This week we received the following letter from a reader of the blog. I wanted to share both the letter and my reaction to it with you:
After 30 yrs of marriage and abuse, I have finally left my passive
aggressive sociopathic narcissist husband. I have managed the No Contact fairly well, of course he is the KING of the silent treatment so it doesn’t seem to bother him.What I simply do not understand is this: We have two daughters, ages 22 and 24. We USED to have a close family, the girls were close to their dad. However after they have witnessed him abusing me, they have had a few ‘spats’ with him lately.
What completely baffles me, is that when I started the No Contact about 2 1/2 months ago, he completely stopped talking to our daughters. He hit me, and they were both angry at him, and they all argued via email and cell phones, since they live far away from us. After they got angry with him for hitting me, he cut all communication off with them. They do not call him or email him either, because they are angry and do not want to ‘beg him for his love,’ so they are all at a complete standoff.
I do not understand why he will not pursue contact of any kind. Our oldest daughter is married and having our first grandchild in a few months. She is angry at her father and yet broken hearted. She wonders if he ever thinks of her, of her pregnancy, if he cares? I don’t understand why he will not contact them, other than he is angry at them for ‘taking my side’ after he hit me, or he is a coward; afraid of how they will react to him. He used to be extremely close to them, but the older they got, the further apart they all drifted.
Both of our daughters are very strong ladies, but are not disrespectful to him. I would like to know what he is thinking or doing? Why has he cut his daughters out of his life?
Reaction 1
I wanted to entitle my next book “Stop Being Baffled” but Donna didn’t like that title so it is now Driven to Do Evil. Here is a quote from the Chapter 1:
”¦nevertheless, the (sociopath’s) behavior has baffled us because we have misunderstood the main purpose of his behavior.
Ben Bursten, M.D. The Manipulative Personality, 1971
Just what is the purpose of a sociopath’s behavior toward others? It usually boils down to either power or sex or some combination of the two.
The reason we are baffled by sociopaths is that it is hard to comprehend an inner world where the love motive does not exist. It is also hard to understand that sociopaths lack the love motive because they seem to enjoy intimacy and affection to a certain degree. It is just this enjoyment is not connected to any deep obligation to take care of another person.
So stop being baffled. He moved on because there was no real reason to interact with his daughters because they stopped being a source of power reward (also called narcissistic supply).
When you interact with a sociopath it is important to always keep in mind that he/she does not possess a love motive. By love motive I mean any need to maintain a relationship where care is given to another person independent of what is gotten in return. Sociopaths will sometimes give care when there is something in it for them.
Reaction 2
We have to educate everyone in our society about what the love and power motives are. We have to teach everyone that love means caretaking and giving, and that there are some in our families who are NOT capable of love.
Just like it is unreasonable to expect a blind person to drive a car, because he/she cannot see the road, it is unreasonable to expect a sociopath to parent.
Parenting means taking care of another person and maintaining a connection out of the joy of loving and giving. A person who cannot love has no joy in giving and so cannot parent. It is that simple.
Reaction 3
Perhaps your adult daughters would be willing to write and talk about what it feels like to have a sociopath as a parent. We need to collect these statements and use them to change our society.
Reaction 4
This disorder is familial and also related to alcoholism/addiction and ADHD. Please consider reading my book, Just Like His Father? to help you think about the needs of your grandchild.
Heaven, I have no doubt he drugged you, since mine poisoned me. but he didn’t use drugs, I had my urine tested and my hair tested for drugs (hair shows drugs for years after usage) 5 drugs were tested and all came up negative. he was using something else. I was sick for 20 plus years, but as soon as I left him, I began to feel better. But my heart began to race and suddenly I dropped 1 lb /per day for almost a month. 20lbs total. Whatever was in my system started to come out and it’s still coming out. I feel better everyday.
My God, heavenbound,you poor thing!Its almost beyond belief what he did to you and your family, trying to poison you all! I cant get my head around why he is given ANY visitation rights AT ALL after trying to poison you all? Do you have any concrete proof at all of this? Doctors reports,blood work, anything? Can you afford a good lawyer, or maybe you qualify for free legal aid? You know the saying, “the squeaky wheel gets the most oil!” Bring out your hidden Psycopath, GET VERY MAD! Surely if you make enough noise, see your local member of council,etc, something will be done!! How do you know, if your ex P partner did this before, what is to stop him from doing it again? And thats not even counting him poisoning your sons mind!! GET MAD! GET EVEN!!can you also go see your local chamber magistrate, and tell him everything youve said here? That you strongly believe your ex tried to poison you and your kids, and that you are cared shitless hell do it again! Tell him you want him out of your sons life, PERIOD! Ten is a very impressionable age, he may be grooming him to be another P! There is a time to be quiet, and calm, and there is a time to KICK ASS!! No more Mrs Nice Guy!! Your mental, emotional, and physical health, and that of your precious son is on the line, you must FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!! as never before.This is RIGHTEOUS anger, and even Jesus Himself got angry when He threw the money changers out of the Temple.Just think, in 3 years your kid will be a teen, and it will get worse, he needs help now!!Show your last LF letter to the Magistrate, tell lhim you fear for your sons mental, emotional and physical health, and you want ALL visits stopped. Period.You must stand up tall, look the Magistrate straight in the eye, and DEMAND his help.You must do this . Just think of poor Lily, gaslighted, lied to, and abused for nealry 40 years, and now all her kids are Ps!!By the way, did you ever find any packets of ratsack {rat poison} in your house,when your P did the cooking? Its a slow poispn, but if its not too long ago, they can find forensic traces of it in fingernails and hair. It may not be too late to be tested for this. Anyway, good lluck, dearest heavenbound,BE STRONG and courageous! My love and prayers are with you. Love,{{HUGS}}Mama Bear gem.XX
Thank you witsend for that
Geminigirl,
i don’t have much of a chance of being believed, I have prayed every night, morning and several times throughout each day for the Lord to make him leave us alone and if not His will then to keep His boy ( he has claimed salvation ) safe from the devil trying to destroy him. I have no proof and I have only consulted one attorney and the attorney treated me like a mom trying to crowed the “daddy” out. As well as claim our agreement isn’t any good. The agreement says he agrees he is not to prepare any food provided to my son or give him any meds or he losses all parental rights. He also agreed to a very minimum amount of visitation (something the court is going to frown on) I hoped that by him signing, it would raise red flags as well as indicate that he knew he was not trusted to prepare food or meds and that he agreed it was not safe. I didn’t get much from the attorney indicating an openness to hear things I could not prove. I was hoping to keep talking with attorney’s until I found the right one.
