This week we received the following letter from a reader of the blog. I wanted to share both the letter and my reaction to it with you:
After 30 yrs of marriage and abuse, I have finally left my passive
aggressive sociopathic narcissist husband. I have managed the No Contact fairly well, of course he is the KING of the silent treatment so it doesn’t seem to bother him.What I simply do not understand is this: We have two daughters, ages 22 and 24. We USED to have a close family, the girls were close to their dad. However after they have witnessed him abusing me, they have had a few ‘spats’ with him lately.
What completely baffles me, is that when I started the No Contact about 2 1/2 months ago, he completely stopped talking to our daughters. He hit me, and they were both angry at him, and they all argued via email and cell phones, since they live far away from us. After they got angry with him for hitting me, he cut all communication off with them. They do not call him or email him either, because they are angry and do not want to ‘beg him for his love,’ so they are all at a complete standoff.
I do not understand why he will not pursue contact of any kind. Our oldest daughter is married and having our first grandchild in a few months. She is angry at her father and yet broken hearted. She wonders if he ever thinks of her, of her pregnancy, if he cares? I don’t understand why he will not contact them, other than he is angry at them for ‘taking my side’ after he hit me, or he is a coward; afraid of how they will react to him. He used to be extremely close to them, but the older they got, the further apart they all drifted.
Both of our daughters are very strong ladies, but are not disrespectful to him. I would like to know what he is thinking or doing? Why has he cut his daughters out of his life?
Reaction 1
I wanted to entitle my next book “Stop Being Baffled” but Donna didn’t like that title so it is now Driven to Do Evil. Here is a quote from the Chapter 1:
”¦nevertheless, the (sociopath’s) behavior has baffled us because we have misunderstood the main purpose of his behavior.
Ben Bursten, M.D. The Manipulative Personality, 1971
Just what is the purpose of a sociopath’s behavior toward others? It usually boils down to either power or sex or some combination of the two.
The reason we are baffled by sociopaths is that it is hard to comprehend an inner world where the love motive does not exist. It is also hard to understand that sociopaths lack the love motive because they seem to enjoy intimacy and affection to a certain degree. It is just this enjoyment is not connected to any deep obligation to take care of another person.
So stop being baffled. He moved on because there was no real reason to interact with his daughters because they stopped being a source of power reward (also called narcissistic supply).
When you interact with a sociopath it is important to always keep in mind that he/she does not possess a love motive. By love motive I mean any need to maintain a relationship where care is given to another person independent of what is gotten in return. Sociopaths will sometimes give care when there is something in it for them.
Reaction 2
We have to educate everyone in our society about what the love and power motives are. We have to teach everyone that love means caretaking and giving, and that there are some in our families who are NOT capable of love.
Just like it is unreasonable to expect a blind person to drive a car, because he/she cannot see the road, it is unreasonable to expect a sociopath to parent.
Parenting means taking care of another person and maintaining a connection out of the joy of loving and giving. A person who cannot love has no joy in giving and so cannot parent. It is that simple.
Reaction 3
Perhaps your adult daughters would be willing to write and talk about what it feels like to have a sociopath as a parent. We need to collect these statements and use them to change our society.
Reaction 4
This disorder is familial and also related to alcoholism/addiction and ADHD. Please consider reading my book, Just Like His Father? to help you think about the needs of your grandchild.
I’d like to add…
People who borrow money.
Dear Chic,
Yes, that is a good one. I have borrowed money in emergencies in the past, but I always paid it back.
On eof the things I notice about people borrowing money or oweing money is….is it for a “toy” or a “need.” AND do they buy more toys while not repaying the loan to you or meeting their own NEEDS? Or do they borrow a small amount and not pay it back?
If a person manages their money well and an emergency comes up that catches them in a tight, I would be more prone to loan them money than to someone who “blows” all their money on toys and then needs a new car and doesn’t have the money to provide for this need.
When my kids were living at home in highschool and college, their working money went 1/3 to me for room and board, and one third to them for expenses and 1/3 into savings for emergencies like car repairs or medical bills, etc. My “good sons” both are thrifty and do not buy “toys” when they can’t afford to fix their cars. They are both religious about paying their bills and meeting their own expenses.
Yesterday I spent $180 getting my little cat spayed and vetted because she had to come live in the house because my son C’s psychopathic cats were persecuting her outside, and my son C plopped down half that since “it was my cats that made it necessary.” I didn’t expect that, but took it and said “thank you” because his cats WERE responsible for my expense.
People who are responsible pay their own ways to the best of their abilities. they contribute their share.
