I received this question from a woman who is divorcing a man she believes has the traits of a psychopath (according to the psychopathy checklist):
“What psychological tactics can you suggest in dealing with a psychopath? There must be some tools and strategies to stay a step ahead. I’ve read books on identifying liars and tried to educate myself on strengthening my position in recognizing The Predator. There has to be some guidelines somewhere on How to Ride That Horse. I have had hundreds of horses throughout my life and pride myself on being able to ride anyone that crosses my path. Although this horse has been the most difficult and I continue to be dragged, trampled and kicked, I continue to get back up, dust myself off and try again. I have learned much and he has been a great teacher…..but in the final stages of our divorce, he is throwing some wild curve balls and I’m desperately trying to stay in the saddle. I ride all my horses softly, gently…..Can you offer tools for the arsenal?”
Before answering this question I want to make some important comments. Many people have reasons for needing and desiring relationships with people who are very sociopathic/psychopathic (sociopaths). In my view, there are only two legitimate reasons for having interactions with someone you believe may be “a sociopath.” The first is that the person is your boss and you haven’t yet found another job, and the second is that there is a court order commanding you to. That the sociopath is charming, attractive, wealthy, your son, daughter, friend, lover, mother, father or some other relation, is not a good enough reason to risk yourself and others.
Whenever you interact with a sociopath, you not only risk yourself, you risk others. Sociopaths weave a web of deception that is supported by the many relationships they have. If people refuse to participate in the sociopath’s life he/she will be very limited in his/her ability to harm anyone. Sociopaths/psychopaths know how to surround themselves with people who give them legitimacy in the minds of others and who serve as “cover.” They will use anyone for this purpose, especially ministers, priests and rabbis, and of course, children.
If you desire to have a relationship with a known sociopath there is something wrong with you. That something can be ignorance of the disorder and its dangerousness. A sense of grandiose invincibility and a love of risk taking can also feed into this desire. If you are an adventurous risk-taker, take up blizzard mountain exploration or sky diving, but keep away from sociopaths. Many people write me with a tone of wonder, awe and admiration for sociopaths. Save your wonder, awe and admiration for the Grand Canyon, the pyramids of Egypt, or the true miracles of life, please. (Here I am referring also to the women who send love letters to known killers and serial killers.)
Those comments out of the way, how can you cope successfully with a sociopath/psychopath? First, remember that these people are Driven to Do Evil. Just like you wake up every day and feel your drives and desires, sociopaths/psychopaths wake up every morning and “It’s show time!” Whereas your goals are intimately related to the love and compassion you feel for others, a sociopath’s goals are intimately related to his/her desire to gain power over others. If you don’t understand this at the core of your being, you will not be able to deal with sociopaths. Second, imagine a moment what your life would be like if guilt, empathy and compassion did not enter into your decision making processes. Imagine that your decisions were based solely on your judgments regarding what would benefit you.
Now imagine both together, a Drive to Do Evil and no guilt, empathy or compassion. A sociopath is a sports car with an accelerator and no braking system. Now you can see why I say only an ignorant, crazy or suicidal person would voluntarily choose to ride this horse, or drive this car!
I have just armed you with the mental picture of the sociopath who you are compelled to deal with. To successfully cope, keep this picture in your mind at all times. Ignore any of the sociopath’s actual appearance or behavior. Keep all conversations brief and to the point. Set firm boundaries and never give an inch. Insist that you get everything due you, and that the sociopath abide by his/her end of any court orders, or job descriptions. Most importantly, STOP expecting that the sociopath will behave like anyone other than who he/she is. A sociopath is a person who is Driven to Do Evil and who lacks, guilt, empathy and compassion.
To make this point further, let us consider our friend’s analogy of the psychopath and our relations with him/her to the horse and horseback riding. Horses are domesticated animals. Domestication means they have been bred to have the capacity for submissive behavior and impulse control. These two (submissive behavior and impulse control) are supported by a very complicated biology that includes hormones and brain structure. The psychopath lacks both the brain structure and hormonal profile to behave submissively or even consistently cooperatively. The best horse analogy to the sociopath is the horse who dies in the process of being ridden because s/he lacks the substrate for domestication. This horse is not a challenge, s/he is a waste of time and energy.
So stick with the horses that have been beautifully trained to compete in the show ring, and who lovingly wait by the fence for you to appear. These horses enjoy cooperation and don’t mind having to submit occasionally. The untrainable horses are a complete waste of time. Surround yourself with people you know to be primarily motivated by love and compassion. To do otherwise, is a complete waste of time and energy.
Dear Blackrose, many of us have suffered that humiliation and disbelief of being taken for a ride. I wrote a list of the emotions I went through at the time; humiliation, grief, anger, torture. The bottom line is that these people do not function like you or me so we cannot measure our own responses to theirs – of course we would never do stuff like that to others, but they are not normal and their thinking is different and they have no empathy – it takes time to get your head around that – but it will come and you will get over your disbelief to realising that they are part of a subculture.
Thank you, I am beginning to accept that and getting more sleep.
They are so good at playing games, do they ever get caught?
He always claimed to be so compassionate, but I don’t think he was, he always said he respected me, but when he ended the relationship, he did not even bother to call me, he just stopped calling me. He is probably mad that I have not try to get in touch with him, but that’s on him. I don’t play games with people, and don’t know how. He’s a master at it.
