Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.)
What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief’s mentality.
“Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath’s “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath’s “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, finally, a more mature grasp of his priorities; of his having learned, perhaps at long last, finally to appreciate and value his blessings (including you).
Don’t be deceived. The aging sociopath’s “mellowing” will have nothing to do with a maturation, genuine repentance or self-discovery process. In the end, it will be about “burnout,” and nothing more.
And “burnout” really isn’t so complicated. We all burn-out. All of us, as we age, lose energy, requiring, over time, that we grow more selective in the allocation of our decreasing energy reserves.
Accordingly, we might find ourselves, gradually, apportioning less of our energy to activities and behaviors that failed to tax us in our younger, indefatigable days.
And let’s not kid ourselves: The life of the exploiter is energy-draining. It may take a sociopath to chronically exploit others unconscionably, but it also takes a considerable toll of energy.
And so the sociopath, whose energy is as finite as yours, tires. As he moves past his prime, he finds that his shenanigans now come with a cost, a price, just as, at 40, or 50, you find that recovering from a bender isn’t as easy, as painless, as when you were 20, or 25.
Like the veteran Hollywood stunt man, the aging sociopath finds he can no longer pull off stunt after stunt without confronting an emerging reality: the satisfaction he gets from his outrageous stunts no longer necessarily (after all these years) supercedes the cost to himself, which grows bit by bit as he “ages” not out of his shallowness and lovelessness, but his energy.
The sociopath, in other words, hasn’t been humanized by age, merely depleted by age of the energy levels necessary to sustain his flagrant, sociopathic machinations.
And so, sadly, the aging sociopath will not, finally, come to love or genuinely respect you; he will not “evolve” a true, belated appreciation of everything you promised him that he foully besmirched in his previous immaturity.
Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.
(My use of “he” in this post and others is merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that males have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Thanks to TC for inspiring it.)
LouiseRosen wrote, “…but at seventy +, he was as much a con man as any I’ve read about. Wine may mellow with age, but it’s my feeling that older sociopaths have honed and sharpened their abilities and although they may have slowed down physically, they are still capable of lots of damage.”
I will look up your story later but I am so relieved to hear that others know that “70+” disordered people do not mellow with age. Mine sure didn’t — and I had known him since I was 19. (Now am 72.)
In fact, when I escaped from him when he was 66, I learned even more how disordered and sick he was during the long drawn-out divorce and settlement. Each time a perjured affidavit, data regarding hidden assets, etc., came through I KNEW beyond any shadow of a doubt that he was more DANGEROUS than I had even thought previously.
Most of the posters here are at least 20 to 30 years younger than I am. I can only warn them seriously to check out (preferably from past EX’s) any new relationship with an older man. Please, for your own sakes, avoid jumping into the fire from a frying pan.
And a PS — if anyone is currently involved with a person exhibiting “red flags,” please question every “promise.” By the end, mine had broken every promise, even negotiated ones, that he ever made — including those during dating. Never even once, an “I’m sorry.”
Ending sentence s/b: Never even once, an “I’m sorry.”
Welcome ANewLily and thank you so much for your posting. Insomuch of the time span over your relationship with you ex husband (?) sheds more light on this subject and once again thank you so much for sharing with us 🙂
“Never even once, an “I’m sorry.”
ANewLily, This I can relate too for me as well never and please allow me to repeat in 17 years with her did I ever hear that word “sorry” from her lips and may I also add that my children too never heard this statement from her “I am Sorry”. NEVER!
Inconceivable you say? Ditto for I too didn’t realize this until after our relationship ended. Only at one time did I hear her “get close” to saying the “sorry” word and that was when she requested of me to give her another chance after we broke up during the “honeymoon” stage. OMG! If I only knew half of what I know now my answer would have been different and I would have ran through that door and not walked to it! But one statement I do remember telling her time and time again was “There is always someone to blame isn’t there D?”…
NewLily, Thanks for posting. It shows that they never change, and that it is never too late for a life altering change and choice to be without them. I wish you well on your journey. I imagine it helped to know the kids were stable and grown, but it must be hard for you at times to have a major part of your life gone. I’m guessing you will be full of wisdom and good advice for those of us still struggling. I look forward to your posts.
