Recently a man wrote me saying that his best friend has been more hurtful than helpful when it comes to helping him recover from his relationship with a sociopathic woman. He had the following comment and question. I am sure many of you will relate to this one, especially you guys out there.
I have a best friend who I talked to (of course I desperately needed to get my self-identity back). He instantly tried to help me by seeing my own flaws in the relationship and what I could do better, and stated that I overreacted. Of course, his “help” only contributed to her brainwashing and manipulation because it further fueled my questioning about myself, and further made me believe that I was at fault. This reinforced my guilt and shame in which I can now see that I had no reason to experience.
In this regard, my best friend became my worst enemy because he had no clue. I still believe he meant well, though. Of course, my friend has a good impression of her and have never felt the damaging effect of being in a relationship with a sociopath.
So now I question whether he really is my best friend, since he made matters much, much worse (probably without realizing). How can we get a friend to understand what we have been dealing with, and the damaging effect on our emotional life and our self-esteem / self-respect?
Many of the behaviors and manipulations of sociopaths are entirely beyond the comprehension of the average person”¦or mental health professional for that matter. This past week, someone else told me the story of how he came to realize that his significant other was a sociopath. It turns out that the sociopath faked having cancer. This man told a family member and ask the question, “Who fakes having cancer?” Coincidentally a short time later that family member saw an MSNBC special on con artists where faking cancer was discussed. The person called my friend to say, “Hey I think I found out what’s wrong with ______ she’s a sociopath.” Well the man had never heard of “sociopath” before and had to research it. To his shock his lover met every one of the criteria!
Don’t despair if your friend doesn’t get it. Who would ever guess that there are people who appear normal and even affectionate and yet who are only motivated by power, greed and sex? Although we understand some people have problems with conscience and empathy, we believe that at heart all people want and need the same things we do. Very few understand that sociopaths have different needs and drives.
That gets me to my proposal. I think eventually we will want to go beyond this blog and web site and have a conference or start regional support groups. I think we should consider a conference for victims. I have had the very good fortune to correspond and speak on the phone with some other victims. We can finish each other’s sentences because we know what comes next. The sociopath’s methods are all strikingly similar. Perhaps that is the best evidence there is as to the existence of the syndrome.
I recognize there are many people who do not understand what I went through and who may blame me for my own suffering and the suffering of others at the hands of my former husband. It has been very important to my recovery that I have been able to talk with other victims who know firsthand the mind games and distortions of reality sociopaths are capable of.
Gennyrabbit,
I think for some people you are definitely right, they don’t want to even “think” about what you are saying is “possible” for them or that a “psychopath” could be the BF, the son, the daughter, the mother, the man next door—it would be too frightening for them to even contemplate the truth of what you are saying and so they stay in DENIAL–and that ain’t a river in Egypt! LOL
I remember reading stories about Germany in WWII, and some of the Jewish people were warned early on that Hitler would do what he did, and they just COULDN’T BELIEVE what they were told because it would have been too frightening for them to evne contemplate such a thing could happen. The consequence was that though they were warned, had time to flee Germany before the Holocoust they DENIED it possibility and were caught up and lost their lives as a consequence of their denial.
Denial can be a toxic thing for us, it can cause us to “freeze in the headlights” like a deer on the road, CAUSING us to stand there while the “car” comes on and kills us.
Another thing your story about going to a shelter mad eme think of, my DIL (a P that h ad tried to kill my son C) was released from jail and had no where to go and in our rural area, the sheriff sent her to a DV shelter. My son D drove her from the shelter to where she is staying now and she told him on the way that the people in the DV shelter had tried to convince her that my son C had “abused” her,because he owned a gun, and she had told them, “No, he never abused me.” A while later, though, she decided that “yes, he had abused her” and that was why she and her BF had the guns and the BF was trying to break into the house while she took the phone away so C couldn’t call 911–because they just wanted to TALK ABOUT the abuse!
Sometimes the human being’s capacity to believe what we want to believe even in the face of REALITY defies “belief”–look how much we all “believed” about our Ps, even when the reality was staring us in the face?
