By | September 2, 2007 227 Comments

What is a sociopath feeling?

Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:

“I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?”

The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you’ve had a close encounter with one of them.

Let’s look at these questions individually.

Do they feel love?

The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people.

Those of us who are capable of empathy may feel joy when a friend or relative has a baby, or want to help disaster victims by sending a donation, or cry at a poignant TV commercial. A sociopath does not have an emotional reaction to any of these scenarios. Whether due to genetic make-up, or a traumatic upbringing, or both, when it comes to feeling emotional connections to other people, sociopaths simply don’t get it.

They do, however, learn that by simulating an emotional reaction, or generating an emotional reaction in another person, they can get what they want. So they fake it. They mouth the words, “I love you.” For good measure, they plead, “I don’t want to lose you,” with tears running down their cheeks.

It is all an act.

A sociopath may be telling you that he or she loves you. What the sociopath really means is that he or she wants you like a hot new Lexus. You can do something for the sociopath—such as provide transportation. You can make the sociopath look good—providing a status symbol or the appearance of normalcy. The only reason a sociopath may be upset if you and the kids leave is because he or she doesn’t want to part with possessions.

What does a sociopath feel?

One of the key symptoms of a sociopath, or psychopath, is shallow emotion. In his book Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare writes,

“Psychopaths seem to suffer a kind of emotional poverty that limits the range and depth of their feelings. While at time they appear cold and unemotional, they are prone to dramatic, shallow and short-lived displays of feeling.”

They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth. Many people are mystified by the way in which sociopaths can turn emotions on and off. For example, the Lovefraud reader who asked the questions in the beginning of this post also wrote about his ex-wife:

“We met with a court mediator during our divorce proceedings. After accusing me of the most horrible things you can imagine, once away from the mediator, she broke down and cried hysterically asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” Ten minutes later she was bubbly and acting for the judge.”

One expert, Dr. J. Reid Maloy, wrote that psychopaths often feel “contemptuous delight” when they have successfully deceived someone. He also notes that they frequently feel boredom—which then prompts them to aggressively find stimulation, such as someone new to manipulate.

What hurts a sociopath?

Sociopaths do not experience hurt feelings as the rest of us do. They may pretend to be hurt in order to manipulate you, but again, it is an act.

This is an important concept for anyone trying to break free of a sociopath to understand. If you are breaking off a relationship, there is no reason to be nice. You do not have to try to let the sociopath down slowly or gently. Just say, “It’s over,” and leave. Then maintain a strict policy of No Contact.

You cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.

How can you communicate with a sociopath?

Understand that a sociopath looks at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for manipulation. Therefore, your best policy with a sociopath is No Contact.

If you must communicate with a sociopath, always be on mental red alert. As Dr. Liane Leedom writes, the cardinal sign of sociopathy is lying. Anything said to you may be a lie, or, at best, a twisting of the truth. Furthermore, anything you say to the sociopath, any information you provide, may be used against you.

Here are some tips for communicating with a sociopath:

    1. Provide as little information as possible.
    2. Document everything. Get communications in writing. If you are communicating verbally, have a witness.
    3. Do not trust. Verify.
    4. Be explicit and lay down the law. If the sociopath violates any terms, there must be consequences.

Implications of no empathy and no fear

Sociopaths do not feel empathy. As Dr. Liane Leedom and other experts have written, they also do not feel fear. Empathy and fear are the basic components of remorse and guilt—so sociopaths don’t feel those emotions, either.

What does all this mean? Sociopaths do not really care about people. They do not feel obliged to comply with society’s rules. They cannot be trusted to “do the right thing.” They have no morals.

That—in all its emptiness—is the true nature of a sociopath.

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If a sociopath/narcissist is confronted with undeniable facts do they understand what they are being told? In other words, are their actions inentional or is their behaviour stemming from a sub-conscious level?

After all the emotional things he did to me It was like he just didn’t care. I would constantly ask him questions and I wanted us to communicate for years. It was like he found joy in making me suffer and making me wonder what he was doing or thinking. He never said how he was feeling and was so secretive. As I said in an email to him after we divorced. I told him he did his job he drove me nuts and he did.


What’s the difference between a sociopath and a narcissist ? Or is there non ?


I read that narcissists do have periods of regret. On Narcissists I found “Recent research shows that narcissists do experience periods of “ego dystony” (feeling bad about themselves, their behaviour and what they do to others). But their defense mechanisms are so trained, their personality so rigid, that they revert immediately to their previous existence.”

