Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.)
What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief’s mentality.
“Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath’s “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath’s “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, finally, a more mature grasp of his priorities; of his having learned, perhaps at long last, finally to appreciate and value his blessings (including you).
Don’t be deceived. The aging sociopath’s “mellowing” will have nothing to do with a maturation, genuine repentance or self-discovery process. In the end, it will be about “burnout,” and nothing more.
And “burnout” really isn’t so complicated. We all burn-out. All of us, as we age, lose energy, requiring, over time, that we grow more selective in the allocation of our decreasing energy reserves.
Accordingly, we might find ourselves, gradually, apportioning less of our energy to activities and behaviors that failed to tax us in our younger, indefatigable days.
And let’s not kid ourselves: The life of the exploiter is energy-draining. It may take a sociopath to chronically exploit others unconscionably, but it also takes a considerable toll of energy.
And so the sociopath, whose energy is as finite as yours, tires. As he moves past his prime, he finds that his shenanigans now come with a cost, a price, just as, at 40, or 50, you find that recovering from a bender isn’t as easy, as painless, as when you were 20, or 25.
Like the veteran Hollywood stunt man, the aging sociopath finds he can no longer pull off stunt after stunt without confronting an emerging reality: the satisfaction he gets from his outrageous stunts no longer necessarily (after all these years) supercedes the cost to himself, which grows bit by bit as he “ages” not out of his shallowness and lovelessness, but his energy.
The sociopath, in other words, hasn’t been humanized by age, merely depleted by age of the energy levels necessary to sustain his flagrant, sociopathic machinations.
And so, sadly, the aging sociopath will not, finally, come to love or genuinely respect you; he will not “evolve” a true, belated appreciation of everything you promised him that he foully besmirched in his previous immaturity.
Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.
(My use of “he” in this post and others is merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that males have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Thanks to TC for inspiring it.)
MATT
So glad to see you back. I get from your post you were away with parents. I give you credit – I had to care for my mother after my dad died in 2001. My two sisters were done with her. I almost let her give me a nervous breakdown trying to please her. It took me 4 years of it to stand up to her and let her start doing things for herself. My dad was a good man but he enabled her out of his own inability to cope with her madness.
She is now 82 and does more for herself now than ever in her life. But she is still all about her – no motherly care to be found in her. And I do feel bad she gets lonely – but she is not nice to be around. My kids spent 2 summers following me from hospital to rehabs – of course husband was nowhere to be found – but it still wasn’t enough. If I missed a weekend and took the kids to the beach she pitched a fit.
SO- bless you for your caring – I don’t know how rough your childhood was but I think mine set me up for my tolerance of my husbands ways. I was used to trying to prove myself worthy of being loved. I NEVER gave a thought to making the other person prove themself worthy of me.
THANK YOU , STEVE
MATT,
Not sure why I keep losing half a post!!!!
I was saying THANK YOU STEVE FOR THAT LITTLE NUGGET OF REVEALTION!!!!!
I then started to rant but it must have been Divine intervention that I lost it and you don’t have to deal with it…
So tell me how you have been – you sure were missed….
newlife08:
I think I have had about 6 hours of sleep since I insisted my mother go to the hospital last Friday night. I am so over tired that I can’t sleep. Even ambien isn’t working. I ran back to NYC one night because I had to take care of some business, but I have been back at my parents almost 24/7. My mother survived the surgery and is doing far better than I expected, although there is some post-anesthetic loopiness. Nonetheless, the surgery was major and there is going to be a steep recovery period.
I am engaging in a delicate balancing act. I grew up with a malignant N mother and S father. I am trying to do what I can for them while still protecting myself. My biggest headache is the conman brother who is basically still trying to dump all his problems (ie kids, etc ) in my and my parents’s laps so he can go off and do whatever the hell he wants. At the moment I am trying to get visiting nurses and housekeepers in place because I have to get back to NYC and get back to the job search. But, I see myself running back and forth for at least the next month.
I was thinking about your situation a bit today while I was sitting in the ICU waiting room. You had mentioned that he is trying to saddle you with debt. My gut is telling me that he could be running into financial trouble with the restaurant. Maybe to push him into a settlement faster you need to UP your demands — in this case go for what hurts — tell him you want an interest in the restaurant. Not that you do, but since that seems to be what he prizes more than anything, if you threaten it, that may get him to sing off on the settlement faster. Just a thought.
Gosh, MATT,
I am so very honored that your thoughts would lead to me while dealing with your own situation.
You must have ESP – he had brought up a friend of his from Carolina to manage the place for him. As I predicted – it didn’t last 2 months and friend is headed back home/ Seems there wasn’t enough money to pay the guy.
While you were away there we were granted a temp ORder to Show Cause because he was trying to sell the shore house/
He is stopped for now fron selling off anything. Collection agency called here looking for him – one out of Toronto and they were quite nasty.
So now HE has to be in the place daily and close at night. I don’t see that lasting very long. He CANNOT stay in one place, CANNOT stand to be confined and surely will have less time for the girlfriend and internet.
He has missed visitations already.
You know, MAtt, this is a difficult time of uncertainty. I have many doubts about my abilitiy to withstand the upcoming financial woes, the doubts of did I love the right way , the times I acted angry and withdrew due to his behaviors , the times I refused sex because I felt that was all he needed from me-not my companionship or opinions or needs .
Then I got more financial records this week and of course I have to research what I know to be illegitimate business expenses. And I come across a new sex web-site he is charging – even while he professes his love for the skank next door. I looked up the sight and saw some complaints about their billing procedures which gave me doubts as to whether they were legitamate charges or not. Crazymaking of my own doing – I know.