Gennyrabbit-
I think what may work is describing the behavior, and perhaps labeling it as a personality disorder. Sociopath is loaded and turns peopleoff, like calling someone crazy.
I gave up for the most part- they either get it, or they don’t.
It is frustrating as hell, but then again maybe it’s better they never lived the exp.
But I think many peoplelabelthem abusers and don’t GET what anti-social means.
HWS,
Yes, I think in some cases you may be definitely right!
I know people who have “done mean things” and are not themselves Psychopaths…heck, I’ve done “mean things” and I don’t think I’m a sociopath or personality disordered.
I think any normal person can do mean things and repent and change their ways.
The Bible itself is filled with examples of people who did HORRIBLE THINGS and yet, they were not psychopaths even thgough what they did would (we think) be HORRIBLE. Look at King David and Bathsheba. He saw her, he wanted her, he took her, he killed her husband–that’s pretty mean if you ask me–criminal. Yet, HE REPENTED. He enabled his P-son Absalom, yet he repented. Changed his ways. Accepted responsibility for his behavior, even his own bad behavior.
Moses murdered a man, though I think it was probably more “man slaughter” than premeditated murder, by today’s standards, he didn’t plan to kill the man, just got angry and killed him because the man was abusing another man.
We all do bad things, but WE HAVE THE CAPACITY to change, and not everyone who has the capacity is willing to change, but the Ps don’t have the capacity to change, or the willingness if they did have.
First off, in order to have the capacity to change, you must accept responsibility, not place blame for your bad behavior on others. Many people who have not been educated to or exposed to Ps (and even some that have been exposed to them) just don’t get it that they aren’t just a “good person” doing a “bad thing” any more than a snake that bites you is just a “misunderstood reptile.” No matter how nice you are to that snake it isn’t going to grow fur, and love you like a puppy, it is a SNAKE and that’s what snakes do.
But because you can’t tell the difference in a P and “normal” people by LOOKING like you can tell the difference between a snake and a puppy, there is a problem with comprehending the REAL DIFFERENCE.
I agree there is a lot of stimga associated with being a victim. Some people tried to encourage me to stay in a relationship with a sociopathic person because they felt sorry for him and were convinced he just was love sick.
“The Gift of Fear” by Galvin Debecker helped me get out of the relationship. The most important less I learned was to listen to my gut feeling.
Even though people quit mentioning him, I get the feeling some people believed he was good for me. I think some people just don’t get it because they haven’t been in a relationship with a sociopathic person. Even the mental health professionals I saw at the time did not seem to understand I was dealing with a sociopath. I was fed a lot of touchy feel good, “if you just be nice to him and ask him to stop he will stop,” type of crap. Unfortunately, many folks have to learn about sociopaths the hard way.
I love the idea of a Victim’s conference! It has been extremely healing for me to receive validation of my story from other victims after so long believing I was the one at fault. Just having others understand and echo my story with their own is more empowering and healing than a hundred sessions with a counsellor ever could be.
Dear Polly,
Many times the feeling that we are NOT validated in our assessments of the P, for any reason, I think is one of if not the most painful part of the whole encounter.
LF, if it did nothing else but to validate us, would be very worth while. Fortunately, it also helps us heal in many ways.
Keep on reading these older articles, tehre is so much wisdom in them. There’s a bunch of ’em too! LOL
It’s quite amazing to see so many familiar names …and so many I don’t recognise. I often wonder about the people who are gone – how they are now 🙂
Thanks for your sweet messages Oxy at the end of my dredge ups of old postings! Hope your week is wonderful 🙂
Liane:
I don’t recall reading this article….Pollyanna….thanks for bringing it back up!
Great article….
I agree….about holding a conference….I’m in….WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP????
Me too – what can I do to help? I am miles away but could do something surely … and give us lots of notice so we can save the plane fare! Or make it available on DVD for distribution to psychologists and counsellors 🙂 Would be wonderful!
we could also look at doing something online as adjunct to a physical conference for those of us not able to attend.
one step