ASK DR. LEEDOM: Why has my husband cut our daughters out of his life?

Dear Chic,

Yes, that is a good one. I have borrowed money in emergencies in the past, but I always paid it back.

On eof the things I notice about people borrowing money or oweing money is….is it for a “toy” or a “need.” AND do they buy more toys while not repaying the loan to you or meeting their own NEEDS? Or do they borrow a small amount and not pay it back?

If a person manages their money well and an emergency comes up that catches them in a tight, I would be more prone to loan them money than to someone who “blows” all their money on toys and then needs a new car and doesn’t have the money to provide for this need.

When my kids were living at home in highschool and college, their working money went 1/3 to me for room and board, and one third to them for expenses and 1/3 into savings for emergencies like car repairs or medical bills, etc. My “good sons” both are thrifty and do not buy “toys” when they can’t afford to fix their cars. They are both religious about paying their bills and meeting their own expenses.

Yesterday I spent $180 getting my little cat spayed and vetted because she had to come live in the house because my son C’s psychopathic cats were persecuting her outside, and my son C plopped down half that since “it was my cats that made it necessary.” I didn’t expect that, but took it and said “thank you” because his cats WERE responsible for my expense.

People who are responsible pay their own ways to the best of their abilities. they contribute their share.

When son C moved home, he did not work for several months with my agreement because I thought he needed some time off to “reflect on his navel lint” and to have a low stress environment. He “paid” his share around here by working to help his brother and me catch up on some work on the farm. Now that he is employed again, he contributes both financially (1/3 of his take home pay) and does a reduced but significant amount of work around here to help maintain the “family benefit”—Because we work together as a family, we have more comfortable living conditions, reduced living costs, and a better life style than we would have if we didn’t share resources, talents, support and time. I am extremely blessed to have my sons as a support network and vice versa. Not many family units work together as well as ours does. Each of us has our own space and separate activities, but we also share a pool of friends, associates, interests, ,and activities. It benefits us all under the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Unfortunately for her, my egg donor has opted out of this support group because she has chosen to not be cooperative and honest and to contribute courtesy, honesty, understanding and compassion. She seems to think that if she tries to ‘buy” our “love” with money that will allow her a pass on the other things. I am proud to say that neither of my good sons buys this, only the P does.

Dear Chic,

Yes, or toxic people who keep inviting themselves and don’t “get it” that you never invite them.

People who don’t call may not be so much actively “toxic” as just not being concerned. Unfortunately, many times the Ps pollute our pond of “friendships” and people go away because of many reasons, or sometimes people just get tired of our “one song” of distress because they cant relate.

People move on away from “friendships” or acquaintences for many reasons, distance, time, lack of shared or common interests, etc. I have found I am better off with one or two people I stay close to than “many” “friends.”

Someone wise once said “the man who has many friends, has none.” I think that is true. Having a FEW or even 1 or two INTIMATE friends (vs. many people with shallow relationships) are better off and have a more satisfying friendship. I made that decision many years ago to spend more time with those I truly am friends with and less time with the acquaintences in my life. My life was “too busy” spending time with people who were simply “acquaintences” that I didn’t have time for my close friends. I have friends of >30 years and I nurture those few close friendships.

There are also acquaintences I know tha tI enjoy spending some time with but over all, my int6imate friends are very few. Having ANY intimate friends takes a lot of work, shared interests and shared moral compasses.

Think about the “most popular girl” (or guy) in your high school. How many of those “friends” does that man or woman maintain close frienships with today?

I think of the young mothers I was friends with when my kids were little and we were good friends, but I have moved states several times since then and we have lost contact through the years. That is just how things work.

If you lack friends, get out and meet new people to actively become friends with, people who share your interestss, and who share your moral compass and life styles. Start slowly and cautiously when you meet newe people to see that they really are what they seem to be. Volunteer work, churches, activity clubs and other places are good places to start.

Or go take an adult education class on something that you would liek to learn. There are some great classes available not too far from me, from pottery to a second language that cost little or nothing. Doing these positive things for yourself will help fill your time, raise your spirits and hellp you find and make new friends.