I recently received this note from a reader in Ireland:
The reason I’m writing today is I have a friend who is in the same position has just recently had contact from her 2.5yr old son’s sociopathic father, looking for access.
She is learning all about what having a sociopathic father actually means, has read the book (Just Like His Father?), but is still unsure whether to allow it or not.
What do you think? Any new research? Anything that shows clearly kids do better without contact?
I do not know of any new research on this topic. We previously discussed two papers parents should be aware of; one concerns antisocial fathers and the other concerns antisocial mothers.
Antisocial Fathers
The common belief is that children are better off having a relationship with a father even if that father is a sociopath. In a landmark study, the only of its kind, researchers proved this is not the case. This study examined the children of 171 fathers high in sociopathic traits and 167 fathers low in sociopathic traits. In the two groups taken together, the presence of the father and his caretaking behavior weakly correlated with less antisocial behavior in children. However, when the two groups were examined separately a startling finding emerged. When fathers who were low in sociopathic traits were present in their children’s lives, children did substantially better. When fathers high in antisocial behavior were present in their children’s lives, children did much worse, especially if the father lived with them. The risk of conduct disorder in the children of antisocial fathers doubled when the fathers resided with the children.
“When highly antisocial fathers reside with the family, children experience a double whammy of risk for antisocial behavior. They are at genetic risk because antisocial behavior is highly heritable. In addition, the same parents who transmit genes also provide the child’s rearing environment. We found that a father’s antisocial behavior accounted for his children’s behavior problems independent of any genetic risk he may have imparted, particularly when he resided with the family and spent time taking care of the children.”
-Sara R. Jaffee, Ph.D. and Colleagues
Antisocial Mothers
There has been one scientific study of mothering and sociopathic traits. In this study, researchers linked scores on the sociopathy scale of a common personality test (MMPI-2) taken during pregnancy to later mothering behavior. This test is often given to people undergoing custody evaluation so it is important to know about this study. High sociopathy scores are linked to problem parenting in six areas:
1. Lack of warmth
2. Passivity/neglect
3. Harsh/abusive discipline
4. Inconsistent/ineffective discipline
5. Poor monitoring and supervision
6. Aggressive values
In this study, mothers completed questionnaires and their parenting behavior was observed during two laboratory tasks. Direct observation is very important, because it is difficult to understand sociopathic parenting without first hand observations. During the observation periods, mothers high in trait sociopathy were observed to show a lack of warmth and to use harsh and ineffective discipline. The ineffective discipline of at risk children is just as important in the development of sociopathy as is lack of warmth. Ineffective discipline does not enable a child to learn impulse control. Lack of warmth impairs Ability to Love. The aggressive values cherished by sociopathic mothers also impair a child’s moral development. It follows that sociopathic mothers pass on the disorder to their children by poisoning The Inner Triangle.
Other considerations
Remember all the research can only give you guidelines. Sociopathy is a spectrum and it can be difficult to tell just how affect a mother or father is. Below is a list of questions you can ask yourself when considering a child’s involvement with an antisocial parent. It is my hope that those outside the family making decisions on behalf of children will consider this list as well.
1. How likely is sociopathic parent (SP) to encourage the child to form a bond only to disappear, abandoning the child?
2. How sadistic or potentially sexually abusive is SP? Is there a risk of parental kidnapping?
3. How likely is it that SP will use child to harm others- get new relationship by playing parent of the year?
4. How likely is it SP will use child to harm other parent?
5. Will SP teach antisocial attitudes to child? eg. suspicion of others and pleasure in aggression or getting over on the system?
6. Will SP expose child to other antisocial adults?
7. Will SP be overly permissive and not set limits or neglect the child- Put child in front of TV and not feed him or help him toilet etc.?
