I recently received this note from a reader in Ireland:
The reason I’m writing today is I have a friend who is in the same position has just recently had contact from her 2.5yr old son’s sociopathic father, looking for access.
She is learning all about what having a sociopathic father actually means, has read the book (Just Like His Father?), but is still unsure whether to allow it or not.
What do you think? Any new research? Anything that shows clearly kids do better without contact?
I do not know of any new research on this topic. We previously discussed two papers parents should be aware of; one concerns antisocial fathers and the other concerns antisocial mothers.
Antisocial Fathers
The common belief is that children are better off having a relationship with a father even if that father is a sociopath. In a landmark study, the only of its kind, researchers proved this is not the case. This study examined the children of 171 fathers high in sociopathic traits and 167 fathers low in sociopathic traits. In the two groups taken together, the presence of the father and his caretaking behavior weakly correlated with less antisocial behavior in children. However, when the two groups were examined separately a startling finding emerged. When fathers who were low in sociopathic traits were present in their children’s lives, children did substantially better. When fathers high in antisocial behavior were present in their children’s lives, children did much worse, especially if the father lived with them. The risk of conduct disorder in the children of antisocial fathers doubled when the fathers resided with the children.
“When highly antisocial fathers reside with the family, children experience a double whammy of risk for antisocial behavior. They are at genetic risk because antisocial behavior is highly heritable. In addition, the same parents who transmit genes also provide the child’s rearing environment. We found that a father’s antisocial behavior accounted for his children’s behavior problems independent of any genetic risk he may have imparted, particularly when he resided with the family and spent time taking care of the children.”
-Sara R. Jaffee, Ph.D. and Colleagues
Antisocial Mothers
There has been one scientific study of mothering and sociopathic traits. In this study, researchers linked scores on the sociopathy scale of a common personality test (MMPI-2) taken during pregnancy to later mothering behavior. This test is often given to people undergoing custody evaluation so it is important to know about this study. High sociopathy scores are linked to problem parenting in six areas:
1. Lack of warmth
2. Passivity/neglect
3. Harsh/abusive discipline
4. Inconsistent/ineffective discipline
5. Poor monitoring and supervision
6. Aggressive values
In this study, mothers completed questionnaires and their parenting behavior was observed during two laboratory tasks. Direct observation is very important, because it is difficult to understand sociopathic parenting without first hand observations. During the observation periods, mothers high in trait sociopathy were observed to show a lack of warmth and to use harsh and ineffective discipline. The ineffective discipline of at risk children is just as important in the development of sociopathy as is lack of warmth. Ineffective discipline does not enable a child to learn impulse control. Lack of warmth impairs Ability to Love. The aggressive values cherished by sociopathic mothers also impair a child’s moral development. It follows that sociopathic mothers pass on the disorder to their children by poisoning The Inner Triangle.
Other considerations
Remember all the research can only give you guidelines. Sociopathy is a spectrum and it can be difficult to tell just how affect a mother or father is. Below is a list of questions you can ask yourself when considering a child’s involvement with an antisocial parent. It is my hope that those outside the family making decisions on behalf of children will consider this list as well.
1. How likely is sociopathic parent (SP) to encourage the child to form a bond only to disappear, abandoning the child?
2. How sadistic or potentially sexually abusive is SP? Is there a risk of parental kidnapping?
3. How likely is it that SP will use child to harm others- get new relationship by playing parent of the year?
4. How likely is it SP will use child to harm other parent?
5. Will SP teach antisocial attitudes to child? eg. suspicion of others and pleasure in aggression or getting over on the system?
6. Will SP expose child to other antisocial adults?
7. Will SP be overly permissive and not set limits or neglect the child- Put child in front of TV and not feed him or help him toilet etc.?
8. Will SP induce fear and guilt if the child does not do what SP wants?
9. Will SP be intoxicated infront of child? Will SP drive while intoxicated with child in the car?
10. Is SP doing illegal things and at risk for arrest?
11. Is SP so disordered that to give the child the idea SP is normal will harm the child’s view of humanity?
12. Is SP preoccupied with weapons or own them?
13. Is SP partaking of sexually explicit or violent media and at risk to expose child to these?
14. Will SP attempt to alienate healthy parent?
15. Is SP in treatment or has SP taken parenting classes?
16. Will SP dump child off on other relatives or baby sitter during supposed parenting time?
17. Will SP spend “support money” buying the child’s loyalty by purchasing toys? or taking child places SP cannot in reality afford if SP was supporting child as SP should?
If you can add to the list please do so. I am also looking for your examples of the above.
