By | May 2, 2007 24 Comments

ASK DR. LEEDOM: Why does it seem I know more than the experts?

Lately, many readers have added insightful comments to this blog. I would like to share this one and add that you may indeed know more about sociopathy than the so-called experts.

As far as charisma in sociopaths goes, my theory is this:
if a sociopath has no conscience (and no guilt), he or she might often be in a better mood – or at least appear to be in a better mood – i.e; generally more upbeat and seemingly happy with whatever is going on – than the average decent non-sociopathic person dealing with the typical ups and downs of daily life.

I have heard that when someone is feeling happy, his or her facial expressions. tone of voice, and even their pheramones and neuro-chemicals are probably more “attractive” or magnetic to others around them.

Therefore, is it possible that these happier neuro-chemicals, and aspects of body language – are responsible for increasing their charisma?

Also – if a sociopath experiences no guilt or remorse for their actions against others, and in fact does not even possess a conscience with the same rules and ability to empathize that non-sociopaths hold dear, then that would suggest that the sociopath is perfectly congruent in their happy, good moods; even when others around them are going into chaos, confusion, financial/emotional ruin, etc. as a result of the sociopath’s involvement in their lives.

And the congruency is what is so confusing and dumb-founding to the victims, because – it appears that nothing is wrong – at least from the sociopath’s view-point. I’ve heard that the congruency of a sociopath in believing their own lies is what often enables them to take a lie detector test, and pass with flying colors, because they don’t think they’re lying! (Although they are usually so intelligent, I wonder how they can not NOT know that they are lying”¦)

Further, let’s say I’d become addicted to the sociopath, and trusted him or her. When doubts came up in my mind, because of tiny indications that the sociopath was in fact a liar and perpetrator of fraud, hurt, deceipt, etc., I would then be dealing with “brain-fog” – a sense of odd and incomprehensible self-doubt, because afterall, my esteemed and trusted new friend (or counselor or spouse or whatever) certainly seems clear-headed and confident, so he/she MUST be more level-headed, and probably more right about what’s going on than I am!

An intimate relationship with a sociopath can undermine your confidence in your own intuitions. Believe me, no professional understands the sociopathic mind better than a victim. These posts prove that. Even Robert Hare states in his book, Without Conscience, that being fooled by a sociopath lead him to do his research.

Sociopathy is a condition that cannot be understood from afar or from reading books. Indeed, many professionals do not understand this condition even though they have dealt with it in practice. Personally, having interviewed many people who had sociopathic traits, kept me from seeing how different true sociopaths are from the rest of humanity.

The positive mood of sociopaths is the one feature that fools many professionals, including psychiatrists, lawyers and judges. Indeed the positive mood and confidence of the sociopath often stands in sharp contrast to the depression and helplessness of the victim.

If you feel your therapist doesn’t understand what has happened to you, you are not alone. In fact, you may be helping to educate your therapist, who can experience the impact of this condition through you. Most importantly, work to regain confidence in yourself and in your ability to be an observer of people. Chances are you are wiser than you think!

Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
Notify of
tough cookie

It’s interesting because it seems like alot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and distruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.

Why is it that sociopaths are so hard to get rid of? I understand that they will stick around untill they are completely cut off by the victim or when there is nothing more for them to take from us, but why is so hard for us mentally?

I have not experienced this issue with past partners…Sure you are sad after a break up, but I feel tormented by thoughts of the sociopath. Its alot like they still have control of us after they are gone. This drives me crazy. Is it perhaps because they have hurt us so bad? Or because of all the lies, not knowing the truth of reality?

There must be some thoughts on this topic. Please help me understand.

Tough cookie:

I just found an article that may help:

Emotional Memory Management: Positive control overy your memory, by Dr. Joe Carver.


