get over him but when my dad took I’ll a few weeks ago, he heard about it ( due to us all living in the same small town) and he contacted me saying ” hey, I am still your friend kid”
A week later, turned on me again
So here I am, another week later, literally sitting on my hands to stop me texting him
I feel like saying “hi, are we still friends”?
Why am I so weak???? I hate it
I have had to talk to myself out loud tonight, telling myself not to call him, that if I do he will do the same thing all over again.
I think I am in a better place than I have been for over a year – but feeling then tonight. And venting here!!!
I can TRULY say for the first time ever taht I wish I had never ever got to know him. He is totally bad news, and a massive bully apart from anything else.
elsa
You are still stuck and there’s a very good reason for it. The sociopath that trapped you uses the very effective techniques of cult leaders like what was done to Patty Hearst and like what Charlie Manson did to his followers (as when you experience shocking rudeness). Your sociopath also uses NLP techniques such as anchoring (when he’s nice). Cult Controllers rotate these techniques to keep you off kilter. Have you explored how to get free of a cult leader? See Steven Hassan, Freedom of Mind, as recommended on this LF site.
I have very very vivid memories of “nice times” spent with him, times he engineered. Phrases such as when he called me “kid”…….. Like when my dad took I’ll, he used that phrase he always used….. “I am still your friend, kid”
My mind is like a movie, replaying lively, fun times we spent together, going over conversations we had, nice things he said etc etc.
I do realise none of it was true or real. But somehow that just makes it all worse, harder to deal with.
I am pleased that I didn’t contact him last night. I went as far as half writing a text before discarding it,
I can not allow him to hurt me anymore. I am using the word bully when I think of him because I think that is what he has done.
Everything fits with the sociopathic profile. But whatever else, he is a billy who has treated me like something worthless.
I have not set eyes on him for a week , day 8 today. And I will do all I can to avoid him. I am worth far more than him.
elsa
What I keep hearing from you is that you are trying to escape him, and your only solution is using willpower. Only. Willpower is not the solution.
The solution is to understand HOW he controls you, to learn his methods of what he does to control you. Then with that knowledge, You are able to “BINGO”!!, identify his game and it won’t have the emotional trigger to trap you.
Of course when your mind is remembering good times, then you trigger feel good feelings in your memory and you want to contact him. That’s the most painful time to try to exert willpower. So… do you understand that is why you are having such a hard time? Because your pleasure emotions are involved?
Would you like to sever his hold over you so you don’t feel anything? Let me give you an example: He’s SHOWING you by doing it to you. He hits that discord button and is over reacting. He shows disrespect towards you. He enters into a discord frame of mind and boom, there is no nice feelings at all. It doesn’t take willpower to express discord. It only takes recalling the feeling of discord.
I did ask if you explored how to get free of a cult leader. You didn’t answer.
You replied with good memories and the feelings you derived from those good times. And all the stuff you wrote after that was true, but none of it was proactive, it was all conjecture. When you decide you want to end your connection with him, you will do the things that end the connection. (which is NOT willpower, the things that end are ACTIONS/behaviors.)
Sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore your question. I immediately looked up the NLP theory etc. I can see it. I know he is triggering me!!! I find it hard to think he has done that conciously?? Maybe he has learned that behaviour with everyone he deals with. He once told me I was “naive”…. Said he liked that about me, that I never “lived” so he could introduce me to lots of new ways of thinking!!
I was naive!!!!!!
I never knew people, like him existed in real life!!
Yes, willpower has been hard to muster up. And maintain. This is the best I have done really! And while it may seem like I am failing at it, I am actually ranting at myself, keeping myself in track with keeping away from him. I need to go to the shop. I know he is there around now…….. Off for his morning newspapaer. So, I am still home, waiting for the crucial half hour or so to pass. And then I can be pretty sure that is another day I won’t see him.
I removed his number from my phone a while ago. But I knwo it!! I hope in time I will forget it.
And that if he ever gets in touch with me I will be able to tell him to do one!
My description of the “nice memories” was a reflection on what I had read about how they operate in making those “anchoring” connections……. As is his phrase “I am still your friend kid”
My response to that is to strengthen my resolve to be unavailable. And to get on with my life the best I can! It just hurts still. And maybe it always will!!!
elsa,
‘strengthen your resolve to be unavailable” is an example of WILLPOWER.
Ask anyone who diets or is trying to stop drinking, “how’s that willpower working for ya?”
I offered you a way so you didn’t have to hurt anymore. It’s okay. When you decide you are ready to let it go, you will stop fighting to find a way to hang on to him. …which in spite of what you write, at this time, is what you are doing.
NWHSOM
surely keeping away, going No Contact etc, are thr ight things to do? and surely that does involve willpower?
