Lately, many readers have added insightful comments to this blog. I would like to share this one and add that you may indeed know more about sociopathy than the so-called experts.
As far as charisma in sociopaths goes, my theory is this:
if a sociopath has no conscience (and no guilt), he or she might often be in a better mood – or at least appear to be in a better mood – i.e; generally more upbeat and seemingly happy with whatever is going on – than the average decent non-sociopathic person dealing with the typical ups and downs of daily life.
I have heard that when someone is feeling happy, his or her facial expressions. tone of voice, and even their pheramones and neuro-chemicals are probably more “attractive” or magnetic to others around them.
Therefore, is it possible that these happier neuro-chemicals, and aspects of body language – are responsible for increasing their charisma?
Also – if a sociopath experiences no guilt or remorse for their actions against others, and in fact does not even possess a conscience with the same rules and ability to empathize that non-sociopaths hold dear, then that would suggest that the sociopath is perfectly congruent in their happy, good moods; even when others around them are going into chaos, confusion, financial/emotional ruin, etc. as a result of the sociopath’s involvement in their lives.
And the congruency is what is so confusing and dumb-founding to the victims, because – it appears that nothing is wrong – at least from the sociopath’s view-point. I’ve heard that the congruency of a sociopath in believing their own lies is what often enables them to take a lie detector test, and pass with flying colors, because they don’t think they’re lying! (Although they are usually so intelligent, I wonder how they can not NOT know that they are lying”¦)
Further, let’s say I’d become addicted to the sociopath, and trusted him or her. When doubts came up in my mind, because of tiny indications that the sociopath was in fact a liar and perpetrator of fraud, hurt, deceipt, etc., I would then be dealing with “brain-fog” – a sense of odd and incomprehensible self-doubt, because afterall, my esteemed and trusted new friend (or counselor or spouse or whatever) certainly seems clear-headed and confident, so he/she MUST be more level-headed, and probably more right about what’s going on than I am!
An intimate relationship with a sociopath can undermine your confidence in your own intuitions. Believe me, no professional understands the sociopathic mind better than a victim. These posts prove that. Even Robert Hare states in his book, Without Conscience, that being fooled by a sociopath lead him to do his research.
Sociopathy is a condition that cannot be understood from afar or from reading books. Indeed, many professionals do not understand this condition even though they have dealt with it in practice. Personally, having interviewed many people who had sociopathic traits, kept me from seeing how different true sociopaths are from the rest of humanity.
The positive mood of sociopaths is the one feature that fools many professionals, including psychiatrists, lawyers and judges. Indeed the positive mood and confidence of the sociopath often stands in sharp contrast to the depression and helplessness of the victim.
If you feel your therapist doesn’t understand what has happened to you, you are not alone. In fact, you may be helping to educate your therapist, who can experience the impact of this condition through you. Most importantly, work to regain confidence in yourself and in your ability to be an observer of people. Chances are you are wiser than you think!
I am a very recent victim of the wrath of a sociopath. I have had major anxiety and depression when with him and now that he is gone I feel worse. Although I know he is toxic I am having a hard time with it!
I am a single mother of 2 children and still battling in court with my ex-husband (who is a narcissus). So I still have that crap to deal with.
After the divorce I then began an insane relationship with a guy 15 years younger who is a sociopath! At the time he resided with his mother and lived across the street from me!!!! He had just moved up from FL where he lived for a year with another older woman….hmmmm! After being in rehab and prison. And may be going back–Great guy!!
HE has toyed with my emotional and mental state for over a year. I then began to become unwraveld and for the sake of my children I moved. He didnt call me….I CALLED HIM!! It has been a crazy roller coaster ride which involved his family as well. When he couldnt get to me his family would and I was sucked back in! He loves me He hates me. He makes plans and never follows through, He praises me and then puts me down. Expresses that he is not faithfull and started with drug use and alcohol again. All the while leaving me to wait for his next move/mood always having my heart in agony and my mind racing!! He never has given me anything but empty promises and I ALWAYS flipped the Bill. I would try every tactic to make things better, make him see, help him and love him. To NO AVAIL, as of last week he asked for a few hundred dollas I gave it to him and never heard from him again.
