This week I will propose a strategy for helping a family member break free from a con artist/sociopath. The conclusions I have come to about how best to do this are based on the information regarding the techniques these people employ that I explained last week in Coercive persuasion, mind control and brain washing.
Sociopaths establish control over a person little by little, BITE by BITE. Remember, BITE stands for behavior, information, thoughts and emotions. To help your loved one, you have to BITE back. Take a look at the situation and see how you can gently facilitate your loved one gaining back autonomy over his/her daily behavior. Try to always appear affirming and loving so that it will be difficult for the sociopath to come up with an excuse to exclude you from their lives. See your loved one as frequently as possible. Be a source of real information, in contrast to the lies your loved one is being told by the sociopath.
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
While you should be loving and supportive, don’t render any practical aid as long as the person is still with the sociopath. For example, do not give or lend money or take your loved one in until you are sure the relationship is over. The only exception to this rule is in regards to your loved one’s children. Do not stop babysitting even though this is rendering aid. Chances are the children need a break away from the sociopath.
Realize that your loved one may be subjected to these coercive influence tactics:
• Selective reward/punishment
• Denigration of self and of critical thinking
• Dissociative states to suppress doubt and critical thinking
• Alternation of harshness/threats and leniency/love
• Control-oriented guilt induction
• Active promotion of dependency
• Debilitation
• Physical restraint/punishment
Combat these tactics by bringing up the good you see in your loved one. Talk about his/her past successes. Help your loved one reconnect with a sense of autonomy and competency. Encourage your loved one to be more independent. For example, women often stop driving. If this has happened, say something like, “I always thought you were a good driver.” Use compliments and other supportive comments as much as you can genuinely do so. If you do, the contrast between you and the sociopath will eventually be felt by your loved one.
Patiently wait for the honeymoon phase of the relationship to be over. Since Sociopaths, at first, don’t act like jerks you will have to wait for the “jerk” phase to begin. When the situation escalates and you feel the time is right, you can chance talking to your loved one about the sociopath. Instead of labeling the sociopath, I think you might have more success if you point out that some people “love by control.” You can then name the above tactics that these people use to gain control over others, and give examples of what you have observed here. You can say, “I’ve heard that people who love by control aren’t capable of real love”¦tough spot to be in.” It is very likely that, in the beginning, you will not be able to convince your loved one that the sociopath doesn’t love him/her and is a complete fraud. That is why I suggest you not try to do that. Instead point out the harmful dynamics of control. People need some amount of freedom in order to be healthy and happy.
If you are in this very difficult situation and your loved one is in the grip of a sociopath, don’t give up hope. Every one of us here at Lovefraud was once in that situation. I will be forever thankful that my dear parents were there for me when I needed them most. May that also be your happy ending.
Thank you so much for this excellent post, Dr. Leedom. I have a friend who is in this situation with her daughter and has to deal with the need to clam up about her feelings or be left out of the loop.
Dear Liane,
This is wonderful advice, I wish I had followed any of it back when my son was married to the Psychopath. Whew! Good information.
I ended up doing most things wrong, and of course she isolated him from us even before the marriage, so just keeping my mouth shut was about all I could do. Biting big holes in my tongue.
I was fortunate that she eventually tried to kill him (thank God did not succeed) but in retrospect, ANYTHING less than that would NOT have shaken him loose from her, he would have continued to ‘try to make it work”—he took his marriage vows VERY seriously and was determined to stick with it no matter what it took. I’m pretty stubborn myself, so “his apple didn’t fall far from my tree.” LOL
I had actually given up “hope” of him being saved from her, when my prayers were answered in a dramatic way. The waiting is the worst part, and as I prayed I wanted results “NOW,” but I think God is teaching (or trying to anyway) me patience.
I think it is great advice, too. I am still amazed at how powerful the psychopath is at controlling, manipulating, twisting things, etc.
My daughter is like Oxy’s son. She will do anything to “make it work” and takes her vows very seriously.
I also think it is interesting how many very accomplished women come to a point in their lives where to “have someone tell me what to do” and “be in charge” looks so appealing?!? Do they just get tired of all that over achieving?
excellent advice – I wish I had had someone acting like this for me on ‘the outside’!
My problem is that my son doesn’t doesn’t realize there’s a problem. The way she handles him is with a raft of lies and deceptions, somebody out there impersonating her doing these things. She is just the poor innocent victim and he buys it. I once though I had her caught but instead what we got was an spath concerto of lies to cover up other lies to cover up other lies to cover up other lies, etc. It was quite an awful show.
So, how do we get them to realize there is a problem? I can’t say ANYTHING about her or the effect on him without him flying into defense mode, angry at me. Unfortunately I don’t have those times of “jerk” where he may be vulnerable to discussion because he never sees it.
I AM AT MY WIT’S END HERE AND MY MATERNAL INSTINCT IS THROBBING!
Lisaptrn,
If this woman has a “past” maybe that would be where to start collecting evidence that what she says is not true. Facts speak.
I know for me, finding the facts made all the difference because until then I believed that I had no reason not to believe.
Thanks Silvermoon,
Unfortunately they are both 18 so there isn’t a “past” at all. But there is a “present” and I am actually thinking of going into super sleuth mode. Have I in fact lost my mind now??????
Wow! This arrived just as I had an email from spath’s ex to say she’d taken him back…..again.
I have tried my best to explain what he is but he’s wormed his way back in to her affections.
I think little by little she is ‘getting it’ but I have decided to go no contact with her so long as he is there with her.
She’s a lovely person and I want to shout from the rooftop HE’S USING YOU.
I’ve sent her edited bits from here and I think she’s wising up.
I remember people telling me but I was not ready to listen to them. I kept defending him as she is doing now.
Hopefully she will see the light before too long.
So thank you for this post it’s helping me to understand that I need to give her the time and space to ‘get there’
Lisa,
Let him go. This is toxic to you.
You can do nothing but let him learn the lesson and be supportive when it goes south.
LL
As a mom, what you are asking seems impossible. I love my son and we have raised him so carefully and have always been there for him. I will say that I no longer bring up the subject in such a way that I hope he can get it on his own but as a mom, I quietly worry in the background which is what brings me here.
And I shutter to think of the one whose spath tried to kill their son…toxic? I don’t think there is a word to even describe the despair and the “what if’s” that would plague me for the rest of my lifeless existance.