I can assure you that my over riding feelings towards him now are NOT nice, warm memories – resognition that everything was a lie has been hard to come to terms with and left me full of shame and disgust – and fear of seeing him at all!
I will NEVER want to be friends with him, though I would prefer not to feel negatively triggered – I want to feel nothing, have no interest in him, consider him irrelevant and unworthy of my attention. because he is all of that!
elsa
When I left my husband, there was NO help for me. It took years for me to find healing. Eventually I found lovefraud which helped me to understand what evil I was actually dealing with. If someone had seen my trauma and offered me insight into my ‘blind spot’, I would have leaped on it like water in a desert.
You are married. The jerk is married. You did not have an affair. And your husband has been faithful to you. But I read what you write, and you are still spending so much of your time on the jerk. He controls too much of your life. That’s not right for you and not right for your HUSBAND.
It’s been long enough that the JERK has controlled your life. I suggest that he has captured you, in the same way that cult leaders capture their victims.
I am puzzled why you aren’t pursuing ALL avenues to free yourself of a jerk who was a minor person in your life. You say he was minor, no affair/just friends, but you give so much of yourself to thinking of him and avoiding him, etc. That seems to be a bigger problem.
Yes, keeping away/no contact is very good. But, then you say you feel hurt and maybe always will? You sit, waiting for what YOU want to do, waiting for him to freely get his paper… and you have to bide your time until he’s done? You write that your feelings are not nice about him but you ALSO WRITE that You think happy memories of him and write a uncompleted text. And then say you want to feel nothing? YET… when I suggest to you something that will give you what you say you want, you aren’t interested.
That’s okay. Each person is on their own journey. But. as I said, if someone helped me with my blind spot so I could be free of misery,I’d def pursue FREEDOM!
… and because that’s not your response, I think there is something else going on. What you are writing and what you are doing are not matching. Perhaps consider exploring why you don’t jump for every method to eliminate his presence in your mind and heart.
That’s what I am thinking.
ps No contact is about self protection, keeping evil from having access to you.
Just remember – He is still your FIEND, kid!
Hang some really bad memories of him on that phrase to use next time you are tempted.
maybe he also cant spell – and this is what he meant all along!! 🙂
I do understand what you have said. I have reflected on that all day. Yes, thoughts of him trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, realisation that he is who He is. Whilst that DOES make me feel that I don’t what to see him, I am not yet at a point where that does not fill me with shame and self blame for ever letting him do it in the first place……. Anger at my own naivity ( he was right on that) – the fact that he knew that and still did all he did just makes he even more of a sociopath.
I am still sad at the two years I wasted thinking he was my friend, and believing he was .
I do not want to see him and I do not want to recover the friendship. There was a time when ( much to my shame) I woudl do have compromised myself in order to get him back as a friend.
I am learning that I am worth more.
I just wish I didn’t live so near to him and run the risk of seeing him. I avoid social activities because of that. I will recover, I know. A year ago I was in the pit, crying, not sleeping, racing thoughts etc etc.
Now I am angry. Trying not to be bitter.
In the meantime, whatever works temporarily gets you “over the hump”. Hurrah for you…we are ALL here to give you back-up and strength.
Day 10 of NC. I’ve been more sad the past two days. I keep seeing pictures of weddings, hearing about people going to weddings, hearing wedding music, seeing advertisements for wedding venues on billboards. I can’t escape weddings. I don’t want anything to do with weddings.
I think about how he told me I should “fight for him” after I found out he was engaged. I think about how he would tell me how the engagement was going south, giving me hope that he was not going to get married. I think about how horrible he made her sound. Yet, he married her…two weeks after he moved out of my house.
I do feel relieved I don’t have to spend $100/week for liquor. I do feel relieved I can call friends and make any plans I want. I do feel relieved I can read books and exercise, rather than watching his movies and doing so much laundry/housework. I do feel relieved I don’t need to be on anti-anxiety meds.
I’m spending a lot of time reading about psychopaths and sociopaths. Every so often I get a comment of clarity, then I lose it. I want to stop being sad. Still not over him. Looking for the magic sledgehammer.
claimmypower
I joke that GOD would thump me on the head to remind me to use my noodle. But I wouldn’t listen so he had to use a 2×4. GOD wore out a lot of 2×4’s on me.
In spite of where you think you are, you are progressing. I learned to write down my moments of clarity so they don’t slip away. Writing also helped me to get the ruminating thinking out of my brain on onto paper.
Btw, The MORE/BETTER you take care of your health, the better your emotional heath takes ahold of the nightmare.
