Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
I felt I was doing the “right” thing in trying to take control and be in control. Then I was told I was bein controlling.
I have looked at this issue in my life, analysed it till I am sick of it.
I haver good friends
A husband ( not perfect but he is a good, decent man)
And then this idiot marches into my life, turns everything upside down and proceeds to control me, my thoughts, absoluetely destroys any dignity I ever had,
Don’t get me wrong. I know many on here have suffered far more than me.
For some reason I feel that the fact we were friends is almost worse than being lovers. I thought he liked me. Not loved me. People, break up, move on etc.
but friends are friends. I was a friend to him but he obvioulsy was never my friend.
I need to learn to live with that
In such a small place that is hard.
Mutual friends, acquaintances, social activities.
I feel like he has robbed my liife
I am too anxious to go out amongst the community. Have lived in for over 39 yrs for fear of him being there,
Stupid I know. But that’s the way it is right now!!
Maybe in time it will get easier!
elsa
While we all encounter evil when we are targeted by a sociopath, our journeys to healing is as individual as we are.
As you know, it’s easier to see the blind spots in others than it is to see them in ourselves… otherwise we wouldn’t call them BLIND spots!
In my experience with a sociopath, I do liken it to a battle with EVIL. He had no humanity, no empathy, no remorse. He was a driven destroyer, angry at everyone, and opportunistic in his single minded focus to scapegoat others for his own EVIL choices.
Ultimately, to regain my life back, I stopped trying to “win” battles against him and looked within myself. I decided WHO I am, I DEFINED ME and who I CHOSE TO BE, I define how that looks, HOW I chose to interact with the general public, how do I manage my own friendships and family relationships. This is how I transformed an experience of EVIL into MY benefit. Evil taught me what I would not accept in my life, and helped me to define my priorities.
I did this journey by gathering EVERY tool I could find. I did not follow other’s who said “you must do “this” or you must do “that”. Rather, I assessed what it meant for ME and whether the advice fit MY values and MY definition of myself.
Your blind spot is that you follow an external locus. That means you try to do what others say and it fails you because 1) you don’t understand the principle behind the advice and 2) it doesn’t fit who you define yourself to be.
This is VERY typical of people who are captured by cult leaders. Whether a leader of one or of thousands, their victims seek someone to tell them what to do.
I’m not TELLING you to look at Steven Hassans book or TELLING you to read it or TELLING you to watch his videos. I only offer you the tools, and an OPINION that it will benefit your situation. Hassan is on several youtube videos, which are free (I like free, esp when I haven’t decided whether the help is worth paying for) My library has his book, which again, is free. That you refuse to even check it out, when it costs you NOTHING and may possibly give you tools to prevail in this nightmare you find yourself living?…. I can only conclude you have an ulterior motive to stay attached to your demon. And people do have those attachments; some call it trauma bonding, some want to stay connected to EVIL because they can’t stand the loss, even as they complain about the pain.
Here’s a fact: Unless you find your own true self, define it, and stand true to it, you will continue a power struggle in a battle of wills against EVIL. A battle of Wills is EXACTLY what EVIL ones want. As they say, “Never wrestle with a pig. You only get dirty. And the pig LIKES it.” You are losing the power struggle. Your “friend” has captured your thoughts, you structure your life around him, and you have a misplaced values priority, you’re still trying to find common ground when in reality, he’s a predator doing what predators do. There’s no surprise that he’s an asshole and unpredictable. That’s what sociopaths are. It’s NOT personal towards you, he’s merely being the characteristic HIMSELF.
Here’s a FACT: THEY, the evil ones, are sociopaths and trap/harm us. But ONLY WE can free ourselves and Heal. But we have to WANT that.
Waiting him out? What kind of quality of life is that? You can chose better, but you’d have to CHOOSE to work on yourself, chose to focus on finding your own definition of yourself and what you will tolerate and will NOT tolerate in your time here on earth. And KNOWING that about yourself is an incredible strong shield against a predator who is only doing what predators do.
