Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.)
What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief’s mentality.
“Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath’s “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath’s “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, finally, a more mature grasp of his priorities; of his having learned, perhaps at long last, finally to appreciate and value his blessings (including you).
Don’t be deceived. The aging sociopath’s “mellowing” will have nothing to do with a maturation, genuine repentance or self-discovery process. In the end, it will be about “burnout,” and nothing more.
And “burnout” really isn’t so complicated. We all burn-out. All of us, as we age, lose energy, requiring, over time, that we grow more selective in the allocation of our decreasing energy reserves.
Accordingly, we might find ourselves, gradually, apportioning less of our energy to activities and behaviors that failed to tax us in our younger, indefatigable days.
And let’s not kid ourselves: The life of the exploiter is energy-draining. It may take a sociopath to chronically exploit others unconscionably, but it also takes a considerable toll of energy.
And so the sociopath, whose energy is as finite as yours, tires. As he moves past his prime, he finds that his shenanigans now come with a cost, a price, just as, at 40, or 50, you find that recovering from a bender isn’t as easy, as painless, as when you were 20, or 25.
Like the veteran Hollywood stunt man, the aging sociopath finds he can no longer pull off stunt after stunt without confronting an emerging reality: the satisfaction he gets from his outrageous stunts no longer necessarily (after all these years) supercedes the cost to himself, which grows bit by bit as he “ages” not out of his shallowness and lovelessness, but his energy.
The sociopath, in other words, hasn’t been humanized by age, merely depleted by age of the energy levels necessary to sustain his flagrant, sociopathic machinations.
And so, sadly, the aging sociopath will not, finally, come to love or genuinely respect you; he will not “evolve” a true, belated appreciation of everything you promised him that he foully besmirched in his previous immaturity.
Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.
(My use of “he” in this post and others is merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that males have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Thanks to TC for inspiring it.)
I don’t believe they “mellow.” Think of all the stories of nasty old child molesters who gather children to them by being “so nice.”
I met an aging, stupid one who started talking about his “ministry” in the first 2 minutes — by the time he’d talked for 15 minutes, he’d told me about being in gangs in New York, giving Bible studies to “the judge,” running a church in California, leeching off a nice couple in his trailer park who are 20 years younger than him (“She’s like a mother to me,” he said.), and he was starting in on complimenting me in an absurdly familiar way. An acquaintance had taken this guy in to house-sit for her for a few days, and now she needed to get him OUT! She said that within two hours he had proposed marriage to her.
I think they probably shift their fabrications to something that takes less energy, but I believe it’s a major mistake to think they are less dangerous.
Well, frankly after five years of TOTAL PTSD & MAXIMUM STRESS, I look in the mirror and see my grandmother’s wrinkled face….and at first it really made me sad and feel bad about myself, but you know, I’m at a point now that how I LOOK ON THE EXTERIOR is NOT IMPORTANT NOW!
It never was really really important, and actually only “became” very important after my husband died, but the stress and the illnesses have taken their toll on my external looks and I am sure to some extent on my over all health, but I am getting my physuical strength back, but not my looks. I thinkk the wrinkles will remain, but SO WHAT? If someone is “liking me” because i am “good looking” and that is what about me that attracts them, WTF? I wouldn’t want them anyway. Back in my “hey day” when I WAS a very beautiful young woman and really not even aware of it THEN, I DID attract these men who were attracted to me because of my looks and my figure, but I never had any good relationships out of that—
I’m no longer this “sexy young thing” but I would rather be what and WHO I am than look like I did then even!
Choose your friends and lovers for their PERSONALITY not looks, because in the end WE ALL END UP LOOKING LIKE YODA!
I remember when I had just gotten sick and released from hospital…..I looked in the mirror and so didn’t recognize myself. I looked green/grey, my hair was so thin, I was so thin…..I had lost so much weight in 3 weeks that I looked like a wet noodle. Literally!!!
My lovely 🙁 mother came as a manipulation from the S, the first words out of her mouth was, OMG, you have aged 20 years since I last saw you. (which was only 1.5 month prior) I still kept my sense of humor, and told her I thought the same of her!!! I will never forget those words.
I had my strokes by then and I was hunched over and noodley, having a hard time walking ‘normally’, and I hadn’t been diagnosed with the C by then. I looked like shit!!!
I had been seperated from the S for only 1 month….1 glorious month…..then BOOM….my body decided it was safe now to let all the stress from almost 30 years out……dang….it came out! Ooozzed out all corners!!!
Now that I am on my way……(AND BTW….just got another clean scan!) I still don’t look like ‘me’. But….I am ME! I am the new and improved ME!
I like my new grey hairs, I like my blotchy hormonal skin, I like my cholesteral yellowing on my eyelids, I like the fact my hair won’t hold a curl if my life depended on it, I like my fat!!!!