Many thanks for explaining that. Since they have a goal and need the Supply Source to keep feeding them, once they have a victim in thier clutches they pre-meditate and plot their next move and keep going till that Supply is exhausted? Is their path walked with conscious awareness of how they are ‘playing’ the game?

Sorry, I dropped a word there .. the question was DO they pre-meditate and plot the course?

The things that happened to me were a comination of impulsive acts and premeditated ones.

I wrote a blog on psychopathy/sociopathy vs narcissism


I also think it’s a mixture of both, pre-meditate/plotting and impulsive acts.

Regarding narcissists and sociopaths, I’m under the impression narcissists have deeply repressed feelings, denial (not to be compared to a “normal” person in denial, but a means to “survive”) of deeply engrained hurt, whereas sociopaths have (perhaps) none ?

I wanted to tell you all I was sallycos but decided to change my nickname lol. I do totally beleieve that my ex when dating prematitated so much. He did the entire time. I feel bad about myself at times because I just didn’t see it.
What I hate so much is everyone saw it but me.


Here perhaps something interesting on narcissists vs sociopaths:

“As a counterpart to sociopathy, the condition of Narcissism is, in a metaphorical sense, one half of what sociopathy is. Even clinical Narcissists are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does, from guilt and sadness to desperate love and passion. The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissism is a failure not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and to react to them appropriately. The poor Narcissist cannot see past his own nose, emotionally speaking, and any input from the outside will spring back as if nothing had happened. Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often are in psychological pain, and may sometimes seek psychotherapy. When a Narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying issues is usually that, unbeknownst to him, he is alienating his relationships on account of his lack of empathy with others, and is feeling confused, abandoned, and lonely. He misses the people he loves, and is ill-equipped to get them back. Sociopaths, in contrast, do not care about other people, and so do not miss them when they are alienated or gone, except as one might regret the absence of a useful appliance that one had somehow lost.”
“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout, Ph.D.


I agree. The Narcissist I knew (called this by a psychiatrist) felt embarrassment. Psychopaths do not feel embarrassment.



My psycho was the same with me. He actually took joy in my pain and confusion. For Example, he was making sexual advances toward my daughter and when i let him know how wrong that was and my hurt over it, it was like he was just in his glory! Then recently he said we were going to buy a boat, we went out and chose the boat made the finicial arrangements, and i was getting excited about family coning over July 4. Then he says, no, were not gettin the boat , it’s not the right time, and that was the end of that, I think they just do it to hurt us and tha tit is manipulative.


You say he made sexual advances toward your daughter. Have you left him and if not what are you waiting for?
One of the reasons I have “no contact” is because I know it would only be a matter of time before he tried something with one of my daughters. They are 24, 25 & 27. Everyone else is game, why wouldn’t they be. He has proved time and time again that he has no problem hurting my so why wouldn’t he betray me in this worst way. He had not actually done it but with everything else that he has done I would not put this past him. You say your sociopath actually crossed the line. What are you waiting for? Get away from him before he hurts you and your daughter.
I know that my sociopath planned everything from the moment he met me. It was all an act to get what he wanted. He was extremely manipulative. If they don’t think about how they make others feel because they just don’t care or can’t care then what do you think that they are thinking about? Only one thing: how to use people and get what they want.
I hope you get away from this jerk before he humiliates you and your daughter even more than he already has.


Correction, my comment was for loserchooser not Cosbrit. Sorry about that.

Any guy that would make a sexual advance towards your daughter definetly is a loser. Get away from him.



I’m not with him anymore. I have been fighting a very nasty divorce from the psycho for almost 4 months now. Both my daughters, (ages 27 & 25) are going to file sexual harrasement charges against him once the divorce is final. Waiting is on the advice of my attorney.


By the way, my daughters are not his daughters, but I’ve been doing a lot of background research on him and got a copy of his 3rd divorce (all 333 pages) and saw in it that his then wife had found a video of him with his first son. That is why she left him, and they had 2 boys between them. The psycho had visitation with his sons with supervision until 2001, 1 year before I met him.

I know only now how sick he truly is. Believe you me, had I known when I met him I certainly never would have married him, and you can”t imagine, (or maybe you can) the anguish and hurt I have toward him, and how stupid I feel for not seeing it earlier. It is embarrasing for me to even talk about the things he did that I just ignored for whatever foolish reason. I guess I just so wanted the perfect guy he made me believe he was.


i beat myself up over it time and time again and I can’t find peace. He was a charmer when I first met him and after spending time with him I had to be with him. I practically moved in with him for months at a time. He began by saying I was fat and out of shape. I didn’t want t lose him so I dropped 12kg in 6months or so. The sex was amazing, the best I ever experienced. He was the life of the party, extremely smart with a silver tongue. I came to learn he was never wrong and his point had to be heard. My opinion did not count, he didn’t care.

