lf2

ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?”

The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:

It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.

We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.

Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.

At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.

In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.

The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.



Comment on this article

250 Comments on "ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?”"

Notify of

I understand all that Dr. Leedom is giving as reasons why we are unable to get beyond our experience with a sociopath. I agree that depression has a lot to do with it. But from someone who has lived through the “trauma” of life with a sociiopath, I have to add that I believe it is the singlemost dramatic and horrifying experience of my life, including the death of loved ones. There is nothing that I can give you as an example, nothing that I could even make up including stories of unbearable physical torture, that could compare to the mental anguish and torture that sociopaths perpetrate on their victims. I am quite sure that I will never be the same person I was before I fell into his web of deceit and destruction.

I agree with all Dr. Leedom has said. I wish someone could wave
a wand over my head and make it all go away.
I haven’t gone for therapy because it is expensive and there was
no blood shed, I get tired of being told to “move on and don’t dwell
on this anymore”
Medicine turned me into a couch zombie and without it I cry.
I think us victims are our own best therapist because we know
what we know, and cannot convince others of the truth.
This man didn’t dangle diamonds in front of me, but twisted every detail of his problems and life around to make it seem I was the
unstable one. Investigations have since proven the truth, I have
been fortunate I am not his first victim or his last and there are
many in between, but I have been advised that I have done all
that I can do to recover. Depression and fear can be overcome
but it sure takes time. It has been eight months for me and the
fear seems to be subsiding, the depression, anger, rage, confusion is changing into motivation, exactly how I do not know, maybe just with time. The mental anguish is worse than
anything I could have felt from him if he were physically abusive.
I find that social support is a great help too, once I get out there
and have some fun, I find I have less anxiety at least for one
more day, and this experience is an hour to hour game of
survival, the opponent is gone. I do want an answer someday
though as to whether or not he has short term memory or does
he recall everything he did to his victims.
And how far in advance do these mentally ill perpetrators plan
the outcome, ie, buying the house, planning the trip, having an
affair, are they impulsive or do they know? From my experience
I can see that he planned it because I was his patient at his medical office and I remember the appointment where he didn’t wear his ring, took my arm and apologized for running late,
asked me to bring my dog by the office so he could see him,
returned medical calls late at night… and on and on. The thing
is I saw it coming but he had me frozen and I couldn’t do anything about it till the end, he was finally arrested and I was
set free.

I think the pathologicals are running an old time swindle. Similar to what carnival barkers and salesmen run, although they now call themselves CEOs and fraud fortune 1000 companies, in essence they are slimey pathological crooks bait and switch artists, junk peddlers, robbers and con men.

The old sucker con on wall street is to let a target win the first time, same with gambling cons, then after the first big win, the target is then robbed in all subsequent trades, the target throws good money after bad to try to RECOUP THIER LOSSES and get back to the intial win, that first win was staged by the pathological(s) as the bait.
The pathological plays the very same BAIT AND SWITCH game in love romance marriage cons because women and children are easy targets to the pathologicals sick mind, it is hard for targets to forget because instinctively the targets want to RECOUP THIER LOSSES, be they emotional losses or financial losses. So the targets ruminate to try to figure out a way to recover thier losses.
More frauds needs to be prosecuted in courts as pathologicals only understand cause and effect.
Also the worthless concept of ‘romance’ is the perfect cover for todays robbers. Crooks are having a harder time robbing in the 9 to 5 world so most of the predatory practice is going on after 5PM in the love romance marriage cons. To rob a womans paycheck, credit, signature, inheritance, etc is the primary goal of the pathological. Do a test, tell a patho you have an MBA and watch a pathological males eyes light up like a xmas tree.
Like pigs snorkling for truffles in the mud, todays pathological males are all looking for a working womans paycheck to rob, stealing her childrens milk and cookie money. That is the essence of a patholoigical male, stealing childrens milk and cookie money. As they age, pathological males can be found hanging out near schoolyards looking for 5 year olds at recess time.
Prison work camps and restitution paid to victims would be a good way to teach pathological males cause and effect, by forcing a pathological to pay restitution, a cause and effect message is sent to the pathological predator and parasitical male.
Targets ruminate to try to recoup thier losses in this old time bait and switch, predatory, love romance marriage con run by pathologicals. Fraud convictions and restitution would, I believe, ease some of the ruminating of those targeted by a pathological.

I am just starting the process of getting over a sociopathic relationship. It was 6 years in the making and he left 3 months ago with no warning–but with over 60,000 in gifts, cash and a new car he took from me. When I found out he had an affair, lied, cheated etc. I had a heart attack and am still trying to get out of the house. I have 3 children and a full time job, I am at risk for losing my job because I can not stop crying-my kids are due to come home for the summer from college and I am dreading it–I don’t want to leave my room. I have tried counseling, medication, hypnotism–nothing gets him out of my head. He blackmailed me, called me every name in the book and then would spend hours convincing me I was the “love of his life” the only one he would ever be with–I swear it feels like he cursed me. He is off with a new person as happy as can be and I am left in total devestation. I suffered for 6 years with his ups and downs, his ranting and screaming -mixed with charming talk of a future together. I had major surgery a year ago and he was not there for any of the testing–too busy out with friends. I needed him to help take care of me after the surgery and because he lived 60 miles away–the only way he would help was if I signed a loan on a car for him because of course he has no credit. Now I have no credit–no money-no relationship and can’t leave my house. I am full of anger, mistrust, jealousy and honestly–I feel I will never ever get over this. I have read everything, tried everything, I have no contact with him at all, am pursuing legal action to at least get the car back that is in my name–but I feel guilty for that–WHAT IS wrong with me???

Dear Soloflyer,

I’m a survivor of a sociopath and I wanted to give you some words of support. I dated a man for over 3 years and experience many of the same things everyone experiences with these types of people. The last time he moved out while I was at work and the kids were at school, so literally unexpectedly, was in January of 2007. When everything first came out about all of his lies about 2 years ago, I was completely devastated. I felt like I was falling and spinning at the same time, I didn’t even know which was up or what the real truth was. At that time I decided to stay, becasue I didn’t really know he was a sociopath and I didn’t even know what it meant. Over the last two years more and more lies came out and there were times I just wished he woudl leave. I was so distraught at times, I couldn’t even think straight. Each time he moved out I felt better and disconnected even more. The last time he moved out in February of this year, I was upset, sad, depressed, and discombobulated, but somewhre deep down inside I felt tremendous relief. My suggestion to you is to search you soul for those feelings that are the highest parts of yourself that tell you the truth about him and about yourself, the truth that says you are much better off without him. I still sometimes think about him, but then I go on the web and read blogs like this and my mentality changes immediately to a positive attitude about my self. I didn’t let him come back because I found the strength to search for the truth and ACCEPT that truth this time. You have to accept what you know about him as truth and once you do that you will begin healing. What helped me to do that was reading these blogs each and everyday, and I also started learning as much about the personality disorder as possible. One of the best newsletter I got is from tearsandhealing.com. By learning more and more about the disorder, I started to develop more and more personal power within myself. I had to read each and every day at first, several times a day, but now I only read maybe a couple of times a month to keep in tune. Time heals all wounds, give it some more time and work on yourself in the meantime. The stronger you are the faster you’ll heal and the more abundant you life will be.