Just an FYI about his “fight for him” statement…
That’s SO CLASSIC sociopath. It’s called triangulation. He’s pitting people against each other, and the winner (NOT) gets him. In REAL Life and relationships, a loved one does not manipulate others to “compete” for him. Rather, he engages in connecting behaviors, loving, affirming his constancy and love.
Furthermore, Criticizing you that you should “fight for him” was also CLASSIC sociopath BLAME… like how it’s your fault he cheated on you and abandoned you. What HOGWASH. There’s NO excuse for his cheating/discard. A decent fellow just doesn’t do that. Ever.
People who manipulate others to compete for them NEVER give up their need to have others compete for them. It’s their way of making EVERYONE a loser. That’s classic sociopaths “WINNING”. Tell me, what kind of person makes ANYONE into a loser? ONLY a $^&#@.......! sociopath.
Continue your list of good things that happen now that he’s gone. Reminds me of this song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7UrFYvl5TE
NotWhatHeSaidofMe – love the video! I’ve been taking baby steps to move on. However, when I find myself going out and then posting pictures on Facebook, I realize that I’m doing it only to make him jealous. I need to do it for myself, not just to demonstrate to him I’m having a great life without him.
Thanks for putting “fight for me” into context. The whole thing was so confusing. Jan7 also suggested journaling early on. I think I’m ready for that now. I’ve done that in the past. When I look back at what I’ve written, I rrealize how crazy my thinking was at the time. And Then i usually throw in my journal because I’m so embarrassed. I have this weird phobia about dying, and then someone finding my journal full of craziness.
So moving on, ya, ya! That will be my theme for today!!
claimmypower
I’m going to disagree with you about the journal thing.
1) YOU’RE not crazy. Because of a monster/jerk/sociopath, you were caught in a crazymaking nightmare situation.
2) The journal will show your progress through that nightmare.
3) Wouldn’t you LOVE to read someone else’s process back 100 years ago? Wouldn’t that make you feel like, gee, jerks have been doing this crap FOREVER? How about if someone made a book or screenplay and helped others, revealing patterns done by the JERK, and how they got through it?
Yes, the journal has “craziness” but it was done TO YOU, not BY YOU.
You are right about the fb thing, do your stuff for YOU. btw, A sociopath doesn’t feel jealous or remorse at losing anyone. They are predator parasites and FEED off others. I think it likely he will try to come back into your life, and use you to make his wife jealous, b/c feeling superior to his victims is how he makes his life decisions. Being FREE of that kind of demon is VERY fortunate. Life is so much lovelier when we aren’t fighting demons.
ps I have a bankers box full of spiral notebooks. I thought I was just purging the craziness out of my head and onto paper. Turns out, it’s evidence of abuse, and had it come to it, could have been used at trial.
Omg I’m going thru such a hard time right now with the fact that 2 and a half weeks after our split mine is taking another woman to the beach posting pics of them together saying he’s in a relationship and it’s breaking my heart I just found out 3 days ago and can’t stop crying ! Wth is wrong with me my family and friends think I’m crazy for it even bothering me after all he’s done to destroy my life I was with him off n on for 13 yrs !! Will it ever get easier ??
Sohurt, Hugs to you 🙂 A relationship with a sociopath is like none other. They move on so quickly.
When my ex & I had a fight over his 2 year affair he went to a bar & picked up a women. The next day was a wedding 10 anniversary & he took this women out to dinner on our anniversary!! I did not find out for 2 more years that this happened as he said he went to dinner with his guy friends.
This is what they do…they only care about their needs no one else!!
My best advise is to not look inward to what is wrong with me but look at him and SEE that he is extremely mentally disordered and the best thing that ever happened to you is he has a new supply (this woman) so that you can clear the mind fog from all the brain washing he did to you.
YES, it gets easier…keep the NO contact rule in place. Find a counselors who understands sociopathic abuse & go. You can also talk with Donna here at LF as she is also a life coach she will set your mind straight about this evil manipulative guy. If you go up to the top of this site click on the red tab “contact” and you will see info about Donna’s life coach.
Also when you are crying, mad or another emotional state come to love fraud and read, read, read everything and watch the videos up at the top of the page under the red tab “video” over and over to open up your mind from your ex’s brain washing.
I was with my ex h for 12 years married & 13.5 years together…it’s hell at first on your body and mind to leave them but I can tell you it is the greatest gift you ever gave yourself leaving him.
Check out psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com and Facebook pages psychopath free & after narcissistic abuse. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so you can chat on those fb pg without your ex seeing.
STOP looking at his Facebook!! Seriously…this is a HUGE step for victims of a sociopath to not look to see what he is doing…YOU know what he is doing, he is conning this new woman with all pathological lies…he too will destroy her, he will cheat on her too, what ever he did to you he will do to her….YOU KNOW THIS…REMEMBER this. He will destroy every women that walks into his web of destruction.
