This week we received the following letter from a reader of the blog. I wanted to share both the letter and my reaction to it with you:
After 30 yrs of marriage and abuse, I have finally left my passive
aggressive sociopathic narcissist husband. I have managed the No Contact fairly well, of course he is the KING of the silent treatment so it doesn’t seem to bother him.What I simply do not understand is this: We have two daughters, ages 22 and 24. We USED to have a close family, the girls were close to their dad. However after they have witnessed him abusing me, they have had a few ‘spats’ with him lately.
What completely baffles me, is that when I started the No Contact about 2 1/2 months ago, he completely stopped talking to our daughters. He hit me, and they were both angry at him, and they all argued via email and cell phones, since they live far away from us. After they got angry with him for hitting me, he cut all communication off with them. They do not call him or email him either, because they are angry and do not want to ‘beg him for his love,’ so they are all at a complete standoff.
I do not understand why he will not pursue contact of any kind. Our oldest daughter is married and having our first grandchild in a few months. She is angry at her father and yet broken hearted. She wonders if he ever thinks of her, of her pregnancy, if he cares? I don’t understand why he will not contact them, other than he is angry at them for ‘taking my side’ after he hit me, or he is a coward; afraid of how they will react to him. He used to be extremely close to them, but the older they got, the further apart they all drifted.
Both of our daughters are very strong ladies, but are not disrespectful to him. I would like to know what he is thinking or doing? Why has he cut his daughters out of his life?
Reaction 1
I wanted to entitle my next book “Stop Being Baffled” but Donna didn’t like that title so it is now Driven to Do Evil. Here is a quote from the Chapter 1:
”¦nevertheless, the (sociopath’s) behavior has baffled us because we have misunderstood the main purpose of his behavior.
Ben Bursten, M.D. The Manipulative Personality, 1971
Just what is the purpose of a sociopath’s behavior toward others? It usually boils down to either power or sex or some combination of the two.
The reason we are baffled by sociopaths is that it is hard to comprehend an inner world where the love motive does not exist. It is also hard to understand that sociopaths lack the love motive because they seem to enjoy intimacy and affection to a certain degree. It is just this enjoyment is not connected to any deep obligation to take care of another person.
So stop being baffled. He moved on because there was no real reason to interact with his daughters because they stopped being a source of power reward (also called narcissistic supply).
When you interact with a sociopath it is important to always keep in mind that he/she does not possess a love motive. By love motive I mean any need to maintain a relationship where care is given to another person independent of what is gotten in return. Sociopaths will sometimes give care when there is something in it for them.
Reaction 2
We have to educate everyone in our society about what the love and power motives are. We have to teach everyone that love means caretaking and giving, and that there are some in our families who are NOT capable of love.
Just like it is unreasonable to expect a blind person to drive a car, because he/she cannot see the road, it is unreasonable to expect a sociopath to parent.
Parenting means taking care of another person and maintaining a connection out of the joy of loving and giving. A person who cannot love has no joy in giving and so cannot parent. It is that simple.
Reaction 3
Perhaps your adult daughters would be willing to write and talk about what it feels like to have a sociopath as a parent. We need to collect these statements and use them to change our society.
Reaction 4
This disorder is familial and also related to alcoholism/addiction and ADHD. Please consider reading my book, Just Like His Father? to help you think about the needs of your grandchild.
heavenbound,
Of course you are overwhelmed. It is alot to deal with.
Just being a single parent is a full time job, let alone having to deal with all of the rest.
Small baby steps. Listen to your gut, or instinct. Don’t question yourself on what happened. You know what you know. Always tell yourself that.
If you are not done with your court case with him document everything. (just for your own personal records)
Just remember when you go to court, just bring the documentation that is factual.
All the emotional blackmail and stuff he might pull on you, on an emotional level, best to not bring that into the courtroom.
Take one day at a time….Sometimes that helps when your overwhelmed.
Heaven:
Or one minute at a time….sometimes it gets to that!
There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
USE ALL THE DOCUMETATION like wits suggests!
Keep to only facts, turn off emotions when dealing with an attorney ….this is the hard part…..stick to the facts, and what you have documented……
Really….go back and read what others have written about court and the S’s…..it’s a chess game nad you have to have a strategy…….
I don’t know your timing….but if you got a bit of time…..take it and gather your strength…..getting angry helps with gaining stregnth…..
Once you hit anger….look out…..you’ll be a tiger……
This is how I turned into such a tiger…..I wasn’t always like this…..but I had to be!!!!!