I don’t know how I’m going to pay for a good one, I’m banking on the Lord providing that, I am willing to make sacrifices so I believe He’ll see that through.
I am very mad, if only you knew, I’m just trying to learn, I know so little.
Nothing is to stop him from doing it again, but the Lord.
I did get fighting mad and I honestly had no support system, I discovered I had no one fully believing how dangerous our situation is. My mom and brother suffer from fear caused by my dad. and those I tried to tell, made me out to be paranoid,,,no one seems to understand that some people will do anything just to entertain themselves.
It’s why I got to hanging around here and reading and made you guys my friends even before you knew about me.
I don’t know what a magistrate is? i’m crying because I have been in a whole so long I’m stupid.
I just had not wanted to tell you all how afraid I am and what happened because so many have not believed it.
And we are all afraid so who am I?
Will it really work to show my last post to this magistrate?
My soul has been screaming for help for so long…
I can’t see to type anymore. I’m so sorry
i don’t know what I’m doing
I’ve tried to keep my boys aware but i felt like i was lossing standing with my youngest
I’M SO LOST
Heavenbound,darling You are not alone, we on Lf all believe you, and Ive been through exactly the same fear and terror with not only my ex but my P daughter who tried to kill me by throwing an industrial strength red hot steam iron at my head. Luckily it missed or I wouldnt be here now. I BELIEVE YOU!!These P are sick and evil and when its your own child you block it out. thereason Im in so much pain now is that Ive blocked most of this out for over 25 years, just to get to see my 3 grandkids.Pray to Michael, the Head of the Hierarchy of Warrior angels. He will help you!I have a print of him and I can send it to you if you contact me via my home email. {Donna will give it to you if you ask her permission.} I love you and I believe you and Im here for you, so dry your eyes, hold your head up high!! If God was able to raise lazarus from the dead, he can surely help us!!Love and {{HUGS!!}} Mama gem.XXDarling your NOT lost, here you are!!
Also, ask god to “Turn the lights on,” and give you a strategy, and a battle plan. Love, Gem.
heavenbound,
YOUR doing GREAT. Take baby steps…This is all so overwhelming.
That is why you come here to vent….It is very hard for your friends or family to digest what your telling them. The reason they can’t digest it is because we only KNOW what we KNOW.
And if they never had any personal experience with a toxic person such as this than it is impossible for them to “get it” and fully comprehend it.
Heck we can’t even believe some of what they do and we LIVED it. The crazymaking behavior is very hard to articulate.
You DO know what you know….DON’T ever doubt yourself.
That is exactly what they try to do to us….Make us doubt ourselves.
They not only don’t live in reality they try to unravel your reality as well.
Yes, I think it could work, print it out, and take it to show your chamber magistrate. you may have to make an appointment to see him or her. gem.xxAsk your city council for info, or your citizens advice bureau.
Heaven:
No, you sound like a survivor! You are okay…..you will find a way….keep putting one foot in front of another and it will open up to you…..
Read all you can, write when you feel comfortable…..smile at the moon and think of all of us!!!!
Girl…..with a S, anything is possible!!!
Don’t ever doubt yourself, remain faithful…..you will evolve on this journey and look back one day!!!!
Your boys love you……you will also evolve with them…..
You won’t win all the battles, but the war will eventually be won by you…..
Arm yourself with ‘weapons’….of education and knowledge….empower yourself…and NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
XXOO
EB
I can’t help but be afraid and well.
Thank you so much witsend. I’ll do my best to remember…I do KNOW that I KNOW, I do KNOW
I’m not sure I’m doing great though,,,why can’t i get it together… my son is at stake and i want to protect him I just don’t know how to …
Mama Bear
I hear you and I am praying for those things
Thank you both so much, I need you … I know I’m not the only one here that needs others, I just wanted to tell you that.
Erin thank you
Please help me to stay straight with one foot in front of the other…
I love you guys!
witsend
I am so overwhelmed
I feel like my world is just spinning out of control and I can’t see for the dizziness