It has been eight months since the man I was living with broke
off our relationship. He was a Dr. with a long history of
drug use, girlfriends, an ex wife and he also is still married but
won’t let go of her. He enjoys making others suffer. He has no conscience, no feelings, and no guilt for any lies he has told.
His favorite comment was always “I feel it’s better to tell the truth, I do” and now that his legal wife and I have discovered the truth
together, we have found that he had lied to her the entire eight
years of marriage (he won’t follow through with the divorce,
he left her for me) and he informed me of who is next wife will
be while he was still living with me, still married and having
“affairs” while with me.
I was set free when he had a psychotic breakdown due to drug
use and was arrested, of course he was out within 10 hours
and terminated me from my job, threatened me with legal
assaults and restraining orders for “slandering” him, I finally
was able to tell the truth about him for the first time in almost two years. He accused me of embezzlement, stealing, made false accusations against me that I abused my children, and
slandered me to the unemployment office so that I would not
get unemployment benefits. I stayed a step ahead of him, but
he didn’t know it. These county workers and state offices
knew the truth about him within minutes of these accusations he
made against me. I was fortunate and some victims are not
that lucky, but we had gathered evidence quickly and he lost
his medical license due to drug use, mental illness and
sexual misconduct with patients, and a long history of these
same issues. We only knew what he told us, and we believed
him, after all, he was a Doctor.
I am finding it is taking more time than I would like to be rid
of the memories, and the worst part is remembering events that
I had not remembered months ago, not knowing when I will stop
remembering these things that happened, and conversations I
had with him when he twisted every word to make me seem
mentally ill. He blamed everyone in his past for his problems and had everyone in his office convinced that all the ex’s were
unstable. Well, we have all caught on, and I have been told
many times that he is not thinking of me as much as I am thinking of what he is doing, who is he with and what will he
do next. The legal system has worked in this situation due to him being a local Doctor. But there has been no blood shed so
they haven’t decided yet if I am officially a victim.
I have to tell myself often that this is temporary. We won’t feel
like this forever. But we have the right to be upset and afraid
and worried for some healing time I think. My feelings of this
man still having control over me are fading, after eight long months of being paralyzed to the point of where I could not get
off the sofa. I stared at the walls for weeks, I have been feeling
so defeated because I believed him, and I think it is not so much
losing him, than it is having to have held onto the truth I knew
deep inside but couldn’t do anything about.
I try to keep busy, but I still wonder who is tricking me, who
is lying to me, can I trust the grocery clerk, is so and so
manipulating me. I have not found therapy yet. I have asked
for help but I feel like no one cares. I am the victim and he
is getting the help. I have lost some friends due to my relationship with this man. But I am learning to stay near
“safe” people. Find a good definition of safe relationships for
yourself as I am. I had a friend for years…. she asked me how
I could have been involved with such a man when she had
warned me about him. Well, she is no longer a safe person for
me to contact. I have been told that I cannot let him win, and
I haven’t but it has not been easy due to the thought patterns
he left me with. I was his last dance partner (we never went
dancing) because I saw the truth and wasn’t afraid of him
and telling the truth about him although he slandered me and
made uncomfortable accusations against me, I stood up to him.
I hope you feel better, tell yourself this is temporary because it
is. I am finally off the sofa and funtioning, most days anyway.
I am alive, healthy, have my children, and he most likely
has another pretend relationship, no identity left and nothing
but crumbs to pick up. I have been fortunate enough to have
much support throughout this time, and give yourself time.
No contact is the best thing. I wanted to hang on to, just in case
he changed his mind about me.
When I met his wife and saw her suffering I knew it was over.
He isn’t going to win. We won’t let him.
It may not even be a matter of winning or losing but remember
they don’t care about us so don’t care about what he is doing.
One hour at a time is how I have made it this far.


One last thought, I have given up on finding a therapist because
it is very true, that only victims of a sociopath understand how
they work, although counseling could offer the tools to put it
all together, yet I think I know better than anyone how to get
through this. I will continue to keep you updated.
I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most
uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.
I found it helps to get rid of all memories, cards, emails, etc
and not to watch horrific movies that cram my mind with destructive thoughts. That has helped my thought patterns
and I also have been told to be thankful that at least he will
not practice medicine again, the rest is “icing on the cake” if
there are further charges. That has helped me through one
more day. I am working on figuring out the thought pattern
thing also.


