Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.)
What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief’s mentality.
“Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath’s “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath’s “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, finally, a more mature grasp of his priorities; of his having learned, perhaps at long last, finally to appreciate and value his blessings (including you).
Don’t be deceived. The aging sociopath’s “mellowing” will have nothing to do with a maturation, genuine repentance or self-discovery process. In the end, it will be about “burnout,” and nothing more.
And “burnout” really isn’t so complicated. We all burn-out. All of us, as we age, lose energy, requiring, over time, that we grow more selective in the allocation of our decreasing energy reserves.
Accordingly, we might find ourselves, gradually, apportioning less of our energy to activities and behaviors that failed to tax us in our younger, indefatigable days.
And let’s not kid ourselves: The life of the exploiter is energy-draining. It may take a sociopath to chronically exploit others unconscionably, but it also takes a considerable toll of energy.
And so the sociopath, whose energy is as finite as yours, tires. As he moves past his prime, he finds that his shenanigans now come with a cost, a price, just as, at 40, or 50, you find that recovering from a bender isn’t as easy, as painless, as when you were 20, or 25.
Like the veteran Hollywood stunt man, the aging sociopath finds he can no longer pull off stunt after stunt without confronting an emerging reality: the satisfaction he gets from his outrageous stunts no longer necessarily (after all these years) supercedes the cost to himself, which grows bit by bit as he “ages” not out of his shallowness and lovelessness, but his energy.
The sociopath, in other words, hasn’t been humanized by age, merely depleted by age of the energy levels necessary to sustain his flagrant, sociopathic machinations.
And so, sadly, the aging sociopath will not, finally, come to love or genuinely respect you; he will not “evolve” a true, belated appreciation of everything you promised him that he foully besmirched in his previous immaturity.
Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.
(My use of “he” in this post and others is merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that males have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Thanks to TC for inspiring it.)
Amen Rosa to both your comments! Maybe God does have a sense of humor about them and takes away a few toys for their pleasure chest. LOL!
I would even go out on a limb and say that S’s are arrogant about their own looks and critical of everyone else’s when they are in their “prime” and their con games are all going as planned.
Right on Joy. I am sensing a little nugget of “justice”, after all.
MATT
Matt,
You are back!!! Missed you posting.
Hope you are OK !!!
Steve Becker/
New Life
Steve Becker said
“You are an expert yourself on this subject. He will never give anyone else, not from genuine depth, what he couldn’t give you. He may say he can, or is, or will, convincingly, and with contempt to rub it in”.and he may believe it. But that doesn’t make it true, it doesn’t make what’s impossible for him to give (from genuine depth) possible”
Its been almost a year for me now, since I was told that he “was not in love with me” and I was also told that he found a new person who he “loves”. I wish I could truly believe that he did (or will do) the same with her. Although tempted (I know who she is), I have not contacted her to ask what is going on/ or to warn her. Partly, I think, because I still believe that he really meant that he dumped me because he didn’t love me and really loves her- as you say they can be very convincing. It was months after he told me that stuff before someone clued me in on the liklihood that he is a sp and I started reading books and this blog. Even though he fits almost every description of an sp I have read, it is still so hard to believe that this person who was so so nice to me for 18 mos was lying all along.
I think this week is especially hard for me because it is the one year anniversary of an awesome (at least for me) weekend trip we took to Cleveland last June. We went to a car show that he goes to every year and he led me to believe this would be an annual event for us. But- he was already chasing this new woman when we went on the trip and dumped me six weeks later.
So all that to say, Newlife, that I know exactly how you feel.
Hi All,
Steve: thank-you for this article! I felt so happy when I read it because for me it was a reminder of how I have CHOICES. I don’t have to, like the PD’d, run myself into the existential ground by my self-defeating, automated behaviors.
I possess the possibility of deep wisdom, health, fierceness, growing courage, acceptance, and actualization– with light shining– comfortable in my own skin.
I work with a (mostly) aging (and dying) population. So many of them amaze me with their grace and acceptance and good humor. I also run into the PD’d at the end of their days. Most are alone, with guardians–because family has had enough of them. Many are ‘demented’, with family telling me they always did live in their own private world, with zero consideration for others.