Thank you for the words of encouragement—-I feel too old anymore to deal with this-I am 45—I have a beautiful home and 3 grown children which I almost completely lost the respect of because of him. He convinced me to do things I would never in a million years do–He said if I loved him I would—so I did–He would force me to have sex with his friends so he could watch and take pics–now he is using that as blackmail and threatening to mail them to my kids at college! I am beyond upset, heartsick and depressed as to what I let him do–what I believed in and how this all ended.

We recommend this book to all our victims:

http://www.emotional-rape.com/

Its worth a read.

Most of our victims say its about 18-24 months before things ease up.

I had a relationship with a sociopath which ended 3 months ago. I am no quite sure if i am depress or not, but I’ve been having a lot of up and down lately, mostly down. I will be fine for a couple of days, and suddenly I have a bad day or a silly fight with a friend or my mother, and then i start crying and cant stop. I dont really know what is happening to me. I feel fragile, like the smallest of things is enough to upset the balance. I cant seem to understand why it’s happening now, i was doing fine, most of the time, I am doing fine.

When you stop smoking, they say that the third week and the third month are the hardest. Maybe it’s the same when you leave a sociopath. I mean the first two months, I was so determined to move on and to stop being his victim, and now I just realize all the damages done to my sense of self, to my ability to relate to others and to move on, and i dont know what to do, i feel so lost

I am so glad I found this! I have been away from him for a year and a half. I had three therapy sessions about two months after I escaped with my children. The things that went on in the 8 years we were together are beyond description. I don’t even know how to explain it. Anyway I think I was in a “honeymoon” phase for quite a while after I left him and was just happy and relieved to be free. To this day I feel no anger towards him and what he’s done to me and the children. We all have nightmares, my oldest who suffered the most has been diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, and my youngest seems to be ok. I started dating a man a few months after I left him and things are going very well.
My biggest problem is with fear. I worry incessantly about saying things to my man because I don’t want to make him mad or have him not want to be with me anymore. I know on one level that he’s not Him and not anything like personality wise. It’s the “replay” level that I can’t seem to get past. It doesn’t help that memories of “him” are triggered almost constantly now because of the ongoing legal processes for divorce/division of property/custody. He filed up where he’s from for everything. Jurisdiction was given to the state where I reside, he fought it a little, but never showed up for ANY court dates nor did he file answers to any of the custody filings. I now have sole custody with no contact of both our children, but it hurts so much to know that I lived with someone who would rather fight me for a house that I paid for and put my own labor into than to see the kids. On one hand I’m grateful that we’ll probably never have to deal with him b/c of visitation and such, but on the other hand… I don’t know why I can’t feel anger at his treatment of me or the kids, I pretend because I know that’s what’s expected, but I don’t. Can anyone offer me something to understand why this is?

This is a very interesting website – I found it by googling “con artists”.

In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.

He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things–I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.

When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.

We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.

I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.

I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.

How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??

I read a comment on this blog last week where the reader said that she stopped trying to figure out what was “real” and what was a lie. Intead, she finally accepted that it was all a lie, and it became easier in her mind. I don’t remember where the comment was posted, but I think I’m paraphrasing her correctly. At least, I hope I’m paraphrasing her correctly because when I read her remarks, I realized that in the past month, I have started to feel a sense of freedom in my mind. I still have days, times, when I will remember something that had touched me when it originally occurred only to be quickly followed by the sudden reminder that it was all a lie. And those times are painful. This time of year is especially difficult. My father passed away 12/22/2003, and at the time, my sociopath and I were heavily involved. I get angry because I can’t grieve the loss of my father without remembering HIM. It was one time when he was especially comforting, and I don’t want to remember that. Whatever “softness” he displayed was fake, a lie. I can only hope that one day, when Christmas rolls around and I’m reminded of my dad’s passing that I’ll be able to recall the way my dad made me laugh instead of how this sociopath made me cry.

And, as an FYI, I am suing my ex-boyfriend for damages he did to my house in the way of unfinished projects. I’ve already sent him a final negotiating/demand letter, which resulted in him calling to bluster and thunder and call me names and tell me he would ruin my life, blah, blah, blah. And for the first time since meeting him, I felt no fear, no regret at “upsetting” him, nothing — except a sense of victory as I heard him become irritated at the fact that he couldn’t upset or rattle me. Even his parting words, “If I were you, I’d watch for your safety,” made me laugh. Do I fear for my safety? No. And when I replied, “go ahead,” his frustration hit its high and he hung up on me. I do not fear justice. I fear never loving anyone again. I fear never trusting anyone again. I do not fear doing what is right; I fear doing nothing at all.

Happy New Year, everyone!

that is what i need to do make him pay for all the holes in my walls broken remotes and phones and how long until we can be strong all day long i try to do the everything was a lie or is a lie to keep myself from guessing but i still care and i hurt alot i want to hate him and he left me 3 weeks before christmas wouldnt even talk to me knowing i could loose my house and now 2 weeks after christmas he wants to hang out with us and try to lay rules if he were to come home and the things that i do wrong reasons that he left or is at his mommys ( he is 44) wow when i reread what i write i know the advice i would give but why wont i listen had a fit because i took our daughter to see sesame street where did you get the money how did you pay your housepayment i must be rich because i had 2 doc appt. and i used gas to get there he knows i am struggling and dosent even offer to help who is this man well he has lived here on and off for 3.5 years never helping financial 2 months he didnot like where i was working so he finally says i will help you with the bills so i quit and guess what he moves out all of the sudden starts fights accuses me of running around on him dosnt like my friends now. so he knows that i am not working and was dependent on his portion of the money i have other sources so i always brought more money into the household but i had quit my job and the kids would be out of school for 3 weeks for christmas and i was stuck no babysitter and no job last time he moved out if forget why this time he was over my house on thursday nd friday spent the night had no money for his daughter left sat morning with a probably be back this evening and took another female out sat night of course it was my fault because i was working at a place where my old old boyfriend would go (reastaurant with a bar) so i was running around on him i wasnot i just needed a job and this one worked around the hours my children (2 of them) were in school i could take them in the morning and be home when the bus came by. our child is only 2.5 and when we went to child support ct but he told them he lived with me ( he just moved back when i forgave him for the date with other female) so he was not ordered to pay child support help me someone i still hurt [email protected]

Noanger: I don’t know that there’s any point in questioning why you don’t feel angry.