Just as we don’t seek “getting along” with a poisonous viper, we learn to see the sociopath as equal to a poisonous viper and respond with indifference to it, moving aside so it can’t strike but otherwise, it has no place in our daily life. Asking others to feel badly for us is natural but it doesn’t change the work we have to do for ourselves. In fact, at some point, chosing ONLY pity becomes it’s own trap. We can support your CHOSEN journey to healing, but again, wrestling with the pig is NOT healing. Healing comes from YOU looking within and defining YOU and not allowing anything less.
Excellent advice. But what advice would you have for a disabled, 77 year old single lady whose 5 children inherited their father’s psychotic traits. She lives alone, has not one blood relative and friends who are far flung and aging as well. I just came out of rehab and the sights I witnessed in there were horrifying. What advice would you give this lady who now finds herself totally alone and oh so needy.?
flicka
I am merely another person who lived a nightmare of being married to a sociopath. That sociopath destroyed my relationship with my child. It happened behind my back and I didn’t know about it until crisis time. I am not a therapist. When I see clarity in a person’s nightmare, I can share my thoughts and insights specific to that person. There is a general theme, that EVIL is done TO us and as awful as those traumas and assaults are, WE are the Only ones who can heal ourselves. We do that by seeking answers and truths and goodness.
I, too, am an orphan. Alone, with friends who are far flung, and frankly I am also acutely aware that they don’t want to listen to me be a downer. So I keep my needy self for my therapy work, and I share my joys and humor and gifts with good hearted people, and in that manner, the good has a type of synergy that feedsback feelings of joy to me.
Figure out what you need. Get it from the appropriate sources. I believe LF members are so very helpful, but people should not expect those who struggle themselves to be their rescuers. We can share our epiphanies and successes, but we victims do have to DO, take action, on our own behalf. Nobody will do it FOR US.
I’ve read many of your posts and you have shared your wisdom with others. Surely you did not expect to rescue them, to do for them what they would not do for themselves? Surely you knew that is an impossible task because healing is as individual as we are, and only by knowing ourselves and our needs can we identify our own specific journey on our own path. That’s why a stranger, another victim, on a website can not possibly be the end all answer, because it’s impossible for us to know all the nuances and needs of someone who is NOT us.
I have a life philosophy that serves me when I am overwhelmed. It involves GOD. That’s my path and I anchor to Truth and Goodness and Wisdom, and GOD of course.
I send prayers to you and to elsa but other people’s choice is out of my control.
Dear Flicka, I am imagining your pain and loneliness at the disappointment with your children and those who betrayed you. I can imagine what it’s like to look back over your life and see all you’ve lost. I know how that feels, though I’m a few years behind you in age. I’m deeply sorry for your losses. As one who has suffered many losses, I resonate with the pain of true loneliness.
I too have been without any biological family to speak of. But what I have discovered is that without a biological family, the whole world is my family. Even LF is like a little family. I make every social group I belong to – work, Zumba, Salsa, etc.- my family. I cannot help it. It is how I channel my needs.
Personally, I think 77 is a great age to reinvent yourself and rewrite your story by investing into something – any little thing – that is meaningful. Last year I helped out teaching English as a Second Language and received so much more than what I gave. Before that, I traveled, learned Spanish, and took up salsa dancing – all in my 50’s. Each one of those things opened up a new door for me. This year, I decided to invest in a retirement home that I would rent out until I retire. At first, I felt like my life would be over, with all my money going to this project. But then I started imagining how I would fix the place up and landscape it, improving the neighborhood. I imagine the neighbors will love the improvements and will become a new set of friends/family for me with the mutual interest of improving our neighborhood. I imagine myself at your age (70’s) sitting out on the little front porch reading and visiting with all the neighbors. It warms my heart.
I also will say that I have 2 surrogate moms who are more like moms to me than my bio mom was. Perhaps you can fill the role of surrogate mom or grandmother for someone in need. Just a thought. There are probably many people out there who would love to have you as part of their family.
Being alone is really great, BTW. I have come to enjoy my own company and don’t even really want or need a man any more. I hope that in spite of what you have been through, you find some measure of meaning and happiness in your life. Thanks for reaching out – you are not really as alone as you think.