BECAUSE I AM ALIVE, I am a survivor, I am a valued member of society, I am helping others, I am caring, I am a great mother…..BUT I AM ALIVE!!!!
The difference between me and the S, as far as packaging goes…..He looks like shit too now….aged 30years in 18 months…..he’s fat, swollen, wirey grey hair, wrinkled orange skin……BUT HE IS UGLY, He hangs with UGLY, He does ugly, and he isn’t even alive!!! He takes from anyone, he lies to anyone, he manipulates anyone, he has lost everything that I would consider important and he will have to UP his game to continue to be ‘successful’ at his con, and he is just not emotionally capable.
He is only the writings of a story……a story that HE the S makes up……he will always be able to tell a big story…..but he will NEVER be able to produce or back up!!!
Yes….he will be back around……when he is sick and has no one……I know this……BUT…..I WILL TELL YOU……DON”T BOTHER……I will muster up enough gump to go against what I feel and spit on him…..just as he spit on me and the kids.
I will abandon him as he did me. His wife of almost 3 decades, the wonderful mother of his children…..as I had MAJOR , life threatening medical issues and he exploited me excessively, again and again and again and again……..
I have left him in my past. I have taken all the lessons I have learned and that is what I take into my future! I have earned all my grey hairs, yellowing skin and fat…..this will all improve as time passes……I will continue to improve as time passes……but I will NEVER offer him a thing…..ever again!
I am the most beautiful person in the world…..because I am ME!!!
Oh…..yeah….OXY….and my personality is the BOMB!!!!
(((BOINK))))
I am SOOOOOOO glad I am not a “sexy young thing ” anymore. And I am even MORE glad I am not a sexy old thing now! Look around at the exploitative men this image attracts! Its for men who want a “hand bag” to go out with or men who are in for the use!
Thank God those days are over!
Hey, Tilly, you “sexy young thing!” have you figured out the answer yet? It is a really really hard one, you know. What has 4 wings and flies? Why TWO BIRDS OF COURSE!!!! BOINK!
OXY!! I like ErinB’s answer better!
I am flying over there to have a “throw a psychopath on the barbie party.”
All meat will be fed to the dogs that have been abused by the p’s too.
We will charge 2 dollars each for a “psychopath sausage” and use the money to build a special home for psychopaths where the worst psychopaths are in charge. I reckon they would all be gone in two weeks.
No need to raise $$ for a home……my ex S will be happy to entertain anyone willing to listen to him, (he wouldnt’ have a clue his guests are p/s) he has conned so many wealthy people into living in their gazillion dollar estates and driving their fancy cars……he would charge each S money to stay with him (in others homes) and he would ensure they are told the BEST stories and eat the best food etc….
I’m sure all the S/p’s would flock for this offer…..they could feed off each other……OH, CAN YOU SEE IT!!!!!
Let’s save the raised funds for a sociopath survivors fund!!!!
YEAH! The Psychopath Foundation will only last two weeks because all the psychopaths will have devoured each other.
It would take five 200 pound hogs to devour a 200 pound man in 24 hours, so I am opening a “hog farm and vacation spa” for psychopaths. I’ll pick them up at the airport in an old detention center van I will buy at the county auction for used equipment to give them a SECURE ride to the spa.
Then the first order of business will be to go to pet the farm animals…..there is NO second order of business. We can fund it all by cashing in the second half of their plane tickets.
Another option would be to see if the French will sell us Devil’s island for a psychopath holding pen….
Oh, well, a little black gallows humor for a nice cool summer Sunday morning. Forgive me, Lord! I know vengence is yours, but sometimes I can’t help myself! LOL
newlife:
i don’t think we will ever look the same, nor do i think we will ever be the same, but i have to agree with erinb — ‘we’re alive.’
i look like jabba, but my soul is clean and i sleep at night knowing i’m a good, caring person. the ex-spath-hole took everything from me, especially my health. i’m still exhausted (always!) no matter how much i sleep, and i look like crap even 10 months later. but nothing could be worse than the confusion and grief caused by an s/p/n … nothing.
we will recover, and it is a challenge. know through it all, that our suffering has — in a way — brought us back to our true selves. we will be okay. we will live our lives in peace.
unfortunately, at 40, my ex still has every right to wear a speedo, and it infuriates me. but the ugly that he carries on the inside overshadows his entire being. the worse part is he can still wear his beauty as a lure for young women who can’t begin to understand what they’re in for. i wonder if i should warn the new one, but then i realize: this is about us. survivors. survivors of unbelievable inhumanity.
i was with mine for 22 years, too. i realize he lied every time his mouth was open. they are the lie. we are not. we win.
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!