This week I will propose a strategy for helping a family member break free from a con artist/sociopath. The conclusions I have come to about how best to do this are based on the information regarding the techniques these people employ that I explained last week in Coercive persuasion, mind control and brain washing.
Sociopaths establish control over a person little by little, BITE by BITE. Remember, BITE stands for behavior, information, thoughts and emotions. To help your loved one, you have to BITE back. Take a look at the situation and see how you can gently facilitate your loved one gaining back autonomy over his/her daily behavior. Try to always appear affirming and loving so that it will be difficult for the sociopath to come up with an excuse to exclude you from their lives. See your loved one as frequently as possible. Be a source of real information, in contrast to the lies your loved one is being told by the sociopath.
The sociopath will set up situations that narrow, yet intensify, the range of emotions your loved one feels. Be as much of a source of warmth and encouragement that you can. Try to resist any temptation to disparage the sociopath. The responsibility for recognizing the evil in the sociopath has to come from the person him or herself. If the person complains about his/her life, do not react emotionally, instead be a good listener and point out the feelings you see. If you become angry and say to the effect, “How dare he/she treat you this way!” You will see your loved one defend the sociopath, and make you shoulder the emotions he/she should be having about the situation. Instead, your loved one has to personally own all the negative feelings about the sociopath.
While you should be loving and supportive, don’t render any practical aid as long as the person is still with the sociopath. For example, do not give or lend money or take your loved one in until you are sure the relationship is over. The only exception to this rule is in regards to your loved one’s children. Do not stop babysitting even though this is rendering aid. Chances are the children need a break away from the sociopath.
Realize that your loved one may be subjected to these coercive influence tactics:
• Selective reward/punishment
• Denigration of self and of critical thinking
• Dissociative states to suppress doubt and critical thinking
• Alternation of harshness/threats and leniency/love
• Control-oriented guilt induction
• Active promotion of dependency
• Debilitation
• Physical restraint/punishment
Combat these tactics by bringing up the good you see in your loved one. Talk about his/her past successes. Help your loved one reconnect with a sense of autonomy and competency. Encourage your loved one to be more independent. For example, women often stop driving. If this has happened, say something like, “I always thought you were a good driver.” Use compliments and other supportive comments as much as you can genuinely do so. If you do, the contrast between you and the sociopath will eventually be felt by your loved one.
Patiently wait for the honeymoon phase of the relationship to be over. Since Sociopaths, at first, don’t act like jerks you will have to wait for the “jerk” phase to begin. When the situation escalates and you feel the time is right, you can chance talking to your loved one about the sociopath. Instead of labeling the sociopath, I think you might have more success if you point out that some people “love by control.” You can then name the above tactics that these people use to gain control over others, and give examples of what you have observed here. You can say, “I’ve heard that people who love by control aren’t capable of real love”¦tough spot to be in.” It is very likely that, in the beginning, you will not be able to convince your loved one that the sociopath doesn’t love him/her and is a complete fraud. That is why I suggest you not try to do that. Instead point out the harmful dynamics of control. People need some amount of freedom in order to be healthy and happy.
If you are in this very difficult situation and your loved one is in the grip of a sociopath, don’t give up hope. Every one of us here at Lovefraud was once in that situation. I will be forever thankful that my dear parents were there for me when I needed them most. May that also be your happy ending.
I DON”T understand all of this yet……..
But CLEARLY, God is NOT done with me YET!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LL
LL, Congratulations on your negative biopsy. BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY,, at least glad you had it.
As for son C I kept holding out hope that he was/had change/d but you know, when he crossed the “thou shalt not lie to me” line–and actually he planned this lie in advance, it was not a spur of the moment lie…it was a full on cover up, planned. But he is such a POOR LIAR he gives way to much information which is like waving a big flag that says “I am going to tell you a whopper here.” LOL
At the time I was so convinced he had repented, that he had changed his ways and I had come to trust him again—shouldn’t ever have, truth be told. So when he did lie, and I knew it, I was devastated and went into a tail spin. It blind sided me. When you trust someone and they betray that trust it does that, as I think almost everyone here can testify.
So I melted down last January. But I have resolved those feelings and realized what I am dealing with and that is a man who is not going to change, who is disrespectful of my boundaries, and is basically an “addict”—although there are various opinions of if “addiction” to video games etc. is really an addiction or not. I think it is an addiction because they have shown in various studies that the video games give various pleasure centers of the brain various “charges.” Also, he is ADHD and that makes him more prone to that sort of “addiction.” As well, he is depressed some or a great deal of the time and I have no doubt he has PTSD and he refuses to take any kind of medication for this, and I think part of the reason he refuses is because he likes the “high” of the ADHD and the video games and when he takes the medication (which also is given to adult ADHDs) he doesn’t like the “slower pace” he takes. It isn’t bi-polar but sometimes bpeople with bi-polar refuse to take the medication because they like the high of the manias.