He didn’t like the way I dressed or wore my hair sometimes. That seemed to change over time. My close friends noticed a change in me. I became fearful of him as If I did something to displease him he would give me a lecture and punish me, eg, send me text which were hurtful, ignore me or my calls. he knew I loved him and would always go back no matter what he did. He told me this numerous times. He was so charming and flirty that some people got turned off by it and wanted to smack him so i tired to protect him. I got smacked across the face more than once. I cried and was on the floor in the foetal position whilst he was hitting me with something. He said sorry once in the time I spent with him . He would say he loved me now and again but sleep with other people.

I was afraid of putting the wrong plates on the table for dinner, buying wine he didn’t like. comments, you are not my type, why I am with you.? You don’t communicate very well do you? You have never had a real relationship have you? You don;t really have a home do you? you moved from place to place.

It all ended 2 months ago when suddenly we were going out and he totally changed . I want to be alone. You do whatever. I left and I knew I would not be going back this time. He had planned to meet someone else who he had met before and I met. He was with this person that same night and is still. I have seen him and he behaves as if nothing happened. Calls me now and again or text me to see what i am doing.

My self esteem is gone, I feel nothng with anyone else. I still love him but why did i allow this to happen to me.

Is there something wrong with me or is this normal what happened.


I am relatively sure that I am a sociopath. I have read all the material on it in an effort to figure out what is wrong with me and I feel I meet the criteria. I feel emotionally vacant. I often feel like I should be feeling something but I feel nothing or if I do feel something it is very vague. I also lie quite a bit…often for no real reason. For some reason I do feel that it is funny when I lie and the other person has no idea.

I am a law-abidding citizen but not because I feel ethically bound but because I wouldn’t want to risk the legal consequences. I often fake feeling bad, hurt, or morally outraged by others but I don’t actually feel it I just do it to try and get the upper-hand. I don’t know what love feels like. I care about certain people and wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them but if something did I am not sure I would actually feel sad.

I have almost no empathy for others. I don’t know why. I think that I should feel bad for them and I try to. Sometimes I even convince myself that I do feel for them…I can even bring myself to tears. But I don’t actually feel it. I just can kind of imagine what I should feel and tell myself I feel that until I almost actually do (just for a moment). I can say all this because this is anonymous. My family and friends have no idea. Most people actually think I am more morally sound than others. Funny.

It is also true when they say that a sociopaths feeling cannot be hurt. My feeling never get hurt. I do get angry but never do I feel sad for what someone has said to me. I feel like I don’t understand others. I don’t know why my wife gets so angry when I purposefully say something really mean to her when we are arguing? I can’t understand why she takes it personally. I just go to bed and I have forgot about the whole thing in the morning.

I think a lot of sociopaths are misunderstood. We are not necessarily bad or dangerous. We just don’t process things the same as everyone else.

I am wondering is sociopathy a spectrum disorder…? Like different levels? A person might commit crimes and lie, but be able to feel on some level or love on some level?

I look at it like an equalizer for a stereo (a friend pointed this out), like you have different levels for bassa and treble and all in between. One Sociopath might not out and out commit crimes, but might con people and be able to love on some level. Another SP might be a killer with no love but doesn’t con anyone. You get what I mean.

I don’t know I am still in the throes of this thing and want to scream and cry all day long.



My socio filed for divorce when I was in hospice with a dying sister after ten years of marriage????Hmm I pretty much knew at that point all ten years were a lie he has no emotion about my sisters death who he had a “fake” relationship with, yet it took her death for me to see the whole picture…Some how maybe my street smart side always saw little red flags yet I could not pin point my fears until he raped me one night….All sad and all true.. Doctors say he will go to italy where he is from and leave me with the kids…Still I wait he has not yet, why because he has a new victim-
I will now do what I must to protect my kids and I will follow any and all advise from books and the folks at the domestic shelter to do so..One very important thing when dealing with this kind of person it is true no contact no information they are cold and calculating I assume he is now a stranger, after ten years I never knew him-



Ox Drover

Another great article, Donna, out of the archives. great advice, especially if you are divorcing one or getting away from them early on.