I have met experts who did identify immediately that I was dealing with a sociopath ONCE I REVEALED THE DETAILS. I will not believe that they could determine it on their own, The sociopath was too happy, too charismatic, too confident, too good a liar for ANYONE to know better, not even professionals. THEY NEED THE BACKGROUND INFORMATION to see through the lies. I went into therapy while in the relationship because something was bothering me….I couldn’t figure it out. But I was being plagued by something I couldn’t put my finger on. I wanted to get out of the relationship but I couldn’t make myself do it. I felt that I would lose something. Once I uncovered the first big betrayal, my sociopath begged me to give him another chance so I asked him to go with me to the therapist, which he did. Armed with the knowledge of what the sociopath did, and after talking to him , the therapist told me to get away from him. That he was very dangerous to me emotionally and potentially physically dangerous. After the next big betrayal, or rather, discovery that the betrayal and lies were ongoing, I took the sociopath to a therapist, and told him what I uncovered. He spoke to him and the responses were very revealing. He said he did the things he did that were wrong and bad because he was bored. To understand why that answer is so revealing, is to understand a sociopathic personality. Anything goes, to quell boredom. But I still couldn’t release myself from that relationship. It was a magnetic kind ofpull, that I had no power over. It had complete power over me.


Thank you for sharing. I was completely taken in by a sociopath over a year ago. I had never met anyone who was so attentive, charming, complimentary, good looking… oh, the list goes on. I felt I had not only met Mr. Right, but Mr.Perfect. This was a very cultured and well educated man. Unlike the stereotypical sociopath, he holds a good job -can even be considered a “captain of industry”. We live in different cities, so it was even easier for him to fool me. He would call me 2-3 times a day – send text messages, write e-mails. I wondered sometimes how he got the time to do all this. But it was almost impossible for ME to get him on the phone. He said he was at a meeting, at a business dinner etc.

He also seemed to not have many good friends. But all the people he mentioned were women – some one who went to the symphony with him – and had for a long time, someone who was a biking partner etc. He said his friendships with these people were built around common interests, which I thought was fair enough.

After 6 months and visits back and forth, his romantic speil was not as effusive, which I thought normal. But I also began noticing a lot of inconsistencies and lies. I caught him out on a lie about where he was – he said he was in one city on work and it turned out that he was in another on vacation – and I knew it had to be with another woman!

Anyway, i expressed my distrust and he accused me of being suspicious for no reason. He said I had a mental illness and should have my head examined. I got so blisteringly angry when he said this that I told him that I would prove to him that my suspicions were warranted.

I embarked on a detective spree and uncovered 4 women who he was courting the same way. One was the official girlfriend in the city where he lived. The others were mistress-type girlfriends. I spoke with all of them. And then I presented him with the evidence. He did not have much to say other than that he had “done everything for me, shown me a good time, bought me gifts…” and did not know why I was upset. I know now that there are others. It is like he needs to get all the women he meets to fall in love with him.

I asked him not to contact me again, but he kept e-mailing, sending cards, photos, saying “Ilove you, I miss you” It took a lot of courage to hold my ground, because I missed him too. I had to remind myself on a daily basis that I did not want to be in a relationship that had no substance. Luckily, the distance helped and also the support of my cousin and my friends. Finally, the calls petered off, although I did get birthday greetings from him recently, in which he called me his one true love, his Jane.

As for the other women, they are still with him. He takes his women to nice restaurants and on extravagant holidays, but I don’t think this is the reason they stay with him. They love him to distraction. In fact one of the mistress-type girlfriends has been trying to get rid of the official girlfriend for a long time, even though he has been with the Girlfriend for nearly 7 years .

I tried to talk sense into these women, suggesting we form a support group, help each other… But after a point realized they had to figure their lives out for themselves. Luckily, I escaped, but not unharmed. I find it very difficult to trust men. But I am whole and did not give him time to grind me down.



I believe as sociopaths become older and they realize they are human and are aging like the rest of us, they become more dangerous and cling harder to their victims. They realize their best years are behind them and they really don’t have much to show on an emotional level.