I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I was involved in a relationship with a sociopath last year. I’ve been able to cut him out of my life and although he’s occasionally present at certain places that I go to with my friends, I can deal with it and ignore him completely.
However, what has made me absolutely miserable is the revelation that for the latter few months of our relationship, he was telling all of his friends that I was psychotic, making out that I was this terrible person who made his life a misery and playing the sympathy card. Then he cheated on me but when I got angry at him and confronted him, a lot of people instantly took his side – because they’d been exposed to his catalogue of lies about me treating him like crap. And now, people I was friends with for years, who also got to know him around the time that we were together, have sided with him. They’ll report things I said in the past back to him, they’ll defend his behaviour – even though if someone did the same stuff to them they’d get really mad!!! It doesn’t seem to matter that I was totally abused, they don’t want to take sides and they think that me and him should get on together if we’re out – or that I shouldn’t ’cause trouble’. The evidence is all there that he’s done this and that he did it to other women too (I didn’t know about his history of abusing women until recently) so why won’t they believe me and support me?
The worst bit is that they all bitched about me to the next boyfriend I had, who was a lovely guy, and we broke up because he couldn’t hack them hating me. And even though he’s aware a little bit of what they’re like (he doesn’t know the full details but knows they’re all untrustworthy, gossip-spreading and compulsive liars and also violent tendencies), he won’t take sides either. Is there any way I can do something about this, to make them all see what is so clearly evident to me and my good friends – that this man is a manipulative bastard and a sociopath and that his friends are total liars and people who have been manipulated? Or is there any way to expose him? I can’t bear the thought that some other poor girl will get treated like this and I’m so tired of getting crap from his friends, I want it to stop and don’t know how to make that happen.
Dear Miranda,
Unfortunately, I wish I could tell you a way to accomplish what you would like to do–“clear your name” but the Ps do the “smear campaign” to cover up for their own bad behavior to others. You don’t even know it is going on until it is “too late” in most cases. Many of the things he has said are outright lies, I am sure, and if there is even a “GRAIN” of truth in anything, he will TWIST it 180 degrees until it is totally against you. Of course, he is 100% a sweet heart! YEA, RGHT! Puke!
The only thing I can tell you is to avoid this entire GROUP of people, if you get a new BF keep him away from them.
This is all typical P behavior and not much you can do to stop it…the more you protest, the worse it makes YOU look! EVen though YOU are the one telling the truth and HE IS LYING> I k now it is frustrating, but I would just avoid the entire bunch. Not have any contact with them at all. It is obvious that these people are not your freinds and what do you need them for, any more than you need him? Dump them all! Find new places to go and a set of people who won’t turn on you like snakes. Good luck.
When I read this I identify I WANTED A RELATIONSHIP EVEN AFTER I KNEW WHAT HE WAS!!!! That is where I needed to put my focus on. My instincts and brain hae need rewired. I do whatever I can to keep my life from being intertwined. One is an x husband which can be tricky, but not impossible. The other I cut them all out and as lon;y or bored as I thought I would be I took steps to find other exciting things to do and I paid attention to the kind of people that were brought into my life. I would like to thing God put them there. I wanted to change that about me and when I had the awarness and the desire to change things started to slowly, peacefully start to happen and I have longer and longer intervals of joy and peace.
When you escape from the Lion’s den don’t go back for your hat…get another hat. I’ll give you one of mine!!!!
Iradessa- Your last sentence…if you don’t mind, I think I will write that down and hang it on my refrigerator. It’s not only cute, but very true. Thanx
Beverly,
The sociopath definitely puts on a false front – all charm and manners. He or she appears to be the perfect partner. They are attentive and listen to everything that you say. You are hooked before you even realize that you are being manipulated.
Khatalyst:
My sociopath works in my office. I do try to not discuss anything but work with him. I try not to listen to his conversations or pay any attention to his activities.
QUOTE:
“when you get out of the lion’s den, don’t go back for your hat”
I have heard that before, long ago, and boy is it true. I hadn’t thought about it in YEARS, but it is SO GOOD and SO TRUE. I see so many women who do “go back for their hats” and I DID TOO until last summer, when I left my hat, my toothbrush, and everything else to “get the heck out of Dodge.”
Yes, yes, YES! Get another hat! How true, how true! I know I put so much value on “hats” that can be replaced, it was only when I finally realized that I could get another hat but not another head to put it on that I DID something smart! Got out! and STAYED OUT! of the P relationships.
Thanks Iradessa, a great saying! (((Hugs)))) you made my day!
I am here to help, I need to be of use to my fellows. We heal in community, not isolation. You all help me more than you know…well that’s not true I am sure you do know…
I was approached by a accomplice of my xhusband’s this weekend and as uncomfortable as it was I stood up for myself and said if you don’t go away I will call the police. I will not be a victim to disrespect, harrasment …I am still jittery and going to this site helps.. right now I am safe and allowing myself to be afraid. I am so grateful that I know enough to stay away instead of thrill seeking and trying to set this guy straight. I can’t and it doesn’t help me at all. I cannot wait to get into a warm bath tonight and comfort myself. Light wins over dark everytime and this site keeps me in the light in a community of people who support and who want to heal. You are all in my prayers and my heart is full of a hope I never had before..for all of those who have suffered the devastation of the evil doings of psychopaths.