COUNT YOUR LUCK STARS YOU ARE AWAY FROM HIM AND HE HAS A NEW SUPPLY TO FOCUS ON SO YOU CAN MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
HUGS to you, keep venting here & asking questions as it will open up your mind also!!
Take care 🙂
Sohurt, here is an article to explain the emotional bond that you have to break and why the no contact rule is the only way to find peace & calmness in your life.
This is from narcissistic free:
Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
Thank you so much Jan7 ! I will start doing exactly what you advised come here and read read read !! I found that when I did that yesterday it helped alot ! The videos are something I haven’t had a chance to look at yet but I will. I had a great counselor but I moved for work now I’m so thankful I’m out of state and far away from him or I’d probably end up in the psych ward because he would really be putting his new girlfriend in my face bc of course she’s from my hometown ! Checking his Facebook is going to be hard I don’t know why but I cant seem to stop that my logic to myself is all of the info and pics is proof of adultery to help me get my divorce but your right I need to try to stop lookin and I’m only hurting myself !!:( I realized yesterday that I had been blocked from his fb but as soon as he got a gf suddenly I can see his profile hmmm more of his torture he only did thst to hurt me so I would see !! Thanks again I greatly appreciate your suggestions and will definitely start doing exactly all of these things I have to do something for my sanity !!!
1st time here but feeling desperate today, thank you for the reassurance that it gets easier but only week 4 of his final act with me. We’d been together off & on for 18 yrs married and divorced 3 separate times, yeah it’s true, divorced since 2012. Well to top off his being a sociopath/narcissist he’s addicted to crystal meths, jeez! Well the grand finally was when he brought his 18 yr old prostitute girlfriend to my house while I was at work and had sex with her here, (left the evidence) ate, watched tv, and showered in my home, yes he was living here at the time. We got into in the following morning and I now have a restraining order in place as he can be vindictive. I am trying to not dwell on this but it has been a hard weekend, I have found a therapist and trying to find my healing but it is so hard to stop my mind from going over this. The current story is too long to explain and yes there are 1000’s more of the lies, abuses, infidelities, and betrayals to take the space on here but I just want him out of my head. I don’t want him back I know this but I’m soooo mad I just keep wishing upon him the same pain he’s caused me even though I know he still wouldn’t get it. I am no contact and even that’s hard as we’ve played this back & forth for so many yrs. with him doing whatever he chooses and me forgiving and letting him back but this was the one that did it for me. Thank you for the encouraging words and letting me ramble on. I’m not even sure this is how to do this but I just am desperate to talk to others who understand my crazy right now. This is the 1st time in my life I have ever tried to seek help online so forgive me if this isn’t how it’s done.
Dear Denise, Stay the course! We here at LF understand exactly the turmoil you’re going through and how daunting it might seem right now. Get your own self back and make a new life, friendships, life goals. Amazing things do and will happen…just give it time and space. Read all you can to hear what all others say and recommend; it’s so worthwhile. As Lance Armstrong’s wife told him, “The Truth shall set you free” and it applies more to victims than the psychos. Good luck with your on-going journey!
Thank you for responding Flicka, as you can probably imagine my friend/family list is pretty short these days as they are tired of hearing the same s*** different year, I don’t blame them either but the agony of enduring this pain alone is torture, they don’t get it.
I first discovered about sociopath/narcissistic personality disorders back in 2003 during yet another time he’d left me (1 yr) for another women. Wow too bad I didn’t listen to it when I was 43 instead of now at 55, better late then never, right?
I recently returned to the websites and ordered some books which I have just finished reading the 1st one, (When Love Is A Lie), I have gotten a Therapist who herself understands this by profession as well as her own personal experiece with a P/N, and now I’ve found this site.
I’m not so devastated that this happened again as he only returned in April from being gone a month from running around with a 26 yr old prostitute, (he has a history with prostitutes sober or on drugs) and now he’s traded her in for the 18 yr old.
The worst of the matter is I knew this young girl and tried to help her as I work a 2nd job at a Alcohol/Drug Program and had gotten her in there 2 separate times. All the while I watched as my ex was grooming her and her flirting back with him, lying to myself what was reality.
It was with him saying I was trippin, making things up, I was crazy, what would he want with a kid/prostitue, etc. I wasn’t stupid nor was this our 1st rodeo so I watched (in denial of course) it unfold before my eyes. I guess I just didn’t believe he would do something so treacherous to me or our home, why not right?
