How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?”

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“How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” are two questions that often haunt victims of sociopaths. The reason we are haunted by these questions varies but often stems from the habit of over-focusing on the sociopath instead of ourselves. That being said, victims also have a healthy ”˜need to know' that can help with recovery and healing. I struggled with these questions in my own healing. I remain baffled by my observations of enjoyment of affection on the part of sociopaths. Early on, I told my own therapist that I had come to the conclusion that sociopaths exploit those close to them to the point of death, then, cry at the funeral. At the moment the tears are shed, I bel …

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Why do we say sociopaths are like animals?

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"He's an animal!" is a statement commonly made regarding sociopaths. To those like me who love animals, this comparison is a bit distasteful. However, this week we will see that this statement may indeed be true. Previously, I introduced the idea of the Inner Triangle. The Inner Triangle is a way to understand the hows and whys of sociopathy, and to predict how a sociopath will behave in a given situation. The Inner Triangle consists of our Ability to Love, Impulse Control, and Moral Reasoning. I have already described Ability to Love and Impulse Control, and the relationship these have to the disorder. This week we will discuss the Moral Reasoning of sociopaths. Animals do not possess …

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“Would somebody please tell me why he did this!”

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“Would somebody please tell me why he did this?” is one of the most common questions victims of sociopaths have. Three weeks ago I introduced the idea that the Inner Triangle can help each of us understand the individual sociopath that infected our lives. The Inner Triangle is formed by three qualities that develop in concert during childhood. These three qualities are Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Last week I discussed the concept of Ability to Love. Lack of Ability to Love defines those with sociopathy. No less important however, is the lack of Impulse Control, also universally found in people with this disorder. What is Impulse Control? I'm sure many of you not …

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Love not lovefraud

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Within the last 6 months, I received word that my ex-husband (still in prison after having destroyed my life) pledges undying love for me. One of the most disturbing after-affects of a relationship with a sociopath is confusion about love. As part of my own healing, I resolved to study the scientific literature to understand what is known of the nature of love. I will summarize my findings here but also please visit Ability to Love. Attachment is what causes us to stick together Although there are many other species that live solitary lives, humans are social creatures. That means we stick together. Scientists have called this tendency to stick together "attachment." Attachment is part of …

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The Inner Triangle: a means of understanding sociopaths

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April, 2003, nearly four years ago, the police removed my then husband from my office in handcuffs. Following his arrest, the stories came rolling in. People called to say, “I never told you this but”¦” When the shock of it all wore off, I had to admit I had failed to make the most important diagnosis of my life, that of sociopathy in the man I married. I knew I had to understand, for the sake of my son and myself, why I missed this diagnosis. What did I not understand about sociopathy? Sociopathic traits versus sociopathy I have always been very well read in my field, so the problem was not that I was unfamiliar with DSM diagnostic criteria, The Mask of Sanity, or Without Conscience. I als …

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Why have sociopaths failed to develop a conscience?

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Sociopaths are described as individuals “without conscience.” Specifically, sociopaths lack conscience because they are unable to experience guilt and empathy. To understand how sociopathy develops, we must understand how guilt and empathy develop. Scientists have begun to understand how guilt develops in children. Studies show that children who experience the most fear experience the most guilt. Children who are fearless have little guilt and less inhibition when it comes to violating rules. Is fearlessness inborn? It seems that fearlessness is an inborn trait, as children under a year old have been identified with this trait. There are however, researchers who believe that some of our ch …

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Child victims of sociopathic parents

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The benefits of a relationship with both parents depend on the quality of care the parents can provide. This fact is illustrated in the following story: FREMONT, Calif. - A 6-year-old boy abducted from his mother was returned home safely Friday after his father was arrested 200 miles away in the Sacramento Valley, police said. Ralph Baldenegro, 56, was arrested near Red Bluff and was being held at the Tehama County Jail. Baldenegro allegedly broke into his estranged wife's house, beat and handcuffed her, and kidnapped the boy Thursday night, said Fremont Detective Bill Veteran. He also hit his 14-year-old stepdaughter.” Read full story. The news is full of stories like the one above t …

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Children of sociopaths are twice cursed

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Many have declared that the lack of a conscience is the defect that defines sociopathy. Therefore, understanding how the conscience forms will lead us to better understand this disorder. Researchers currently discuss two basic pathways to conscience formation. The first and most common path to conscience is through guilt. Conscience through guilt develops from fear of punishment. Children who are genetically at risk for sociopathy are often fearless and so have little or no guilt, as discussed last week. The second path to conscience The second path to conscience is through empathy. A fearless child can have a conscience if he develops empathy. Conscience through empathy is called the …

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Sociopaths don’t respond to punishment

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In response to last week's entry, Sociopathy and the fearless child one of our readers (Bobby) wrote of his brother, "He was often punished - usually by being sent to bed without his meal - but he would repeat the same behavior as if nothing had happened." This statement illustrates why the usual parenting does not work with children at risk to develop into sociopaths. They do not respond to punishment! Parents of sociopaths are often blamed Tragically, the parents of sociopaths are often blamed for the presence of this condition in their offspring. The belief of many is, He wouldn't be a sociopath if his parents had taught him right from wrong. The belief that "discipline" will cure …

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Sociopathy and the fearless child

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Many have expressed doubt that a condition as complex as sociopathy can be genetic. The doubters aside, studies of identical twins separated at birth and raised by non-relatives do clearly show the condition is genetic. The question now is, “Just what is inherited?” Genes interact with environment Although sociopathy is genetic, it is not inherited in the same way as many other traits, for example, eye color. The genes that cause sociopathy do so by making a child vulnerable to certain environmental influences. A child can have the genes but if he is not exposed to the triggering environment, he will not develop the condition. Fearlessness an important precursor to both sociopathy an …

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