8. Will SP induce fear and guilt if the child does not do what SP wants?
9. Will SP be intoxicated infront of child? Will SP drive while intoxicated with child in the car?
10. Is SP doing illegal things and at risk for arrest?
11. Is SP so disordered that to give the child the idea SP is normal will harm the child’s view of humanity?
12. Is SP preoccupied with weapons or own them?
13. Is SP partaking of sexually explicit or violent media and at risk to expose child to these?
14. Will SP attempt to alienate healthy parent?
15. Is SP in treatment or has SP taken parenting classes?
16. Will SP dump child off on other relatives or baby sitter during supposed parenting time?
17. Will SP spend “support money” buying the child’s loyalty by purchasing toys? or taking child places SP cannot in reality afford if SP was supporting child as SP should?
If you can add to the list please do so. I am also looking for your examples of the above.
Reference List
Jaffee S, Moffitt T, Caspi A, Taylor A. Life with (or without) father: The benefits of living with two biological parents depend on the father’s antisocial behavior. Child Development [serial online]. January 2003;74(1):109-126.
Bosquet M, Egeland B. Predicting parenting behaviors from Antisocial Practices content scale scores of the MMPI-2 administered during pregnancy. Journal of Personality Assessment [serial online]. February 2000;74(1):146-162.
Breckgirl,
I am hoping that with the letters my teens write, and the articles that I submit, with my observations and reminders to the attorney of our prevsious discussions, and his advise to the teens, that we will, once again, be on the same page.
I forgot to mention that my daughter recorded a conversation with her father, where he was claiming that the therapist was in total agreement with his actions to hang up on her. This made the therapist sit up. He insisted to the kids that he DID NOT have such a conversation with their father, and he WOULD NEVER have given such advice. It’s not the first time that my ex has claimed the therapist validated his actions, only to have the therapist completely deny having had any contact with the ex, nor would he have agreed to what the ex is claiming.
The therapist has expressed before, “He (the ex) likes to instill anxiety and fear, doesn’t he?”
The therapist has told me that other women in my shoes would have taken more extreme measures. The fact that I haven’t is to my advantage. On the flip side of the coin, when the teens have plotted scenarios to cause their father to flip out and expose who he really is…. as much as I SO want for this, I tell the kids that they will have to live with themselves the rest of their lives. Any behavior on their part that is not totally honest, designed for the pupose of setting another up, will errode their sense of integrity; no matter how justifiable the actions might be. This period of time will not last forever. And, within four years, the youngest sibling will have to make up her own mind about the contact she wants to have with her father. The affects of staying true to their integrity will stay with them forever. Dishonest and manipulative behavior to set another up, will stay with them forever, as well; and, I believe will negatively influence future relationships.
Isabell, I think you are a phenominal parent, and your spiritual sophistication awes me.
I am hoping someone can please help me as to the best direction to take. I have a 3 1/2 yr old son and with my ex P and he has had very little contact with his son and when he has it has been at my direction or my desire to for him to be a father to his son. I have witnessed the negative impact on my son. he doesn’t want to see his father and doesnt ask to either. last weekend I allowed the P’s mother to have my son for an overnight in which his father would bring him home the following day. Needless to say he did not bring him home, as according to his mother he was sick and was in bed..unable to bring my son home. He never called me to tell me he as sick all communication was done through his enabling mother who had to tell me how sorry she felt for her son as he was sooooo sick and she couldnt let him go anywhere as he doesnt have a home and blah blah blah….no regard for my son at all or the damge it has done being stuck there not knowing when he was coming home and having no interaction with his father and not being able to talk to me as they feared he would be upset. I had to have my sister go and pick him up as the mother lives 2 hrs away. no phone call from the P to tell me or explain anything.
I do not have a court order for custody at all. so I know I dont have to allow my son to go with him. My fear is if I go for a custody agreement I will be going for sole physical custody and that opens it up to award him visitation and then its out of my hands. I have enough on him to MAYBE allow him to have supervised visits..but my goal is to just be rid of him. I dont want to battle in court I dont want to deal with his family or have my son endure what he just had to go through being kept away from me.
so, is it better to let it be? or go for a custody order? I am exhausted and run down and dont want to deal..but know I need to protect myself and my son from him.
please..any thoughts..most helpful
endthepain:
Good to see you back.