Everyone grieves differently (browsing the blogs shows a huge range of emotion) and anger is only one stage of a process that can last several years. You may reach it and you may not. It may simply not be “safe” for you to really feel the anger right now because you’re still dealing with your divorce and you need a cool head to get through it, so you’re denying this feeling to exist just yet.

Also, indicating you are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing to your new man may mean you don’t feel safe acknowledging your anger in general (because you may misplace it on your man – and then you’ll definitely be saying/doing the “wrong” thing!).

Please be careful in your new relationship. You don’t sound like you’ve finished the grieving process and, if you haven’t noticed from the other blogs, you – a newly separated woman with children – are prime pickings for sociopaths. I’m not suggesting your new guy is one, but definitely pay attention to any red flags.

I am psycho too! Or am I just in reaction to his tactics to bring it out of me? This is my third day on the site and I am a recent victim of the sociopath. I have been left feeling as we all express, depression, anxiety, questioning and acting crazy. After his conning, manipulation, lies, and his twisting things around and accusing me that it was my fault. Making him angry. I should just keep my mouth shut and listen to him. I stuck around thinking I would beat him at his game. When I was able to lure him to were I wanted I would drop the bomb on him….It doesnt work- and he got me good. Taking my heart, sanity, and now money. His family members are all disturbed in their own right and he is the greatest manipulator of them. They believe his lies and excuses that his actions are in response to everyone elses wrong doing to him…Me included! Once they were part in sucking me in and now they think I am just a psycho….because of the light he shown on me. This last time he left me I have made continual calls of all kinds to him (one reason is because I wanted my money back) the other reasons I am figuring out now. I feel I am pulling myself out of a cult situation. I still want him, love him and want to fix him. WHY??? Im Working on that and keeping close contact on the blog is helping me one day at a time. One minute at a time!! I suggest the people who are in a close area,(I am in NJ) we should meet and form a support group. SS annonymous…Sociopath Survivors. If anyone is interested please email me at [email protected]

Change06. I tried to beat my ex at his own game, thought I could outsmart him and I did in some things – I played the double double bluff on him and he doesnt know everything. But I took an emotional beating for not following his plan. There was so much anxiety, grief and pain for someone who did nothing for me. He was very good at pretending and rolling things along now and again to make out he was investing in me – but I saw through it.

Disconnecting from them, as you will read from the survivors who have been down this road – have all been through similar – missing them, wanting them back to fix them – this is all part of the addiction that keeps us hooked into such bad relationships. Like any addiction, complete withdrawal is essential if possible and going through the difficult fallout feelings and thoughts that many of us have been through. It helps alot to get support and someone trusted to talk to who wont judge you. I find expressing myself through this site helps too and meeting like minded people.

I have found this to be the most helpful and fascinating website I have encountered. My sociopathic boyfriend is a classic, with all of the symptoms. Grandoise, charming, manipulating, conning, pathalogical lying. Of course we (my children and I) didn’t know any of this. It is the most painful experience of my life, as I trusted him implicitly. He is a predator and has now moved onto another victim. It has been 4 months and I am just now beginning to feel normal, “whatever that is”. I mourned him, and actually thought he had a brain tumor because his behaviour became erractic, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have done (honestly) 500 hours of research and have found broken past relationships including: 1) cheating his ex-wife out of her share of their jointly owned home, 2) swindling former best friend 3) “stealing” money from business partners 4) broken family relationships…including identical twin 5) only one long-term friend. He presently has a new girlfriend who he thinks has money, and/or her family has money and he is trying to swindle them. I called her and her family and tried to warn them, but then got a call from the police that I couldn’t contact her family anymore. So I won’t. But he’ll take everything from them too, his favorite saying is “it’s all about the money”. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is also very good in bed and is extremely convincing, so he’s really clever and capable of trickery. I have never experienced anything like this before, it’s like a nightmare, extremely emotionally devastating. Thank goodness I have finally figured out what happened, so can be on the road to healing and recovery. My family and friends have had a difficult time understanding how I have become “obsessed” with trying to figure out what happened. I was faithful and true, loving and kind with him and thought he was my best friend. He was not. Thank goodness I didn’t invest financially with him, he tried to get me to do this through many ventures, and I would have lost my shirt. Blessings to all of you who are going through or have gone through this experience it is not fun. You may e-mail me if you wish [email protected]

Dear Peggywhoever,

It’s strange but it seems we all have gone through the slueth stage and the research stage. We end up here from doing research, I suspect.

I applaud you for attempting to warn the other woman about this man and what happened to you sounds pretty typical. The Sociopath will be in a honeymoon phase with his new victim and he will already be filling her head with stories of all the women who didn’t understand him like she does… topped with over the top compliments, affection and as you said… hot in the sack sex. You can be sure that he has already primed the pump so that when you show up and try to warn someone, you will sound like the psycho ex that he made you out to be. You know how convincing they can be so you can understand how she would believe him. After all… she is in LOVE! Right?

It’s sad really but the truth will come out and don’t be surprised if one day she contacts you back after she has been destroyed emotionally and financially screwed.

About being “obsessed.” Here at LoveFraud, no one will call you obsessed because we all have gone through the same process of healing and letting go. Part of letting go, I think, is being obsessed with figuring it out for awhile. It won’t ever make sense but that is the conclusion you have to come to on your own. I spent plenty of time trying to figure out my man when I was still with him and I love what you said about a “brain tumor”. I totally get that. Their behavior is so perplexing and out of our range of experience most of the time that we think of all kinds of crazy reasons until we stumble on the definition of a Sociopath. How did you feel the first time you read the criteria and there you saw all his behaviors like a shopping list? If you haven’t found it yet, look for “DSM-IV” definitions on the internet. They are very helpful.