After cleaning out his Tuff Shed in the backyard last week apprently it has happened here more then once, we found porn, a used condom, several opened condom wrappers, and the topper a sex toy. Wow this is how this jerk ends 18yrs of loyalty! This girl had told me he told her he wants her to have a baby (he’s 46 yrs old) so I’m trying to brace for this next.
He’s tried to get me back but I’m no contacting it (slipped 1x last week..took a phone call) I’m struggling to keep my mind focused on positive thoughts but all the whys and how could hes keep trying to overtake me. Believe me this is harder then a drug addiction detoxification, I know.
I know I’m going on and on but feeling so many things I can’t describe it but I am grateful to know I’m not alone and have found a support network.
Many blessings always!
Denise
Sorry that you have learned that hard lesson… esp the one that is when you let them back, it’s WORSE. We want our picket fence life and then learn to lower our standards until they are so low that we have turned into the comic stereotype that gets manipulated by law enforcement, social services, attorneys, etc. And as you’ve endured, no good deed goes unpunished. There is NO SUCH THING as loyalty FROM a sociopath. And when the other person is a addict, as you know, you live their addiction, they are not a person anymore, they have sold their souls to the devil of their addiction.
I took my ex back twice. I wanted to misery to end. I wanted to believe him, that it was others who pushed him into a life he didn’t want. But the truth came out, he ALWAYS blames others, is never responsible for his choices, and I/me/others like me are the scapegoats. I was truly better off alone as a homeless person (luckily didn’t come to that) than a life with him. Taking them back only increases the opportunity to betray you again and again. For me, I could take the constant assaults on my psyche and the betrayals. Weirdly, his affairs were not as traumatic as the aftermaths, or put another way, the betrayals of the other women got WORSE and lasted far longer than his orgasms.
You can share your crazy. Sadly, it’s prolly just normal to most of us here. You can find encouragement and understanding and resources and recommendations here. As you know, we can lead you to water, but you do have to stop drinking the coolaide and partake of HELP. It’s the only way forward is to make YOU matter. And you DO but you have to MATTER TO YOU.
@denise
Typo: “I could NOT take the constant assaults on my psyche and the betrayals.”
Hi Denise, HUGE HUGS TO YOU 🙂
Your ex is a masterful manipulator…what an absolute nightmare you have endured for 18 years!
GLAD you are out of this destructive relationship, found a counselor and are venting here at LF. Pat yourself on the back for these great steps!!
No Contact is hard at the beginning. What helped me when I first left my ex h after 12 years married was reading, reading, reading here at love fraud & other support sites every time I felt like I wanted to talk to him or I was sad, angry, mad, etc.
Reading helps to open up your mind from all the brain washing & mind control your ex has done to your thinking. YOUR ex like all sociopath is a cult leader and you ARE his cult follower. Sociopaths can have 1 cult follower or a million cult follower it does not matter how many followers they have as they do the same mind games on everyone.
You are away from him but he still can say certain words that makes you go back to him…he has conditioned you to accept his horrible behavior because you are expecting he will show his “nice love bombing” self that he presented in the beginning of your relationship.
The only way the No Contact Rule truly works is if you BLOCK the sociopath FULL!! That means changing your phone number, your email address, your social media etc. And if he comes to your door you don’t answer the door you call the police to remove him from your home. Talk to your Therapist about ways to protect yourself prior to fully imposing the no contact rule as your ex might become violent if he sense he is loosing total control of you.
My counselor had me read the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown which I highly recommend you read as it explains all the mind games your ex is doing to not only you but all these other women.
For your racing mind look into adrenal fatigue as the root issues since you have been under so much stress for years. See sites like:
DrLam. com
Adrenalfatigue. org
Mialundin. com Read her book on hormonal imbalance
Get tested from an Endocrinologist or bio homone doctor…cortisol test, vitamins/mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance (even at your age). All of these things are issues with PTSD and need to be healed to fully heal from a toxic relationship.
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue include….memory loss, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, racing mind, sleep issues, mood swings etc etc etc it’s a long list see the sites above symptoms list for more info. Your adrenal glands can be healed with a good clean diet, vitamins/minerals, hormonal balancing, and plenty of rest & relaxation.
You know your ex is PURE EVIL. He has you in the “cycle of abuse”…it’s a constant hamster wheel that you are on with him…it’s time to jump off this emotional rollercoaster ride for good by imposing the NO CONTACT RULE. Google “domestic abuse power wheel” to learn more about the cycle of abuse that you are in…and you are the only one to end the cycle.
Do a search here on LF & on the net for the following:
Sociopath triangulation
sociopath smear campaign
gas lighting abuse
Also read the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan, he is a cult & domestic abuse relationship expert.
