Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath.
Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more.
Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover?
Many of your friends and family tell you, “Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move on.” You are particularly likely to hear this advice if you were “only” dating the person, not married.
The friends and family dispensing this pithy advice probably were never involved with a sociopath. They don’t understand the depth of the betrayal. When you split from a sociopath, it is not a normal breakup. The intensity of these relationships makes the end incredibly painful.
Relationship and addiction
The sociopath initiated this intensity in the beginning of the relationship by showering you with attention, wanting to be with you all the time, claiming that you were soul mates, and painting a glimmering picture of your future together. You, never having experienced such adoration, believed that he or she was head over heels in love with you. Even if you felt misgivings, you suppressed them and focused on the promise of happily ever after.
Then, sooner or later, the sociopath did something to make you feel fear or anxiety. Perhaps you caught your partner lying or cheating. Perhaps he or she suddenly became enraged—you weren’t sure why—and threatened to end your relationship.
Whatever it was, the bliss that you felt in the beginning was shattered, and you wanted it back. You asked what was wrong, tried to work things out, perhaps even apologized for something that you didn’t do. Eventually the sociopath relented, and you kissed and made up.
Then, the whole cycle started again: Intense attraction. An incident causing fear and anxiety. Relief. Around and around it went.
This process has a profound psychological effect—it actually makes you addicted to the relationship. That’s why it’s so hard to break up with a sociopath. You’re not breaking off a relationship—you’re breaking an addiction.
Choose yourself
Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you must work on your recovery, day in and day out.
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your internal devastation into a closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you try to do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
The solution is to choose yourself. Make a commitment to yourself that you will recover, and then work it, day by day.
Steps of recovery
The first step is No Contact. Get the person out of your life. Stop seeing and talking to him or her. Block emails and text messages. Don’t visit his or her Facebook page.
This will be difficult in the beginning, because, remember, you are breaking an addiction. You’ll feel a compulsion to contact your former romantic partner. But if you do, it’s just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You’ll be back at square one, and you’ll have to start the recovery process all over again.
The secret to breaking the addiction, as they say in 12-step programs, is to take it one day at a time. So commit to yourself that you will not contact the sociopath today. Then you make the same commitment tomorrow, and then the next day.
The longer you stay away from the sociopath, the stronger you become.
Deeper healing
Getting the sociopath out of your life is only the first part of your recovery. The second, and most important, part, is healing whatever made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.
We all have vulnerabilities—it’s part of being human. We have internal fears, doubts and injuries from our past. Or we have dreams and ambitions—these, too, in the practiced hands of a sociopath, can become vulnerabilities, when he or she promises to make them come true. But generally, the sociopaths target our weaknesses, because that’s the easiest and most effective way to hook us.
Usually the weaknesses boil down to a subconscious belief, deep within us, that we are not good enough.
We rationalize that our mother ignored us, or our father abused us, because we were not good enough. We assume that an earlier romantic involvement failed because we were not good enough. These ideas may have been deeply buried, but they still caused pain, and pain created vulnerability. Sociopaths can sense vulnerability like a shark senses blood in the water.
Releasing the pain
How do you recover from these deep wounds? You acknowledge that they exist. You look at them and allow yourself to feel the associated emotions—pain, disappointment, fear, anger, rage, numbness—and then you let the emotions go.
This is a process, and is best done in private, or with the help of a competent therapist. You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain, and as you release one, another rises to take its place. You may find yourself crying, wailing or stomping to release anger. You work your way through the layers of emotions, acknowledging, feeling and releasing.
You can’t do this all at once—it’s too draining, and you still have to live your life. In fact, you should intersperse these sessions of releasing with times of treating yourself well, and feeling joy at whatever goodness you experience, no matter how small.
True recovery isn’t easy, fun or instant—it takes work and a commitment to yourself. But the rewards are so wonderful: Release from old traumas. Life lived with peace and lightness. The opportunity for true love and happiness.
It all begins with making a decision to recover.
Just a few recurring dream themes:
* driving over hazardous mountain terrain
* water dreams – trying to cross bodies of water over precarious bridges or things that are under construction
* islands – driving over bodies of water over a very precarious causeway from one island to the next
* traveling to unknown (unrecognized) destinations that require a long journey into uncomfortable places (climatic, etc.)
* house dreams – dwellings and buildings that aren’t mine but I’m there, nevertheless
I can pretty much sort the symbolisms out, myself – some are downright obvious. But, I’d love to read others’ takes on these bits of symbolism.
