Research has suggested that some sociopaths may experience something like “sociopathic burnout,” characterized by a reduction in their antisocial behavioral output as they move through middle and older age. (This is a type of decline in production to be glad for.)
What this does not mean is that sociopaths “outgrow” their sociopathic orientation, anymore than a career thief outgrows his thief’s mentality.
“Sociopathic burn-out,” let me stress, is not to be mistaken for something as chimerical (and unrealistic) as the sociopath’s “personal growth.” One might be tempted to regard the aging sociopath’s “mellowing” as a signal of his perhaps, finally, “growing up;” of his acquiring perhaps, finally, a more mature grasp of his priorities; of his having learned, perhaps at long last, finally to appreciate and value his blessings (including you).
Don’t be deceived. The aging sociopath’s “mellowing” will have nothing to do with a maturation, genuine repentance or self-discovery process. In the end, it will be about “burnout,” and nothing more.
And “burnout” really isn’t so complicated. We all burn-out. All of us, as we age, lose energy, requiring, over time, that we grow more selective in the allocation of our decreasing energy reserves.
Accordingly, we might find ourselves, gradually, apportioning less of our energy to activities and behaviors that failed to tax us in our younger, indefatigable days.
And let’s not kid ourselves: The life of the exploiter is energy-draining. It may take a sociopath to chronically exploit others unconscionably, but it also takes a considerable toll of energy.
And so the sociopath, whose energy is as finite as yours, tires. As he moves past his prime, he finds that his shenanigans now come with a cost, a price, just as, at 40, or 50, you find that recovering from a bender isn’t as easy, as painless, as when you were 20, or 25.
Like the veteran Hollywood stunt man, the aging sociopath finds he can no longer pull off stunt after stunt without confronting an emerging reality: the satisfaction he gets from his outrageous stunts no longer necessarily (after all these years) supercedes the cost to himself, which grows bit by bit as he “ages” not out of his shallowness and lovelessness, but his energy.
The sociopath, in other words, hasn’t been humanized by age, merely depleted by age of the energy levels necessary to sustain his flagrant, sociopathic machinations.
And so, sadly, the aging sociopath will not, finally, come to love or genuinely respect you; he will not “evolve” a true, belated appreciation of everything you promised him that he foully besmirched in his previous immaturity.
Rather, increasingly fatigued and/or dependent, he will only value, as always and now perhaps more than ever, the convenience (if he’s lucky) that your companionship affords him in his now “mellower,” but really just more tired, incarnation.
(My use of “he” in this post and others is merely a convenience, and not meant to suggest that males have a patent on sociopathy. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Thanks to TC for inspiring it.)
LIG,
There was awhile there when he first left that he looked like crap. My D nicknamed him CAVEMAN. But now he is back to his usual look when I do see him -which I try to avoid. He looks younger than his 51 years, is too, wide=shouldered and blue eyes. Not to die for but handsome. He used to often remark I didn’t look my age and he loved to hear it from otherts, too. But these days, as I said I mfeel older and look terrible. I used to glow thinking he loved me – felt like I had apretty good life – in spite of all we had been through.
Little did I know it was all a lie and would even get worse.
MAtt,
I got a letter from the lawyer. He says the judge will not give us anymore postponements to get the records we need. He will either dismiss the case or divorce us without a settlement in place. What does this mean?
Why can’t the NS be held liable for his part in this? Lawyer says we should try to get to arbitration for a settlement. He is afraid of the IRS tax conswquences to me in case they don’t grant me innocent spouse status.
NS cannot just sign over the new house because it has two liens against it that I would think have to be paid first -and there is no money. That’s why S wanted to list the shore house but we know we can’t trust that scheme.
Lawyer is also afraid as am I that he will claim bankruptcy on the CONST. business ans wants me out of that fire also.
I know you are so pressured with your folks righyt now but I thought I would try to reach out for you.
I feel like I ambeing rusged to make decisions and.
a lot of what has gone on is inconsequential at this point
HE has not paid me for camp, or any of this past years shared expenses, he is a week behind in support but continues to eat out, pay for sex websites and dine his G/F.
I feel like I amsinking again and getting overwhelmed.
If you have any time advice wisdom – I sure could use some.
You are in my prayers – just across the river!!!!
newlife08:
Dismissal means you start this whole mess over again.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, under any circumstances agree to getting a divorce without a settlement in place. What that means is the divorce decree would be issued and then you would spend the rest of your life chasing the jerk for any kind of settlement. And the odds are, he would drag you along until you got so fed up you would walk away with nothing. I speak from personal experience as somebody who went down this path. I fought it out with my ex for 3 years after the decree was signed to get her to sign the QDROs. I was just about driven into bankruptcy.
The judge could hold your husband in contempt of court for not following the court’s orders — that is what finally happened with my ex — the judge got so fed up with her antics that she threatened to hold her in contempt unless she signed the QDROs then and there. The judge got so fed up she also made her write a check then and there to me to cover part of my legal fees.
REgarding arbitration, does your lawyer actually think you can get your husband to cooperate with an arbitrator’s decision? Or are you going to have to drag your husband back into court?
If the new house is that liened up, how about going back with a counter-offer? YOu will take the shore house and keep your existing house. He will pay for the existing house. You should be prepared for the fact that he may very well default on the mortgage, but maybe there’s some cross-collateral you can grab to give him the incentive to pay (ie the interest in the restaurant). I know you don’t like the house, but view it as something interim until you can figure out your next step.
Here’s my take. Try to get a settlement in place ASAP. YOu want to have anything that’s transferred to you in your name for a minimum of 6 months before he files because I’d be concerned about it being deemed a preference in bankruptcy and called back. So, if the shore house is an asset of the construction business, get it out of there as soon as you can.