Warmly,
Star
Dear sweet Star, Thanks so much for your compassion and suggestions; I know you are right but I have additional problems. Fiercely independent feisty and hard-working my whole life, I never before felt needy as now. My work and projects always kept me frightfully busy and happy but now that I can no longer drive or work, I can’t “do” for myself as before. My little ranch house is more than adequate; I just miss PEOPLE who are loving, considerate. Everyone I meet seems to be out for the mighty dollar (sickening) and busy, young yuppie neighbors are from India, Pakistan etc. Thinking of moving into independent living fascility just for meals, housekeeping and companionship. I’m oh so friendly but here in a capital city, everybody/everything seems so rushed, hectic, polluted and crime ridden. Made friends with little neighbor girl but no POA, POH or anything. Just getting dressed in the am’s takes an hour to get my shoe brace on so some days I don’t even dress! Thinking of calling a church. Thanks for all your suggestions; perhaps a change of living place is all I need…we’ll see.
hello flicka
Star did write a lovely reply and I felt better myself having read it. But you touch on a fact that I have found, that people/society seem to have become very insular. I thought it was the difference between small town and city living. I have my little house, I am friendly to my neighbors, I know all of them. I chat, and yet, there is no sense of community. I volunteer at my library and from there, I am a member of a discussion group. It is my main source of social contact and the ladies there are such gems. But I had to go find them. When I moved to this house, there was no greeting, no welcome. That’s just the way it is anymore. I do think it’s a society thing, with internet and cell phones, people are far more connected to MEDIA than to people.
Like I wrote to you, I am in the same boat, not quite 77, but at an age where people/society sees me as “used up”, not a future but only a past. I had to find a way to connect with others, or the depression was going to take over. I was struggling to find a reason to live. I did not find sympathy here on LF, no one replied to my post. I found, through my community college, some lectures for the over 55 and some outings to the museums. Those were VERY good because they were interesting as well as a way to meet other community members who felt as isolated as I did.
The sociopath did not just take my child, my community, my livelihood, my home… he took all the connections I had with any future. That’s when I had to face my own self and ask, what would make me feel better. I needed more than just a hello or a person, I needed like minded individuals to socialize with, someone who would notice if I was gone. I found that, like I wrote, in the community groups found at the meetups at the library and at the classes/lectures for the over 55’s at my community college.
Kindest regards and apologies for the lack of compassion to my own reply. You are the one who most closely matches my own life circumstances. And if you were in my area, I’d be at your door with a cake and a bouquet. We, who are so isolated and invisible in a sea of people, HAVE to find a way to connect with each other!
You and Not are correct – that our culture glorifies material things and deemphasizes relationships. Also we do not value our seniors. In many other cultures, seniors are treated with utmost respect and reverance. I’m sure there are some groups where someone like you is valued and revered for your wisdom, and cared for with your disability. But unfortunately, you do have to search for it since it doesn’t seem endemic to our culture (or move to another country). I think just reaching out and being able to accept help are huge. You may find you enjoy assisted living. If not, there are STILL places that would love to use you as a volunteer. There are many people and animals out there who need so much. In giving, you may find you are receiving what you need and then some. One of the sad things about a forum such as this is that we all live in different places. I’m sure I’d come visit you if you lived nearby.
How about if someone would start LF Chapters in some areas which might put victims in physical touch with one another? This might aid in forming friendships, disseminating facts and bring us all the compassion we all feel and need?
flicka,
Sadly, getting in touch still is potentially very risky. This site is trolled by sociopaths, and you don’t want to be on their radar. I have reached out to someone before and it turned out they left out quite a bit of their story and were very rough and scary. The best was to connect is via Donna and email. I have met up with a couple of people for lunch and that was nice but it only happened when I traveled 1000mi. to their state.
I know you love your independence. I love mine as well. But there is a natural time when the definition of independence is changed, when accessing resources become wisdom rather than “outside interference”.
You mentioned senior living facility. I’ve looked a quite a few. I like the ones with mini apartments and an active social program. They provide the transportation to visit museums, lunches, parades, etc and they bring in speakers. The residents make requests. Our local over 55’s from the community college meet at a senior facility and history teachers bring slides and a fascinating talk about ancient Greece, Egpyt. It’s about LOGISTICS, getting people together. So it’s not the “old folks home”, it’s Supported independent living. Even some condo housing has “enhanced social programs” where they schedule outings and have a meeting room for talks and the crafts were fun, not childish. We had a luau complete with Hawaiian dancing. I don’t live there but my friend does and she invited me. I’d LOVE to live there. Pets are only cats/dogs/caged critters, no birds because of the noise to others. Sorry about that part. That’s the down side for you I think, no birds when neighbors are close.