Brightest lbessings
Hi Truthy, How are Ya?
hmmm, dreams are fascinating. I have had many “house dreams” – dwellings thay aren’t mine but I’m there, nevertheless. I have a theory about this. It’s not very scientific and really obvious, for my circumstances anyway. We moved around a lot when I was a child and I think when I get anxious now as an adult this dream recurs. Maybe my mind associates feeling stressed with these emotions …I don’t know but moving house and/or living somewhere totally foreign is a dream I have a lot.
Being high up also. ..like on top of a mountain that has a ver small summit. Very precarious….and I have to climb down! Now that one always scares me.
I think I have some healing to do yet. I have to face it here, this guy next thing turned me into a basket case till i figured out he was completely fake. i went from just over 200 pounds to less than 150. couldnt eat, had the dry heaves almost hourly for months. it was really difficult to maintain my professionalism at work.
i’m back to about 180 now and have begun exercising a little. I have made some progress in dealing with the self doubt and insecurities that came from this.
worst part was looking back and seeing that he was having fun doing it through her. makes me think he was trying to destroy me for calling into doubt his perfect image.
I guess i feel lucky in a way, we’re still together, and I get to see little bits of her coming back and she is working on her co-dependency. she actually is learning to stand up to people. wouldnt you know she started with him and in the case of no contact, she practices on me! I find it a turn on. its really neat to feel her stand up to me. rarely felt that before in our twenty three years. she works at a hospital and actually had the sand to suggest that a doctor might change her whites cause they looked grungy! wow! figured out from that i think that she has to be careful not to overdo it on the assertiveness.
so isn’t my path shorter or much easier than hers? I do not find myself in the awful situation where my intellect is arguing with my emotions. I haven’t ever experienced that but i can imagine it is horrible and draining.
true I do have a path to travel but I am more worried about my wife. and my therapist feels that part of my path is kind of intertwined with hers. not the part that is my own, but the part that includes the relationship. I guess maybe i need to put some space between those parts?? or concede that the relationship has to wait? or that i must be god awful patient for it to deepen much?? we are doing many more things together than we ever did before. little things.
Thruthspeak (and strongawoman)
* driving = road in your life… rought terrain, means your life is a rough terrain to you right now. You still have some mountains to climb. Also note who’s the actual driver in driving dreams! Do you hold te steering wheel of your life in your own hands? Or are you letting someoe else do the driving?
* bodies of water always stand for your emotional life. It sounds like you’re trying to cross your emotions without getting wet, howver the aids to do that are either unsafe or not finished yet. Maybe next time, just jump in the water and cross by wading?
* islands are usually portrayed as places to relax and escape from everyday life. But here I think the ‘escape’ is linked to the bodies of water… as if you’re trying to escape fro the vast emotions within you. I also get a picture of how these islands are so small in comparison to the body of water… it implies to me that your feeling of groundedness is sparse. Instead of getaway islands, perhaps find a route to the mainland?
* houses – it doesn’t matter whether it’s your house of that of anybody else’s… houses always represent you: the private you (bedroom), the healing you (bathroom), the public you (living room), your needs (kitchen), your secret subconscious (the cellar), ….
rgc,
I see a relationship as a bridge, 3rd entity. You both are pillars, standing on your own at the other side of the river/road. The relationship is a bridge between you two and is its own entity. So, there are three individuals really in a relationship – you, her and the relationship itself. You work on yourself, she works on herself, and you both put into the relationship.
I don’t think you should necessarily put the relationship aside, but the relationship cannot just be her healing, and her unfaithfulness to you. Your relationship is the daily life (household stuff, fun stuff, support stuff). Household doesn’t have to be chores alone. It can actually be fun if you do it together, like a team… like both going shopping for food, and one of you being hte cook and hte other helping out with the salads or something. Same for cleaning- goes quicker and feels like a team (that bridge) if you both start in some separate room and work towards joining in the final room. But you can both go for a ride and have a walk in the woods, or beach, or lake, whichever. Take her out somewhere, where you both dress up for each other,. I’m just throwing out stuff here out of the top of my head.
The important thing for the both of you is to just be a couple once in a while without the mess. It doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily ignoring the past and wreckage the spath havocked in both of your lives. It just means you both get to feel like a couple again. It’s good to concentrate on the issues and the past, but you also need to be a couple in the now.
Strongawoman, hi back atcha. I’m “okay” in that I haven’t run off screaming into a busy highway. I’m taking proactive steps that I hope are fruitful in securing housing and whatnot. If you had told me, one year ago, that I would be homeless, penniless, and without transportation, I would have told you that you were insane. My, my….how Life does take us places.
