I recently received this note from a reader in Ireland:
The reason I’m writing today is I have a friend who is in the same position has just recently had contact from her 2.5yr old son’s sociopathic father, looking for access.
She is learning all about what having a sociopathic father actually means, has read the book (Just Like His Father?), but is still unsure whether to allow it or not.
What do you think? Any new research? Anything that shows clearly kids do better without contact?
I do not know of any new research on this topic. We previously discussed two papers parents should be aware of; one concerns antisocial fathers and the other concerns antisocial mothers.
Antisocial Fathers
The common belief is that children are better off having a relationship with a father even if that father is a sociopath. In a landmark study, the only of its kind, researchers proved this is not the case. This study examined the children of 171 fathers high in sociopathic traits and 167 fathers low in sociopathic traits. In the two groups taken together, the presence of the father and his caretaking behavior weakly correlated with less antisocial behavior in children. However, when the two groups were examined separately a startling finding emerged. When fathers who were low in sociopathic traits were present in their children’s lives, children did substantially better. When fathers high in antisocial behavior were present in their children’s lives, children did much worse, especially if the father lived with them. The risk of conduct disorder in the children of antisocial fathers doubled when the fathers resided with the children.
“When highly antisocial fathers reside with the family, children experience a double whammy of risk for antisocial behavior. They are at genetic risk because antisocial behavior is highly heritable. In addition, the same parents who transmit genes also provide the child’s rearing environment. We found that a father’s antisocial behavior accounted for his children’s behavior problems independent of any genetic risk he may have imparted, particularly when he resided with the family and spent time taking care of the children.”
-Sara R. Jaffee, Ph.D. and Colleagues
Antisocial Mothers
There has been one scientific study of mothering and sociopathic traits. In this study, researchers linked scores on the sociopathy scale of a common personality test (MMPI-2) taken during pregnancy to later mothering behavior. This test is often given to people undergoing custody evaluation so it is important to know about this study. High sociopathy scores are linked to problem parenting in six areas:
1. Lack of warmth
2. Passivity/neglect
3. Harsh/abusive discipline
4. Inconsistent/ineffective discipline
5. Poor monitoring and supervision
6. Aggressive values
In this study, mothers completed questionnaires and their parenting behavior was observed during two laboratory tasks. Direct observation is very important, because it is difficult to understand sociopathic parenting without first hand observations. During the observation periods, mothers high in trait sociopathy were observed to show a lack of warmth and to use harsh and ineffective discipline. The ineffective discipline of at risk children is just as important in the development of sociopathy as is lack of warmth. Ineffective discipline does not enable a child to learn impulse control. Lack of warmth impairs Ability to Love. The aggressive values cherished by sociopathic mothers also impair a child’s moral development. It follows that sociopathic mothers pass on the disorder to their children by poisoning The Inner Triangle.
Other considerations
Remember all the research can only give you guidelines. Sociopathy is a spectrum and it can be difficult to tell just how affect a mother or father is. Below is a list of questions you can ask yourself when considering a child’s involvement with an antisocial parent. It is my hope that those outside the family making decisions on behalf of children will consider this list as well.
1. How likely is sociopathic parent (SP) to encourage the child to form a bond only to disappear, abandoning the child?
2. How sadistic or potentially sexually abusive is SP? Is there a risk of parental kidnapping?
3. How likely is it that SP will use child to harm others- get new relationship by playing parent of the year?
4. How likely is it SP will use child to harm other parent?
5. Will SP teach antisocial attitudes to child? eg. suspicion of others and pleasure in aggression or getting over on the system?
6. Will SP expose child to other antisocial adults?
7. Will SP be overly permissive and not set limits or neglect the child- Put child in front of TV and not feed him or help him toilet etc.?
8. Will SP induce fear and guilt if the child does not do what SP wants?
9. Will SP be intoxicated infront of child? Will SP drive while intoxicated with child in the car?
10. Is SP doing illegal things and at risk for arrest?
11. Is SP so disordered that to give the child the idea SP is normal will harm the child’s view of humanity?
12. Is SP preoccupied with weapons or own them?
13. Is SP partaking of sexually explicit or violent media and at risk to expose child to these?
14. Will SP attempt to alienate healthy parent?
15. Is SP in treatment or has SP taken parenting classes?
16. Will SP dump child off on other relatives or baby sitter during supposed parenting time?
17. Will SP spend “support money” buying the child’s loyalty by purchasing toys? or taking child places SP cannot in reality afford if SP was supporting child as SP should?
If you can add to the list please do so. I am also looking for your examples of the above.
Reference List
Jaffee S, Moffitt T, Caspi A, Taylor A. Life with (or without) father: The benefits of living with two biological parents depend on the father’s antisocial behavior. Child Development [serial online]. January 2003;74(1):109-126.
Bosquet M, Egeland B. Predicting parenting behaviors from Antisocial Practices content scale scores of the MMPI-2 administered during pregnancy. Journal of Personality Assessment [serial online]. February 2000;74(1):146-162.
In my case, the ex is “covering” for his bad behavior and subsequent job loss with public lies— in front of our children. This creates doubt and confusion for them…unbalances them and makes them tired and angry.
One child even began to question all that she had seen and heard over the past year; this led to questioning what the “truth” really was about our divorce (serial affairs were discovered).
I wonder what happened to the woman I posted to, apparently she never came back here.
Flower, another mother I know, her X has won custody of their child, and has actually started usinhg the gaslighting to convince the child that he hadn’t lived with his mother since about age 2, though he is 8 or 9 now, and “daddy dearest” has only had him completely for a year or so.