It’s not easy to open up to strangers online…but I can tell you this site is one of the best to vent, educate yourself and ask questions. See also Psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com to learn more and Facebook pages Psychopath Free and also After narcissist abuse. Open a fake email act then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat freely with over 100,000 other victims of sociopathic abuse.
Donna Anderson this site creator of Lovefraud also has a life coaching program where you can talk to her directly for a small fee…if you go to the top under the red tab click on “contact” to learn more. And also at the top read everything plus watch her videos under the red tab “videos”. For me I read & watched the vidoes a 1000 times to open up my mind from my ex h’s brain washing and it worked I have zero interest in knowing what he is doing because I know what he is doing = manipulating people, controlling people & abusing people. You will get to that point too!!
I also want to let you know that being angry IS a good place to be…you see who he is and you should be angry as he is pure evil.
HUGS to you…you did great your first time sharing your story 🙂 It’s not easy to share but I can tell you it is one of the best healing steps you can take 🙂
Hi Denise, this article will give you the understanding about the NO contact rule and why it is so important to follow to break the emotional bond your ex has over you. Wishing you all the best!! 🙂
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, thank you for your insight and words of experience. I know what I have to do and I could go on and on about previous reasons I chose to take the P/N back time and time again but it doesn’t matter anymore. My focus is now me and my recovery and regaining my own self-worth.
I so understand when you said “esp the one that is when you let them back, it’s WORSE. We want our picket fence life and then learn to lower our standards until they are so low that we have turned into the comic stereotype.”
Oh my gosh how true is that statement, I reflect back and see how he just kept pushing and pushing more and more of his bad behaviors into my life and into our home. I just kept over looking these leading signs, that due to lack of boundaries and consequences, that for my own issues couldn’t or wouldn’t hold firm to, he knew this.
I think back to the times he would do something and when I fought him about it he would just say “what are you going to do about it, just like I thought, nothing.” How true was that, oh on occasion I’d throw him out and like a boomerang we’d end back together. So the cycle continued.
I know he’s sick, that I’ve known for a very long time but it’s now excepting the fact that this has all been a lie and my living in a fantasy of what I pretended our relationship was. I know how bad it was but whether fear of being alone, determination to keep this loser I’d spent so many yrs fighting for, or just being beaten down so much for so long that it just was easier to believe his lies, who knows?
I’m going to remain no-contact and just do the one day at time thing again and so far Yay Me!This weekend has been rough but I keep cancelling the thoughts as they try and flood my head as I tell myself it doesn’t matter anymore that only I matter now and finding my healing.
I’m grateful that I took the steps to get on this site, it is a step for me but by reading the stories here I see others have my struggles and won’t judge me or my craziness. Thank you so much for your words and time.
sohurt,
I highly recommend a personal phone consult with Donna.
This is worth every penny and will set you on the right track.
I did this when I first discovered what was going on with all of the spaths crazy behavior.
Take your power back.
Educate yourself on the disorder and move on.
It will get better once you understand what is going on here.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Claimmypower….BRAVO on Day 10 🙂 !!!!!
I am sorry that you are being trigger by all the wedding stuff. Have you ever thought that maybe it’s your brain sorting out that you are truly blessed that he never asked you to marry him?
You my friend dodge a huge bullet by him marrying someone else. Next time you see those billboards or hear wedding songs thank your lucky stars you are free of him to find a good guy for your future. Trust me I was married to one for over 12 years it was a NIGHTMARE every second of those 12 years!
Glad that you are spending great quality time with yourself to reclaim your interests & connecting with your friends as well as educating yourself on sociopathic abuse and how this evil many twisted your mind up.
What you are experiencing of being in the fog then having “clarity” then going back into the fog is normal when coming out of a relationship with a sociopath. KEEP READING & READING & READING and relating it to your relationship….it will open your mind up…one day soon you will see the full sunshine again!!
Hugs to you 🙂 Congrats again on Day10 🙂
Jan7 – thanks for reframing how I could deal with my wedding trigger and reminding me of how being married to one of these people is not how I want to spend the rest of my days. I am spending a lot of time in my head right now with all the reading and reacting to triggers. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about how stupid it is to be thinking about him at all. He isn’t thinking about me. He doesn’t care about me. He has moved on, so I need to as well. However, I do need to spend a lot of time reading about how to help myself avoid these people in the future. He needs to be the last in a long string of them. I need to put the headstone on my sociopath dating life.
His wedding = my funeral for dating sociopaths.
Still hard. Will try to make Day 11 better than Day 10.
NWHSOM
I am stuck because I go NC for weeks then I see him and he has the ability to make me feel like I am the one in the wrong….. A scornful look…… A grunt to my reasonable, casual hello and walk on!
He accuses me of being in his face when I am not!!