Thank you Scale for bringing this article up. Welcome to LF.


My one short month with a sociopath left me enough material to write a book!

I was first struck by his “ability” to rather quickly discard me, one week before Christmas, one day after being my caretaker in a hospital, knowing I was very sick and bed ridden, facing the real possibility that I was HIV+. Did I add by email? After I called him to say hello and to thank him for caring for me… It doesn’t get much colder than that.

Of course I thought it was me and the whole AIDS thing. Once I learned that he was HIV+ himself, I still cut him slack, the pity play thing…

But another incident may actually be more telling and a good example of Donna’s comment that “you cannot hurt a sociopath’s feelings. He or she doesn’t have any.”

At first I was very friendly to him. Then, in a moment of anger on my part, I emailed him and saidnhe was a shit for what he did to me.

I did not get any response to that email. Then, I felt bad for calling him a shit and sent him a very nice email, the day after Christmas.

His response was like nothing happened, without concern about me or my health, not even any defensiveness on his part. Just normal chit-chit, matter of fact stuff about what he did over the Christmas Holidays.

But in his litany of events, there was one thing for which I was in denial about and really shows his coldness. He mentioned a long night of drinking and playing guitar hero with this “new friend.” Its obvious what was going one there, and he did not even have the kindness to omit this unnecessary and hurtful detail from me.




Dear Scale,

OMG I am blown away that you say this: that the spaths try to “shut down the light” in other people.

Just yesterday I had a weird experience with the spath I have been dealing with. I have been in NC for over a month now and he has tried every which way to engage me. Finally, when I showed up at my gym for my work out he was waiting outside for me and just confronted me wanting to know why I won’t have anything to do with him. Since there were others around (always at that place-it has ears) I told him quietly and firmly that I would be happy to explain it to him but not in front of everyone. He followed me into the gym and three times asked the same question and I played broken record with him. The third time I raised my voice and told him I DID NOT want to discuss it in public. He asked me “what’s wrong with discussing this in public?” I was dumbfounded that he could even ask such a stupid question.

I realized because he is not NORMAL and like Donna says in this article their attention span as far as emotions is very short. She says, “They can feel anger and rage, but it typically doesn’t last very long and has no depth”. I have been scratching my head over that one for awhile now. This explains a lot.

I feel as long as I give into what he wants he will hook me back in. What amazed me the most is I was down right nasty to him and he would get mad for a minute, he would walk away with a disgusted look on his face but then would approach me again as if nothing happened and just wheedle me about why I broke off with him.

Anyway, concerning what you were saying about them wanting to shut down our light. That made me recall how he used to mock my spiritual path. At first he acted like he was into the same thing but then when it became evident he was not, he began to mock me and it’s just as you say. He was trying to steal my joy, and my avenue to God.

I am just so thankful that he is not a younger man or I would be pretty worried. He attends my gym so I was not thinking he was stalking-he NEVER comes to my house but of course I live with two very strong young men, my sons and one is in ROTC and would not hesitate to brain the old guy if he needed to. But, like I have said before, even senior citizens can pull a trigger.

I am a big believer in dialogue and I have been thinking that if I can explain to him rationally why I broke off with him rather than chase him off like a scalded hound, then he won’t be so antagonistic but I really don’t know how to handle this anymore. Right when I think he is gone he pops up again

I’m frustrated. Deep down I am araid to make him go over the edge.


Oxy, if you’re here HELP if you are not too tired of the gym creep problem LOL.


p.s I am trying to wean myself off LF thinking that my situation is not so bad and then here he comes again and here I am back on here bugging the veterans on this site for advice.
Short of a call to N. Ireland, I really don’t know what the answer is LOL…

Ox Drover

Dear AR,

First off.

1) YOU CANNOT BE RATIONAL WITH THEM (write that 500 times and turn it in or you will have to stay after school!)

2) YOU CANNOT BE RATIONAL WITH THEM!!!! (write it another 500 times just in case the first 500 didn’t sink in!)

What have we been trying to get across to you here on LF–YOU CANNOT BE RATIONAL OR FAIR OR REASONABLE WITH THEM.

The ONLY thing you can do is to NC HIM.

Now, that being said, I would say to him IN A LOUD VOICE WHERE “EVERYONE” CAN HEAR!— I do NOT want to talk to you, I do not want to discuss it. I do not want anything to do with you. If you continue to harass and stalk me, I will call the police and get a restraining order on you.”