He Doesnt return any of my calls. Then his family calls me looking for him, questioning me and insinuating that at this point it it is shame on me. It is hard to explain why I have an obsession for him with every minute spent thinking of him. I feel I have been part of a cult like situation that even though it is sooo wrong I cant seem to stop. I feel he has brought out my own psychotic tendencies. I am making crazy calls, driving by his house and it isnt even about the money. I still want him to call and I HATE IT!!! I am at a tug of war with myself. I am sick, sad, overwhelmed with questioning all while trying to maintain a “normal life” for my children. I need to have some strength for court battles with my ex narcisstic husband of 8 years and survive the short yet devistating relationship with the once charming sociopath who became very evil and ugly. It scares me to think that sometimes I liked it…………what is wrong with me and what do I do. I am an attractive intellegent person so why cant I stop the madness in my heart and mind? I dont think my therapist understands and I dont like to take medication. Although since this all happened I find myself self medicating, drinking too much and unable to sleep at night. I am embarressed to even post a comment but I feel I really need to reach out to someone that might shed some light my way.
Change06 – Many of us have been through this madness. I cant speak for other people but my way of dealing with it, was to read as much as possible on the internet about the disorder, how they manipulate, how you get addicted, how they do their mind control and brainwashing etc. Reading this website has been therapeutic for me and has allowed me not to burden my friends too much. I also feel great affinity with some of the people on here and some of the stories are truly courageous. You will find many common denominators in the behaviours described by people and that can be reassuring that you are not going mad and understanding how it is part of the illusion they create.
For me when I saw it all for the illusion it was, it took some of the power out of it. I have driven past his home, but I have had no urges to contact him. I have missed him, but those phases have passed. The behaviour he set up, without you knowing, was to hook you into a kind of addictive, controlling dominating relationship – much like Pavlov’s Dogs. All of what you are feeling is pretty much normal for this kind of relationship. If you read the info about captives, they feel a kind of bond to their captors – again this is all part of the manipulation.
It is a damaging relationship which will only probably get worse. I hit the bottle in the early stages and smoked double the cigarettes normally smoke – but as things settle down that will pass too – it is like going through a huge storm. I too am attractive, intelligent and it amazes me how these men are able to have no shortage of women like us. Apparently my ex has been out with some stunning women, but he is a loser, but he is an alpha male and women like this kind of masculinity. You have alot on your plate and I would suggest that you try to be kind to yourself and that you read some of the narratives here for advice. Someone said, if you are going to court, it is really important to have a good lawyer. Good Luck with your journey and I hope it gets better for you.
Change06 – Another important note. Much of the work I have done on myself as a result has been to work on myself as well. Why do I seem to get into relationships with losers, he is the last and worst one of many others. My family upbringing which was dysfunctional and how that has impacted on me and my decisions. My caring and loving nature which seems to be abused and exploited by people – and how I guard that with proper boundaries. How I choose to have better people in my life. I build my self esteem and dont allow other people to trash me. For many of us, to make some kind of treasure for yourself out of the muck of it all probably requires you to do some questionning about yourself. The bottom line is that if we are to resist being dragged down by some of these damaging people, then we must spot them at ten paces and learn how to see them off, without becoming involved with them.
Change06 – You are not alone! I am also having trouble with the “no contact” everyone is clear that we need in order to recover. There was a post on this site that is helpful from November, I can’t remember which one. Someone suggested visual imagery of golden scissors cutting the threads which was helpful…until he started calling again.
It is an addiction, but I’ve come to realize that for me it is even deeper than that. I have some unresolved childhood issues I didn’t even know were there, and until I work through those I will be vulnerable to him. I’m trying through counseling, reading books, and yes, medication for the depression! It helps with the crying and the panic attacks that I’ve never had before in my life. This website has been the best medicine. When you read all the posts and how we all seem to be involved with the same guy, you realize you are not alone. You also realize that this is what he really is, a sociopath, and not the person he pretends to be. He is a lie.
I am worried that my looking for answers is another way to understand him. And in my own sick mind I think I can figure another way to “get to him”. It is so hard for me….I too have the classic unresolved childhood issues. I believe my Father is a Narcissis, I then married a Narcissis, Divorced him and moved onto a sociopath! My additional trouble is I have a problem crying…I cant. So I get sick and do crazy things, like calling and drive by the house. Only one drive by …but many many calls.. some enraged, some funny, some just saying goodbye. As recent as this evening. No answer from him. Another depressed, anxiety driven, sleepless night for me. My friends dont fully understand. All I do is try to figure out why I allowed this AGAIN, why I love him, and why I cant get it the F**K together. He is a conning, manipulative, verbally abusive, disrespectful, inconsiderate, lying A-HOLE. But so adorable on brief moments….that I hold onto, that sucks me back. I am insane because I justify by saying if I get him back one more time I will leave him and get satisfaction. You know “beat him at his own game.” I actually tried that madness this time around but he got me….He got me good. Now I am emotionally unstable, physically looking like crap and mentally drained. Anyone want to post an email address I would appreciate that.