All my best, wishing you all the best,
NWHSOM
Flicka, there are probably support groups of various sorts for women in your area – frankly, I wish I were in one for women entering menopause. I encourage you to keep reaching out and looking for the support you need and deserve. We all need human comfort, hugs, and occasional massages (I had to add that, being a massage therapist). Please don’t let yourself get too isolated. It’s so easy to do as you get older. I have made some very good friends in a spiritual community, and they fill some need for deep connecting on a spiritual level and the need for hugs. I also belong to salsa dancing and zumba communities and have some friends there, my ESL community, my work friends, and then my sweet boyfriend who holds me at night when I need it. There are animal shelters who are in dire need of volunteers to just sit and love on the animals. I volunteered for a no-kill cage-free cat shelter for years, and the benefit was all on my side. We all need the comfort and support of others. May you find it, too, and hopefully, LF can be part of it, though it can only go so far. I think if you can imagine yourself as loved and supported and bask in the feeling, you will magnetize more of it into your life. 🙂
I haven’t “refused” to look at the material. I have taken a tentative look at the concept of cult based theories. The idea of it is a significant thing to face up to.
My posts don necessarily reflect all my thinking, or actions.
I am sorry if I come across as someone who has lost ALL sense of perspective . I suppose I find this plac the only plac I can sound off when I feel weak and vulnerable,
I do get in with my life, and I is an interesting and varied one,
In another area of my life ( managing a project) I have had to deal with a “people management” issue recently thst has worn me down, because I find it hard to confront conflict and say it as it is! I suppose I have always “denied myself” and chosen to put others before myself.
I have eventually tackled that situation……. Probably a long time after most people would have.
A colleague said to me she was proud of me because she knows how hard I find it to speak my mind when doing so could be at the expense of other people’s feelings.
I don’t wat to turn into a hard, outspoken, self serving person.
But me do know I need to be tougher, with HIM and with myself.
Yes, I am on a journey like everyone on here.
I am digesting the Steve hassan stuff andi will get there.
I
I am a 60 year old male who was living with a 50 year old female for three years. I had known her for two years before. I wrote a letter to my Ex-girlfriend a few days after I left. I had said to myself enough is enough after one of her quick insulting outbursts. I packed my belongings, threw them in the car and just walked out of the house never to return. The whole process took about 20 minutes and she just sat at her computer never saying a word as I vacated.
I started doing research online regarding anti-social personality disorders. I wanted to know what had happened to me. I was searching for things to read because I was hurting. I found this website (and I am glad I did) and reading so many posts about recovery from abuse put me in the right direction for healing and recovery. Even though I did not know at the time the exact label to place on her activity I knew in my gut that things were not normal. She was not normal. Our relationship was not normal and getting worse.
I have since learned that I was being abused by a Female Narcissistic Sociopath. Ialso learned that I should have no contact and keep no contact. This also has helped me with my healing.
BELOW IS THE LETTER I SENT TO HER BEFORE I KNEW WHO OR WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH.
Her Name:
It is probably a good thing that I am going away at this time as things are not working out for you and I. Hopefully, with this absence, we can get a sense of direction. This is very difficult for me because I realize I care too much. I love you too much. Can you believe “care “and “love” can be too much?
I have been living under the impression that we were in a relationship that thrived on open and honest disclosures. This is something that I told you in the very beginning was so refreshing, rewarding, uplifting and beneficial to me. I found peace in being able to talk with you about anything in my life and past.
However, unlike a healthy intimate relationship, you have used my deepest confidences and thoughts against me. Things I have confided in you are thrown in my face when you have an outburst. I have found that I cannot trust you with my heart, so I keep my mouth shut.
It pains me to say, accept, digest and admit that I have come to the realization that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I need to be honest with you and myself so I can regain power over my own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.
To be frank, I quite often didn’t see your mistreatment of me as abusive. I assumed and believed it was all growing pains of us getting to know each other and learning each other. I have come to realized that I had started developing coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress. The effects of this emotional abuse over time have caused me emotional trauma, including depression and anxiety.