Darwinsmom, thanks for the feedback on the symbolism. Yes, the emotional issues – I do not want to face any of the emotional issues simply because I fear that I would land myself in a psych ward. Odd thing about the “dwelling” dreams – they are usually industrial or commercial places. Like warehouses, or really haphazard and dingy shops.
Weird, weird, weird how our minds just unload. I have always wondered what dogs and cats dream about….
I digress
…..running, chasing bunny rabbits, eating bones and biting the postman.
yeh Truthy, life can change pdq. Glad to see you’re hanging in there girl.
Thruthspeak,
Warehouses and those dingy shops sound like archive places… it’s where you stock stuff either to put to use later, or where you put stuff of the past to be revisited later. So, it sounds to me those places are about burried issues that you stored away and those dreams suggest it’s time to confront them. You could go treasure hunting in it perhaps.
I rarely dream about dogs but I dreamt about two dogs in a dream when the spath lived with me and I had this feeling of doom, of losing my way, as if the relationship was slipping through my fingers like sand or water. Anyway, when I came to the dead end in the dark of the night and I stepped out of the car to investigate this old family farm (with a giant patio), two small pet dogs came running towards me. I’m actually frightened of dogs in real life (I was bittten twice by dogs). But they were happy to see me, and it felt like they were my friends and guardians. Anyway, dogs can symbolize friendship and protection.
However, I often have dreams with cats, often when I’m walking in a city, on the street. It’s rarely clear what the goal of hte walk is, so I often regard it as to mean ‘how I walk through my life’ (comparable to car driving). And it can happen that a cat will meet me along hte way and accompany me. It usually evokes a feeling of concern, responsibility and care over the cat. So, a cat has the characteristics of being both a guide as well as someone I worry about and I want to be safe.
Darwinsmom, I never considered it as a “treasure hunting” place. There was always a feeling of gloom and doom in these places.
Dogs and cats…..I hold to spiritual beliefs that run along the lines of aboriginal approaches, and I firmly believe in animal spirit guides in dreams, and in waking life.
A couple of years before this marriage ended, I had “encounters” with a couple of strong spirit guides. One was an owl and the other was a hawk. Up close, and personal. I’ve also been visited by eagles. Hawk and eagle are “far-seeing” and represent (as my understanding goes) the ability to see all things in perspective. At the time, and to this day, I don’t believe that I have any perspective, whatsoever. It’s getting there, but it was (and, remains) an intangible that I never really had.
Thruthspeak,
I’m sure you felt they were places of gloom and ooom. Most of the old stuff stored away there is probably ‘rubbish’, but my suggestion to go treasure hunting is to switch and look at it from a useful perspective for you.
Sometimes our preconceptions hold us back from doing something useful with the dream opportunity. Of course you feel gloomy in those places: they are the storage places of all the stuff you’ve been storing away and yet wanted to avoid. And it’s probably piled up to the roof with stuff. You can never take in that place in one go. But you can start with one item.
I think those places are a request from your mind to start decluttering your memory, especially on the stuff you allocate emotions to. And for me decluttering equals treasure hunting. When I declutter a drawer or some box in the Flylady program, I end up of course throwing or giving away the clutter, but I usually also find something I had forgotten I had (like those diary writings of a couple weeks back), and to me it’s a keepsake treasure… So I regard decluttering as treasure hunting… under the pile of rubbish that’s broken and old and worn and useless, there’s always something you totally forgot about and that can empower you.
Dogs and cats fall under the guidance role in dreams for me, yes. I’ve done several mediations along the native american totem pattern (more than one animal guide). Personality wise I’ve got the wolf totem, but it’s a bit of a lone wolf… not voluntarily, but chased off by the pack for being different. So, I made friends with a squirrel and penguin (two of my friends) instead. The spiritual totem (linked to the crown chakra) is a snowowl, and I saw it linked to Athena. My inner emotional totem is a hedgehog (not a harmful animal, doesn’t pose a threat, but a bit grumpy and it can roll up in defense and spike the nose of an inquisitive fox on the hunt to make him run for the hills). My ground totem is an eagle, which seems odd… how can flying high in the sky help you to ground… However, it’s my dreams and my creativity and even my fantasy that often urge me into action to implement parts of it in reality. Without inspiration I find it very difficult to start doing something. So I guess it makes sense. And the totem of the east is a lion, a very lazy lion. I do need time to start going, and somewhat a procrastinator. Once I get going though I’m like a steam train.
I don’t know the other 3 yet (South, West, North), but hope that at least one of them isn’t a hunter symbol… sounds mighty nice having all those hunters (a hedgehog is a hunter animal too, even though it eats worms and insects), but euhm doesn’t make it easier really.