James, I agree that sorry is a foreign work for them. Mine could say it but never with sincerity and not at all when the situation most called for it to be said.
Joy, thanks for responding and your sincere understanding. Yes, being without my adult children in my life has been almost worse than the years of physical, mental, emotional psychological controlling abuse — and the lies.
I’ll write more later on my painful difficulties with the smear campaign that EM (Evil Monster), actually Parental Alienation, waged against me after I escaped. The good news is that I got one of them back (via online communication) about a year ago. All live within 5 miles of him. I was hospitalized the whole month of March (here 1800 miles away) and she called me every day all month! Joy, I felt JOY!
BUT, Joy, I mainly want to tell you that I followed your story and your advice from Matt before the court case that you WON. How I rejoiced with you — and you didn’t even know I existed.
I still grieve with you about the step-daughter — that you are not to have contact with her. But, I agree with other posters who reminded you that when she is of age she herself will find you. I believe that.
The situations were totally different but I had lost contact with two foster daughters who lived with us the year when they were 16 — and I was in my late twenties. One “found” me when I was 40 and the other one on my 50th birthday. Both live many states away (but not near EM) and have created wonderful lives for themselves. One is already a grandmother! Both say I saved their lives with my prayers and value system they learned from me. More JOY amidst suffering.
Joy, that will happen to you, too.
New Lily, Thank so much for your kind words. Sorry it took so long to answer this. I sometimes forget where all I post. I will keep hope and prayers alive in my heart for her. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I recently communicated with a high school history teacher that I had for a single year. He reached out to me when I was living in the youth shelter and struggling with the choices that I wanted to make. He was very responsible for keeping me in school and just an amazing person who cared for his students. I found him via a facebook high school site, and I got the chance to tell him my story and hear his response so I do believe that we impact people in profound ways and never really know it. Like on this site, people are reading, learning, reacting, and healing and we never know they are thinking of us, feeling what we feel, or benefiting in any way unless they post and let us know. I can’t tell you how much I imagined the Lovefraud family with me as I was sitting in that court room. It was a joke that started between me and Learned thelesson about that Verizon network commercial, but it is how I felt that day. And without me knowing you were present as well:)! Welcome to the family. Around this site, “We got People!” and that’s a very good thing in a world that gets more screwed up everyday. Thanks again.
very true Steve – I kept hoping for a long time he would age out of his problems but not so far!
Hmm, my 80 year old N father shows no sign of ever going. he’s frail, pathetic and a child; he’s still manipulative (pretends he has dementia, when he’s deaf) to gain any form of attention. He’ll abuse on his death bed. Decaeds hearing ‘push me down the stais, outlier, stick a knife through me, should I commit suicide, I should just go and kill myself etc); when he is in “pain” (often acted) he doesnt want to die etc. He’s still strong and uses dementia as a weapon (to gain attention, sympathy).
The DSM psychiatrist is in her 60s, still reeks of that toxic energy. She struck bigtime when I reported her antisocial behaviour. I take pleasure knowing everyone rjected her when her husband died (I know that sounds so bad, I’ve typed this before). but this is a sociopath who destroyed the unit in my family as soon as she moved here) We were strong bonded and had a family home. All that is shattered. How she must have enjoyed watching my family disintegrate when she has none of her own. But she’s still a cancer, very addicted to cigs and uses my DSM sister too much. My DSM sister wasn’t that toxic before the psychiatrist taught her a few lessons in DSMing!
That being said; I can put into perspective his disorder from the way he describes his childhood. He’s frank about what happened in his early life; this formed his personality. His mother (who dies in his infancy) has tormented him his entire life. The poor man won’t find peace unless he was back in his mother’s arms. He tried to find a replacement mother in his wife, 2 out of 3 daughters. The one that got away is my DSM sister.
[i’m clearly venting here, sorry]