I fought him and cancer and other illnesses…..If I CAN DO IT…..so can anyone!!!!!
Go get em girl…..
go look in the mirror and really see yourself….talk to that person in the mirror….get to know HER…..tell her what you feel, how you want to feel and make a plan with HER!!!!
You have to manage yourself like a business right now…..Sleep enough, eat well and excercise a bit…..take care of you…..and you’ll have the energy for battle……
REALLY……Heaven….If I can eat S balls for breakfast…..get that dang frying pan out girl…….you’ll be cooking his up very soon!!!!!!!
Wit, What can I document that will help…I mean I am documenting everything, but I don’t really see anything that will help…so what kinds of stuff can I expect to start showing in your opinion that will help.
For now we don’t communicate except visitation time and that’s short. Well the behaviors in my son might begin to say something
erin, I sure can’t wait for the tiger to kick in …it sure seems like one minute at a time…sometimes i don’t post because i’m so different from one minute to the next that i’m just going to contradict myself.
hevenbound,
Well anything out of the ordinary about visitation with the boys for one. Even lack of consistancy when they are concerned.
HOWEVER if he gets to the point where he isn’t seeing them at ALL, (or rarely) you might not want to use that against him. Because that would be a GOOD thing.
It would aslo be something to investigate if you could have a hair sample tested to see if he drugged you and your kids.
If it hasn’t been more than a year ago? THAT would make it possible for him to never see the kids again. If he drugged them to make them sick that would be serious, I would think.
How do I prove he did it even if I get results showing something, he will say he didn’t
Wit,
I just saw on the other thread that your going to bed…Goodnight and thank you so very much for your help. love hugs and prayers heavenbound
Wow, I started out with questions, got some answers, got excited, and then completely spiraled out of control didn’t I?
I’m so sorry for the drama, last night.
I still have a lot to learn I see. and I still have a lot of recovering to do as well. But my boys and I are fine, God will take care of us…He has everything in his control, always has and always will!
With Him i can do this!
I don’t know how it sounded to everyone about my mom and brother…They do know and believe. They just suffer a fear as I do from being trained not to stand up…We are overcoming.
I have calmed down this morning,,,One step at a time.
Thank you everyone for the advise and encouragement and prayers and love.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day
and
witsend I’ll be praying for you, yours, and your dog.
Dear Heavenbound,
Of course your emotions change every minute, every day, back and forth, up and down, that is what this does to us, but accept that about what is going on now, it is a phase of the anger/grief/fear/loss/hurt/anxiety/worry etc. and you will bounce around like a rubber ball. It is okay to post from position 1 and then an hour later post from position 7, LOL We have most of us been through just those things, and we don’t think you are crazy for contradicting yourself. It is all part of lthe process.
it is at least good that you recognize it, but when you are dealing with the lawyers, courts, and the ex you must at least APPEAR calm and collected and NOT respond in anger.
THINK before you respond to anything, take a deep breath when you are with the attorney or your x of wherever there is someone else around and ask yourself, WHAT ARE MY FEELINGS? Then answer that question, “I am angry” (or whatever is appropriate) and then say, inside yourself “I am angry, but I can control this FEELING and not let it make me do something I will regret later.” Use your POWER, it is there, we just have to remind ourselves we can be angry and still function.
Courage is NOT the lack of fear, it is being scared chitless and still doing what you have to do.
Be courageous, you can do it. I KNOW YOU CAN. Just say a little prayer for strength and wisdom and then feel that strength inside. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
OxDrover,
Thank you for your advice I will do my best! I sure do need all the encouragement I can get right now so thank you very very much for encouraging me as well!
Please do pray for me and my boys, we need them!
Guess What !!!!
I was telling my mom about joey buti ,oh, whatever, anyway I said ‘sociopath’ and my youngest wanted to know what that was. I told him and guess what he said….”that sounds like “p”. Can you believe it, all that worrying …I’m amazed…Just look how God works! Now if I can just follow through correctly…I just said “Oh?” he said “yeah” I told him there are quite a few people where p/s and that we had to learn how to recognize it and protect ourselves from the toxic behavior! I explained toxic and what that meant to us! He agreed that we needed to!!!!!!!!!!
My oldest already knows and understands more than I do probably!!!
I’m so relieved and I just can’t tell you how excited And grateful to God I am!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t think I can thank ALL OF YOU enough either!!!!!
This is such a big deal to me… I have been so worried and sick about how to get it all started without talking about his father and teetering on PAS
Pray I stay in God’s plan and don’t take it on my own!!!