Now, he may or may not respect that, but you can ALREADY SEE that he does NOT RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. He is trying to REGAIN CONTROL of you by disrespecting your boundaries!

Now go ye and sin no more, chickie!! Tell that old fart once and for all IN FRONT OF ALL HIS FRIENDS AND EVERYONE YOU KNOW at the gym.You are NOT required to speak to anyone and you are not required to have a REASON other than you don’t want to talk to him.

Then GO IMMEDIATELY AND TALK TO THE MANAGEMENT. Have THEM talk to him. If that doesn’t work—call Northern Ireland! (Joke!)


AR, restraining order?
Or just tell him, loudly and infront of a crowd, that you have realized that he suffers from a personality disorder,known as sociopathy. It explains why he lies cheats steals and lives a parasitic lifestyle. Tell him that his stalking is further evidence of this. Don’t. Lower your voice make sure everyone hears.
This could be a teaching moment for those with hearing range and it could “embarass him” enough to make him stop. Socios hate to be outed.


I am not sure he is a spath maybe some N tendencies. We have a close knit community and he is my elder and in my culture respect for the elder is paramount. I would have to know FOR SURE that he is downright evil before I did that. It’s hard to explain. It’s cultural.

But thanks for the input. I am in a fix here. Sorry about the other post. I think I am paranoid right now. PSTD.



I think talking to the management is my best bet or change gyms. I hate to do that because it is so close to my house. But if I have to I will. My culture is male dominated and I think avoidance is best at this stage.

Thanks again!!

Good nite.


I’ve been following this blog for several months now. I wish I could say that I’m “healing” after learning what I’ve learned . . . . but, I just can’t seem to move on. I guess I’m hitting the one-year anniversary — in which the “truth” was revealed to me and as a result it’s all coming back — the pain, the hurt, the disbelief.

My story is like many others. I was in love and married to someone that I thought I knew, but didn’t. He was the love of my life — my only love. We met when I was 19 — in college. I was an overachiever, he was a fun-loving guy. I thought he balanced me. But in fact, I did all the work in the relationship, paid for everything, mothered him, got him through college, found him jobs . . . bottom line, I believed in him and saw his “potential.” I trusted him and encouraged/supported him to be the person he “said” he wanted to be.

So for 20 years that’s what I did (15 years of marriage). I gave up my successful career to follow his (we moved numerous times due to his job changes), I stayed behind and took care of our two children and the home (while he “networked”), and I stressed over the finances by robbing Peter to pay Paul (so he could maintain his “image” — his words).

And then 4 months after another job move (April) he unexpectedly walked out on me — no warning, no clue. Informed me that he hadn’t loved me for 5 years (3 moves and a child born during that time). It was shocking to everyone — me, the children, our families, our friends. Once gone he started telling everyone how miserable his life had been, how controlling I was . . . that I portrayed a “happy” family to everyone, but behind closed doors it was hell. News to me, and those who knew me well.

Then a few months after our separation (July) I learned he had been maintaining a year-long affair with a woman who he met at conferences. He found someone new to “enable” him. She fed his ego by laughing at his jokes, helping with his job, asking for advice, and more importantly had been traveling across country for their numerous secret rendezvous’ — she paid for the hotel rooms, the dinners, the plane tickets. He found yet another “Sugar Mama” to take care of his every need.

When I exposed him for his countless lies as an adulterer, he took his revenge by having me arrested for assault and then filed papers to take custody of my boys. Needless to say it backfired as people from all parts of my life rallied to my support. The court awarded me custody, and he eventually dropped the assault charges. His reputation in his new hometown was forever tarnished as our divorce in a small town had become a public spectacle.

I moved away to distance my boys and me from him. I leaned on family for emotional support, while I tried to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. But little did I realize that I had only experienced the tip of the iceberg.

In fact, the real truth was revealed to me last November when I found one of his many secret e-mail accounts. I learned that for nearly 10 years he had been maintaining the life of a sex addict. I found photos of him wearing women’s panties and hosiery, communicating with transvestites, women, men, couples. I learned that he had been meeting some of these people for afternoon trysts, and/or maintaining longtime online relationships via phone sex or online chats. I read his invites to his hotel rooms while on business travel, and even when we were on family vacation. I learned that he did most of this while at work (he’s a public employee) or when I was busy with the kids or asleep.

It was unbelievable. The man that I had devoted my life to. The father of my children. The husband that I had put on a pedestal for all the world to see. The fun-loving friend. The good, helpful neighbor. The community leader. To learn that I — and everyone around me — had been duped. That no matter how hard I worked, how much I gave, how much I sacrificed — it was never going to be good enough. He used me for all that he could, he played me for a fool and now he had found a new victim, a new life, a clean slate.

