I received this question from a woman who is divorcing a man she believes has the traits of a psychopath (according to the psychopathy checklist):
“What psychological tactics can you suggest in dealing with a psychopath? There must be some tools and strategies to stay a step ahead. I’ve read books on identifying liars and tried to educate myself on strengthening my position in recognizing The Predator. There has to be some guidelines somewhere on How to Ride That Horse. I have had hundreds of horses throughout my life and pride myself on being able to ride anyone that crosses my path. Although this horse has been the most difficult and I continue to be dragged, trampled and kicked, I continue to get back up, dust myself off and try again. I have learned much and he has been a great teacher…..but in the final stages of our divorce, he is throwing some wild curve balls and I’m desperately trying to stay in the saddle. I ride all my horses softly, gently…..Can you offer tools for the arsenal?”
Before answering this question I want to make some important comments. Many people have reasons for needing and desiring relationships with people who are very sociopathic/psychopathic (sociopaths). In my view, there are only two legitimate reasons for having interactions with someone you believe may be “a sociopath.” The first is that the person is your boss and you haven’t yet found another job, and the second is that there is a court order commanding you to. That the sociopath is charming, attractive, wealthy, your son, daughter, friend, lover, mother, father or some other relation, is not a good enough reason to risk yourself and others.
Whenever you interact with a sociopath, you not only risk yourself, you risk others. Sociopaths weave a web of deception that is supported by the many relationships they have. If people refuse to participate in the sociopath’s life he/she will be very limited in his/her ability to harm anyone. Sociopaths/psychopaths know how to surround themselves with people who give them legitimacy in the minds of others and who serve as “cover.” They will use anyone for this purpose, especially ministers, priests and rabbis, and of course, children.
If you desire to have a relationship with a known sociopath there is something wrong with you. That something can be ignorance of the disorder and its dangerousness. A sense of grandiose invincibility and a love of risk taking can also feed into this desire. If you are an adventurous risk-taker, take up blizzard mountain exploration or sky diving, but keep away from sociopaths. Many people write me with a tone of wonder, awe and admiration for sociopaths. Save your wonder, awe and admiration for the Grand Canyon, the pyramids of Egypt, or the true miracles of life, please. (Here I am referring also to the women who send love letters to known killers and serial killers.)
Those comments out of the way, how can you cope successfully with a sociopath/psychopath? First, remember that these people are Driven to Do Evil. Just like you wake up every day and feel your drives and desires, sociopaths/psychopaths wake up every morning and “It’s show time!” Whereas your goals are intimately related to the love and compassion you feel for others, a sociopath’s goals are intimately related to his/her desire to gain power over others. If you don’t understand this at the core of your being, you will not be able to deal with sociopaths. Second, imagine a moment what your life would be like if guilt, empathy and compassion did not enter into your decision making processes. Imagine that your decisions were based solely on your judgments regarding what would benefit you.
Now imagine both together, a Drive to Do Evil and no guilt, empathy or compassion. A sociopath is a sports car with an accelerator and no braking system. Now you can see why I say only an ignorant, crazy or suicidal person would voluntarily choose to ride this horse, or drive this car!
I have just armed you with the mental picture of the sociopath who you are compelled to deal with. To successfully cope, keep this picture in your mind at all times. Ignore any of the sociopath’s actual appearance or behavior. Keep all conversations brief and to the point. Set firm boundaries and never give an inch. Insist that you get everything due you, and that the sociopath abide by his/her end of any court orders, or job descriptions. Most importantly, STOP expecting that the sociopath will behave like anyone other than who he/she is. A sociopath is a person who is Driven to Do Evil and who lacks, guilt, empathy and compassion.
To make this point further, let us consider our friend’s analogy of the psychopath and our relations with him/her to the horse and horseback riding. Horses are domesticated animals. Domestication means they have been bred to have the capacity for submissive behavior and impulse control. These two (submissive behavior and impulse control) are supported by a very complicated biology that includes hormones and brain structure. The psychopath lacks both the brain structure and hormonal profile to behave submissively or even consistently cooperatively. The best horse analogy to the sociopath is the horse who dies in the process of being ridden because s/he lacks the substrate for domestication. This horse is not a challenge, s/he is a waste of time and energy.
So stick with the horses that have been beautifully trained to compete in the show ring, and who lovingly wait by the fence for you to appear. These horses enjoy cooperation and don’t mind having to submit occasionally. The untrainable horses are a complete waste of time. Surround yourself with people you know to be primarily motivated by love and compassion. To do otherwise, is a complete waste of time and energy.
That sums it up beautifully.