I do not want to be his friend
I so not want him back in my life
He wants to be in control
To speak when he wants
To ignore me when he wants
I don’t want to get into conversation with him
I just want to feel safe
Yes…… I know these are power games
You say I am not interested ? In what specifically?
I can see how he has anchored me absolutely, completely ……. Deliberately(?) set out to make me dependent on him in some way?
I was doing ok
Just need to nail the ” meeting him face to face thing”
The rest of the time I am ok ( prob better than you perceive me to be)
This week is a significant week in my annual calendar
It has brought back lots of raw emotion
And unfortunately he is tangled up in all if that!
elsa
You are doing the power game too. It’s part of the capture of you. As you write in disclosure, you see he has anchored you. I already tried to connect with you about methods of cult leaders. Now you write in circles…what? You ask. Go back and read. That’s already been answered.
When you want free, when you truly don’t want to feel and live in the way you write that you are, you will pursue freedom.
Hi Elsa:
It seems to me that for some reason, you feel desperate for this guy’s approval, and you feel afraid of him if he doesn’t like you. That might be why you feel sad so often, and/or so angry at him. You care too much what he thinks of you.
You may want to explore why he has such an emotional hold over you. Because he knows very well that he does, and he is capitalizing on it. He is feeding on your insecurity. That might one of the reasons why he befriended you in the first place; because he sensed that you needed him to like you.
One thing that always helps me is remembering that it doesn’t matter what any sociopath thinks of you, that’s perfectly OK if they hate you, that you really don’t need their approval. And you don’t. If anything, their disapproval of you is a compliment to you. And from the way you describe this guy, he sounds like an utter creep and low-life. Why should you care if such a person hates you?
Also, it might help to remember that if he gets pissed off whenever you run into each other, it’s his problem.
I know this is probably easier said than done since you live in a small town, and you live very close to him, but another thing you could do is train yourself to become desensitized to his behavior towards you. In other words, if you run into him and he is rude to you, acknowledge to yourself that yes, his hatred and scorn of you is unpleasant, but it really isn’t the worst thing in the world. If he tries to talk to you, or interact with you in a way, rude or not, walk or run away from him, or act as if you don’t hear him. Whatever you do, don’t talk to him. Treat him no differently than you would treat a derelict and/or mentally ill person in the street who is asking you for change.
I find all this is the only way to deal with sociopaths – by not caring what they think of you, not interacting with them in any way, and pretending they don’t exist.
Also, I find the less that you care what sociopaths think of you, the less time they spend in your head.
Again, I know this is easier said than done especially since you were so close to him before, but it can be done.
Thank you!
Yes it infuriates me that I want him to like me and treat me in a way that demonstrates that he at least was once a genuine friend
Yes I was too close to him
I thought he valued my friendship
Yes I get sad
Yes it is hellish living so close! I don’t expect anyone to really be able to appreciate just how small this place us
I thought I was doing the sensible thing doing my best to avoid him
I saw that as self preservation?!
He has damaged me to my core. I know that!!!
Yes I am married and that is not good, to have been close to someone else
But I know now what he did, how he did it…. But the why bit is the part I find hard because ( even though this may be warped thinking). I feel it says more about me than it does about him!!!
He is a creep, a bully……. And much worse
I know he has bad mouthed me in this small town.especially to his wife, who I got on ok with
She and I had chatted freely etc and she spoke to me!
He has told me in no uncertain terms that his wife believes we were in a relationship
When I challenged him on that and said why don’t you tell her we didn’t, he said ” I don’t really care, she is a forgiving woman and she will get over it even though she is wrong’
I want to talk to her so much but I know he has portrayed me in a negative way to her for his own means!
Smear campaign!!!
That leaves me stuck!!
But thank you!i I know this is about beating my demons and gaining. Back some control!!!
Yes, you are doing the right, sensible thing by avoiding him. But that’s not enough. You also need to stop obsessing about him. He is occupying your mind and your life way too much. And that can weaken your resolve to maintain no contact.
Yes, he probably is bad-mouthing you to his wife, and others in your town, and that sucks. But it is still not your whole life, and it doesn’t have to be. Detach from it. Or try to. You can do this by simply getting busy with other things. You can do it by not letting what he says about you ruin your entire life. You can do it by not worrying about it any more. Because this guy is clearly not worth it.
My experience with sociopaths is they are going to bad-mouth you whether you want them to or not, no matter what you do. That is something you have no control over. It is like trying to stop the wind, or a tsunami. While it is natural to be upset by by their slandering you, dwelling on it all the time does no good. It will not change the way they treat you. You just end up being a nervous wreck. And they win, simply because they’ve taken over your life.