As for me, my early attempts to warn others backfired and ended with more people calling me crazy which at the time, I wasn’t sure if maybe I was… because feeling like you are “losing your mind” is just one of the neat benefits of your sociopathic encounter. The good news is when you realize there is nothing wrong with you… you will be stronger than ever. And I am lucky in one way… I discovered that one brave soul posted a warning in Sept. 07 about my sociopath on Craigslist in Hawaii where I used to live. That one brave person sparked a landslide of warnings.. (I have thrown a few in there myself).. that continues today. I don’t know how many different individuals are posting but I think it’s a lot as my ex, I call him “the Bad Man”, uses CL constantly to try and meet new victims. He has sex with them and then flips out on them and sends them volumes of vicious emails. If you go to CL Hawaii and use “search” feature on the left side bar, you can search for “merman” in the personals. All the emails that come up are about the Bad Man. When I was with him, he didn’t use CL back then. I am not sure if the Bad Man is a sociopath because he seems to have lost his slick side in the past few years but either way… he is dangerous, exploitive, vicious and bad news for anyone unfortunate enough to be seduced by him for even one day.

Anyway, welcome to LoveFraud and here’s to your recovery.

Aloha…….E.R.

I never learned to drive because I met P at a young age and we made an agreement that he would learn to drive first and then me, he said we couldnt afford to learn together. We got our first car and he started giving me lessons, he was so impatient and critical and joked that i wasnt a natural. I frequently just stopped and got out of the car. When I started lessons with a proper instructor my confidence was gone, I was so anxious that my knuckles would be white gripping the steering wheel and I would be physically sick before the lesson. I dont drive at all, I never passed my test because i struggled so much with the anxiety. I was driven everywhere by P, dropped at work and picked up, very convenient I thought, but I hadnt thought about the control aspect, because I dont drive I only go out with him.

The anxiety mentioned has been a constant problem for me, that awful churning, nausea and shakiness when i realised he had done something else that I found it hard to accept. I really struggle with this, because I have told him to go it is worse than ever and I cant eat, I have lost a lot of weight due to this.

I never associated these problems with him, that has given me evenmore of a reason to get rid

Dear Moraira,

I you don’t drive, and he still has the keys, but you want to sell the car, like I said on the other thread, let the air out of the tires (at least two) you do this by removing the cap (it screws off) of the valve stem on the tires. Inside after the little cap is off, is a thing that looks like a tiny button in the middle of a small metal circle. Push down on the buttton with something small and it will spew and his the air out. When the tire goes flat, do another one. He will not be able to drive the car til it is fixed. Be sure and put the cap back on after the air is out.

When he is gone, call a tow truck and have them open the car (they can do that) just say you have lost the keys, and then have them tow it to some place safe where you can get the VIN number (look on the other thread for how to find it) and then call the dealership and have the keys made from that number there. Then you can have someone drive it to a hiding place from your Husband.

Good luck dear, and keep your anxiety in check, come here and post all you need to dear! YOU CAN DO IT for you and your daughter! (((hugs))) and I am keeping you in my prayers!

thanks OXY X

Dr. Leedom,

First, let me just say that my best friend is a student of yours, and what he learns in your class is frequently injected into our conversations and debates. It sounds like he is learning from the best, and I agree with very much of what you say!

This post in particular was incredibly illuminating. The following quote describes one of my friends perfectly:

“At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.”

It seems like she is totally resigned to learned helplessness, has lost any concept of love with non-sociopathic guys and that her only recourse is wistful daydreaming about who the sociopaths in her life were before they became their true selves. It’s actually very sad. I care about her greatly, and it’s painful watching a once happy (and still very sweet and kind) girl transform from a life-loving person to a hollow, emotional shell of her old self.

But, such is the nature of the beast I suppose…

As an aside, it’s amazing that sociopaths can con women in spite of their awful pasts. The man my friend is currently dating, for example, used their first date to discuss how he spent 10 years blowing cocaine, passing out at bars, sleeping with random women, getting engaged 3 times (all failures), being duped into thinking he fathered a child with one of them (it wasn’t actually his child, so he says) and oh yes, he’s 28 while she is not even 21.

But in addition to all of that, he acted extremely interested in her, called/text messaged her daily, told her how great she was, and acted very eager to make their relationship “official” so he could “treat her right” the way her last boyfriend did not. (The prior boyfriend was also a sociopath.)

Now…as an outsider, I found it nothing short of shocking (and infuriating) that a man with such a history could win a girl’s heart so easily. But I guess, as you say, that’s exactly what they are best at doing.

I have been in and out of a relationship for four years with a sociopathic marcissist. When he gets angry he just leaves without any concern for my worry for him at all. It is like he is punishing me for not seeing things his way. He has pushed me to the point that I have felt so hopelessly alone and miserable I wanted to die. In fact, I did try to hurt myself on four different occasions. I figured it was better to die than go on with the pain of what he was doing to me. What I wish someone could explain to me is WHY I allow this man to continually tear me down, rip me apart, tear my world completely apart and then step on it as if it were just manure. I want to understand why a seemingly healthy, normal, welll-adjusted woman allows a man to call her bitch, whore, piece of —-, etc. I am 52 years old, an x-model and have had a wonderful career. Sometimes when I am all alone, I wonder so ofter why I don’t give the other guys a chance. Why can’t I even think about building a relationshiop with another person? This man is charming, handsome but souless. I know this, I have known it for a long time but why do I desperately want him in my life? For example, when we would go to the movies, he’d carress me and hold my face in his hands and I absolutely melted into him. Then, he and I could be walking out the door and if he noticed me even looking innocently at another man, he would go nuts. He would berate me, curse me, be so horribly abusive to me that I couldn’t say a word and the hell of it is, he temporarily had me convinced that everything was my fault. I would constantly be apologizing to him for this and that when I knew in my heart and soul, I had done nothing wrong, I hadn’t even thought anything wrong! I am new to this site and it is helpful to read about so many experiences that seem exactly like my own. With that said, I am still miserable, still ashamed I have let another human being destroy me in every way and I know I still love him and I shouldn’t. He has bedded five different women that I know of while he and I were together. He would use our fights as an excuse to justify his behavior. Frankly, right now, I still don’t want to go on without him yet I also know if I do I will be miserable for the rest of my life. This hold he has on me is unlike any other experience I have ever had with other men. Why am I so trapped? Why can’t I just turn my back and walk away. In Sept. of 2008, he had accused me of flirting and we had a huge argument. I couldn’
take his berating any longer and I overdosed. When he realized I had done this, he demanded I leave or he would call the police. I was barely able to walk and when he shoved me out the door, I made it to the steps and fell down them hitting my head at least three times in my attempt to get up. He heard me fall, he told me he did later, but he merely took a look at me and walked away. A neighbor called 911 to help me because I couldn’t get up. I was dying and I knew it and I wanted to. The entire time the EMS was there, he never once came to my aid, never asked how I was and worse yet, never visited me in the hospital or make a single phone call as to how I was. My God, he wouldn’t leave a DOG
hurt and helpless at the bottom of the stairs but this guy did. After I got out of the hospital, about three weeks later, he contacted me wanting to get together again and try to make it work. I WENT BACK TO HIS JERK!!!!! Not only that, I allowed him to continue to berate me, curse me for overdosing, minimizing me as a human being to absolutely nothing. As of today, he has decided that it is over yet again. I know he will come back after he does whatever it is he wanted to do while I was in the picture. I know he is shallow, I know he is emotionally void and I know he is totally souless but what do I do about myself when all I will allow myself to think about is him and not upsetting him? I feel as though I am in prison and he is my guard and he makes all the decisions, all the rules and does all the berating, criticizing and bullying. I am so tired of this cycle I could die but all the while, I want him here with me, shallowness and all. My God, what is wrong with me? Someone, please help. I am at the end of my rope in more ways than one. I just want to understand this pattern of abuse and why I allow it to happen to me.