From a legal perspective, get custody and support agreements in place. They will be your only leverage against S. Anytime he starts something, anytime he doesn’t pay anything, anytime he does anything against you or your son, it will give you leverage over him. Look at this another way, when he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do, you will now be able to document when he doesn’t comply with the agreements. Enough times being dragged into court, he may ulimately want off the hook and then you will be able to move for termination of his parental rights. The sad fact is, until you have something in writing, you will be subject to his whims and craziness and continue to be exhausted and run down.
Consult an attorney – a good one who really has your best interests at heart.
Maybe stop trying to arrange visits – keep a diary – note down that you have arranged visits and what the result has been (as you did above but stick to facts and no emotion unless you are recording your son’s feelings as he has told them to you) and slowly but surely distance your son from his fathers family. Keep a record of any efforts they make to see or communicate with him – or lack thereof – particularly at holidays and birthdays. Then if the day ever comes that they try to take get visitation etc… or take custody from you you will have a written record of his lack of involvement in your son’s life. That will be in your favor. You probably need to have someone validate this as well…
Thanks Matt!
At this point I have gone NC again…and I have cut off his mother, as well. the damage that was done to him in a period of 4 days was incredible. shall I keep the NC while I wait out for the court date..I know the holidays are coming up and he will want to “look good” I do have a mediation appt set for Jan 6 and I am hoping to get a court date that same day, as well for custody. I would like to be able to keep up the NC for various reasons until then. I don’t know if it will look bad when we go to court tho. I have tried to give him so many chances..this time was the last..as I said the damage I see done to my son broke my heart. He doesnt want to see him or even talk to him and he is barely even 4
EB? I want to say, wait. Don’t initiate anything. As long as you don’t you’re not in contempt of court, although you have to be aware that everything you do do can be used against you, so you must be very cunning and make sure all your actions are justifiable.
Once you go to court, you must follow the letter of the law. But so does he. You must weigh this and what is to your benefit. What is his MO. Is he lazy? Will he give up easily, because he realy couldn’t give a shit, or will he put every ounce of energy into defeating you? If t his is a war, you must prepare and do it with the law on your side. You must always be the one who is controlled, reasonable, and sane. No matter what. But, if you think he’s a lazy peice of something, you might be able to escape an horredous ordeal. JMHO. Oxy? EB? What do you think?
Breckgirl….yes I am done trying to arrange visits. Its my fault as I thought I saw a glimmer of hope with him..again….just the illusion.
Its not as if he is breaking the door down or ringing the phone off the hook either. iIts all been done by me…I offer the olive branch…and he stabs me with it everytime.
KIM
Thank you..as that was my way of thinking. his MO is he is a lazy piece of shit..he will not come and fight me for him..he doesnt have the money the means nor the desire to be a fther..only when it is suitable for him. my thought was to just hang back…do nothing..no contact…if I go after him and open the can of worms so to speak..he will look at it like a fight…and once I open it..he would most likely fight just to make himself look good thus putting me and my family thru hell all over again.
endthepain:
As we all know the holidays are a particularly volatile time and when you have to deal with an S they can go off the charts. That said, while you have nothing in writing, I would tread very carefully prior to your court date. You don’t have to go out and try to set up something for S and his son. What I would advise you to do is allow a REASONABLE visit during the holidays — if he requests one tell him he can visit XMAS Eve afternoon from 1-5 at your sister’s house. You do not have to haul your son to his mother’s house or anywhere else. If he kicks, I would simply tell him that your son knows it is XMAS EVe, he is expecting Santa to show at your house, and that you have made plans with your son for the holiday. Period, end of story. Doing this will make you look “reasonable” to the hearing officer/judge. What you want to avoid is him coming at you with charges of parental alientation.