Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.)
What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief’s mentality.
“Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath’s “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath’s “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, finally, a more mature grasp of his priorities; of his having learned, perhaps at long last, finally to appreciate and value his blessings (including you).
Don’t be deceived. The aging sociopath’s “mellowing” will have nothing to do with a maturation, genuine repentance or self-discovery process. In the end, it will be about “burnout,” and nothing more.
And “burnout” really isn’t so complicated. We all burn-out. All of us, as we age, lose energy, requiring, over time, that we grow more selective in the allocation of our decreasing energy reserves.
Accordingly, we might find ourselves, gradually, apportioning less of our energy to activities and behaviors that failed to tax us in our younger, indefatigable days.
And let’s not kid ourselves: The life of the exploiter is energy-draining. It may take a sociopath to chronically exploit others unconscionably, but it also takes a considerable toll of energy.
And so the sociopath, whose energy is as finite as yours, tires. As he moves past his prime, he finds that his shenanigans now come with a cost, a price, just as, at 40, or 50, you find that recovering from a bender isn’t as easy, as painless, as when you were 20, or 25.
Like the veteran Hollywood stunt man, the aging sociopath finds he can no longer pull off stunt after stunt without confronting an emerging reality: the satisfaction he gets from his outrageous stunts no longer necessarily (after all these years) supercedes the cost to himself, which grows bit by bit as he “ages” not out of his shallowness and lovelessness, but his energy.
The sociopath, in other words, hasn’t been humanized by age, merely depleted by age of the energy levels necessary to sustain his flagrant, sociopathic machinations.
And so, sadly, the aging sociopath will not, finally, come to love or genuinely respect you; he will not “evolve” a true, belated appreciation of everything you promised him that he foully besmirched in his previous immaturity.
Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.
(My use of “he” in this post and others is merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that males have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Thanks to TC for inspiring it.)
“Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.”
Darn you’re good Steve!
Seriously, this is so true. The sociopath I went no-contact with is living a parasitic lifestyle, feeding off his very sweet ex-wife and her daughters. The woman is one of the kindest, gentlest souls on the planet.
He’s abused her and her children numerous times, both physically and emotionally. He’s done awful things, but he almost behaves himself now, at least in her home. She lets him stay, in part because I don’t think she understands the harm he continues to do to her children and grandchildren.
He’s very devious, and really good at subtle forms of emotional abuse. He’s a tireless manipulator of perceptions and emotions.
Much of the drama in that household comes from him, and the shenanigans of one of her grandsons. Although very young and not related to the Sociopath by blood, the little boy is unusually toxic. The women in this family are all cut from the same cloth, and simply don’t understand when they’re being played.
The Sociopath is still very toxic, but he avoids inconvenient consequences like being booted out on his backside. Finding a new crash pad is too exhausting for him these days.
Boy am I glad I’m not one of his enablers any more.
Like I said, “Steve, you’re good!”
Steve,
A good vision to point this out, their “improvement” is simply on the OUTSIDE…
At 62 I have lost energy even for things I love to do that are more physically taxing, just lost my “umph!” A “great night” now is not going out, but staying home, feet up, with a good book or a DVD!
Steve,
He had often said he was growing tired of the pace he was at – felt he had already worked enough hours for anyone’s lifetime. He wanted to put a business together that he could “manage” without all the work involved in construction. And so he has accomplishged that – but I think he will grow tired of this new business eventually because it will put its own demands on him and become too routine . Every time he fulfills some dream he has – he seems to grow weary of it – motorcycles, a new job, homes and women . Anything or anyone that requires maintanance falls by the wayside.
He brought a friend up from So Carolina to manage his new business and get it off the ground. He does not like to be ALONE in anything he does. So this friend bought into the dream and took on the management job. Now, only a few months later – his job has been terminated. Why??? Because he made the mistake of leaving for a week to attend his daughter’s graduation and the “BOSS” decides he can do without him – can’t really afford to pay him. Longtime friend is on his way back to So Carolina – having fulfilled his short term part in the drama.
There seems to be no reflection on my husband’s side – he doesn’t see he brought this guy into a new project and letting him go will have an impact on his life and well being.
He doesn’t seem SORRY it turned out this way – maybe he has said the words to him – I don’t know – but I don’t think he feels it – anymore than laying off the guys from his construction business.
I see the same behaviors with me – he still expects accomodations, flexibility to HIS schedule . Frankly, he doesn’t even understand or want to deal with my anger for all he has done and CONTINUES to do.
So, Steve, you have tapped into my fear that this time – with HER – he will mellow and be more of his sweet side. That he will grow weary of his affairs and NEED to settle with the ONE woman he has sought for years. His cheating days will be over and he will be glad to have a good woman at his side.
And I will have missed the future – the one we were supposed to be building together. You see, he has gone on to build “OUR” dream business – but he has done it without me.
It has not been easy to sit back and hear everyone praise him for what he has accomplished – all the while unaware OR ignoring what he took from me and the kids to do it.
I believe what you say here – that his internal self will never change . I just have to remind myself all the time.
And then , proof comes along and gives me some feeling of release.
You know he is with the “woman of his dreams” as he says for the last year – but his latest records prove he is still searching – he’s on a new adult web-site for the past year also. So I guess he hasn’t run out of energy quite yet – and I want to believe he never will. I want to believe he’ll find no peace in someone elses arms.
Let me be blunt again. My X thinks his penis is his ticket to the world. When that peter’s out he will be in trouble because his face and personality aint that grand….