When son C moved home, he did not work for several months with my agreement because I thought he needed some time off to “reflect on his navel lint” and to have a low stress environment. He “paid” his share around here by working to help his brother and me catch up on some work on the farm. Now that he is employed again, he contributes both financially (1/3 of his take home pay) and does a reduced but significant amount of work around here to help maintain the “family benefit”—Because we work together as a family, we have more comfortable living conditions, reduced living costs, and a better life style than we would have if we didn’t share resources, talents, support and time. I am extremely blessed to have my sons as a support network and vice versa. Not many family units work together as well as ours does. Each of us has our own space and separate activities, but we also share a pool of friends, associates, interests, ,and activities. It benefits us all under the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Unfortunately for her, my egg donor has opted out of this support group because she has chosen to not be cooperative and honest and to contribute courtesy, honesty, understanding and compassion. She seems to think that if she tries to ‘buy” our “love” with money that will allow her a pass on the other things. I am proud to say that neither of my good sons buys this, only the P does.
I think this is toxic:
Friends who never call, even though you have been trying to keep the friendship alive.
Dear Chic,
Yes, or toxic people who keep inviting themselves and don’t “get it” that you never invite them.
People who don’t call may not be so much actively “toxic” as just not being concerned. Unfortunately, many times the Ps pollute our pond of “friendships” and people go away because of many reasons, or sometimes people just get tired of our “one song” of distress because they cant relate.
People move on away from “friendships” or acquaintences for many reasons, distance, time, lack of shared or common interests, etc. I have found I am better off with one or two people I stay close to than “many” “friends.”
Someone wise once said “the man who has many friends, has none.” I think that is true. Having a FEW or even 1 or two INTIMATE friends (vs. many people with shallow relationships) are better off and have a more satisfying friendship. I made that decision many years ago to spend more time with those I truly am friends with and less time with the acquaintences in my life. My life was “too busy” spending time with people who were simply “acquaintences” that I didn’t have time for my close friends. I have friends of >30 years and I nurture those few close friendships.
There are also acquaintences I know tha tI enjoy spending some time with but over all, my int6imate friends are very few. Having ANY intimate friends takes a lot of work, shared interests and shared moral compasses.
Think about the “most popular girl” (or guy) in your high school. How many of those “friends” does that man or woman maintain close frienships with today?
I think of the young mothers I was friends with when my kids were little and we were good friends, but I have moved states several times since then and we have lost contact through the years. That is just how things work.
If you lack friends, get out and meet new people to actively become friends with, people who share your interestss, and who share your moral compass and life styles. Start slowly and cautiously when you meet newe people to see that they really are what they seem to be. Volunteer work, churches, activity clubs and other places are good places to start.
Or go take an adult education class on something that you would liek to learn. There are some great classes available not too far from me, from pottery to a second language that cost little or nothing. Doing these positive things for yourself will help fill your time, raise your spirits and hellp you find and make new friends.
You know whats great about LF? The people I’m friends with here, I know that I would never have met or gotten to know in the real world. Because we are all such different ages and personalities, we probably would never have gravitated to each other and that would have been such a loss for me.
I wish we could all meet and hang out together, then finally I could sit in a room with someone and not wonder if they are a P! lol.
Shabby – Can I borrow 20 bucks? Dont remember who told the frog joke but thanx _ I have been making people laugh all day..lmaorotf I am out of here for a few days and nights – hugz to all…henry
henry, LMAO!! Have a nice time!!
Shabbychic,
You know, I’ve read many of your posts on LF as I read many from other members also. Keeps me up to date on y’alls healing progress. Furthermore, my affinity with the compassionate, loving and caring people on here is a positive addiction, one in which I won’t surrender!…haha.
Saying that, I think you’re much more introspective than you give yourself credit for. First, you wanted answers to the disturbing, yet justified, questions wandering through your head. Hence, finding the LF website.
Only persons who seek powerful knowledge, insight, education would even wish to rip aside the black veil that obscures reality, profound universal truth. You did that by being amonst kindred and highly intelligent, wise members.
It takes a formidable analytical, logical, sensible mind to weed through countless deceptive websites out there, that are misleading and downright fallacious! You did that by venturing into LF space.
It also takes some thought and preparation in creating posts and responses to other folks on here. You do that daily.
So, in conclusion, let’s focus on the wonderful qualities you possess (and they are many) instead of those imagined “flaws” you think exist.
You’re an awesome woman, educating yourself and arming yourself with fundamental self preservation skills to protect you from future predation.
And also, gaining priceless friends while traveling your own personal journey.
xxoooxxx…
Peace, Love and Joy
🙂
JaneSmith, thank you for pointing out some of my good points! I guess I tend to dwell on some negative aspects of myself. I have gained a priceless education and many friends here, you are right!!! I agree, it’s not easy to “rip aside the black veil that obscures realty”, that part is tough, so I tell others to be strong — and then turn into a weenie myself! I’m learning / working on it!! Thank you from my heart.
Hens….gonna miss our nights together baby!
Have a good time…wherever your off to and……
Remain true to yourself!
XXOO
EB