But all of that aside, he is an arsehole. He doesn’t have the criteria to meet the qualifications for psychopathy, but he is a horse’s butt. And at his age he is not going to change, he doesn’t want to change, and I just have to accept the fact that my son, as much as I love him, and I do, is an arsehole, but he has a conscience, he just ignores it, and he has compassion and he has empathy, but he is also selfish and self centered and he feeds his “addiction” and like all addicts, he lies.
I don’t want or need either an addict or a liar in my life. NC works for me. I am glad he doesn’t have any children and he says he has no intention of having any. With his dysfunction and his genetics I’m glad he made that decision, neither one would in my opinion make him a prime candidate for fatherhood.
At this point in time though I am disappointed that he didn’t turn out to be the kind of man I wished him to be, he is not all evil. He is public spirited, volunteered in his community for years on the local fire department, was very kind caring and compassionate to his X-wife’s disabled and dying son. He has a moral compass –it’s just that loyalty to his mother is not high on the list of priorities.
LL –
YIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I also spent the past almost 2 years thinking I might have cancer – some idiot clinic told me in 2008 that the lump in my breast was definitely a tumour, but that it “probably was benign and PROBABLY wouldn’t turn malignant”.
Then the idiot doctor at that clinic pooh-poohed my concerns that I should have it removed and settle it once and for all. I allowed myself to be intimidated by her superior status/knowledge (after all, she DOES run a breast health clinic) and spent the next couple of years hoping it would turn out okay. I finally went to another clinic who gave me an ultrasound and it turned out it was just a fluid-filled cyst, the whole time! That clinic’s doctor was SO cross that the first clinic didn’t just ultrasound me and put me out of my misery in 2008.
More stress, at the height of spathdom, that I didn’t have to have…
Anyway, I’m glad that we are BOTH okay. xx
Ox Drover,
You’re a good person and you’ve helped so many people here at LF and in your life as a whole. Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us. You’re very intelligent, and well read, and I respect you so much.
Dear forgivemyself,
Why thank you, forgivemyself! Life is a learning experience! LOL I’ve taken the classes at the University of Hard Knocks! (“UHK”) LOL but funked a bunch of the classes, but just kept on paying the tuition though and God was patient with me and let me retake the classes until I got some of the gist of it!
I hope I can help others profit from some of the mistakes I’ve made…..and made again and again!
I also realize I wasted a lot of time upset over things that I had no control over, so I’m working on “not sweating the small stuff and realizing it is mostly all small stuff!” (not easy!)
Keep on learning and reading and processing. It does get some easier, but never too easy. Most things worth anything aren’t all that easy anyway, so just keep on putting one foot in front of another. Donna has given us a great place here with lots of great information to use in our healing and the bloggers here are great support! What better thing could we ask for? Nothing I can think of! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Aussie,
It’s an “obvious malignant tumor”. REEEEEEEEEEALLY!
I got the BEST radiologist to do my biopsy. he was SO KIND. I know the differences IMMEDIATELY between N docs and true kind hearted docs………OMG prayers WORK. BOTH docs, initially on this, had POOR bedside manner, and BOTH said the tumor was “obviously malignant”.
I went in BELIEVING that! But this doc was so kind to me. I don’t even have any soreness today. He lidocained me until the cows came home. I felt nothing but a bee sting and pressure when taking the biopsy. He didn’t have to call me till tomorrow, but called me this evening and told me instead. now THAT is kindness. I just KNEW he was kind.
I almost cried. Not just because my tumor is benign for cancer, but at the kindness shown to me by this man and his assistant.
My perspective is different. When he walked in, I expected spath, as I’ve seen SO MANY docs are……..but he wasn’t.
All my friends praying, I believe made such a HUGE difference…..
I have to think on this awhile. The outcome………
On the way to therapy today, I saw exPOS………driving out of a local coney island hot dog place…………chica at his side…….it unnerved me. I didn’t tell my therapist when I got there for my appointment, but my mood was much different……..
There is A LOT to process, a lot Id’ like to share here too for feedback.