Victim: I was once where you are. I was with my ex 2 years. He accused me of looking at guys and would flip out on me all the time. He controlled my every move. He would start fights as a reason to leave the house to cheat on my with another woman..in his head his cheating was justified. All the verbal assaults I took. I was the one who kicked him out when I found out about the cheating. I grieved for that month and wanted him to come back. I kept thinking of the honeymoon phase and desperately wanted that back. But, after away from him for awhile, I started to see the truth, accept the lies and started feeling like me again. Every month that passes, I feel more like myself. I think we crave for that honeymoon phase to return. . . but it never will. If you end it and distance yourself, you’ll see things differently. You’ll start to think about how you should be treated. All I have to do is think of the horrible things he did to me and I don’t want to go back there: He grabbed me by the throat spit in my face, called me a “wh%#!” took all my money, cheated, lied, all the time calling me “fiance” and telling me he loved me. You call that “love?”

Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship spiraling downhill. Things will get worse. I would get out while I can. God doesn’t want us to suffer at the hands of people who claim to love us. If this man truly loved you, he would not treat you that way. Period. And, you are not loving yourself and want to die. Over what? Him? Is he worth it??

Maybe you can tell him you think you need time alone to get some distance. Also, if you do get the courage to leave, I wouldn’t jump into a new relationship right away.

Victimx, You need to immediately go NO CONTACT with this guy. No answering the phone, the door, just cut him out of your life RIGHT NOW. You are in the grips of sociopathic manipulation and the ONLY way to break free and get your head clear is to cease absolutely all contact with him, no matter how difficult it might be.

Also google stockholm syndrome and traumatic bonding and read up on it–lots of websites have good information on it–and that will help you get a bit of understanding as to why you might feel “attached” or “bonded” to this sonofabitch. But breaking that bond will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done. (and the bond is NOT dependent on just “love” feelings, but can also still be there even if you’ve developed some feelings of hate).

Unfortunately, you are probably right that he will attempt to come back once he has done whatever it is he is doing because he will assume he has you under such control that it doesn’t matter how he treats you, he can always return when he gets in the mood to do so. BUT if you go no contact, and that means literally NO CONTACT, because even one phone call that you answer will leave yourself open to being manipulated by him again. You don’t have to really understand at this point WHY, just understand that regardless of why, you are still very susceptible to him, thus the need to take no calls, do not open the door to him, just cease contact.

Victimx, If you have not already done so, you really should also see both your Doctor and also a therapist and discuss your suicide attempts, and get help with your depression. A good support system can help you in coping with your feelings. And keep posting at Lovefraud, and vent your feelings and doubts here. We understand as we’ve been there too.

Dear Victimx,

I’m sorry you have been in such agony for so long, but you have made a step in the right direction, you have acknowledged what your “boyfriend” (for lack of a better word) is and that is the first and biggest and hardest step.

We can’t change them, or the way they treat us, and they don’t want to change how they treat us. The best thing we can do is to get away from them, out of the chaos and insanity that they have mad eour reality into.

You do not deserve to be treated this way, to be cursed, blamed and belittled. No one who loves you would treat you this way.

Learning about how they act (almost by the sociopath’s play book) willgive you knowledge and knowledge will give you power and strength. YOU CAN DO IT. Jen’s suggestion of NO CONTACT AT ALL, NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZERO, absolutely no contact, no phone, no mail, no answering the door is the way to escape and will lead you to sanity and peace. It will be a long hard struggle, I admit that, but it is WORTH IT TO BE FREE. YOU ARE worth it. God bless you.

I sincerely thank all of you for your advice and I know I should have zero contact with him but there is a part of me that “thinks” I need him and I know in my heart, if he would call right now and ask me to come back, I probably would. I would do it knowing full well that the cycle will happen again and again. What is wrong with me? I attempted suicide and this last time I almost succeeded. I want to live. I have four wonderful, successful children and a beautiful grandchild. Somehow he takes all that away from me, tells me I am fat, ugly, sick, crazy, etc. I am not those things but I am controlled by him and I don’t want to be. I am in counselling and my counsellers very words were: “Some day I want to seer you walking down the street and when I talk to you I want you to tell me that the SOB is out of your life and you will never let anyone in this world treat you like crap ever again”. I want to get there, you have no idea how badly I want to get there but this “hold” he has on me is absolutely blowing my mind. I used to be strong, determined and confident and now I am afraid to speak a sentence, make a move for fear of reprisal from this jerk. What is wrong with me and moreso, how to I get away and STAY away?

Dear Victim X,

Your question “how do I get away and STAY AWAY?”

You start with saying NO CONTACT. Then if you want to contact him, you come here, you call a friend, you hide in your closet and pray, you put duct tape over your mouth so you won’t answer the phone, you nail your feet to the floor, you stay home with all the blinds down, you hire a goon to smack your hand if you reach for the phone when he calls. You have a concerete storm shelter installed in your yard and the door welded shut—you do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. (Some of that is a joke, but I am not making fun of your pain) I think everyone here can tell you how difficult it is to go NO CONTACT, you are like an addict wanting a FIX. You know that ifyou get a fix you will die, but your brain wants it anyway, so you do whatever you have to do to STAY SOCIOPATH FREE. Once you “sober up” (and you will) you can start to heal, but as long as you are “mainlining” there is no hope that you can quit, or get out of the relationship. It is just like with AA or NA you have to stay 100% away from the “substance of choice” (in this case the man).

