I received this question from a woman who is divorcing a man she believes has the traits of a psychopath (according to the psychopathy checklist):
“What psychological tactics can you suggest in dealing with a psychopath? There must be some tools and strategies to stay a step ahead. I’ve read books on identifying liars and tried to educate myself on strengthening my position in recognizing The Predator. There has to be some guidelines somewhere on How to Ride That Horse. I have had hundreds of horses throughout my life and pride myself on being able to ride anyone that crosses my path. Although this horse has been the most difficult and I continue to be dragged, trampled and kicked, I continue to get back up, dust myself off and try again. I have learned much and he has been a great teacher…..but in the final stages of our divorce, he is throwing some wild curve balls and I’m desperately trying to stay in the saddle. I ride all my horses softly, gently…..Can you offer tools for the arsenal?”
Before answering this question I want to make some important comments. Many people have reasons for needing and desiring relationships with people who are very sociopathic/psychopathic (sociopaths). In my view, there are only two legitimate reasons for having interactions with someone you believe may be “a sociopath.” The first is that the person is your boss and you haven’t yet found another job, and the second is that there is a court order commanding you to. That the sociopath is charming, attractive, wealthy, your son, daughter, friend, lover, mother, father or some other relation, is not a good enough reason to risk yourself and others.
Whenever you interact with a sociopath, you not only risk yourself, you risk others. Sociopaths weave a web of deception that is supported by the many relationships they have. If people refuse to participate in the sociopath’s life he/she will be very limited in his/her ability to harm anyone. Sociopaths/psychopaths know how to surround themselves with people who give them legitimacy in the minds of others and who serve as “cover.” They will use anyone for this purpose, especially ministers, priests and rabbis, and of course, children.
If you desire to have a relationship with a known sociopath there is something wrong with you. That something can be ignorance of the disorder and its dangerousness. A sense of grandiose invincibility and a love of risk taking can also feed into this desire. If you are an adventurous risk-taker, take up blizzard mountain exploration or sky diving, but keep away from sociopaths. Many people write me with a tone of wonder, awe and admiration for sociopaths. Save your wonder, awe and admiration for the Grand Canyon, the pyramids of Egypt, or the true miracles of life, please. (Here I am referring also to the women who send love letters to known killers and serial killers.)
Those comments out of the way, how can you cope successfully with a sociopath/psychopath? First, remember that these people are Driven to Do Evil. Just like you wake up every day and feel your drives and desires, sociopaths/psychopaths wake up every morning and “It’s show time!” Whereas your goals are intimately related to the love and compassion you feel for others, a sociopath’s goals are intimately related to his/her desire to gain power over others. If you don’t understand this at the core of your being, you will not be able to deal with sociopaths. Second, imagine a moment what your life would be like if guilt, empathy and compassion did not enter into your decision making processes. Imagine that your decisions were based solely on your judgments regarding what would benefit you.
Now imagine both together, a Drive to Do Evil and no guilt, empathy or compassion. A sociopath is a sports car with an accelerator and no braking system. Now you can see why I say only an ignorant, crazy or suicidal person would voluntarily choose to ride this horse, or drive this car!
I have just armed you with the mental picture of the sociopath who you are compelled to deal with. To successfully cope, keep this picture in your mind at all times. Ignore any of the sociopath’s actual appearance or behavior. Keep all conversations brief and to the point. Set firm boundaries and never give an inch. Insist that you get everything due you, and that the sociopath abide by his/her end of any court orders, or job descriptions. Most importantly, STOP expecting that the sociopath will behave like anyone other than who he/she is. A sociopath is a person who is Driven to Do Evil and who lacks, guilt, empathy and compassion.
To make this point further, let us consider our friend’s analogy of the psychopath and our relations with him/her to the horse and horseback riding. Horses are domesticated animals. Domestication means they have been bred to have the capacity for submissive behavior and impulse control. These two (submissive behavior and impulse control) are supported by a very complicated biology that includes hormones and brain structure. The psychopath lacks both the brain structure and hormonal profile to behave submissively or even consistently cooperatively. The best horse analogy to the sociopath is the horse who dies in the process of being ridden because s/he lacks the substrate for domestication. This horse is not a challenge, s/he is a waste of time and energy.
So stick with the horses that have been beautifully trained to compete in the show ring, and who lovingly wait by the fence for you to appear. These horses enjoy cooperation and don’t mind having to submit occasionally. The untrainable horses are a complete waste of time. Surround yourself with people you know to be primarily motivated by love and compassion. To do otherwise, is a complete waste of time and energy.
Hi Ana, is ‘under the table’ what it’s being called these days? 😉
LOL.
that’s how monica did it for bill.
it’s weird how everyone thought he was so great – (i know, not weird), how this shit was some sort of childish ‘indiscretion’. oops, it was! all i knew was he had some progressive policy and he wasn’t one of the bush clan…but, he is some bit of not right.