I have been involved with 2 sociopaths and am in my mid- 40’s. I have just started dating again and I have decided that dating at my age is somewhat of a dangerous scenario. To combat this ,I now see myself as a Female Warrior against sociopaths. I have decidedly taken my power back. For example, if I’m dating someone and ask them if they are done with their past relationships and they say, “oh, yes, I’m through” and then later in the conversation they say ” Well I’m still friends with my ex girlfriend and I still call here”. I see the Red Flags now! In a perfect world that would be great, to beable to stay buddies with an ex, but 9 times out of10 it’s more than that.
I no longer feel guilt for not believing them.!! I totally trust my gut feelings and don’t try to talk myself out of them, where I use to not listen. My gut level feelings, looking back, have always been right, but I didn’t trust them. If I had, it would have saved me a world of pain and heartache. I might be alone for along time and frankly at this point, I honestly welcome that if it keeps me safe from the sociopathic preditors and their horrific destruction. I know I can’t afford emotionally to go through another situation with these mentally ill people.
My advice is listen very, very closely to everything they say!!! I can’t stress this enough, really listen like you’ve never listened before. Look for things that don’t make sense…” I’m done with that relationship”….then later in conversation…” I call my ex, because we are still good friends”. Inconsistencies are a major Red Flag.


I used to have a very rosie view of the world and the people in it until my life was shattered by the sociopath I met 2 years ago. Everything I have read on this site is like a page from my life. He not only destroyed me emotionally and financially, but my relationship with everyone (family & friends) are forever changed. I lost all my credibility. Those that looked up to me the most now wonder who I am. This is a much tougher road of recovery than my divorce from my husband of 22 years. The humilation and distrust that I feel are more than I can bare on some days. You question yourself, your ability to be a judge of character.
I was a strong independant woman, a home paid for, no debt, until this monster charmed his way into my life. He took my secure retirement and destroyed it. I’m 52 years old I will never recover the financial disater he created for me.
I must say that I am a fighter though and he will not win this time! Along with all of his sociopath problems, he is an alchohlic, and physically abusive. I look at the fact that he broke my nose as a blessing, it allowed me to call the police and have him arrested. I am now in the midst of a nasty divorce from him as well as testifying against him for a felony. My therapist has told me that (the only reason that I can afford therapy is that there is a non profit group “Violence Witness Agency” paying for it) that no matter what happens to him, it should have no impact on my recovery, because as most victims experience that whatever the courts decide will happen to him will never be enough. I cannot base my recovery on him or what happens to him.
I am not a particuliarly religious person, but I would have to say that this type of person must be as close to “the devil” as any human could be.
Recovery will be a long slow process for me, my family and my friends. You do truly find out who your “real” friends are when something like this happens to you.


It seems like a lot of the same women write on these blogs,


I took my ex to a religious woman counselor, he conned her same as he conned me, she advised me to be more patient with him, until he started bouncing checks written to her, the therapist, too. Then she told me to dump him because he was a ‘go nowhere’ man.
Later we went to a psychiatrist, a man md with 30 years experience, my ex had a harder time charming the male psychiatrist who pronounced, after a 2 and 1/2 hour session with my ex and I, that my ex was incurable and could never be helped simply because my ex thought it was okay to lie, rob, and hurt others and he thought there was nothing wrong with himself for being that way. The psychiatrist told me not once in his 30 years of practice could he help or correct men like my ex. The md offered to help me break up with my ex and I accepted the help, thankfully. It scared me to watch my ex con the woman therapist with all his charm and his crocodile tears and his flowery words and lies. A devil or devils from hell lived in my ex, to this day I believe he was possessed by the jezebel spirit of lust (his charm and charisma) and a few other spirits of greed and violence. I never want to meet anyone that sick, deceptive or destructive again. They are possessed by devils from hell.


I am a very recent victim of the wrath of a sociopath. I have had major anxiety and depression when with him and now that he is gone I feel worse. Although I know he is toxic I am having a hard time with it!

I am a single mother of 2 children and still battling in court with my ex-husband (who is a narcissus). So I still have that crap to deal with.

After the divorce I then began an insane relationship with a guy 15 years younger who is a sociopath! At the time he resided with his mother and lived across the street from me!!!! He had just moved up from FL where he lived for a year with another older woman….hmmmm! After being in rehab and prison. And may be going back–Great guy!!