I CAN TELL YOU IT IS TOUGH, BUT IT IS WORTH IT!!!!!

You have acknowledged that you have let this person have power and control over your life and that doing that is making you try to hurt yourself. If you want to live for your lovely children and grand child, do it for them. I’m not trying to “guilt” you (ok, well I am I guess) but if you commit suicide do you have any idea how that will HURT THEM? If that is the only thing that will keep you from harming youself, or going back to this man, then USE THAT. Use anything that you can, but CHOOSE TO LIVE. My sociopaths were my own blood family, I had to cut myself off from them in order to live, I CHOSE TO LIVE and I am so glad I did. God bless and keep you, X. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you so much OxDrover, for the advice. Believe me, I want to be free of him but at this point, he is still in control. I am trying so hard to break away. My childtren HATE him, my friends HATE him, etc. Everyone around me thinks I am totally insane and I am. I taught school for 30 years and worked with children of abuse, etc. and God knows I know what abuse is and he is it but I never realized the strength and power and deceript of a sociopathic person. I have been manipulated, controlled and abused and I let him do it knowing he was doing it. That is what floors me. Am I that stupid, to let a redneck jerk hit me, bruise me, walk over me, abandom me and criticize me to everyone I know? This man left me to die, literally walked over me and I let him. Something is wrong with me to let a person do that. I have taken many children into my own home to give them stability, support, love and guidance because they were hurting so terribly. I told them all the things you are telling me. Some of those precious children are dead or in prison or mental institutions and I hurt for them so badly. I think about them all the time and I want to help myself but I can’t. I almost feel like I just don’t deserve to be saved because I allowed this scumbag into my life and he ruined it. I feel isolated, alone, confused, betrayed and lied to. What or how do I go forward; My heart is broken, my life is in shambles because of this man. He has taken my home, my self respect, my dignity and honor, my money and most importantly the respect of my children. They look at me, shake their heads and get angry with me because I continue to allow him in my life. I don’t know which way to turn or what to do. I feel so unimportant and lowly and as insignificant as a dead ant!!

Dearest Victimx,

You keep telling me how POWERLESS YOU ARE, and that is NOT TRUE. You are as powerful as YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE. You must change your BELIEFS. You CAN change them.

You are not any more “stupid” than the rest of us were/are, you have been gullible, and you have allowed him to abuse you, but YOU CAN STOP WHEN YOU ARE READY TO.

YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.

YOU CAN FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ALLOWING ALL THIS.

I am 61 years old, and I have been the victim of Ps and toxic enablers my entire life. I am a smart, competent, outgoing, caring, kind good woman and I have allowed these people to use and abuse me over and over and over, some for years, and some for less time, but I’ve NEVER BEEN TRULY P-FREE my entire life. I lived it trying to do good, and trying to please God and please my mother and please my sons and on and on.

They used me like a roll of toilet paper until I was near the end, nothing left but the cardboard center. I was literally in fear of my life (they tried to kill me) but I FINALLY GOT IT, I AM WORTH LIFE, I can take back my POWER.

I HAVE DONE IT AND SO CAN YOU. I don’t care how “stupid” or how “low” or “worthless” you think you are, or how “embarassed” at yourself you are for “being stupid” you HAVE A CHOICE, LIVE OR DIE.

I can’t make that choice for you, YOU MUST MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR YOUSELF. I can’t save you, YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELF.

Remember when you were in labor with your children? How it hurt and how you wanted it to be over immediately but you had to go through the labor yourself? No one could do it for you, you had to do it for yourself. You can “give birth” to a NEW YOU, a you that is WORTHWHILE, that is WORTHY, but you have to PUSH AND PUSH and it hurts to push, and you have the choice to lay there and NOT PUSH and DIE. There is no physician that can do a “C-section” for a new birth for YOU. You have to do it yourself. I can, and the others here on love fraud can, be your COACH, but we can’t go through the labor. We can and will hold your hand, encourage you, support you, wipe the sweat off your brow, give you sips of water, but YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST GO THROUGH THE LABOR.

I hope and I PRAY that you will choose life, that you will not let this DEMON destroy you, will not let him bring sorrow to your loved ones by them seeing that you have allowed him to take your life from you. Do not let this “addiction” to this man deprive your children and your grandchildren of the mother and grandmother that THEY DESERVE. Or you of the LIFE that you DESERVE.

You can do it, but you must CHOOSE to do it.

Read here, read all the articles in the archives. There is one I wrote a couple of months ago (can’t remember the exact date) on FORGIVIING YOURSELF FOR BEING HUMAN, forgiving yourself for allowing the abuse and making errors in judgment etc. Read that article as wellk, and FORGIVE YOURSELF. Learn to love yourself again. Peace, love and prayers.

Dear OxDrover,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and of support. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this either. I feel powerless to do anything about it. I had finally gotten enough of being hurt about a month ago and I made a phone call to his emoloyers about his behaviors and he may loose his job. Now, I am letting him make me feel horrible guilt for doing this. I do regret it, I shouldn’t have taken out revenge against him but I did and I do regret it and now he has even more power over me because of this. I know I allow it but I don’t know how to not allow it. What do I do? I am in turmoil.

Victimx:
Does he ever feel regret for any of the ways in which he has hurt you? Have you ever bruised him? Have you ever walked on him? Have you ever made him feel any kind of REAL emotion? He will NEVER return to you the love you have given away to him.

He knows exactly where to push your button. You have to hide that button from him, and the ONLY way to do that is to NOT TALK TO HIM.

He is NOT where life is at. You cannot define yourself or your life by him. I remember helping my husband to disengage himself from his ex-wife, and he was even in love with me at the time. It was still hard for him. Extremely hard.

You cannot help a sociopath. They cannot help you. If you’re depressed, get on antidepressant drugs, join a support group, find a family member or friend. You’re starting out by posting here, and I thank you for that. You raised your children. You’re not done with them, and they aren’t done with you. You can get rid of this dark cloud in your life. The less you allow him into your life, the sooner he’ll tire of hurting you. DON’T LET HIM TAKE ONE MORE OUNCE OF YOUR SELF-WORTH! It’s not his, and he’ll never appreciate it. It’s YOUR self-worth. You’re worth way more than that.