When I confronted him, he at first denied and was cold as ice, and then when I persisted he brought on the crocodile tears. He begged me to help him — so he could have a meaningful relationship with the mistress (now girlfriend). He promised me he would get help. He begged my forgiveness. And I so wanted to believe him, I tried to believe him.

It was then that I began to see what a master of deception he can be . . . the countless lies (I had no idea that every word out of his mouth is a lie), his lack of honor, disregard of others, his insincerity, his empty promises. And I realize it was always there . . . its just I enabled him by either fixing what he did wrong, looked the other way, or pretended that someday it would be different if only I did this or that. Sadly that someday was never to come.

So I’m now divorced, and raising two young boys. I’m starting over with a new job, a new city. I have a lovely home, my finances are better than they ever were with him . . . but, I’m alone. And I keep looking back and wondering how did I let this all happen? How could I — a smart, self-sufficient, independent, outgoing woman — how could I have been duped like I was? and for so long? How could I have brought two wonderful children into this world to only have a father who is shallow of emotion and so self-absorbed?

And, too, I want revenge, I want payback. Yes his life is starting to unravel (but only he and I know this — because he still is maintaining that “image”) . . . his job is a disaster, his finances a mess, he’s drinking more than ever, he has no friends/support in his new hometown.

And though he may still be able to con the girlfriend he sees on the weekends, karma is starting to catch up with her as well. He is emptying her bank account with his sad stories of how I took him to cleaners with child support. And like me, she moved for him (across country — though she’s still 4 hrs. away from him). She short-sold her home losing tens of thousands of dollars and now renting in a high crime neighborhood (she’s been twice robbed). And she accepted the first job that brought her from the west coast to the east coast to only find that it has become professional suicide.

The girlfriend has no idea about his sexual exploits . . . little does she know that she was a pawn in his evil game. And his family has been supportive (but at an arm’s distance) . . . they know there’s something “wrong” but choose to look the other way.

There are days I just want to expose him and his real self — to take away the mask — to the girlfriend, his family, and “friends” who have stuck by him, given him money, been a shoulder to cry on, felt sorry for him. Today is one of those days.

It’s been over a year . . . and I can’t let go.

Ox Drover

Dear Woodrow,

Welcome to LoveFRAUD! You are in the right place. READ and learn. Go through the “true loveFRAUD” stories and read and you can relate to these other people who have been DEFRAUDED and cheated….there is so much alike in these monsters.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are smart, educated, tough, strong men and women here who have just like you been cheated and defrauded by someone they worshiped as their soul mates!

Don’t expect the healing to be quick. BETRAYAL is the worst kind of assault and it will take time, but knowledge is power.

It starts out about learning about them and ends with learning about ourselves. God bless!


Dear Woodrow,

You sound really put together even after all you have been through. There are so many wise people here on LF that can give you some wonderful advice and support.

You will get to a better place, no one can really know what it is to be played like we do. Not until you have been the victim of one of these disordered people.

I’m so sorry for your ordeal. Believe me, you and your beautiful boys are so much better off without him. Who knows what might have happened if he were around and influencing them.

I’m still trying to get mine to leave and found out so many lies in the last few years. Sex addiction and narcissism abound. He is completely unhealthy. He cries his crocidile tears while I found him looking for a mental hospital for me and telling his friends I’m crazy, calling my mom for an intervention. She did not believe him.

They are FREAKS! It’s not you, it never was. You are bright and articulate, there isn’t anything you could have done to change this man. He is sick and needs help but they are not able to benefit from counseling. Even if he were a narcissist and not a sociopath, the prognosis of recovery is dismal at best. Too much for one person to even think they could have made any kind of impact.

He will eventually be found out. He may then decide to move on and con some other poor soul. Thank the lord that it’s not you. Sometimes they are so good at manipulation they can get others to buy into the con. Sounds like he is going down a road of major addiction too. Every addiciton will eventually kill you, one way or another. My therapist told me that and to go to Al-anon meetings.

Please keep posting and the wonderful people on lovefraud will be able to help you through the bad times. So many have been through such pain and have persevered and you will too.