HE has toyed with my emotional and mental state for over a year. I then began to become unwraveld and for the sake of my children I moved. He didnt call me….I CALLED HIM!! It has been a crazy roller coaster ride which involved his family as well. When he couldnt get to me his family would and I was sucked back in! He loves me He hates me. He makes plans and never follows through, He praises me and then puts me down. Expresses that he is not faithfull and started with drug use and alcohol again. All the while leaving me to wait for his next move/mood always having my heart in agony and my mind racing!! He never has given me anything but empty promises and I ALWAYS flipped the Bill. I would try every tactic to make things better, make him see, help him and love him. To NO AVAIL, as of last week he asked for a few hundred dollas I gave it to him and never heard from him again.
He Doesnt return any of my calls. Then his family calls me looking for him, questioning me and insinuating that at this point it it is shame on me. It is hard to explain why I have an obsession for him with every minute spent thinking of him. I feel I have been part of a cult like situation that even though it is sooo wrong I cant seem to stop. I feel he has brought out my own psychotic tendencies. I am making crazy calls, driving by his house and it isnt even about the money. I still want him to call and I HATE IT!!! I am at a tug of war with myself. I am sick, sad, overwhelmed with questioning all while trying to maintain a “normal life” for my children. I need to have some strength for court battles with my ex narcisstic husband of 8 years and survive the short yet devistating relationship with the once charming sociopath who became very evil and ugly. It scares me to think that sometimes I liked it…………what is wrong with me and what do I do. I am an attractive intellegent person so why cant I stop the madness in my heart and mind? I dont think my therapist understands and I dont like to take medication. Although since this all happened I find myself self medicating, drinking too much and unable to sleep at night. I am embarressed to even post a comment but I feel I really need to reach out to someone that might shed some light my way.


Change06 – Many of us have been through this madness. I cant speak for other people but my way of dealing with it, was to read as much as possible on the internet about the disorder, how they manipulate, how you get addicted, how they do their mind control and brainwashing etc. Reading this website has been therapeutic for me and has allowed me not to burden my friends too much. I also feel great affinity with some of the people on here and some of the stories are truly courageous. You will find many common denominators in the behaviours described by people and that can be reassuring that you are not going mad and understanding how it is part of the illusion they create.

For me when I saw it all for the illusion it was, it took some of the power out of it. I have driven past his home, but I have had no urges to contact him. I have missed him, but those phases have passed. The behaviour he set up, without you knowing, was to hook you into a kind of addictive, controlling dominating relationship – much like Pavlov’s Dogs. All of what you are feeling is pretty much normal for this kind of relationship. If you read the info about captives, they feel a kind of bond to their captors – again this is all part of the manipulation.

It is a damaging relationship which will only probably get worse. I hit the bottle in the early stages and smoked double the cigarettes normally smoke – but as things settle down that will pass too – it is like going through a huge storm. I too am attractive, intelligent and it amazes me how these men are able to have no shortage of women like us. Apparently my ex has been out with some stunning women, but he is a loser, but he is an alpha male and women like this kind of masculinity. You have alot on your plate and I would suggest that you try to be kind to yourself and that you read some of the narratives here for advice. Someone said, if you are going to court, it is really important to have a good lawyer. Good Luck with your journey and I hope it gets better for you.


Change06 – Another important note. Much of the work I have done on myself as a result has been to work on myself as well. Why do I seem to get into relationships with losers, he is the last and worst one of many others. My family upbringing which was dysfunctional and how that has impacted on me and my decisions. My caring and loving nature which seems to be abused and exploited by people – and how I guard that with proper boundaries. How I choose to have better people in my life. I build my self esteem and dont allow other people to trash me. For many of us, to make some kind of treasure for yourself out of the muck of it all probably requires you to do some questionning about yourself. The bottom line is that if we are to resist being dragged down by some of these damaging people, then we must spot them at ten paces and learn how to see them off, without becoming involved with them.

Change06 – You are not alone! I am also having trouble with the “no contact” everyone is clear that we need in order to recover. There was a post on this site that is helpful from November, I can’t remember which one. Someone suggested visual imagery of golden scissors cutting the threads which was helpful…until he started calling again.

It is an addiction, but I’ve come to realize that for me it is even deeper than that. I have some unresolved childhood issues I didn’t even know were there, and until I work through those I will be vulnerable to him. I’m trying through counseling, reading books, and yes, medication for the depression! It helps with the crying and the panic attacks that I’ve never had before in my life. This website has been the best medicine. When you read all the posts and how we all seem to be involved with the same guy, you realize you are not alone. You also realize that this is what he really is, a sociopath, and not the person he pretends to be. He is a lie.


