Tough Cookie wrote:
I have found that sociopaths often tend to be abusers of drugs. In my case, my sociopathic boy friend was addicted heavily to drugs. It seem to me that sociopaths and drug addicts tend to hold very similar characteristics (i.e. manipulative, selfish, impulsivity). How is one able to tell the difference between the characteristics of sociopath and the characteristics of a drug addict?
You made a very good observation, that is, many sociopaths are addicts/alcoholics and many addicts/alcoholics have sociopathic tendencies. Remember, sociopathy is a spectrum, with mild, moderate and severe cases. Severely sociopathic people are called psychopaths.
Why the link between sociopathy and addiction? If you have read the material on this blog and on my website http://www.parentingtheatriskchild.com, you know that I propose that the best way to understand sociopathy is to consider the Inner Triangle. Addicts/Alcoholics have severe impairment of the Inner Triangle. I believe impairment of the Inner Triangle causes addiction in people who expose themselves to substances of abuse.
Coincidentally your choice of adjectives manipulative, selfish, impulsivity directly corresponds to the Inner Triangle! Selfish relates to an inability to love-the base of the Inner Triangle is Ability to Love. Impulsivity relates to Impulse Control and manipulative relates to Moral Reasoning- the sides of the Inner Triangle.
Why would an impaired Inner Triangle lead to addiction/alcoholism? The short answer is that balance in life means that loving the people in our lives has to be our greatest pleasure. When other things are more important to us than love, we become susceptible to substance abuse. People who are also impulsive and who lack moral understanding, do all kinds of things trying to fill the void caused by an inability to love.
As mentioned the sociopath involved in my life has a drug problem. He is supose to seek treatment very soon but I have my doubts.
He blames his distructive behaviors towards himself and others because of his drug use. I think that is just an easy co-out for not taking responsibility. I guess I am just wondering that if he does seek treatment for the drugs will it reduce his hurtful behavior?
I do not think that it will…This sociopath lies for the sake of lying. I think this is just a way of life that is ingrained in his nature.
If someone really works a recovery program and is able to both immerse himself/herself in the program AND stay clean, the Inner Triangle can improve. It take years, however, so I would not recommend taking a person “back” until he/she had proven recovery for a long period of time. This kind of recovery usually entails assuming a leadership position in a group like AA.
I definately know that its up to the person seeking recovery to make the best of it.
I do not paln on taking him back. What angers me is that he strings me along. He said that he needs help for his drug problem but that after he has completed the program who’s to know what might happen?
I know its complete BS. I am mad that this person has seen me desperate and loss a complete sense of self respect. He saw me at my worst. Sociopaths thrive on others weakness and because my heart was weak ( I was inlove with him) he saw me act in ways I would never of imagined.
I know that’s the past/ I just don’t want him to think of me as a push over.
I wish there was some way to sting him where it hurts. To get him back even just a lttle bit.
The best and only revenge is not to have any contact with him ever again for any reason.
my sociopathic ex was also an addict, a sex addict in his case. I broke up with him after I found out he had visited massage parlour. He was also addicted to porn on the Internet, I once catch him looking at porn first thing in the morning (5 Am). After we broke up, he tried to convince me to take him back, saying he was in therapy. We were apart for two months before I found out he was back with his ex. I had no contact with him since that (2 weeks ago)
But I’m pretty sure that all his talk about beeing in therapy or not going on the Internet was a lie to win me back.
I know this may be a silly question…But how do you know when your partner is a sex addict and not just a male who likes pornography?
My ex liked to watch porn. I found this out when we started to live together and I got the cable bill which was a lot higher than usual. Turns out he ordered several adult films and didn’t tell me. He said he was too embarassed and didn’t knwo how to tell me himself. He said he would not order any more movies so I let it go, but the next month I saw more adult film charges. I took the adult films off of my cable programming so this would not happen again.
I found out that porn was also an issue that caused several fights between him and his ex girlfriend as well.
I guess I am asking how do you know when a person like this is a sex addict and not some one who is just really digs porn?
This is not a silly question, it is not easy to tell them apart. I guess I knew that he was sex addict when he started lying about it. He was on the Internet early on the morning while I was still sleeping and late at night. He told me it was for work or other things (a lie). If I turn my back five minutes (for a shower or going for a walk) he would be looking at porn, which I found out later. I know that he was looking at some porn, but when his behavious started to be suspicious, I confronted him about it, he will say that this was normal behaviour and get angry at me for spying on him. At some point, I started doing just that, spying him on the Internet and going through his things. Found out about the massage parlour, the two-times a day porn addiction, the multiples women on his msn contact list.
I know that some sociopath have a very high sex drive and have no trouble having multiple partners. So I dont know if his sexual addiction was part of his sociopathic personality or not. I just know that his behavious was inacceptable and more than just digging porn. Porn was his constant preoccupation.
I understand that some men enjoy porn. My boyfriend before the sociopath wasn’t into it that much so it was never really a problem.
I guess what bothered me about it so much was the ‘sneek factor’. I think alot of men like doing things behind their girlfriends backs and that is partially what gives them pleasure.
My ex knew that I was going to eventually find out from the cable bill that he racked up some movies. It pissed me off that he did not have the common curtousy to tell me himself. And even when he told me that he wasn’t going to order any movies I would still find that he would buy stuff and claim that they were not his purchases.
Similarly to you deedee, I had gone to sleep several times and caught him looking at porn while I was in bed. Or other times, I would take a bath and find out later that he had again been looking at movies. The lies about the porn drove me crazy. I Figured that if he lied about something like this who knows what else he would lie about.
Low and behold my imagination was never at the same seed of the reality of things when it came to his lying capabilities…
>>People who are also impulsive and who lack moral understanding, do all kinds of things trying to fill the void caused by an inability to love.
Arlene, Arlene…..
Thank you posting your story. Your words could be my own. My children had lived with me for 13 yrs. and in a nano second they were gone. One is grown, but the 16 yr old daughter now lives with her sociopathic father. My therapist fears that she may have some of those characteristics as well. This is my child that I prayed for, and we have always had an amazing relationship. Now, I am a rabid monster to both of these children. What is the common denominator in both situations? You’ve got it……dear old dad. Keep your chin up, girl. I’ll try to keep mine up too. I have no idea HOW he did this, but hind sight is 20/20. I feel like a complete idiot for trusting him for a second, but after so many years…I thought he could reason w/ our daughter. No, he made Mom who has always been there taking care of her, mean and crazy in her eyes….just because I said “no ma’am….you will follow the rules”….and my life is upside down. Arlene, pray. God is in control, and I am so sorry that you miss your children…..I do too….but it’s like FootPrints In The Sand…..He is carrying us but we won’t see it until we get there.