Change06 – I too was where you are. I went from when I met him – a confident, successful, attractive, independent woman to a jealous, depressed, internally obsessed, worried and have crazy trying to figure him out, figure us out. Everything was so One extreme to the Other that you cant figure out which way is up in the end. The hardest part now is getting over the resentment that the Sociopath walks away feeling satisfied and mighty proud that they conquered again. For me, it has helped immensely reading and writing every day on this site. It reinforces well, what your subconscious mind already knows. Now you have to train your conscious mind to be in agreement. When you have feelings of driving by or calling… try to remember that is what HE wants – he wants that control over you and wants you to crawl back. Dont give it! You are only taking away your self respect and its time to reclaim it. Sometimes we have to fake our way through things until they feel real. Even though you want to call really badly, say outloud to yourself that you do not want to call. Call your friends or family if only to distract yourself from your temporary craving. Or what I do, log on to this site and begin reading again. You wont run out of stories of people in pain and healing just like you. Its a rotten form of ending of a relationship – so very unfair – but you are the one in charge of saving you so take ownership of that. I think we all feel we almost were with the same man – take comfort in that.. that this group truly understands. Its babysteps but it does come in time, more peace.
Hi I’m new here.
I clicked on a link posted on a domestic violence website that I frequent, and I found this.
Tonight I was reading everything I could find about sociopaths, and I couldn’t resist posting.
I think every man I have been with is one. They looked to hook up quickly with me. They lied, cheated, yelled at me, stole my money. blamed me. etc.
Yet, they hid this behavior from others.
Of course they couldn’t hide it forever.
The hardest thing was me figuring out how to leave them. It is not easy cause these sociopaths are scared little children looking for someone to take care of them.
When dealing with a male sociopath. Cut off the sex, the money, dinners, no kisses, no hugs, no I love you’s. Nothing for him. When you see him coming, lock the door and pull the blinds. Make sure he sees you pulling the blinds so he gets the “hint”.
If he doesn’t get that hint, put up a “no trespassing” sign. I would say contacting the police is last resort cause your house will be labeled “a problem house”, cause if you hook up with one sociopath, you are likely to hook up with another. Too many calls to police and they are ready to take YOU to jail.
And, your abuser will figure out that he can call the police on you. I had this happen to me. I told him to move out. He showed me. He refused to move, he said I can’t make him move. He called the police on me. He said I was beating him up. The thing that got me was he was so bored while talking to 911. He stated in a bored tone that I’m beating him up. The cops came and wanted to arrest me. The cops said that if they get called back that I would go to jail. I said I can’t control this man from getting on the phone and calling 911. They repeated that I would go to jail if they get called back.
He called the police again. I didn’t go to jail, but the police kept saying I would go if they get called back.
They saw the problem. It was me. I was the common denominator in this equation. I let this guy in my house and now the police have to waste their time with his 911 calls.
Female sociopaths.
I know two of those.
They are very happy in their parasitic lifestyle. They find it’s not a parasites best interest to kill it’s host, when a slow feed will sustain the parasite for years. And, these women are fun to be with. They have loads of loyal friends.
I think it is the male sociopath that will kill you emotionally until it takes your health and you are dead.
Jeanie812:
Great insight.
Glad you found LF……there is so much info here in the various articles and postings.
I’m glad you made the decision to leave the various toxic men in your life and it appears your learning about the ‘why’ you are attractedt to this type…..to avoid it in the future……friends or lovers.
When you look into it….you really get an eye opener…..
Again, welcome to LF…..
Hi, Jeannie. I agree, better to see them coming than ever let them in your house. I couldn’t get rid of mine, either.. he wouldn’t go. He’d take the window unit out and climb into my house while I was working.
Unfortunately, I did lose my temper and strike him, and I went to jail…It’s on my record forever.
I’m glad you’re here….Good advise about not having any kind of supply to give them.
Dear Jeannie,
Also glad you are here. Keep reading, going back through the archives and read every article. There are a LOT OF THEM but each one has another grain or two of truth that will resonate with YOU. Help you get and stay safe, teach you to see the red flags early on, and to learn to set and hold on to boundaries so you are safe from “the next one” you meet! KNOWLEDGE=POWER
Again, welcome! and God bless! Oxy