I am worried that my looking for answers is another way to understand him. And in my own sick mind I think I can figure another way to “get to him”. It is so hard for me….I too have the classic unresolved childhood issues. I believe my Father is a Narcissis, I then married a Narcissis, Divorced him and moved onto a sociopath! My additional trouble is I have a problem crying…I cant. So I get sick and do crazy things, like calling and drive by the house. Only one drive by …but many many calls.. some enraged, some funny, some just saying goodbye. As recent as this evening. No answer from him. Another depressed, anxiety driven, sleepless night for me. My friends dont fully understand. All I do is try to figure out why I allowed this AGAIN, why I love him, and why I cant get it the F**K together. He is a conning, manipulative, verbally abusive, disrespectful, inconsiderate, lying A-HOLE. But so adorable on brief moments….that I hold onto, that sucks me back. I am insane because I justify by saying if I get him back one more time I will leave him and get satisfaction. You know “beat him at his own game.” I actually tried that madness this time around but he got me….He got me good. Now I am emotionally unstable, physically looking like crap and mentally drained. Anyone want to post an email address I would appreciate that.


Change06 – I too was where you are. I went from when I met him – a confident, successful, attractive, independent woman to a jealous, depressed, internally obsessed, worried and have crazy trying to figure him out, figure us out. Everything was so One extreme to the Other that you cant figure out which way is up in the end. The hardest part now is getting over the resentment that the Sociopath walks away feeling satisfied and mighty proud that they conquered again. For me, it has helped immensely reading and writing every day on this site. It reinforces well, what your subconscious mind already knows. Now you have to train your conscious mind to be in agreement. When you have feelings of driving by or calling… try to remember that is what HE wants – he wants that control over you and wants you to crawl back. Dont give it! You are only taking away your self respect and its time to reclaim it. Sometimes we have to fake our way through things until they feel real. Even though you want to call really badly, say outloud to yourself that you do not want to call. Call your friends or family if only to distract yourself from your temporary craving. Or what I do, log on to this site and begin reading again. You wont run out of stories of people in pain and healing just like you. Its a rotten form of ending of a relationship – so very unfair – but you are the one in charge of saving you so take ownership of that. I think we all feel we almost were with the same man – take comfort in that.. that this group truly understands. Its babysteps but it does come in time, more peace.


Hi I’m new here.

I clicked on a link posted on a domestic violence website that I frequent, and I found this.

Tonight I was reading everything I could find about sociopaths, and I couldn’t resist posting.

I think every man I have been with is one. They looked to hook up quickly with me. They lied, cheated, yelled at me, stole my money. blamed me. etc.

Yet, they hid this behavior from others.

Of course they couldn’t hide it forever.

The hardest thing was me figuring out how to leave them. It is not easy cause these sociopaths are scared little children looking for someone to take care of them.

When dealing with a male sociopath. Cut off the sex, the money, dinners, no kisses, no hugs, no I love you’s. Nothing for him. When you see him coming, lock the door and pull the blinds. Make sure he sees you pulling the blinds so he gets the “hint”.

If he doesn’t get that hint, put up a “no trespassing” sign. I would say contacting the police is last resort cause your house will be labeled “a problem house”, cause if you hook up with one sociopath, you are likely to hook up with another. Too many calls to police and they are ready to take YOU to jail.

And, your abuser will figure out that he can call the police on you. I had this happen to me. I told him to move out. He showed me. He refused to move, he said I can’t make him move. He called the police on me. He said I was beating him up. The thing that got me was he was so bored while talking to 911. He stated in a bored tone that I’m beating him up. The cops came and wanted to arrest me. The cops said that if they get called back that I would go to jail. I said I can’t control this man from getting on the phone and calling 911. They repeated that I would go to jail if they get called back.

He called the police again. I didn’t go to jail, but the police kept saying I would go if they get called back.

They saw the problem. It was me. I was the common denominator in this equation. I let this guy in my house and now the police have to waste their time with his 911 calls.

Female sociopaths.

I know two of those.