Welcome Woodrow – Yet another familiar story with so much pain inflicted on you. I think the worst thing my X ever said to me was ‘ I have been miserable ever since I came here’. that after years of that fog, that ‘ does he really love me fog ‘ we knew all along something was off – but I understand now…the truth will set you free – but first it will piss you off . despite the fact your having a bad day ( sorry ) I can tell your gonna be just fine – your free to be just fine now..

super chic

Hi woodrow, it sounds like you have already done a lot of work on yourself, I’m doing the same thing. I am glad you have your boys with you, that is the best thing about this whole situation! Since you’ve been reading for several months you already know what a great website this is! Lots of caring & supportive people, they have helped me a lot. It helps to write about your feelings, that will help you “let go”, I’m still working on it myself, not that I want him back here… but just struggling with the thought that the men in my life have all been fakers.



I sadly welcome you to L.F. Your story is indeed like SO many on this site. INCREDIBLE how all these guys are alike. It is INDEED shocking to learn about their secret lives…ESPECIALLLY when we learn HOW LONG it’s been going on. By the time the veil begins lift, we discover that (as one article on LF is called), “They were a lie from hello to goodbye”.

Ox Drover (often called Oxy here) is right. Read, learn, cry, read some more, learn some more, cry some more. The “letting go” is SLOW. It is NOT an overnight experience, NOR is it a decision. You will read how for so many of us, the trauma we live in discovering how we’ve been duped, can often be found in our childhood. In other words, often those feelings we are consumed by now, are feelings we knew long ago. Only NOW the feelings are amplified somehow. As if the gates have opened on what we have ignored within us and then it comes back at us in spades.

I realize this is not true for EVERYONE on L.F., but like so many examples, MANY of us share commonalities. So I thought I’d say it here, in case it rings true for you.

Peace Sister


donna: thanks for this article. it’s all so simple and logical, but for those of us who get caught in the spath-whirlwind, reminders are always welcomed!


Woodrow, welcome to LF. It is very relieving seeing that we are not alone in this and that the incomprehensible has a name and some palliative treatment, but no cure, unfortunately! (NC, knowledge). It seems to me that you already have come a long way in your healing, by aknowledging the “enabling” that has been exploited by the Ex most shamelessly. You left the role of the “Victim” for good and took responsibility! TOWANDA!!!

Even after a long time of having been around here on LF (it will be 2 and 1/2 years soon!) I still discover some parts in my soul I have not dared to look at, and have finally the courage to face MY role in it all and what is my part even today in propagating the evil in our family and to correct it, what is very difficult, especially getting the bitterness out of me in my everyday conversation with close relatives when I let the guard down in triggering situations.

And yes, I also go from time to time to a cache of his homepage still wondering whether he is together with his “new love”., whether he is still in his job he does not like.

Sometimes I feel like an old witch.


Colonel Russel Williams – serial killer, rapist, decorated former commander of Canadian Forces Base Trenton has been stripped of his rank and decorations in the Cdn. army and removed from the forces.

He has plead guilty to all 88 counts he was charged with, including two counts of first-degree murder, two counts each of sexual assault and forcible confinement and 82 break-ins and attempted break-ins. He has been sentenced to 25 years – the max. penalty for each murder (and unfortunately served concurrently).

…and the daily ‘rags’ focus on his ‘perversion’…he photoed himself in the underwear of the woman who he killed, raped, and stole from; he photographed the murder of one of the women, maybe both. i am sorry, but he isn’t ‘perverted’, he isn’t ‘sexually obsessed’ – he’s a spath serial killer. I am a card carrying ‘pervert’. i am truly offended by the trivializing of what was most likely ‘trophy photos’.

there is a lot of press pontificating about his ‘escalation of abuse of women’ and his ‘sexual perversion’. i really think they are missing the point. the judge however did not. in his summary statement he said that williams was ‘without conscience’.

I am trying to track down the transcript of the Judge’s sentencing.

for a reporters transcript of the trial, but not a full transcript of sentencing:

Ox Drover

Dear One_step,

Yea I have read about this guy in the past…he is a MONSTER. Sorry he only got 25 years but hopefully he will be made to do the entire 25 years so will be very elderly if he ever gets out.

Apparently this guy got by with so much because he was able to cover awful behavior with his military status and “manners.”


he was decorated oxy -well thought of and a base commander. and at his rank and in the army, well, he had lots of opportunity and the structure to control people.

i don’t think his wife knew a damn thing. like many of the women here she spent 20 some years with this guy…

Ox Drover

Dear One,

You know, she may not have “known” anything but my guess is that there were RED FLAGS there but she just didn’t know what she was seeing. Looking BACK (20/20 hindsight) we can sometimes see some things that at the time we “noticed,” but couldn’t put our FINGER ON what was “off” about it.

