How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Lured and caught by a sociopath

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following article from a reader called "Makemenew2012." She describes how she was lured and caught by a sociopath. The Lure I met my second husband, an African immigrant, on a social media site in early January of this year. Mr. C (as I'll refer to him) connected with me through a mutual acquaintance and began sending me e-mails every day. At first, his messages seemed rather innocent— Mr. C asked how my day was going, what the weather was like, etc. But after a few days, he began fishing for information, inquiring about my husband and children. The first time, I ignored his question and responded on my own behalf. The next time, I replied that I di …

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10 reasons why the fireworks of a romance with a sociopath are duds

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UPDATED FOR 2025. In honor of July 4th, let’s talk about fireworks — the really dangerous kind. These are the fireworks that you feel exploding all around you early in your relationship with someone who later turns out to be a sociopath. Unfortunately, the fireworks of a romance with a sociopath are duds. Here’s what you see and experience, and what it really going on. 1. You see: Nonstop texts, emails and social media postings Reality: You’re not the only one receiving them. The Internet and social media make it easy for sociopaths to work multiple targets at once, and they do. 2. You experience: Conversations that last for hours Reality: The sociopath is pumping you for information, which h …

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Real hope, false hope and sociopaths

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Sociopaths promise to make your hopes and dreams come true. It’s their most insidious seduction strategy. Yet when their promises crash and burn — as they inevitably will — real hope is the emotional force that can help you overcome the betrayal.  Real hope Hope isn’t just wishful thinking. New research shows that hope is a powerful emotional force that directly fosters a sense of meaning. After you discover the lies, when you’re trying to escape and recover from a sociopath, hope is the sense that a better future is possible. Traditionally, psychology researchers have tied hope to goal-setting and motivation. But Megan Edwards, lead author of the University of Missour …

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9 reasons why you can’t spot the sociopath’s lies

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All sociopaths lie. Lying is their most basic and common manipulative behavior, and they are very good at it. But research shows that people can usually identify a lie only 53 percent of the time. Here are nine reasons why you can’t spot the sociopaths’ lies. Most of the reasons relate to them, but a few relate to you. 1. Everything is a lie Once you realize that you’re dealing with a sociopath, you must understand that absolutely anything he or she has ever said to you could be a lie. Sociopaths lie like they breathe. If you don’t have independent verification of what he or she has said to you, it may be false. This may be really difficult for you to grasp. When normal people lie, i …

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10 Crucial strategies for leaving the sociopath

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Escaping sociopaths (or antisocials, narcissists, and psychopaths) can be tricky. Some disordered partners are violent, but even when they’re not, they’re typically skilled at controlling you through emotional or psychological intimidation, making it hard for you to leave. If sociopaths sense you are pulling away, they will either charm and love bomb you until you change your mind or lash out and make your situation worse. Therefore, your objective is to escape before your sociopathic partner realizes what you are doing.  10 crucial strategies for leaving Here are 10 crucial strategies for leaving the sociopath that will help you get away — and stay away. 1. Keep your mouth s …

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Sociopaths prime you to ignore reports of their bad behavior

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The sociopath’s greatest skill is probably impression management. They are excellent at presenting themselves in a positive light — even when they have a long history of abusive relationships, exploitation, unstable finances and even criminal convictions. One of their tricks is priming you in advance to ignore reports of their bad behavior. The most fundamental sociopathic strategy for preventing you from learning what they truly are — lying, cheating parasites — is to keep you away from anyone who knows their past. This is one reason why sociopaths typically move around a lot — when they’ve caused too many problems in one town, they relocate to a new town where nobody knows them o …

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Sociopaths in long-distance relationships: 7 reasons why it’s hard to spot them

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UPDATED FOR 2025. Today, if you’re looking for romance, you aren’t limited to searching your local community. With online dating apps, texting and video calls like Facetime and Zoom, you can meet and stay in contact with potential partners in distant cities, states and countries. It may seem like you have worldwide romantic possibilities — but you also need to be on the lookout for sociopaths in long-distance relationships. Quite frankly, long-distance relationships are dangerous. Sociopaths can be difficult to recognize when you’re around them every day. If you only see them in real life intermittently — well, they can run their scams and manipulations almost indefinitely and you will nev …

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Asking the wrong question about coercive controllers

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Coercive control is a pattern of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten the victim. Where does this behavior come from? A Lovefraud reader sent me an article by Dr. Emma Katz, who describes herself as a “globally respected expert in coercive control, domestic violence and domestic abuse.” I invite you to read the article: She didn’t “pick wrong.” Society failed by creating millions of abusive men. In her article, Katz says there are so many abusers in the world that “we need to stop blaming women for ‘ignoring red flags’ when men turn out to be controlling and abusive partners.” I listened to Katz speak on a few podcasts …

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Book Review: How to Do the Inner Work

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How to Do the Inner Work: A guide to self-discovery, empowerment, and emotional healing, by Susanne Madsen Review by Donna Andersen The key to recovery from the sociopath is healing your heart. I’ve said this many times in my blog articles, videos and to my coaching clients. But how do you do it? A new book by Susanne Madsen, How to Do the Inner Work, is a clear, concise guidebook for exactly that. Sociopaths are evil. They create havoc in our lives. Their behavior is criminal, or it should be. And they often get away with their bad behavior with little to no consequences. We do our best to fight them, or at least save ourselves. In the end, we usually need to come to terms w …

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Your split brain: Why you still love the abuser

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Perhaps you’ve had the following experience: Your new beau showered you with so much attention and affection that you fell in love. Then, slowly or quickly, your partner became deceitful, mean, disparaging and maybe even violent. You were shocked, angry and heartbroken, so you distanced yourself. But after a while, your memory of the bad behavior faded, and you just thought of the good times. You still love the abuser and want to reunite.  How is this possible? When your romantic partner lies, cheats, betrays, exploits or abuses you, how can you ever forget that, and why would you return for more? The explanation is rooted in biology. Dr. Liane Leedom, a psychiatrist and professor …

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