Regarding his being behind on his support, I’d go into court with the evidence of what he is spending money on and ask the judge to hold him in contempt.
I’ll give this some more thought and touch base later.
Steve,
Very interesting article. As always.
Not to seem morbid but I wonder if the psychopaths who are sadistic killers sort of…”age out”? I really, seriously don’t think they do.
For example, there are countless news articles regarding P killers who are in their 70s, 80s and they don’t seem to be slowing down at all. They’ve been killers their entire lives and age doesn’t seem to stop them.
Many of these older (almost all men) P killers have spent decades behind bars and when they are released for whatever reason by the parole board, like clockwork, once a predator ALWAYS a predator….kill another innocent child/person.
I think it’s bullchit to release elderly serial killer offenders from prison due to maybe, good conduct history, over crowding, the myriad reasons for letting them out because they aren’t going to stop being evil murderers until they are themselves six feet under.
Matt,
Thanks again and again for the post. I imagine you are overwhelmed with your own family issues at this time -and trying to sleep, eat etc.
I meet Friday with the lawyer so it looks like your recommendation to get a proposal on the table ASAP is the best option. I can’t help but be angry and angrier – I feel in my gut he has pushed this to the limit trying to break me.
I just sense he has planned a lot of his strategy the whole way – only he might not have planned for me to be such an adversary. It’s hard for me to swallow that after all the damage he has done and all he has taken these last years – I may get a portion of what is left and have to accept what is gone is gone. That he used me, enjoyed it and doesn’t feel he owes me anything – no making up for what he took, spent, lost, etc, God help me = how have all these others here gone on and recovered -emotionally is hard enough -at least leave me what I worked for all these years, I don’t think he will be happy until he has beaten me down as much as possible.
newlife08:
I am sure he has planned this out the whole way and is counting on you to break. I was talking to one of my other siblings today about the conman sibling who has, to put it politely, washed his hands of all responsibility during my mother’s illness. The sibling I was talking too told me he had come across some of my parent’s bank and brokerage statements and told me that what the conman has siphoned up is staggering. He said to me “what do you think his master plan is?”
And it got me thinking. So often these creatures seem to operate in the moment. But, whether they’re a high caliber sociopath like Bernie Madoff who can pull off a brilliant con, or your average garden variety sociopath, I think they all have a master plan which translates into whatever I can take my victim for and screw them.
I went up to my roof garden tonight for a few minutes to regroup. And then I realized I was being visited by some ghosts. It was a year ago today that I threw a cocktail party for S. The staggering number of no-shows (his friends) should have been a clue to me how little he is regarded by others. But, I didn’t, much to my subsequent regret. As a matter of fact, I was angry at most of the no-shows and actually hurt for S. What a fool, huh?
I actually then pondered sending S a note. Then I snapped to and thought “why would you do that? He doesn’t give a damn about you. He played you right up to the end trying to strong arm 10 grand out of you. The only thing a note would do is make him think he has an opening and he’d be right back in there bleeding you again.”
To be honest, the only reason I can think of why I would want any contact with him is I’m feeling so exhausted and so beaten down by life at this moment. I think I need to get some sleep.
Matt,
You are far from a fool. You gave a party for someone you cared about and hurt for them to see them treated with disregard. Been there, too. Funny, no one ever said till now “He was always nuts ” or ” I never cared for him but I could never tell you that before this.”
I am sorry the ghosts were bothering you tonight – I imagine a roof garden would be kind of a sanctcuary. Not a place for ghosts – memories don’t go away , Matt, maybe fade but they remain reachable. Sometimes it would be nice if we could unplug. Sometimes I feel like the only one who could fix things for me is him – but we know better -don’t we. Why look to the one who caused all this pain to fix it??
Like you said – they don’t give a damn about us – but then they don’t /can’t care about anyone. Remember , it’s not personal, Matt.
Personal is what you give to us here – with nothing but friendship in return. Personal is what you are doing for your family with your sibling who also cares to do the right thing.
“God will never take you to a place His Grace will not get you through”
Sweet dreams, my friend, peace for your soul and heart from the other side of the river.
Aeylah- I think some of us THINK we could be around “our” P/S/N, but it think 99.9% of the time that is a big mistake. I had mine pretty much out of my life once, then thought I could handle seeing him again, and it was a huge mistake that sent me right back into a tailspin, only it was worse than before. Hope you have healed from “the emotions (that) are stiring havock again.”
A S can really disappear from our lives, in many cases. I think of the S I knew as brain damaged. I can feel pity yes, but thank god he is not my burden, I have more important ways to help the world than trying to give comfort to one who always causes pain where ever he goes. He is out of my life forever. If ever he dares intrude again, he will get the potted plant treatment that Oxy describes.
Matt – 3 years ago I planned a big birthday party for my X. I invited his friends that I had met at his place of work and his dart throwing friends that he talked about like they were next of kin. Nobody showed up, just me and few of my friends. Well he went inside and slept while I had his party – I felt so sorry for himand pissed at his ‘friends’… Then one thankgiving I suggested we go to his home town and visit his relatives – so he called and left messagses and no one called back – so he ruined my thankgiving and xmas for 3 three years…his mother told me on the phone early in the relationship that I did not want to get involved with her son because he was nothing but trouble – wish I had listened then – but it was pity that I felt for him that kept me hooked. then pity turned into fear – his birthday is in a few days. I hate it when I think how good I was too him and he treated me with such disrespect and ruined my health and credit and I bet he doesnt ever think of me unless it is in disgust. Oh I hate that I remember birthdates……..
all his friends and relatives knew what he was – and they knew I was his current victim – yep – kinda leaves me feeling like a fool…