TWISTING REALITY is not that hard in children and they actually can distort what they “remember” to what was implanted in them. Heck, it works with adults, why njot with kids? It is called GASLIGHTING.
Yes we are in full blown child gaslighting here. Twisting reality and rewriting history. Thank God they are teens and dont buy much of it.
And my divorce complaint spelled out in great detail what Mr. Gaslight did; and he had to admit to it all…documentation that enraged him. And he is so arrogant that he is rewriting that!
Dear Flower,
Well, it at least helps your kids are somewhat older, it must have really made your X MAD that you documented all this bad deeds in court! OUCH! They do not like that!
Babies are ‘born to be criminals’
Not sure if this appropriate but I often see partners of spaths asking about their children. Here is a bit of research just out………..
By Danny Buckland 22/02/2011
FUTURE criminals and psychopaths could be identified from just six months old, brain experts said.
Babies with an abnormality in their limbic system – the brain’s emotional core – committed more crimes as adults than those without it, Dr Adrian Raine found.
The psychologist told the American Association for the Advancement of Science in Washington DC:
“Seeds of sin are sown quite early in life.
“The time is going to come when we are going to be able to say reasonably well which individuals at a modest age, say eight to 10 years old, are predicated to become criminal offenders.”
He added: “Are we going to intervene at an early age, even though the prediction will never be perfect?”
Dr Raine is now conducting trials to see if Omega 3, a fatty acid that helps build brain cells, improves behaviour in aggressive children.
He said: “It’s very simple – bad brain, bad behaviour.”
It will be an interesting piece of research. I know that a lot of people see Omega 3 as the ‘brain food’
Interesting research! Will look this up. Sometimes Articles ABOUT research sensationalize the outcomes and are not entirely accurate about what the research actually showed.
Ox – I agree. Depending on what questions are asked as this will influence the outcome.
eg Question: Do we prefer apples or oranges? (loaded question) cos actually we prefers pears! But as that is not in the ‘answer’ the outcome is skewed.
And yes, I have seen many research results for arthritis, the ‘miracle cure’ but I’m still waiting for the pill to materialise!
Dear Candy,
Yea, the pill that “melts fat off while you sleep” is the one I am waiting for! Or the miracle cream that “dermatologists don’t want you to know about” that makes your skin as smooth as a baby’s butt! LOL ROTFLMAO
Back when the Phen Fen diet pills were the craze and some doctors were passing them out like candy, I used to tell patients “do you think everyone in this clinic would be FAT if those worked?” (we had some REALLY over weight people in our clinic staff) Actually they did help a bit in losing it but most people gained it right back because they didn’t have a life style change to go with the pills, BUT there were also some bad side effects.
It is unfortunate that there are so many “side effects” to anything you take in the way of medication because humans are NOT simple machines. So we have to take a lot of things into the equation of to take or not to take, or to do this or that….I’mm trying to “get real” with my diet, exercise and addictions (nicotine is my drug of choice) and I do take some medications (primarily aspirin, tylenol, 1-a-day-vitamins and an antidepressant) moderation, but I know there are associated RISKS as well. I recently had to change the antidepressant as it was the generic of that brand and the second dose was keeping me from going to sleep at night—and I’d had BAD problems with falling asleep at night, not realizing that it was a SIDE EFFECT of the medication. (Even my psych-doctor didn’t put the 2 and 2 together on that one and just rx’d a sleeping pill)
So you know there are some big problems with medications and other “treatments” and there are NO miracle drugs! LOL
Now now Ox – think of your blood pressure. All that rolling on the floor will send your BP sky high!
Hi. I think I should share how great my kids have done without their SP father. I have always wondered if my kids sperm donor was an S. Now, after speaking to him after 8 years of nc, I very much believe he is. I could never understand how he could just abandon them, happily, and not give one thought to how they are. I did not know about S/P/N back until the past year or so.
Their dad was a complete jerk though. My son is 8 years old then my daughter, and my son did have contact with my ex when he was younger. My son hated him, and he hated going with him anywhere. BUT his sperm donor (he is not a real father so that is all I call him when the kids are not around) would buy him neat toys when he did decide to see him. My ex only saw our son a couple of times a year anyway. He was too busy with his gf doing Meth (had no clue at the time).
I had gotten back together with him (for my son. I was young and dumb lol) and that is how my daughter came about. (I was on monthly birth control shots from my doctor, but somehow ended up pregnant. Go figure.) We broke up before she was born, due to his arrogant nasty attitude. He did not seem the same person he was when we were younger (probably partly due to the Meth he had done before that I was clueless about).
The last time I saw him was in the hospital when she was born. He signed the birth cert, and that was it. He disappeared, and we had no clue where he was or if he was even alive.
Well, his gf got ahold of my son last month. My son went to dinner with his sperm donor. After he returned home, he asked if he ever ‘had’ to see him or talk to him again. Of course I told him he didn’t ‘have’ to do anything he didn’t want to. My ex is very good looking, seemingly intelligent, and acts quit friendly and nice, but something about him creeped my son out. My daughter didn’t care to see him at all, as she doesn’t even know him. (she is 8 now, btw)
Anyway, my kids are not screwed up from not having a father. My son is very thankful that he wasn’t stuck growing up with him. I was scared when I was younger about them not having a dad around. Now, I think I made the right decision. Both of them are very smart, and great in school. Both are very loving and nuturing children. They don’t lie, cheat, steal, and they are always concerned with other people’s feelings. They are just very loving, caring people.
I am proud of them, and proud of myself for listening to my instincts about parenting, instead of everyone else telling me the opposite. I used to get a hard time from a lot of people, because I didn’t let my babies cry or crap like that. I naturally did attached parenting, but that is what I felt to be right inside.