Don’t let him or his smear campaign against you take over your entire life.
I know all this takes effort, but you can do it. Even if you live close to him. You must at least try, or he will end up hurting you badly.
Nuff said.
i do actually have alot to get on with – a year ago i couldnt function, couldnt sleep etc.
a year on—— i know i am worth a 100 of him (more!!) and i can get on wioth things. he just upsets me and thats not good! But i feel better for not seeing him etc.
thanks x
Also, if it infuriates you that you still want him to like you, you can do something to change it. NWHSOM’s suggestion about reading Steve Hassan’s book Freedom of Mind is a good one.
And I wouldn’t talk to his wife, because she may not believe you. Let the whole thing go. Stop being involved with this man in any way.
As of today I’ve had 61 days of NC with the ex-N. Throughout the course of the 4 years of on and off dating with him I started a blog and organization dedicated to helping women get through things like this and this Saturday is my first show for that organization. I have poets lined up, singers, dancers”but I’m so nervous. What if he shows up? What if people think I’m a fraud? Please send any positive vibes, energy and prayers if you can.
Dearest Elsa,
The very first thing you need to open up to and completely accept is his being personality disordered. When we understand personality disorders it is MUCH easier to depersonalize the experience. It takes time, and we all have had to repeat our understanding of this sort of derangement. But, if we don’t understand and ACCEPT the total reality of what it means to have a personality disorder then we keep trying to evaluate their horrible behaviors according to how WE think and behave. THEY DON’T SHARE OUR INTENTIONS, NEEDS, THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS.
Then, you would really benefit from absolutely KNOWING what this means, and that it is not going to be improved by your friendly normalizing behavior toward this person. He will not be able, or willing, to respond to your friendly hellos and being a ‘nice person’.
His motivation is to control everyone and everything around him to the ‘best of his ability’. This includes you, his wife, and god knows who else.
Nailing the face to face thing is not easy. But here is something you keep missing, despite your questions.
His behavior has NOTHING to do with you. It is NOT a GIVE AND TAKE. His behavior is a completely one-sided equation. He doesn’t so much respond and he calculates his effect.
Your best strategy is to stop engaging him with any words, eye contact, etc…and to quit giving him the opportunity to mistreat you. That will mean you will HAVE to find the place inside of you that KNOWS you have done NOTHING to bring on this level of abuse. You were targeted, and you were used as a NORMAL human being. You may have some vulnerabilities, but that doesn’t make you responsible for HIS abuse. It just makes you vulnerable to it, if you keep engaging with him.
You have to draw the line, stop being so nice, and be ‘nothing’ to him. No matter what he says.
Slim
thank you. this very helpful.
i have taken it all very personally and it has been awful, evwn though my head can tell me that it is not me. i feels like it has been.
i perhaps will feel better when i have actullay seen him again, who knows when/ where that will be?!!! I wont go looking for an oppotunity by any means. but yes, i do need to get soem power back. i dont mean that in a controlling way- just to begin to feel i am free of him and his influence somehow,
thank you
elsa,
Getting OUR power back is not controlling. So, yes, I understand what you mean. But it is interesting that you were compelled to clarify that you did not want to be controlling. I think, maybe, this could be an indication that you feel a wee bit awkward about being in control of your own life, choices, responses, and behaviors. You really don’t need to be.
You have every right to be totally in control of YOU. Every every every right. It is, in fact, your responsibility to be in control. The better you know yourself, take care of yourself, have good boundaries, and make sure all the people in your life love and care about you, the better your life will become.
You probably won’t ‘feel better’ when you have seen him again, because 1. He will still be a creepy disordered meany, and 2. It is SO not up to him to make you feel better. It is up to you now.
He only wants to make you feel bad….Even if you see him one time and he is nice, he will turn around and be mean (really soon, I bet) just to confuse you and make you feel foolish for thinking he was going to be nice.
That is what disordered people do- they try and make fools of us. And if we continue to believe they will change, then we become foolish, and then it is VERY hard for us to forgiver OURSELVES.
Some of us hang in there with the disordered person so long we lose our homes, our children, and our very lives.
You have lost your dignity. You will only find it inside of you, and then you will have to behave with dignity. You deserve much more than to be emotionally abused by this callous and vindictive man. Find your dignity dear Elsa and bring the focus back to your own heart and life.
Yes, he will be nice when he feels like it and then turn for no reason. I agree! I ahev seen it so many times ove this last year,
Thank you for your comments.
What Slimone said. Not taking his nastiness personally is also very helpful.
I was targeted by a man kind of similar to this guy, though I never became close friends with him.
Not taking his his hostility towards me personally, and not caring what he thinks of me really helped me deal with him whenever I saw him in person.