To add my own two cents worth, I have to deal with two sociopaths (the first was my naive mistake, the second was an outright fraud), and since I have children with both of these things (I am loathe to call them “people”), I have to maintain contact with them.
That said, minimal contact with a psychopath is absolutely necessary. Don’t go looking for answers, friendship, closure, mutual understanding, favours, etc. because as far as a psychopath is concerned, you’re prey, period. Asking anything (literally) of these creatures is like exposing your underbelly to them.
If you are simply dealing with court curveballs, remember that a psychopath doesn’t play by the rules and that judges, by vocation, choose a position somewhere in the middle between what you want and what your opponent wants. If your psychopath is wanting the moon and the stars (ie – a ridiculous portion of the property), then probably you should be asking for that, too, to balance it out, otherwise it will be disproportionally tilted in his favour. Judges seem to operate on the premise that both parties should be equally unhappy with his/her decision. Aim for what you think is fair and go several degrees above that to ensure you DO get what’s fair. (It’s worked beautifully for me so far.)
If you have kids with them (which would be the only reason to have continual contact with these things, other than a boss, unless you’re essentially unhealthy) then don’t ever expect a normal co-parenting relationship. You have to be the boss, take control and don’t ever, ever explain yourself to them or justify your actions. If they badmouth you to to world, stop caring. Follow court orders (as Dr. Leedom suggests) to the letter. Document EVERYTHING!! (And if you’re dealing with a bona fide psychopath, there will be plenty to document and it WILL become extremely important at some point in the not-so-far-off future).
If you want a court order changed, don’t bother trying to reason with a psychopath or come to an agreement on your own with him. It probably won’t happen and can, in fact, make things much, much worse (psychopaths love an opportunity to make a mess of things if it’s to their advantage – which means baiting you.) Just go straight to the courthouse. Trust me on this one. I’ve been there. (Twice.) Consider it the same sort of expense (and convenience) as car maintenance. I’m in love with my family court lawyer for the fact that he is the brick wall between me and these two idiots I have to deal with. I gladly accept the expense because it’s so much cheaper than dealing with the stress (and complications that psychopaths create) on my own. (Keep in mind I am a single mother to three children and I’m currently a student. Money is something I DON’T have but I wouldn’t give up my lawyer for ANYTHING).
Don’t expect that, if you do them a favour, you’ll have one down the road from them in return. Psychopaths don’t work that way.
Raise your children as if you are on your own because essentially you are. You are the only one who will be teaching your children the full scope of what it means to be “human.” If your psychopath has access to your children, expect them to be damaged. It’s inevitable. All you can do is provide balance and be there for them when they hurt. (For example, my middle child, Faith, was molested by her psychopathic father last year just before Christmas. I can do nothing about it except support her and give her the tools she needs to protect herself now and in the future. She’s only three years old. I thank God I There’s nothing I can do about it because unless I have a videotape and notarized confession from him, nothing she says matters. And she’s said a lot.)
Don’t ever, ever make the mistake of thinking these things have the best interests of their children at heart or even that they care a little bit for them. They don’t. They would as easily destroy their own children for their own needs and desires (and that may include destroying you, too) as they would order a latte.
So, to summarize, don’t apply the same human standards to psychopaths as you would with someone who is normal. These things are closer to insects (emotionally) than actual human beings. Not only will you be bitterly disappointed by your attempts to relate, but you’ll also (probably) be at a horrible disadvantage.
Lastly, if you have children, consider your family lawyer as invaluable as your mechanic. DON’T SCRIMP on this essential. The cost of hooking up with a psychopath is hiring an excellent lawyer on your behalf from now until forever. Get used to it otherwise you and your children will pay a much larger price. I’m resigned to living in this hell and this is probably the MOST valuable advice I could give.
Yes, we are forced to deal with him due to a court order. His other child has taught his younger sibling how to abuse their family dog. We can’t get anyone in the legal system to take a good look at this person (who is blatantly bizarre) and terminate his parental rights!! Originally the sociopath was just angry about paying child support. Now he is determined to torture the child’s mother and obviously intends to do this until the child is 18 by either being cruel to the child or by teaching the child narcissistic/sociopathic disorder treatment and passing it off as being normal. The child is not even 2 years old but she already knows how to scare dogs. The small child is a normal child in the family with custody’s home but there is no way to know what the child’s father is teaching the child to do!!
Another tatic is to watch for movement within their silence-the seemingly good behavior. That’s when they are thinking deeply about YOU and how to manipulate you into doing their will. The signs are subtle, but they’re there-always. Train your eye for the things unseen, hear the unspoken word, sharpen your instincts for the signs of the next movement before it begins. THINK. Have a plan of action, activate it immediately and never show a violation of your own boundaries. And know that as this interplay is going on-YOU are being watched, with intense scrutiny for any signs of weakness-a crack in your armor that they can ooze through. Stand tall, stand firm, don’t waver, don’t compromise. And quickly move on out of range.