Dear VictimX,

What you did may have been for the “wrong reason” (revenge) but does it make any of what you said to his employers any less valid? NO!!! The hurt that they do to us, the injury, has a normal response of wanting to hurt them back. That is NORMAL. It isn’t good, but it is NORMAL. Now, GET OVER IT, quit the guilt. JUST QUIT IT! You can do it.

You regret that you did it (that is repentence) and you will not do it again. Good. Now you no longer have to feel guilty about it. Go back in the archives and find the article I wrote about “forgiving yourself for being human”—I too have hurt people, even people I loved and that loved me BECAUSE I WAS IN SUCH PAIN I STRUCK OUT—I couldn’t fully heal until I FORGAVE MYSELF and quit feeling guilty for the past. You cannot change the past and you can’t change the future, you can only CHANGE TODAY, THIS MINUTE, THIS SECOND. So change TODAY. Just ONE DAY AT A TIME. Make today a good day, forgive yourself because you struck out in your pain.

You are right YOU ARE LETTING HIM “MAKE” YOU FEEL TERRIBLE GUILT. But you CAN STOP THAT. You must take back your power for him to control your feelings. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT BY JUST “DOING IT”—SAYING IT, BELIEVING IT. As long as you BELIEVE he can control you, he can control you, and the VERY MOMENT YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER, You can DO IT. It is all about what you BELIEVE.

I spent time in Africa years ago as a wild life photographer and I have seen people who BELIEVED that a “witch” could put a spell on them and that they would die, do JUST THAT because THEY BELIEVED IT. I do not believe a witch can put a spell on me and make me die, so their “spells” have NO POWER OVER ME. It is all about what we BELIEVE.

God bless you and start TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and you will HAVE POWER. YOUR POWER. TAKE IT BACK!!!! (((HUGS))))

VictimX:
I have nothing to add to the very sage advice you have received already. I just want to point out that your express yourself very beautifully through writing. Keep writing! I hope one day you will be on the other side of this, and maybe you will write a book that will help others.

You have taken the first step in admitting that you want to break the addiction. In my opinion, the next thing to do is to pray, whether you believe in God or not. Pray as if you believed with all your heart that God exists and he/she will help you. Pray for the right supports to come into your life to help you. I wish there were rehab centers for people recovering from sociopaths. But since there aren’t, you will have to create your own personal rehab center. Maybe there is a support group in your area for victims of domestic abuse. And by all means, keep blogging with us!

NO CONTACT!!! I cannot stress this enough.
Hugs,
StarG

It’s amazing. Anyone of you could be me. I felt so alone with this; I am so grateful that I found this site.

I would post my story, but honestly, reading your stories is almost exactly like reading my own. All of you give me the strength I need to get through this. You are all kindred spirits.

DEar Sabinne,

Glad you found this site, and it is a healing place! I’m sorry you “qualify” for membership in our “club” but at the same time, if you qualify then you NEED TO BE HERE….looking back over this older thread, I see the names of people who came here months ago, and are no longer posting here (I don’t know if they are still reading here) and I wonder where they are, did they finally get free of their Ns and Ps and are they still working on learning and healing.

I won’t tell you the road to healing is smooth and bump free, because it isn’t. It is learning about them, and learning about ourselves, and why we allowed them to abuse us for so long. The road to Healing is a fearful place sometimes, and may feel lonely,, but come here and read and learn and when the night seems so dark and you seem so alone, you will know you are NOT alone, and that there is comfort, understanding and support here in this healing place. Welcome! Hope you stay around a while. ((((hugs))))) and God bless you.

Last night I started to write some thoughts directly related to this subject. I’m not sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but I look at it a little differently that just depression. I don’t doubt that depression is part of it all but it seems to me that it’s more about our heads (and reason) catching up with our hearts. That fog is so think in the beginning and nothing NOTHING can clear it but time. Just bear with me for a moment:

Last night I started writing down what I knew about the S/P in the beginning and all the reasons I loved him. He was:

dedicated
loyal
a military hero of sorts
protective
affectionate
desireable
treated me well
took me places
wanted my time
hard working
thought I was beautiful and friendly to all people

Then I wrote down from month five to month twenty…..all the things he did that defy all that I knew about him, all the times he ditched me, abused me, argued with me for silly reasons:

cheated on me several times
lied about military background
told many stories of torture and being a diving and explosives expert….all lies.
he wasn’t protective he was controlling and angry. He threw me out of a hotel room to drive home 3 1/2 hours alone after midnight.
made plans and stood my up often, including flights to several places on vacation. On one occassion he went and took another woman.
left me often for days at a time.
He wasn’t hard working. Everything he has was given to him or won in law suits.
He hated that I was friendly and accused me of sleeping with everyoone I spoke to. In front of my children he called my lesbian friend a dyke, because he was even angry about my relationship with her. He deleted male contacts from my work cell
he was verbally abusive…..and on and on and on.

So you see……all of the negatives should negate all the good things, but they don’t right away. it’s like we wanted so badly to see what we saw initially that our heads are spinning from the farse, the mask, the deceit, that we can’t compehend the gap between the initial person that we want so badly and the abusive, pathalogical lying person. WILL THE REAL SLIM SHADY PLEASE STAND UP?????? Then we beat ourselves up for not seeing it sooner and letting go earlier.

I don’t think it’s so unusual for us to feel all that we do and want what we had and because we want it so badly we made excuses when all the negative stuff occurred. We wanted that guy to go away……..but he never does. It doesn’t matter which is real, they both are, neither are. The bad one is REALLY BAD. We jsut need to realize that earlier next time and not let them cross the good solid boundaries we put in place.

ANd we need to forgive……ourselves.

OxDrover,

Thank you for your support. My family and friends have no idea what this is like. They don’t understand and actually blame me. I know I bear responsibility for allowing something I knew was unhealthy to continue, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. I still feel like a stab victim that doesn’t heal. My soul feels like it’s going to bleed out of my body soon.

Today is kind of bad, but not nearly as bad as some days have been. It’s the kind of day that I’m simply too busy to break down. If given the opportunity, I would probably sit and weep in the bathroom again.

I feel like screaming.

Sabinne:

Welcome. You’re in the right place. I came in from the cold 3 months ago.

People here are from all walks of life, gay, straight, men, women, every profession you can think of. So, you can be sure you’ll get some really balanced perspective on things.

If you log onto another post you’ll find that several of us have been advising another member of the club on her filing a complaint with her congressman’s office.