But given his history I need to believe this is who he is and will never be any different with anyone – no matter how he makes things LOOK!!!
Thanks, again to STEVE!!!
And yes –
I have made a few noises about making a claim to the B-B-que and it does seem to make him nervous.
This is really dragging on and on and on…..
MAtt,
I meant to end by wishing you a peaceful sleep and rest.
Benadryl always helped my dad sleep. Tylenol pm or Sleeptime works for me. And sometimes just a sincere , simple prayer for comfort and sleep works too.
Sweet dreams for you and Bless you for being the one who takes care of those who couldn’t care for us.
Good luck Matt. Remember the emotional insulation. I think that is from Betrayal Bond? Anyway, even when my mom was old and sick and had just a few weeks to live, she was still being a malignant N. It was pretty awful actually, and the more time that passes, the more I realize.
BUT , picturing myself protected by emotional insulation worked. I got through it all, I’m very sorry she is gone, but at the same time, a weight is gone.
Matt,
I don’t know what to say exactly. I get so moved by so much I read here at LF, and it is impossible to ‘speak’ to everyone. But helping sick/’sick’ aging parents is so taxing. So…. I want to send you a big (((HUG))) and wish you some rest, lots of water, some yummy snacks, and to remember to protect that sweet heart of yours.
Matt: It sure is tough having to take care of someone else, and when it happens overnight it is very stressful, sounds like you are doing a great job, my prayers are with you and your family. I am glad your mother is doing better!
hi ox, joy, matt and all y’all …
thanks for your words of wisdom and support. always plenty of them here on LF.
i’m fine. just a bad couple of days. they pop up now and then.
sometimes, i’m just still gobsmacked when i realize all he took from me. i was bankrupt, sick, shrunk down to nothing … almost dead by the time i realized he had some new gf pregnant!
the healing has been slow. emotionally i’m much better, but physically, i’m still not well. when we got back together 6 years ago, i was so strong, spirited and successful. it seems like 100 years ago. the ‘draining’ that they do is incredible. leeches, ticks, vampire bats.
every time steve posts, my jaw drops all over again.
sadly, i have directed three women to LF since i found it. there are a LOT of sociopaths out there. i think this society breeds them. as a high school teacher, i see the signs in several of my students. they tease and bully, hold court and walk around all pumped up, smooth talk girls and flash money — without a shred of remorse or responsibility. eerie.
joy, my prayers are with you. everything will turn out as it will and ultimately, you will be okay. whatever the outcome … hold your head up!
love to all …
Dear Newlife et all, Hang in there!! Yes it takes forever, but the option is to let them get away with even more. To not stand up.
I have also been devastated financially, after 27 yrs. with the P, self employed for most of those years, no prospects, no security, just the mess he left behind and trying to figure out what to do with my memories.
But it is soooooo much better now.
At the scariest times I really found the power of NOW was the most soothing thing. I have still been blessed to have stayed on the farm during this time, and the beautiful skies, the bird song, the open gentle landscape, all these things soothed me, when I made the effort to take them in. I just kept saying, one thing at a time. First you go after him, worry about the rest later. I will not crawl off into a hole and die. That would please him to damn much.
Anyhow, last week, the most truly amazing freinds ( I am calling them my fairy godparents) went out and bought a house for me to live in. Rent with an option. Can’t pay till later don’t worry. We believe in you….
The next day I got a call for a job – after over a year of looking and all of two interviews.
Next week I go to court.
They say it comes in threes, right?
What I am getting at is I had to abandon looking at and evaluating the quality of my future, because I just couldn’t see where it was going. I have lots of plans for what I want to do with my life, but not the how. And then Bingo. I am still pinching myself. And you know what my freinds said? “What goes around comes around, and sometimes good things do happen to good people”. If I dropped dead tommorrow, I would die happy,having had the warmth of that kind of freindship, and the love and support of my kids.
As time wears on more and more people dear to me are seeing and understanding, and lining up to watch my back. It is so affirming. In the beginning, it was shock, and how could she leave such a nice guy, break up her family like that etc.
I hope your ordeal is soon over and that you are able to get some justice. If you haven’t read the Power of Now I highly recommend it. Other than learning about the SPN’s, through LF and the books we all know, that book has been the most helpful to me in the healing journey, and really helped me “live” this last year, not just worry and despair.
And Matt, you were so missed. Did you see everybody looking for you?
I find it interesting that you say your father was an S. Quite a number of us seem to have close encounters in our childhoods with these creatures. If we come from such dysfunction and as children try to be lovable and try to please, try to act in a way to secure our safety and well being in face of disordered parents, no wonder, as adults, we think we can pull off saving “that lost little boy”.
My X after ONLY talking about how perfect and normal his youth was ( other than OTHER bad folks he kind of caught up with )- well at the very end he tried that lost little kid, had to play on the streets kind of BS in a very tiny little boy voice, next he tried his beloved sister is dying (with real crocodile tears-) next he tried (tears, on cue) how he had to be educated by a freind that what he had done was not okay, blah blah blah. They will leave no stone unturned.
Martha Stout is very clear on this, and Dr. Hare agrees, inevitably their lives spiral downward, whether quickly or in an agonizing death spiral. They have no integrity- they are not whole- so eventually they fall apart.
The most incredible double rainbow appeared over my house on the eve of my freinds looking at the new house they got for me.
It has been nothing but good since then, and I am told I look 10 years younger. I sure feel it.
Time is on your side – NewLife, hope you can savor the best of the Now and that you get to see him twist in the wind.
Peace
PS. The other reason I look younger is my favorite beauty secret which I will share with y’all. Prep. H under the bags under your eyes. Works great! LOL