In my recovery from a relationship with a sociopath, I’ve encountered a number of people who were either in a relationship, trying to extricate themselves or trying to manage one of these relationships (usually in a work environment).
The one rule we’ve found to be most useful is “when you’re dealing with a sociopath, be a sociopath.” That is, as Dr. Leedom said, turn off your compassion, understanding and guilt. Get clear about what you want to happen, and operate as cold-bloodedly as they do.
That means to view them as the enemy or the competitor for resources. Have no qualms about tactics you would ordinary consider unethical or destructive to relationships. Just put the full force of your intellect and will behind whatever your objective it, and do what needs to be done.
The main reason, in my mind, that you want as little contact as possible with these people is that is not good for you to have to behave this way. Basically, what you’re doing is unplugging everything that separates you from the sociopath. The justification for doing this is that you’re up against the wall, in a survival situation. But you are regressing your personality to a state of pure will, not moderated by social and community concerns.
I’ve done it. Virtually everyone I know who has been involved in these situation has done it, when they get their minds free of the brain cloud the sociopaths create in them. And it leaves all of us feeling icky, like we’ve been corrupted by the experience. It doesn’t leave us liking ourselves. And some of us, myself included, have gone through periods when we feel like we may be becoming sociopaths as a result of exposure to the sociopath.
But often there is no choice, especially if there are children involved or your own survival. You can’t rely on the “social contract” when dealing with these people, as Dr. Leedom pointed out. You have to become ruthless.
Ruthlessness is one of those words that needs rehabilitation. It’s not necessary a bad thing. Not when your children’s wellbeing is at stake. Nor your own, nor other people you care about.
As clever as sociopaths can be, they are ultimately like robots. Predictable in their intent, if not in their actions. Winning, power, and anything that makes them feel like they actually are something rather than a big black hole around which is wrapped a lot of phony identity.
Every situation is different, but in my experience, the best tactics against them are more power and threat of exposure. They view people in terms of having more power than them or less power. You may think that they have wrapped up all the power sources, but if you think about it in these terms, you may realize they haven’t. You may think they are invulnerable from exposure, but if you think about it, you may see an opening.
The ultimate objective is always to make them go away and stay away. To make you and whatever you care about too expensive to keep playing with. It’s not just a matter of stopping giving them what they want. It’s also making it unpleasant, costly and dangerous for them.
In my experience, sociopaths are not competitors. They don’t like to play games to see who wins. If there is any chance of them not winning, they go find another game. (After they’ve done everything they can think of to win.)
The first time I ever acted like a sociopath was when I got my sociopath out of my life, because I was sick, almost broke and at the edge of suicide. I broke deals I had with him. I made his life uncomfortable. I stopped money he was expecting. I made it impossible for him to maintain his “front.”
And then I watched him trying to change my mind. It was like watching one of the old ViewMasters I had as a child clicking through the different pictures. He acted pitiful, he acted seductive, he made promises, he got mutual friends to talk to me, he told me I was a bad person, he told me no one loved me and I was lucky to have him, and then on his way out the door he whined, “But you said you love me.”
I wanted him out of my life. Since then, I have done things I have never done before to make sure he stays out of my world and the world of anyone I care about. I made two mistakes. One was reaching out to his next victim to offer her support, if she wanted it. (She didn’t.) The other was to imagine I’d ever get back what he owed me.
There is only one thing to do with sociopaths — eliminate them from your life and your world. The best and easiest way to do this, if you you recognize them early enough, is simply to give them no attention and refuse to engage. If the sociopath is already entrenched in your life, do you have to do to get get rid of it.
One way or another, you’ll probably have to spend some time heading yourself. From the experience or from what you had to do end it. Being unfeeling is hard on you. But sometimes it’s necessary.
Redheeler, THAT IS A VERY IMPORTANT point; you said: “Another tactic is to watch for movement within their silence-the seemingly good behavior.”
And to the opening post:
I worked with horses for years. and even the most abused, the most wild, are trainable. If you are inclined to do so it is possible-but as Dr. Leedom states, they are NOT suitable for showing.
The mistake we make with these people are that they can be “trained”. They can’t. They are more like a wild animal that can NEVER be domesticated. Like a Raccoon, or a snake. I have worked with them, too, and they will turn on you, whenever they please.