Point is, you don’t need to censor yourself here. Trust me when I say collectively we’ve done it all and seen it all with the sociopaths we had in our lives. Or put it another way, been there, done that, have the T-shirt to prove it.

You may be grappling with how the hell he did this to me? I wrote a post in December entitled “Criminal Defense Attorney Falls for Sociopath”. Other members have told me I wrote the playbook on how these creatures operate. You might find it helpful. Also, read “Without Conscience” and “The Betrayal Bond.”

In any case, read, read, read. Knowledge is power.

And yes, we can all relate to family, friends etc not understanding and blaming us. And yes, we can all definitely relate to feeling like screaming.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Sabinne,

The XS/P also led a double life…..triple maybe. I can relate. When I realized all the lies, it hit me like a ton of bricks. How long since you had contact? I’t been over a year for me.

Thank you all so much. It’s been almost two months since I spoke to him. Let me say that’s not because of him. I actually didn’t ask him to explain anything to me; it would be a lie anyway.

I did ask him if he would agree to stay out of my life. I only asked him for this because he likes to come back over and over to bleed me dry. He would not answer my texts or acknowledge my request in any form or fashion. He also knows that this is like twisting the knife in me by negating my existence and the fact that he has destroyed my life means anything to him, because it doesn’t. He enjoyed all of it. I know because I broke into his voice mail (I wanted to know if there were more women than me and the woman I found). He would keep my voicemails so that he could listen to me beg him to please leave me alone; to set me free. I would delete them and they would be back there the next day. He was enjoying them.

I didn’t know what he was at the time. I couldn’t understand someone who would love to watch another person suffer so much pain. It puzzled me that anyone could do that to a person. I sat down to research the kind of people that lead double lives. I found so much information and eventually, I found all of you.

Knowing what he is helping me, but sometimes it’s so hard to keep going, but I do it. I even forced myself to start dating again. Yes, I know it won’t work, but it keeps me from sitting and crying all night. It distracts me from my pain. It keeps me from smoking (which I’d given up years ago) and from thinking about the same things over and over.

I only want the day to come when I don’t think of him anymore.

Hi Everyone,
I’ve been reading here for at least a year and it’s a healing place. (I have just read the new “Bargaining” article and that’s my life right now, will tell the story later). I just came across this article/thread and started reading the posts and I’m wondering if “kim” is ok. She is the last post in January 08. It seems nothing was said to her and I felt compelled to say to her if she is still reading that it will get better and I hope she is ok and to stay here with us.

Dear Savannah,

There are so many people that come here and post and then “disappear” off the blog and I wonder where they are, and how they are. Some, I am sure, go back to their P to “give it another try” they walk back into the FOG. I imagine there are 1000 “reasons” they never come back here, though some will go away for a while and then come back and say “Hey, I went back, it didn’t work, and I’m back to recover”

I pray for all these people and for their safety and happiness and healing. The road to Healing is a tough road, and it is a lifelong journey, not a destination. At first it is filled with broken glass and deep pits and ruts and mud and stones, but as you traverse the road, it will get smoother, and you have companions here who know the road, to hold your hand and to support you. That’s why LF is such a healing place, the wonderful and supportive and accepting people here.

When the going gets tough, come here—night or day—there is usually someone here who will post back before long. Good for you for being NC and for learning and reading. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and we have to take back our power.

Glad you are here and thanks for posting!

Thank you, None. I’ll try to keep that in mind.

I honestly can’t see the forest for all the damn trees right now. I try to tell myself that what I feel is normal and that it will not always be like this. Over and over in my head when I start to cry or be upset, I tell myself that it’s not always going to be this way, not always, one day this will stop, one day I’ll wake up and never even think of this again.

It’s how I made it past other difficult times in my life.I sure as hell hope it works this time too.

Sabinne: Keep breathing and knowing that in every exhale you breath out the toxins and in every inhale you breath in your new future.

So many of us have been through something like your experience. No one can know exactly what you are going through, but the sociopaths tend to have similar ways of operating. Because no one prepared us for this, each of us has crawled our way to this website from some place of inconceivable damage.

Hang in there. To feel devastated, overwhelmed, and all those other words, is normal. And this is survivable. And you have found a community that can understand.

Dear Sabinne,

I second what Rune says, and it WILL pass, it just is like the labor of child birth, when you are in labor and in pain, you feel like each second is unbearable and it will never pass, never end, but I promise you it WILL and in the end, if you hang in there and breathe and push, you wil “give birth” to a NEW YOU, a better you, a better life for the future.

Learning about the psychopaths and how they are, and also learning about yourself, why you were vulnerable to the fantasy they presented will help you heal.

If we don’t heal our own vulnerabilities, we end up getting involved with another one, just as I did, and many others here too. We have to keep repeating the lesson until WE GET IT RIGHT it seems. I took “remedial psychopath 101” until I got it right, and I think I have finally at age 62 gotten it right now. I see the PATTERN in them, and the PATTERN in me, why I was vulnerable to them. I was a “slow learner” but you don’t have to be, so hang in there and read and learn.

The people here have all suffered at the hands of these monsters, and we can validate you and support you, cause we have had similar experience(s) in our own life. Thre are people here on every level of the healing road, some just stepped on, and some have “Post Doctoral Studies” and others are in kindergarden, but we all support each other and that’s the great thing in this community. I’m glad you are here.

Rune: This is the best place that I could have ever found. I wish I’d known to look two years ago; I could have saved myself so much trouble. The fact is that I didn’t know what he was. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Somehow, I have to figure out a way to stop these people or if not stop them, then make a warning system.

Has anyone ever thought about writing Oprah?

Dr Leedom said:

“Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love”

Bingo!
I struggle with this concept a lot. Just putting 2 and 2 together with the help of my therapist. I did not understand that he was a s when I first entered therapy, not much after splitting with the s. I kept thinking how can he be such a monster in my mind? He helped with so many things, unsolicited. The last year of the relationship I barely did anything, he took everything out of my hands. When I did do some stuff, he would correct it or redo it. Then he projected it onto me. He purposly burned thanksgiving dinner that I was preparing and said “you think that I can’t do anything right” Total mind game.

Now that I am on my own, I realize that I am actually better than average to take care of things myself. I can put up shelves, I can patch walls etc…

I think I fell for the unsolicited help of the s is because all my life previous to meeting him I had to do everything on my own. I had no help from my parents or anyone. I probably subconsciously wished that I could have a partner who can sometimes share the burden. The s picked up on this vulnerable aspect of me.

Send this to a friend