How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Looking for a date, I found a sociopath and a spiritual path

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Back in the summer of 1996, when I logged onto the America Online Love section, I had no idea that it would be the beginning of a journey that would change my life. I was looking for a date. I found a sociopath — and also a spiritual path.I was single, had never been married and was about to turn 40 — yes, I heard that biological clock ticking very loudly. I ran my own copywriting business and finally, after 13 years of struggle, I was making good money.  Maybe, I hoped, it was finally time for me to be happy.I’d previously tried personal ads, back when we actually placed classified ads in newspapers or magazines and responded by sending physical letters through the mail. It was an …

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To survive a sociopath, we sometimes act like a sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2025. I almost didn't recognize myself. There I was, plotting with my cheating husband's mistress to steal money from his bank account. I was acting like a sociopath, although at the time I didn't know that my husband was a sociopath.Before I married James Montgomery, I never would have considered such an action.  But after he convinced me to blow $227,000 on his ridiculous business schemes, and after I discovered that my entire marriage was a scam, I was angry, broke and desperate. I did what I had to do to survive.Maybe because of your own entanglement with a sociopath, you've found yourself doing things that you never, ever did before. This happened to "Stevie2018," who …

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After the sociopath, how to mend your broken heart

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Sociopaths do not have the ability to love — but they’re really good at faking it. That’s one of the many true statements that I made in my TEDx talk. I was censored by TED — I don’t know why — so I finally re-recorded my speech and posted it on Youtube. I hope to warn you that sociopaths live among us, so you can protect yourself.But what if you’ve already encountered a sociopath? What if you’ve been deceived and betrayed, and you don’t know how or why it happened? What if you’re still in shock, or angry at yourself, or stuck in grief over the loss of your dreams?How to mend your broken heartIn my view, mending your broken heart is a process. It includes three broad categories of recovery — …

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Please share my talk about sociopaths — TED censored it

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Millions of sociopaths live among us. They do not have the ability to authentically love. They view people as objects to be used. This was the topic of my TEDx called, How to protect yourself from sociopaths. TED censored my speech.After waiting for two years for TED to include my video on its website, I decided enough was enough. I just re-recorded my speech and posted it on Youtube, Rumble and Lovefraud. I invite you to watch it.My speech in June 2022TED, which is headquartered in New York and Vancouver, says its mission is to research and discover “ideas worth spreading.” TEDx speaking events are run by local organizations under licenses issued by TED. I spoke at TEDx Roland Park, Mar …

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Three miserable Christmases with the sociopath, and how to heal from the memories

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UPDATED FOR 2024. I spent three Christmases with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. Every one of them was stressful, unhappy, worrisome and bereft of joyful holiday spirit. Now, however, I've recovered, and my Christmases are happy and loving. You, too, can recover. I promise.Here are my stories of Christmas Past:Christmas 1996We had known each other for five months. We'd already had a secret wedding in Australia with his friends and family. For friends and family in New Jersey, we were planning another wedding in January, complete with bridesmaids, a fancy reception for 60 guests and a six-piece band. Montgomery had already blown through $50,000 of my money and credit, and I did …

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3 steps to prevent a sociopath from taking advantage of your vulnerabilities

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UPDATED FOR 2024. "Is it really a vulnerability to respond to somebody (apparently) liking and desiring you? Is that not just a basic human need that we all want to have fulfilled?" The Lovefraud reader Dorabella asked these questions on a story that I posted previously, The sociopath as your soul mate. They are great questions. The answers are: Yes, it's a vulnerability to respond to someone desiring you, and yes, it's a basic human need. So although these are vulnerabilities, they are also normal human qualities. To be human is to have vulnerabilities. A vulnerability is a weak point, and whenever we want something, that creates a weak point. Most of us want a romantic relationships, so if …

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Here’s the absolutely best way to protect yourself from sociopaths

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Yes, you can avoid letting a sociopath into your life. All you have to do is listen to your intuition. Security expert Gavin deBecker, who wrote The Gift of Fear, explains that intuition evolved within us over the millennia for one reason: To protect us from predators. Sociopaths are predators, and our intuition will warn us about them. The key is to pay attention. Sometimes the warning is blatant — one woman told me about feeling instantly terrified when a man approached her. But instead of heeding her internal warning, she berated herself for being judgmental — after all, the man had done nothing to her. She talked to him; they became romantically involved; he was, in f …

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A sociopath explains how she loves

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UPDATED FOR 2024. If you're like most Lovefraud readers, you're here because you were romantically involved with a sociopath. This person probably declared love for you repeatedly, exuberantly and convincingly. Then the individual lied to you, betrayed you, cheated on you, abused you and perhaps even threatened you.You were left stunned, distraught and devastated. How could someone who loved you treat you so badly?A letter Lovefraud received from a self-identified sociopath explains how she loves. It might help you understand why that person's love was so shallow:I have read several articles on your site out of curiosity and boredom over the past few weeks, and I agree with almost all of …

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15 valuable lessons from ‘The Sociopath Next Door’

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UPDATED FOR 2024. The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout, Ph.D., is a classic for describing sociopathic behavior. I read the book when it was first published in early 2005, shortly before Lovefraud launched. Thirteen years later, I read read it again.I've learned a lot about sociopaths during those 13 years, so the second read was certainly a different experience. The first time I read the book, much of what Stout wrote was a revelation. Here are my observations from the second time around: Stout does a good job of describing sociopathic motivation, but her book fails to capture how dangerous and destructive these people are.The reason, I believe, is that this was never a book about …

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When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. You've felt like something was off about your romantic partner for a long time, but you could never quite figure out what it was. Then, suddenly and harshly, you learn the truth. You discover that this person is cheating on you. Or forged your signature to open up credit cards. Or has kids you never knew about. Or is only pretending to go to work every day. Or is married to someone else. However it happened, you learn that your partner is betraying you. Your first instinct is to confront your partner and demand answers. DON'T DO IT. When you learn what is really going on, the best thing you can do is nothing, at least temporarily. Do not lash out. Instead, no matter how …

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