When u say driven to do evil. I couldn’t agree more. But what I don’t get is if they can hate so much, why can’t they love? What I have clearly seen in my husbands ex wife is a text book sociopath. But when her mother forced to go to drug rehab and also a mental rehabilitation institute from what her family said she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I didnt realize it was so closely related to the sociopath. But both diagnoses fit her very well from the actions I have seen and then what my husband endured through out their 15 year marriage. He said the last 8 years of the marriage she was on drugs and cheating with a neighbor who she is still with. She really had my husband duped for so long. He secretly told me that he is not even sure if she wasnt doing drugs when she was pregnant with their first child. They did IVF because she wanted to have a child so bad! But she was pregnant with triplets and he felt she was popping pills such as Xanax soma ambien and OxyContin the whole pregnacy which my husband said she denies that. But she went into premature labor and 2 of the babies died except for the sweet little (now a teenager) they have together. She was a miracle baby and to me that would be enough to straighten my life out but she only got worse with the drug use. I can’t fathom how if u know u are pregnant with triplets, how u could smoke and do prescription pills that could hurt the babies. Knowing a triplet pregnancy is going to be high risk. The dr had confirmed she had those drugs in system when she went into hospital. She seems to show no guilt over the fact that she more than likely caused the premature labor that led to babies death. But she will use it to elicit pity from anyone who will listen. I think my husband wanted to believe no one was all bad and that she had to have some good in her. He knows now that she is pure evil. His exact words were she is a bad person and told me I had no idea of the things she has done and is capable of doing.. That scares me. I knew she was a bad person when she targeted me as soon as my husband and I were married. Because when I met her things were ok, we got along, I even took her to her child’s 5th grade graduation because she had suspended drivers license and no car. Little did I know while I was being nice and hoping for a good relationship for kids sake she was ripping my reputation apart to everyone my husband knows and school teachers. Her lies were hard to believe they were so outlandish. Of course she denied it all. And did what any good sociopath does is vilify the victim, saying I was the one trying to ruin her reputation. All the crazy stuff the sociopath does like trying to convince you it’s YOU NOT THEM!
She would write blogs,be on forums saying I was insecure and jealous of her. Of course I always reacted and she was able to turn the tables on me. I have learned not to even pay her attention anymore. But I will pursue criminal charges against her if she impersonates me again since its now a felony in my state. To impersonate another person in unfavorable way or for fraud. I don’t know how my husband is able to take the things she does. He is numb to it and doesn’t care. He won’t respond to her 30 text a day. He has even considers filing a protective orde because she threatens to come to his office if he doesn’t respond. Which is probably what will happen Next because lately she is out of control and I fear for my safety and my child’s and even her own children’s. since it burns her up that they are happy and have stability with us that she won’t provide. She could be a good mom anyone can be if they WANT TO GET BETTER THEY DO IT. But when the person seems to think every situation that’s has happened to her is the fault of my husband or her mother. I m not sure if she really believes she is innocent or if she knows exactly what she is doing. My husband says she knows what she is doing, drugs or no drugs, he finally does see her for the evil she is. And so do I. We do however shelter the children from it. They kind of already know she isn’t normal but not because of us. I truly hoped she would change and stop thebeing so focused on making my life and husband difficult with constant BS. But I feel hopeless now that things with her will ever be better. I have had to learn to not react, my husband has helped me learn to not acknowledge her. He said in his eyes she is no existent. That’s hard for me to do tho especially when she is texting us everyday from crazy #’s since we have blocked her number from our phones. She says we can’t block her because of the children but the kids are old enough now that we have got them their own phones and she is free to call them when she wants. She just never does but will call my husband and me and text us what losers we are all day long. It seems to be all about control and domination. Which she has none. Most of the time I think she does things that would ruin a marriage, but my husband and me are stronger than ever. We realize that to go up against this monster it takes us both. So we are a good team and when I am able to to ignore her things are great. And I do ignore her now but it’s hard to not let it consume your thoughts. Constantly fearing she is capable of harming me and my family. And it bothers me that we want a child together and my husband wants that so bad but I do not want to bring another child into such a bad unhealthy situation. I am stressed raising my child and her children, I don’t think I could handle a baby now. But I’m still young so I have to stay hopeful that once the oldest starts driving I will be less stressed and maybe we can have a child together but for now I have to do what’s responsible and not bring a baby into this chaos. I would fear for my babies safety. She had no guilt or seemed to care she caused the death of her 2 triplets why would she care if she caused something to happen to me when I am pregnant. It’s frustrating but taking it one day at a time ..
Fascinating story….my sociopath ex gf has not bothered me since I told her to get lost—except when she gets arrested for shoplifting or child suprport or destruction of property.But I know the number from the jail by now and I don t answer.She HAS however sent BOTH boyfriends she had before and after me to JAIL!!!Made up stuff from what I ve heard.Lies the police believed ….so I m lucky so far.Fingers crossed it stays that way…
NeverUnderstimate,
I think,like me,you have to divulge your story,bit by bit.It’s just a little hard to handle in one post!I admire the strength you and your husband have as a team!