There have been many moments of joy and pleasure in our relationship. I figured, go ahead and enjoy the sex, enjoy the compliments, enjoy the affection and attention. But I found that I had to leave the joy in the moment. I could not assume that because you smiled a minute ago that the smile would be there when I looked again. I need happiness and joy in my life, so I grabbed all I could in the moment. I find myself doing things I don’t wish to do because of your behavior to me if I don’t.
At times I feel guilty and like I have to walk on eggshells just to keep less stress in my life. You have been telling me weekly “this is my house.” “This is my room.” “I need to rent someplace where you won’tdisturb me.” “You talk too loud on thephone.” “The TV is too loud.” “What? Are you bringing clothes into my house?” My presence use to be appreciated now it appears I am an annoyance.
When we started our relationship you were concerned the children wouldn’t care for me. That they would reject me and you did have a desire for us to blend and bond. You have seen the children respect me, carefor me, bond with me, trust me, love me and even stand up to you for your rude behavior to me. You got what you wanted but your jealousy consumes you.
I have been living of late knowing and feeling that most everything I do and say will be wrong. If I am right today, I will most likely be wrong tomorrow. It doesn’t matter what I do, the ridicule will continue.
You “say” how much you love me and care for me and how glad you are that I am there, but it is all just words. Your walk does not match your talk. Such a simple thing as having a clean home for you and your children doesn’t matter to you. You don’t care. You haven’t cared enough to clean things up. You don’t care enough to make adifference for them or me.
I realize that my “Healing” is a process. To that end I have listed and identified the behaviors that I find abusive and are no longer OK with me.
1. You humiliate me and put me down, or make fun of you in front of the children.
2. You regularly demean and disregard my opinions, ideas, suggestions, and needs.
3. You accuse me of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect the abusive remarks.
4. You try to control me and treat me like a child.
5. You correct or chastise me for my behaviour
6. I feel like I need permission to make decisions.
7. I cannot change anything in the house or bring in new things (i.e. furniture, my clothes).
8. You belittle and trivialize me and my accomplishments, likes, hopes and dreams.
9. You try to make me feel as though you are always right, and I am wrong.
10. You regularly give me disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.
11. You regularly point out my flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
12. You accuse and blame me for things you know aren’t true.
13. You are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
14. You make excuses for your behaviour, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing especially in a timely manner.
15. You blame me for your problems, life difficulties and unhappiness.
16. You give me unpleasant labels and make cutting remark.
17. You get emotionally distant and emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.
18. You disengage and use neglect and abandonment to punish me (like sleeping on the couch or the kids rooms).
19. You don’t seem to notice or care about my feelings.
20. You view me as an extension of your ex-husband, rather than as me the individual.
21. You withhold sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
22. You deny your emotionally abusive behaviour when I have brought it to your attention.
23. You use a very unpleasant tone of voice.
24. You are unreasonably jealous.
25. You withdraw your affection and attention to punish me.
26. You make everything my fault.
You have been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse. I wish you would own up fully to what you have done and stop making excuses and blaming others. Make amends. Accept responsibility and recognize that your abusive behavior is a choice. Accept the consequences of your actions and behaviors.
You may no longer lash out at me and be rude to me. I will not tolerate it any longer. Life is too short and precious for me to spend it with a person who chooses to hurt me. I am lovable. I deserve respect.
I have noticed a change in my demeanour, appearance, and self-esteem as a result of being in our relationship. I feel as though I cannot do anything right for you. I am finding I no longer do things for myself. It seems I am always doing things for you just to keep things happy and at peace. I feel trapped in the situation. I have told you this before, but it has fallen on deaf ears. I feel disrespected, demeaned and unappreciated.
The bottom line is that I am being treated very poorly now and with each passing day. It is clear this will only continue and it is getting more intense and more frequent. I hate to admit it but I don’t see it getting better I don’t see a future with you.
I am wasting so much of my valuable life with someone who does not respect or cherish me. Love is never supposed to be abusive. Love is not supposed to be hurtful. Love is never controlling. I also realize I cannot change you. I can only change myself. That is what I must do.
It was obvious that you wanted me out of your house because you didn’t want any more of my clothes there. Well, you wanted your house back and my clothes out of your closet. You got it.