They are very happy in their parasitic lifestyle. They find it’s not a parasites best interest to kill it’s host, when a slow feed will sustain the parasite for years. And, these women are fun to be with. They have loads of loyal friends.

I think it is the male sociopath that will kill you emotionally until it takes your health and you are dead.


Great insight.
Glad you found LF……there is so much info here in the various articles and postings.
I’m glad you made the decision to leave the various toxic men in your life and it appears your learning about the ‘why’ you are attractedt to this type… avoid it in the future……friends or lovers.
When you look into it….you really get an eye opener…..

Again, welcome to LF…..

kim frederick

Hi, Jeannie. I agree, better to see them coming than ever let them in your house. I couldn’t get rid of mine, either.. he wouldn’t go. He’d take the window unit out and climb into my house while I was working.
Unfortunately, I did lose my temper and strike him, and I went to jail…It’s on my record forever.

I’m glad you’re here….Good advise about not having any kind of supply to give them.

Ox Drover

Dear Jeannie,

Also glad you are here. Keep reading, going back through the archives and read every article. There are a LOT OF THEM but each one has another grain or two of truth that will resonate with YOU. Help you get and stay safe, teach you to see the red flags early on, and to learn to set and hold on to boundaries so you are safe from “the next one” you meet! KNOWLEDGE=POWER

Again, welcome! and God bless! Oxy


HISLASTDANCE: Thanks for your post….I think it got buried, no one ever means to ignore someone here. It is something to really celebrate that he PAID, but yes, it still leave you devastated. Less than a year is not long after. I’m 2 years, 2 months from the last phone conversation, and 2 years, 10 months from the last physical contact….and still haven’t quite shook the last little pieces of him from my daily mind, but I’m surely 500% better than I was crying every hour!!!! I never cry now, haven’t for about a year I guess. His birthday came and went without me realizing it…so yes, progress. Just takes time. The man I was hooked up with was a doctor too, and it makes you sick, doesn’t it?


Hi people,

Hi Hislastdance, yes the damage is devastating. It lingers on and resurfaces in day to day relationships. Yes, your doctor friend/husband does sound scary. I’d hate to end up in front of that doctor. I’ll bet he demeans his patients.

Hi Oxy, I will read on!

Hi Kim, isn’t it a bummer that we could end up with a record because of these pieces of shit. They are so irritating that they would piss off the pope. Yet, the police see that you were in the wrong. hmmm….. It ain’t right.

Erinbrock Thank you for the hello. Thank you.


I just read this post from Dr. Leedom and wanted to comment on it. The fact that my spathy always felt happy, even when I was miserable, was weird. He would tell me that he had no reason to ever feel sad because he had everything he wanted. Yep, you might think, “wow, they must have a wonderful relationship”, boy, that is so far from the truth. He fact that he didn’t show any emotion when close family members passed away or was sad in anyway when I tried to commit suicide, just wanted to send me to ye olde mental institution, but still he was happy.

The only reason he is sad (maybe an act) right now is because he is losing his caregiver. He has a prostate problem and I think he wants me around to care for him, and he likes having his son around because his son hasn’t figured out what he is.

I couldn’t figure out why spathy husband could always tell jokes and laugh even when we were fighting. He was spathy happy because he has no conscious. Nope. None. Nada. That part of his brain shriveled up to nothing. It’s dead.

Here is something I want to share but am embarassed about, I hope you don’t judge me too harshly. He went on his motorcycle yesterday and I was hoping he would get in an accident and die. I wanted it to happen and felt let down when he got home. This is not something I would normally wish on my worst enemy but I did wish it upon him. Thinking I should say a little prayer for forgiveness because that was pretty bad. I have some healing water from the Lady of Lourdes well in France, this may help. Oh lordy.

Maybe I would have been spathy happy if it happened? Yikes!

Ox Drover

Dear Hope4,

I think many of us have wished our P-ath would die! Believe me I wished my son was the one dead and the girl he killed was in jail for his murder. I would gladly ahve traded places with the girl’s mom. That’s a horrible way to feel, but acknowledging it is a first step. Forgive yourself for it, your reaction is normal–gosh, you’re HUMAN! LOL

Lovefraud is being upgraded. Comments and forum posts are temporarily disabled. Dismiss

Send this to a friend