Thanks Dr. Leedom,
Great article, many good points. The main things that speak to me are that when we are unaware of the disordered personalities, a spath may seem to be someone who is deserving of our love , time and attention because we accept and have empathy for the flaws we see as being normal and human. I am not perfect, and I did not expect perfection out of him. I also thought that I could love him safely, despite the cracks in his character, not realizing that his underlying intent with me, was the exact opposite of what I was being told daily by him.
Dr. Leedom states;
” Surround yourself with people you know to be primarily motivated by love and compassion.”
This is possibly the best piece of input for living life safely that I have ever heard. Exactly at what point I knew this was not his motivation, I cannot recall, but I know it will be a requirement to my ever allowing another human being into my close circle of friends, associates and most certainly, any man I ever consider for a relationship. I no longer give people the benefit of assuming they have a heart and soul with good intentions. I watch, wait, evaluate what I see. I am going to learn to close up my head, mouth, heart and inner self, (boundaries!), so that anyone in the future will only be allowed close association with me, once they have shown what thier character and intents truly are.
A last big lesson, choosing not to get on a horse that has a bloody trail of broken, bruised previous riders. I will not think so arrogantly of myself, that I am different and can love him better, bring out the best in him, naively assuming that my kind -loving nature will result in his being able to be faithful, kind, caring and true to me…when the history of his life shows he has not managed that with any other woman before me. I will tell myself, “step away from the big- frothy-mouthed -angry-mean-spirted stallion”…he may be pretty and exciting…but in the end, I will end up in the dust, thrown and a mess!”
Thanks to all for the constant education this site gives, to help us all live safer.
Bluemosaic
Dr. Leedom,
I’m so glad you included “son” in your list. The pain of rejecting a child is immense and I have often thought of what I’d do if he ever stopped “splitting” and reached out. He’s BPD. Was abandoned by his father as a small child.
Both being with him, and being without him is a double edged sword. At least with a despicable lover or spouse, once you recognize what they are, you can deal with the loss. When you recognize what your child is, they are still your child. I don’t think I will ever get over the pain of not being able to trust my own son. But rejecting him would defy every concept I have of maternal love that’s at the very core of my being.
Any thoughts on how to possibly reconcile this?
Joyce
Joyce,
I have been watching my husband struggle with this as his daughter was diagnosed APD. She lived with us for a year and caused so much pain and havoc in our home. When her rages became violent, she went to live with her mother (again) which by the the way is also NAPD.
My husband has very little contact with his daughter, but it’s not by his choice. She only calls or texts when she wants something. He has been quite generous with her demands until recently when he told her no. She replied with nasty things about me and told him she was “done with him”. He says he knows what she is but holds onto hope that she will get better. It pains me to see him want a relationship with her, full knowing she is not capable. Whats worse is that his younger daughter has been manipulated by their mother so horrifically, we have only seen her 3x in the past 4 yrs. As far as we know, she is not a sociopath like the other 2.
I will never know my husbands pain, but I want to help him. Any thoughts?
Sixth-
Most of us who struggled to raise these kids, weren’t aware of their disordered mindset throughout their development. We may have known their behavior was odd and mean spirited, but we didn’t know any specifics about character disorder in order to evaluate what we were watching and experiencing. To some, it comes as a relief to know there was a reason behind it.
I wrote my book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit,” primarily because the nightmare of my son’s deliberate departure broke my heart. Had I not conducted the research and analysis to put all the pieces together, I don’t think I could have survived. And I hope my story conveys a sense of what, as parents, we’re up against.
Along the way, I read a few books that helped enlighten my path. Dr. Leedom’s book was excellent, and Dr. Hare’s book on psychopathy gave me a grasp of the behavior patterns I’d seen, but didn’t recognize what they were. I’d encourage you, and your husband, to read as much as possible on the subject. While it won’t change his daughter’s behavior, it will give you some inner peace.
All the best-
Joyce
To everyone here on lovefraud
Today was the day. We settled in court. It was definetely in my favor and I am so grateful to my attorney. Thank you for all of you here to give me encouragement and hope. I was married to a sociopath for almost 20 years and today was the day that I am finally free.
The court decided he must pay permanent alimony. He cheated, lied and betrayed and them discarded his family. Did he really think it came without a price? Really?
Now I can go on with my life. He is out of it. Today is a day of celebration. Thanks again.
kaya48
Absolutely Wonderful news. More than wonderful because your outcome is encouraging for us who wait for someone to see the truth of what they are, but also because it really is the beginning of the best years of your life.
Bravo! Celebrate big!
Kaya48,
Great news for you! I’m so glad that you were given what was rightfully yours. Today is a great day for you for sure. Best wishes for a bright, joyful future that is full of peace.