It is like my X BF-the P talking about wanting to burn his cousin’s house for doing something bad to his father—and though my memory isn’t all that great, he kept coming up with DIFFERENT things that the cousin had supposedly done. Then when I heard that his X GF’s house had burned—on a day he was in that town, and he said “Good enough for the bitch” (after NOT acting surprised when I told him about the fire) I KNEW HE HAD DONE IT. Later I found out how the fire happened, and some other stuff and talked to his X GF and we both KNOW IT, but there’s no way to PROVE IT. Arson is difficult to prove. Having been on the Volunteer Fire Department out here we’ve had several arsons and knew WHO did it,but couldn’t prove a thing. Unless you have a video of them setting it, you just about can’t prove anything.

I did make sure he knew if my house burned and I SAW lightening strike it and start the fire that I would “send my boys” for him. I wouldn’t have or had my sons become involved in anything illegal or criminal, but he DID NOT KNOW THAT. So in some instances a good bluff is as good as you need. Letting him know that you have a good video security system is another help as well.


One Step,

Done. I just figured that since it’s SUCH a big place that my comment hardly identified anyone. But in the name of respect, I deleted it. It was not germaine anyway.


One Step,

I couldn’t figure out how to delete it, so I requested deletion and altered it for the time being.


it seems like you really have your act together in so many ways. He was never able to isolate you from your support network of friends and family. Mine tried desperately to do that and largely succeeded because he poisoned me and I couldn’t hold a job from being ill. You are very lucky too because you didn’t get an STD.
You are a very strong and intelligent person and you’ve been reading enough to know that you were involved with a sociopath, so you know it’s going to take time to heal. To make matters worse, you will find that you move 2 steps forward and then 1 step back sometimes, when you get triggered.
I’m glad you were able to post here because it may be what you needed to get you moving forward. We are social creatures, we humans. We rely on each other to validate our perceptions: If my neighbor believes what I believe, then I feel more certain that it’s true. (Sociopaths use this against us when they run around slandering us, they tell stories and the more people that believe them, the more “real” there lie becomes.) The point is, that when you tell us what you’ve experienced and we validate and understand, it will help you heal. On LF, you are allowed to rant and rage and wallow in tears, then let it all out, then laugh, then rinse and repeat. Soon, the slime begins to wash off a little at a time. And when you do this, you are helping others heal too.
They will try to divide and conquer us. We won’t let them.




I didn’t know who I was married to. He was one person with me, another person at work, and someone else in his private escapades. I wasn’t sure what exactly, but knew something was very wrong with him. By that time I was holding my brand new baby boy. My life long little dream come true. I wanted to give my son the very best, not a broken home. I was the happiest and the saddest I’ve ever been at the exact same time. He showed no emotions to our baby or me anymore. Then one day I discovered the truth. The more I searched, the more I found. The more I found, the more I searched. How did he hide so much? Lie so much? Cheat so much? Steal so much? The next round of questions in my head hit me like a ton of bricks. Why me? Why did he play this game with my life? Why did he ask me to marry him? Why did he say he wanted to have a baby? Why did I believe him? How did I not know? It’s going to take some time to forgive myself and trust my own heart again. I don’t know what or if he feels anything at all. I am not focused on getting every question answered like I have been. I would really like to take back my life now. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I don’t feel so alone now, because of you.



Ox Drover

Dear New__day,

I am glad too to not be alone, in a way I wish I WERE alone and that I was the only one that had ever been attacked by a psychopath, but unfortunately, I have plenty of company as so many of us have been.

For only being a small percentage of the population, I think they cause the MAJORITY of the problems in the world…from the “big problems” like wars and depressions/recessions and serial killing to child abuse on a one to one scale. Physical, emotional and financial abuse on all scales.

No, New_day neither of us are alone, and that helps me to realize that I have support, people who do get it and understand, but at the same time, it is depressing to know that there will be an unending supply of people coming here as long as the world stands who need the same information that we have started to learn (the hard way).

An unending supply of new victims for the psychopaths, but we can do our best to educate ourselves, our families and our friends, and the public at every opportunity to the presence of these “creatures” and the “RED FLAGS” of identification.

Some people will get it, some won’t, and some like me will take several “tries” to get it. For those of us who DO get it, and do go on to more healthy lives, the benefits are wonderful! It is worth it! Go for it! Knowledge gives us power! Power gives us freedom from abuse!

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