Ox, your situation is one I don’ tknow that I could endure….I think it’s safe to say that if we’ve not experienced it, we might not have faired as well………but I’m not sure that’s a fair statement either……but more symbolic of the human soul that is hellbent on survival……..I don’t think we know how we are goign to react until it actually HAPPENS to us………
What else are you to do? YOu live. SOme don’t, I understand. A lot may buckle under all of that…….but the human spirit is one I can’t understand fully, why some prevail and others cannot…
But in either/or situation, I can’t blame them. I know many who hear of my atrocities and wonder why I didn’t swallow a bunch of pills or drink myself to death…………do you know what I mean?
I don’t think those that die from heartache are as weak. Sometimes, especially with all I read here, there are those who are so broken in spirit, so fragile, that they simply cannot endure such incredible betrayal and pain. that’s why hope is so incredibly important for newbies who come here….
I’m rambling. Perhaps from a spiritual plane of relief now…that God isn’t done with me yet. So with the time he has given me, that is so very precious, I want to use to figure out what happened and why…..
ONe of my friends on FB wrote to me………….count EVERY blessing LL, EVERY single one.
I think I know what she means 🙂
LL
LL
THAT’S A HUGE MESSAGE COMING FROM GOD TO YOU!
He is speaking loudly. Telling you to grab hold of your life. It’s a gift He gave you and he wants you to become all that you were meant to be.
That is the message I heard the day I left the spath and sometimes I’ve forgotten it since then, while I wallow in my pity parties. Thanks for the reminder.
My son is married to a sociopath (I think). In the beginning of the relationship, family just thought she was a controlling wife. I have been educating myself lately due to the excelaration of her behaviors and after reading up on the traits of the sociopath and narcissist, she fits most of the profile. I have been witness to her castration of my son for the past 13 years and three children. The relationship started with her pursuing my son and then turning him into her “saviour”. She was always in turmoil. Her father and mother were bad parents and threw her out and she had no where to go. (her story) We fell into that trap as well and took her in. Next thing..she’s pregnant and talks my son into marrying her even though he said he didn’t want to. Plans for a wedding were on…then she says she lost the baby. I was sad for their loss and relieved that they didn’t need to get married now. They could wait. Surprise! Now her mother had cancer and she wanted her mother to see her get married before she died. My son fell for all of it. She has belittled, demeaned, embarrassed my son to the point that he has no friends left. (and no self esteem) She has tried desperately to isolate him from his family, but she needs us as babysitters. When she was pregnant with her second child she called me up at 2:00 in the morning screaming into the phone that my son was beating her. I rushed to their house only to be met by the police arresting her for beating my son. Apparently my son didn’t want to go to bed when she did, and this is what happens when you say no to her. Her brother was witness to this and said she just went crazy for no reason. Another time, after my son just got home from a vasectomy, with doctors orders to ice up and take it easy, she wanted him to babysit the three kids so she could go out. When he refused, she locked him out of the house with no shoes, and he walked all the way to my house holding his testicles…because they had turned black. I can’t tell you everything cause I honestly could write a book on the 100’s of dispicable things she has pulled. My son has left her a couple times only to go back because of the threats with the kids and his own self esteem issues. She is emotionally and physically abusive. Now that she has isolated his friends, she is working on his family. My son is aware of her lies and says he doesn’t know what to do with her. He says she’s crazy and really believes everyone is against her. She never takes ownership for her actions. (She has issues with friendships as well)The saddest part is that she is telling her kids, (ages 10, 8 and 5) that she hates us and is making up stories to them. I know eventually the children will figure this out but in the meantime, it hurts. My son knows she has issues. I just don’t know if he realizes the severity of them. How can I put this in perspective for him. Our relationship is still in tact thus far, but I can’t underestimate the power this women yields over him. When I talk to him, he says, “Ma, I can’t wake up in another house and leave my children with her.” There is so much more, but I am powerless and have to watch as she destroys several lives. Oh..and the most alarming thing to me is….she brags about the time when she was eight years old and hated her father, so she gave her fathers bird a sponge dipped in sugar to eat and then water to drink so the bird would suffocate. Who thinks of this at 8 years old? Help!!!!
KarenMarie,
What a terrible situation. Based on your description, the woman is clearly a sociopath. The issue the becomes, what to do about it?
There are no easy answers, especially when children are involved. You have posted on the best article in the Lovefraud Blog about what to do. In the end, he is going to have to make the decision to leave. You can’t decide for him. Follow the advice in this story.
If your son decides to make a move, he should document everything that happens. Every time she does something that harms the children or alienates them from him. Keep the documents in a place where she can’t get to them – certainly not in his own house.
Nanny Cams and video surveillance would be helpful as well. Check the laws in your state for what you can use them for. It’s also important to not give her any emotional responses – ever. They feed on emotions, so he needs to starve her of them. The more emotions they get, the more they will demand.