Every time we get a calm in the storm, we mistakenly fuel up to love them more while taking it as a sign that we are making progress. As Redheeler said, there is STILL movement going on…watch for that!
WATCH FOR UNSEEN MOVEMENT and prepare for your defense. This is what you do while working with a wild animal. This is what you do when dealing with a perpetrator.
At least, that has been my experience.
One of the thing I noticed about my ex is that he is basically lazy, uses the method which causes him to expend the least energy. As a man quite abit younger than me, he had very little staying power in many aspects of the relationship and certainly hasnt got the tenacity and courage I have.
Also watch for when they drop their comments in – usually after a good time together when they are just about to leave and you are left pondering what they meant. My ex kept talking about ‘voices in his head’ and his ‘demons’ and not having come across this behaviour before I thought it strange. I put my ex in the spotlight a number of times and he carried his ‘honest look’ and body language off to a point which looked convincing but didnt feel convincing.
Red Flags, gut instincts, moments of silence are all good. Test them out as well, I used to test my ex out by asking him to meet me for things I had arranged – needless to say he always turned me down and if I initiated sex he turned me down. If he initiated sex, he said I had initiated it – and I used to say to him that he must have double vision because I was as clear as anything about who did what. He just wanted to be in complete control.
I used to test him by asking him the same questions in a different way weeks or months apart and then remembering his answers to see if they were the same. They cant be that clever all the time. That’s where the mind control comes in – it is draining for them to keep the nonsense up, so if they confuse you and weaken you, make grand promises and let you down. The push and pull effect destabilises you causes a kind of addictive reaction – in that you feel comfortable and reassured when they return and anxious when they are away – perfect set up for someone who wants to possess and control another. Then to finish it all off, they make sure you doubt yourself and take the blame for their nonsense!
Oh and I forgot. There’s the bit at the beginning, where their false persona gives you the impression they are the person you have been seeking, (they tap into that) they are polite, attentive, reliable, they want to help you chase your goals – you are the perfect person for them – your prince – knight – usually when we are most vulnerable. As a single mum, I was weary, he promised to relieve my burdens – and that was attractive.
This is the polished false persona they use to trap us with – they have perfected it with others, they have tried many others. There isnt much continuity in their lives – look to see what they have created in their lives and how their lives have panned out. Next time I wont take anything they say as gospel, nor what anyone else says – even their mother. As proved, they often fool those closest to them.
My instinct will be my guide and I will allow much more space before I commit anything of myself – in a sense I will use some of their tactics, not to control the other person but to give myself protection and I will give a little at a time and I will pull back if I am feeling disturbed about anything even if I cant make sense of it (my mistake last time – I could smell the rats, but couldnt make sense of them, so didnt act early enough).
I guess I am learning to value myself in a way that I will not just give away parts of myself, my money, my attention, my energy, or anything else – until someone has proved they have earned it on a consistent and ongoing basis.
I think it’s just an elongated version of the pity play, but for my ex the big thing was threatening suicide every time he did something bad. Out of nowhere:
‘I think about it all the time?’
‘What.’
‘Killing myself.’
His dad did just that so it seemed to have force. There’s still a part of me that believes him!
My ex had narcissistic committment conflicts, which helped to create a great deal of push and pull dynamics. Which I couldnt understand at the time because he wasnt the catch of the century, infact he had next to nothing going for him, if I look at it coldly. Additionally, he could be hard work to be with and I felt I could never be my real self. Why I put so much effort into someone who gave very little back?
A very good book that goes into depth into the behaviour of those with active committment conflicts and myself as a passive pursuer is ‘He’s Scared She’s Scared’ by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, published by Dell. This book helped my understanding of why alot of the behaviour takes place and the various stages of it. Has anyone read this book?
I have had to deal with my psychopathic ex’s through the years and they LOVE to play the game but now I do everything I can to stay “unhooked”. I recall toward the end of my marriage (when after 9 yrs, I knew it was finally OVER), I started listening with my head and not my heart and I was amazed on how he would try to manipulate me…it was as if I was seeing it for the first time and I couldn’t believe what a fool I had been and how I would continuously give in to his childish tantrums when he wanted me to buy him something or let him have his way. When he saw that he wasn’t getting through to me, I saw a side of him that had not revealed itself before then…he got real ugly with me and said some really mean things trying to put all the blame on me…and I just sat back and listened while watching in disbelief at this monstrous man who was transforming right in front of my eyes. Yes, if you want to see how ugly they can turn, try turning the tables on them and do not give an inch…hang out with friends, find a hobby….totally ignore them and see what happens. If you want to fall out of love with this person, this type of behavior will definitely be a turn-off…..it was for me and I was able to move on.