It is apparent you do not appreciate my presence. Perhaps you will appreciate my absence.
Fly – you are absolutely right – the woman is disordered. I am so glad that you recognized it and escaped.
Dearest NotWhatHeSAIDofME, How sweet and helpful your comment was; as Star’s comment, I know that is what I must do. Not being able to drive or walk without my walker does somewhat help dampen seeking out those necessary friendships; it’s a hurdle I somehow have to meet in order to remain vibrant and happy. After all is said and done, it IS caring relationships which matter in the end and if I have to go to a ‘senior living’ place in order to accomplish it, I will do it. As you can hear, I’m still full of love and feisty as ever; just so I never feel I have to go back to the psychos in my life in order to feel I have some support; they are waiting with baited breath for me to come crawling! Without some sort of support group, one feels terribly vulnerable! If only you or your likes lived nearby! My cockapoo companion of 14 years just died and everybody needs someone to love. Also, I just got out of a rehab center where I saw unbelievable horrors so my mindset is not currently good. But that is where they ‘stick’ you if you live alone. Hopefully, this too shall pass. Many thanks for your helpful suggestions and compassion; they mean an awful lot!
flicka
I totally understand what you mean about them waiting for us to come crawling back. The mindset was confusing to me. I had thought they were merely misogynistic, that I was expected to “know my place”. I later discovered that sociopaths assess EVERYONE and rate them according to power. So in my ex family, I was to accept that they were entitled to abuse me because I had no power. HORSESHI….!!!
Still, it was an eye opener to realize I’d been sized up, categorized, and trivialized from seconds upon meeting them. Decent people don’t even think to do that. But that’s NORMAL for a sociopath. SO predatory! Isn’t that mindblowing?!! I tell people, you can NEVER UNDERESTIMATE the potential of EVIL to be EVIL. I told my ex I’d rather be homeless than married to him, and wow… I MEANT it!
I had always looked forward to living arrangements like in “Golden Girls”… a mature version of housesharing just like I did when I first left home all those decades ago. As long as I could have my own space and a veranda to sit outside… and easy to access social gatherings. I wish you a good fit where ever you chose to live.
I can relate to the Golden Girls thought; often thought so myself. In case you’re ever in the NC area, that’s where I am.
P.S. your last note left me feeling “fuzzy”…thanks for that kind-heartedness. You’re a dear-heart. M-L.
Fly, Wow! Your letter is an outline of disordered abuse. If you could be this clear about what you experienced, before you stumbled upon the idea of narcissism and psychopathy, then you have got a jump start to healing.
Not to minimize the absolute pain you must feel in the aftermath of such a nightmare…but I feel strength in that letter.
From the looks of your list of unacceptables I am certain she will appreciate NOTHING. Not your absence or your presence. It is likely she just lives a few seconds at a time, never connecting the meaning of one moment to the next.
I am glad you left, and I wish you all the best in staying away. I found it was VERY helpful to learn as much as I could about disordered personalities, as a way to recognize the manipulations and abuses they use to ensnare our empathy and attention.
Lovefraud has been invaluable to me. First in helping me stay clear of the abuser, once I cut contact. Then, helping me rebuild my confidence. Now it is a good place for me to contribute, and to find continued inspiration.
You have done the right thing, Fly, leaving the abuse.
Slim
Flicka, I also cannot say enough about being with just yourself and spending time alone. Some people with families and obligations would kill for some alone time. I use my alone time to meditate and relax without any distractions. Often I can resolve issues because my energy shifts and I feel clearer. Please don’t think of being alone as something negative or as a stigma or life sentence. Frankly, even with a new wonderful bf, I cannot function without my alone time, and I’d be fine if he were not in my life.
NWHSOM, Thanks; hadn’t thought about the riskiness of forming chapters…thanks a lot.
Having recently come out of a rehab center, I saw, smelled, heard horrors there which will never leave me. Got me to thinking about and researching independent living options. But should I ever deplete my resources, the State just throws you wherever they want and eventually kills you with morphine etc. My youngest is a pediatrician which might be my only way out eventually. Sorry to go there but it’s reality.
Thanks for all the helpful advice; you’re all right!!!