Dear Newlife,
They NEVER find what WE HAVE (the ability to feel love, and to give love) I think they KNOW we have SOMETHING that we enjoy and that gives us pleasure, but they DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS, and they keep going from person to person, new person to new person, looking for THAT SOMETHING and they never find it. At first the excitement of a new relationship makes them think they do, but IT NEVER LASTS and they get dissatisfied because it isn’t as good as they hoped it would be, it isn’t satisfying.
Sugar, you do NOT have to worry that he will be “truly happy” or truly “satisfied” because HE CAN NEVER BE. Sex for them is like two dogs coupling, it feels good while you are doing it but it is never EVER anything more than “animal sexual pleasure.” For US sex is “a bonding ritual between two people who (supposedly) love one another,” but NEVER for them, all they get is the PHYSICAL pleasure for a few minutes (on seconds) but never satisfaction.
What a WASTE they are!
Elizabeth, thanks for your feedback. Very much. Oxy, too.
NewLife, yes of course…you are onto the dynamic here. You are an expert yourself on this subject. He will never give anyone else, not from genuine depth, what he couldn’t give you. He may say he can, or is, or will, convincingly, and with contempt to rub it in….and he may believe it. But that doesn’t make it true, it doesn’t what’s impossible for him to give (from genuine depth) possible.
Steve
NewLife, I meant to say “…it doesn’t [make] what’s impossible, etc….] sorry for the typo.
Steve
My mom I thought had gotten better, but in the end, just after her funeral, I found a very vial note she had left for me and some monetary shocks. Was telling lies to the doctor on the last visit she had. I don’t feel anger much anymore, just incredible sadness for the impact her disorder had on her, my dad, the children, and their children. And a sense of wonder of how I managed to find her “twin” as my first boyfriend at age 15. Scary!
Thank you Steve, for your very timely post! It is as you say, unfortunately; they never change, and they never learn a bit! I am unfortunately witness to the aging but not maturing of my dad.
My father turns 80 next year, and my sister has even had him tested for dementia because of his strange habit of losing all the money my parents have been accumulating during their productive lives (my father was a very successful lawyer), and my mother rightfully fears poverty! He seems to do it deliberately, like gambling with it, as there is nothing “wrong” with his mental ability as far as you can test a charming witty old little sweet con man with tests for dementia in a memory clinic. He SEEMS mellow, but he is pure old strong condensed VINEGAR.
It is all his “Monopoly money”, and my mother had countless times to cover up his stupid and reckless decisions and bail him out of difficult situations that were right away illegal and would have brought my father into disgrace if not prison if found out, at 76, an age other people play Bridge or do gardening or Golf along.
He has not ceased to be dangerous, and we all are very wary about him. It is so sad to watch them and their downfalling.
I can’t help them besides coaching my mom to be strong not enabling him any longer. So long it seems to work, but my father deteriorates more and more, his two cars look like from “rent-a-wreck”, his clothing is awful, and he does not groom anymore (as he does not recieve any money from mom, and they have split accounts, due to his countless affairs and prior fiscal irregularities).
Yet he has at least two girlfriends we know of who do “things” for him. He calls them his “cheese breads”. The longer I write the angrier I get. I have to apologize for ranting!
New life, just wait, he will end miserably as he will be recognized by what he is in the end. Just a pathetic wannabe.
hi all,
haven’t been on LF in a very long time, but yesterday was my birthday — my first without the spath — and while doing well previously at NC for 10 months now, i just completely fell apart. crying, weeping, pity-partying for two days now. believing everything the bastard ever told me in the end — after 20+ years — including that no one else would ever want me. gained 40 lbs in these 10 months, look like crap, and am — i realize today — still full of self-doubt, self-loathing, and dead from the waist down.
meantime, spath-hole is playing house with his new gf and their new baby, and still with his wife and two kids as well. one big happy family, so i hear.
not sorry i threw him out nor that i haven’t spoken to him in 10 months. hate him, hope he dies a horrible, painful death.
yet, even though i barely give him a second thought most of the time, here i am crying buckets over how played i got, how insanely cruel he could be to me after so many years of my loyalty and love, and how i am still not okay.
steve, your post was perfect, and exactly what i needed to read. i have terrible fantasies that he is delightfully happy now, and his wife and gf are being loved by him, all the kids growing up peacefully together. thinking that he is so happily rid of me, and being so loving and doting toward them. i dunno. it’s all so sick.
last year on my birthday, he was already deceiving me and she was already pregnant. he promised to be with me (‘i’d never diss you on your birthday!’) then made me wait three hours, coming over at 9 p.m. and telling me he was too tired to ‘be’ with me. it was the last holiday he would ruin … two months later he was tossed out when he finally confessed. so yesterday on my birthday, all the pain flooded back into my heart. it still hurts so bad. all i can think is ‘how COULD he!’ i’m furious, hateful. he told me that his new gf would be ‘the last’ because he wants to ‘really settle down this time.’
but your words were healing anyway, steve. somehow, the thoughts that he is loving her (either one) the way i always wanted him to love me (and thought he did) … deeply, authentically, with good will and loyalty … is the hardest thing for me to get past in all of this. i was shit. they are great. he made the right choice, and is happily rid of me regardless of the huge place i held in his life for so long.
but reading that ”he hasn’t been humanized by age” is strangely comforting. i want him to stay sick. if not, it means that i truly am worthless. that he was cruel to me because i deserved it somehow.
tomorrow i will feel better. there are no more ruined holidays to remember. perhaps i am free.