Reference List
Jaffee S, Moffitt T, Caspi A, Taylor A. Life with (or without) father: The benefits of living with two biological parents depend on the father’s antisocial behavior. Child Development [serial online]. January 2003;74(1):109-126.
Bosquet M, Egeland B. Predicting parenting behaviors from Antisocial Practices content scale scores of the MMPI-2 administered during pregnancy. Journal of Personality Assessment [serial online]. February 2000;74(1):146-162.
Matt and Erin
Is there a way since my son is so young and he has abandonded him since the day he was born, pretty much that I could get an emergency hearing for sole custody.???
There is no consistency with the S, at all…infact he never calls..he never responds when I have called him, which is rarely. Since my son got back from the last visit…which was only supposed to be an overnight and it turned into 4..my son has been severley affected…I couldn even get him to go to school as he is terrified he will not see me again. He is very angry…for only 4..doesnt understand where his dad is and why he doesnt call…the damage I see is breaking my heart..there has to be something I can get in order to protect him so I dont have to go thru this…Its craziness….Ive tried to implement consistency and it just doesnt happen….he goes weeks and week with no contact with my son….I just want peace and to stop this madness and destruction for my son he is to young to have to go thru this!!!
Isabell,
You’ve done and said all the right things concerning your oldest daughter. Now you might add one more thing. Tell her that it’s true that you carry pain in your heart for what she has endured and that this guilt could make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of by someone like your xP who has no conscience. Tell her that the xP serves one good purpose: as an example of HOW NOT TO BE. Whatever a P would do, we must do the opposite and never start down that slippery road toward p-behavior.
Hopefully, she will understand what you mean and not only stop the bullying but also add another perspective to her way of thinking that can help her make better decisions about how to treat people in the future.
Endthepain,
Allowing visitation doesn’t have to mean allowing your child to spend the night. In fact, if you willingly permit it, you may be hard pressed to prove in court that you fear for your son’s well being in his father’s care.
If you do allow visitation without your presence, you may want to keep the responsibility of drop off and pick ups, so you can better control the visit duration. Doing so will also establish your willingness to facilitate visitation, which would go a long way in court.
I’m very familiar with the “too sick” to be a father BS. You can’t make the S a better person or father than he is, even if you ride him and try to hold him to it. Doing so is enabling and codependent behavior; which will take its own toll on you and your child.
It sounds like your child has accepted his father as not being part of his life. Perhaps you are drawing out the inevitable, which may be more painful for your son then letting go. There are options available to provide a positive male influence for your son, through community programs and/or religious institutions.
endthepain:
Are you talking about sole PHYSICAL custody or termination of S’s parental rights.
Sole physical custody is doable in your case since you are the primary care giver. Besides getting sole physical custody you should also get NO VETO POWER which would prohibit S from interfering in decisions you make over your son’s well-being, childcare, etc.
Getting sole (non-physical) custody (termination of S’s parental rights) is problematical under the best of circumstances. Courts are reluctant to shut down a parent completely — as can be seen any day of the week at any prison you choose.
To terminate parental rights you have to make an overwhelming case that S has had no contact with your child, or, if he has had contact the contact has been so detrimental as to imperil your child’s physical and mental well-being, has failed to pay any support, etc. It goes a long way to bolstering your case if you have written custody and support agreements that you can point to to illustrate what his father has or has not been doing.
Another thing you should consider – get the written agreements in place and hold S’s feet to the fire. He may get so bored and inconvenienced that he may ultimately volunteer to terminate his parental rights.
I am the adult child of a sociopathic mother. The interesting thing about her is that she was determined to stay married and she chose the right man. My father was painfully shy and didn’t know how to address conflict. He basically looked the other way and left us to our mother. He only stepped in on rare occasions.
Meanwhile, my mother made sure we were separated from him by whispering one thing in his ear and another in ours. It worked fairly well when I was young, but as I got older, he got wiser and he and I were able to have some sort of relationship.
My brother, sister and I were fairly angry with him for selling us up the river. Since I was my mother’s favorite human punching bag, I caught the brunt of her abuse (still do). It was horrible – like a nightmare – to live in a world where I was always trying to get help by pointing out her lies and abuse only to have her behavior excused and blamed on me.
But I’m glad my Dad didn’t leave.
If he had more backbone, he would have divorced her. Back in those days children stayed with their mother unless there was some obvious problem. While things were tough, they would have been a lot tougher without my father there to keep her feet somewhat nailed to the ground. Lord knows what would have happened to us.
My advice is to do what you can to keep your children away from the Socio parent.
MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE! When your children are age appropriate, start preparing them to deal with their sociopathic parent’s attempts to triangulate relationships. S/he will do everything in his/her power to divide and conquer your children – including coming between them. A child’s desire to believe that their parent loves them is a powerful thing. And socios know it.
My sister and I are in the midst of a huge relationship struggle, thanks to my mother’s triangulation. I could cry a river thinking about the fact that she has been able to manipulate my sister to make her feel guilty and me angry. I know we’ll get through it, but it’s a rough haul. If only my sister could see my mother for what she really is. One day.
Dear Isabell,
I totally agree with matt, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. If you continue to allow this adult child to ABUSE YOU and stir up trouble in YOUR HOME because she thinks she can black mail you, you are ENABLING her. Actually she sounds to me like she is high in psychopathic traits herself.
My two adult sons both live with me, and both contribute financially and with labor to the upkep of our home, but it is MTY HOUSE and my rules, we do not and WE WILL NOT treat each other with disrespect.
I will NOT walk on egg shells around them to keep them from explosing and acting out. I think this older daughter is a bad example for your younger kids, and I am sure that she will use her son’s affection for you (as she has already demonstrated) as a HOOK to keep you subservient to her abuse. I’m being very blunt here Isabell, but one way or another if you don’t get control of your own house by setting boundaries with this woman (your adult daughter) all hell is going to break loose and it will not be for the benefit of you or your other children or your grandson. God bless you isabell, I know you are in a squeeze between the devil and the deep blue sea. iI’ve been in the SAME SQUEEZE and it was only when my life and sanity were at risk thatI finally chose to get out of that squeeze at whatever price it cost. BUT I AM SO TOTALLY GLAD I DID!!! It hurt at the time, but in the end has been well worth it. At the time I left, I hadd to leave behind one of my sons that was duped by his P then wife.
Matt
Yes..I am referring to Sole custody ..I will ask for supervised visits altho I would rather ask for none..he has not paid child support in over a year and what was paid was garnished…the emotional damage he has already inflicted in my son is coming out on a daily basis..the anger…the tantrums..the not letting me go..feeling like i am going to abandon him..etc etc…I found out the S was offereed hs old job back and so I informed the sate and they will start garnishing immediately. with everything he has done to myself and my son over the past 3 yrs….all documented thru the courts for support..I cant see where a judge would rule in his favor at all…I have done so much research now and see how his mother is a narcissist and his ex wife too…its all so crazy and I just want my son as far away as possible with the least amount of damage.
Runningaway: Wow, your post rang true with me. My mother is a N/S as well and my father stayed true-blue to her until he died of a massive heart attack at 60.
I had never really considered what life would have been like for me and my brother had he divorced her. Her behaviour since his death has become increasingly bizarre and sadistic and I realize now my Dad really did keep her “grounded.”
I’ve always thought my Dad died because of the stress he was under and wished he’d have had the opportunity for a better life without my mother. But that would have meant disaster for me and my brother. Maybe he knew it.
Thanks for the insight.
This subject, like many of us here, is actually what brought me to this site. I wondered, how am I going to coparent with this abusive controlling intimidating person and how do I prevent him from punishing our daughter for his own self-hatred? Here is the decision I made, which was right for me. I refuse to allow this man to abuse me in any way: No contact. His subsequent campaign to discredit me to his friends, my friends, family, my job has taken its toll. He has told me that he will make our daughter hate me the first chance he gets, just to get back at me. It has taken a team of people to get me through this. My lawyer , my parents (for love and yes, money for legal fees), my therapist (for stress), my doctor (for insomnia), my friends, my boss (for time off for court dates and medical leave due to the stress) and most importantly, my little daughter, who will grow up with both compassion and boundaries. I have been emotionally damaged by this process, but she hasnt been. My therapist said to me, “I forget sometimes how someone who is a functioning, well adjusted mature person can be brought to their knees by someone with a personality disorder. But you will be fine and I’m rooting for you”.
Thank you for everyones comments on this subject. It really helped to hear other parents stories about coping and parenting and keeping our children safe from emotional and physical harm.
Dear Sadie,
I’m glad you are fortunate enough to have such a wonderful support system! I know it helps!
I am also glad that you found your way here. Hqave you also checked on Dr. Leedom’s site about co-parenting and raising the at risk child, or read her books? If not you should do so.
She is also raising an “at risk” child so she has a great deal of experie4nce as well as empathy for your situation.
You can connect to her blog on the links here on LF.
Glad you are here and glad your child has you for a mother! Your P sounds just so P-ish, and it sounds to me like you are handling things quite well. ((((hugs))))