For s/n/p’s it looks like there is going to be no light, no sinking into the grace that can come with experience. No connections that deepen over time. No love. Just profound isolation.
That seems fair to me.
Thanks, slimone! I agree with your own insights. Very well put!
Steve
Blindsided31,
I understand the difficult days and memories. It’s been a year also for me since he left. Today has been difficult – maybe because of the rain, or it’s Friday night or the steriods I have to take for poison ivy. Or because I had to swallow my pride and ask to borrow a vehicle so my car could get some repairs done and I need to go to work and transport my kids.
I am sorry you lost 18 months – mine lied probably for most of the 22 years we were together . And the more we get further into the divorce, the more I find out how he lied and cheated and just how disturbed he is. Lies about money, debt, investments, loans, women , paying their bills – it goes on and on. As much as it sucks I sure can’t make any excuses for the hurt little boy anymore.
I excused so much over the years because I was afraid of failng, of losing my family – the dream. But now it may cost me even more because I have fewer years left to work and recover and my kids are still young.
He has engineered it all so I may wind up paying financially also. I have to remind myself every day this is REALITY and I am not going to wake up from a nightmare. What’s gone is gone – but he sure enjoyed himself long the way.
newlife08:
“I have to remind myself every day that this is REALITY and I am not going to wake up from a nightmare.”
I think there’s a lot of truth and strength in that statement. I won’t compare my situation to yours because you were in it a lot longer than me and you have a lot of other considerations. But, the one thing I can pass along to you is this: once all the dust and craziness is settled and you have an exact handle on your finances and living situation, life does get easier.
In my experience, it is the unknown and the uncertainty that is the worst part. You’re still in the phase of what I call “curling up in a ball, covering your ears and waiting for the rest of the ceiling to come crashing down.” Been there and done that. However, once the last of the plaster falls, I can tell you from personal experience, that you will be able to look at the facts in front of you and begin to construct a new life. From what I know of you, you’re a resilient woman. And something tells me that once you have the facts in place and the craziness concluded you will be able to do just that.
Unlike our Ss, we are resilient. Somehow or other we have always managed to do what needs to be done. Hell, you’re doing it right now getting rid of your S. I’m doing it right now dealing with unemployment, the aftermath of the S, and the illness of a N parent. Once you see where things shake out with your S in the settlement you’ll be able to figure out what you have to do to protect and provide for yourself and your kids. And hell, if your S is determined to try to burn you, you’ll just take a flame-thrower to him and turn him into the IRS.
newlife08:
“I can’t make any excuses for the hurt little boy anymore.”
That statement I could also relate to big-time. When I learned S had been released from prison just 3 weeks before I met, I vowed I was going to help him rebuild his life.
What I saw by the time that I drove him off, he had no interest in rebuilding his life or, what would have been a vast improvement in his case, was BUILDING a life. I knocked myself out trying to solve his legal morass and his financial morass and his psychological morass. It wasn’t until the end that a friend of mine pointed out that while I was knocking myself out, he was going along blithely and not lifting a finger to better his situation or help himself.
I heard endless variations on the “my father was a monster” theme. At the end I realized that hurt little boy or no hurt little boy, we ultimately have to suck it up and start acting like adults. He didn’t see that. And now that I’m not there to play daddy or whomever, he’s going to have to do just that.
Thing is, he won’t. When I was driving back to the city with one of my siblings last night he made the comment that he expected S to be back in the criminal justice system soon. I asked him what he meant. He said “he is probably robbing his boss blind. And when his boss figures it out, he will go after him in a huge way. And this time he is going to serve real hard time.”
Since this sibling had never said anything like this before I asked him where this was coming from. He said “everybody saw what you were doing for that ungrateful piece of crap. Everybody saw that he was on drugs. Everybody figured out that once you woke up and walked out, he’d rapidly go downhill. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that his best source of riches would be his employer.”
Made me feel a bit stupid everybody saw it except me. However, I’ve also come to realize that if I want a hurt little boy in my life, I’ll adopt an orphan. I don’t ever again want an adult who plays that card. Because end of the day, that hurt little boy will never be there for me when I inevitably end up a hurt adult because of some curve ball life throws me.