By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW The current global crisis has me thinking of you, and how folks in relationships with personality disordered people face special challenges during this pandemic emergency. Before we talk about that, let's think about how the novel coronavirus is similar to something less novel to you: the tricky, toxic patterns of folks with anti-social, narcissistic, and borderline personality problems. Listen to Amber Ault discuss Domestic Violence During Lockdown on the Insights with Dick Goldberg podcast Here's what comes to mind for me: 1. Novel coronavirus is parasitic --- exploiting the very life of a human being who was minding their own damned business when the virus …
Claudia Paradise, LCSW: How to talk to kids about an absent daddy
Lovefraud received the following question: Can you address absent sociopathic fathers and how to respond to a young child who has begun asking about him? My 4-year-old has started talking about her “daddy,” who she could not possibly remember. The last time she saw him was when she was 2 and the total time spent with him in her lifetime has probably been 12 hours total. I have cut things off with him entirely since his last visit. Anyways, lately she pretends to call him on her toy phone, or tells me that her daddy is going to pick her up from school. I think all this talk has stemmed from her best friend at school, whose dad comes to pick her up every day. Not surprisingly, none of th …
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Dr. Laura Rubiales: Addressing fatigue after a social predator
By Laura Rubiales, ND, LAc If you find yourself drained and tired after an experience or relationship with a social predator, these are my suggestions: Cut all ties with them and those with whom you will get the social predator’s manipulation. Try to reach some kind of emotional neutrality about the situation so you are not giving them your mental and emotional energy anymore. A skilled therapist can be invaluable in this process. I understand that this is much easier said than done when the predator was an intimate partner or affected your safety in the world. See if you can revitalize yourself with activities that recharge and soothe you…. Mine are yoga classes, time in nature, naps, …
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Your Autonomic Nervous System and Healing from the Sociopath
By Laura Rubiales, ND, LAc Do you feel like your body and mental/emotional state changed after an encounter or relationship with a sociopath? Are you more frazzled, hypervigilant, with a potential sense of impending doom, increased anxiety and insomnia? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you having more digestive issues? Many of these symptoms can be explained physiologically by changes in your autonomic nervous system. Your autonomic nervous system has two states between which it alternates, the sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic state is your body’s fight or flight system which is meant to mobilize you away from danger. In the sympathetic state, your blood flow is …
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Dr. Laura Rubiales: Sociopaths, PTSD and the Mind Body Connection
By Dr. Laura Rubiales After reading an e-mail with the accusatory gibberish/provoking/non-responsibility-taking BS that only a sociopath or other bona-fide Cluster B personality disordered person can seem to write, I found myself with palpitations, panicked, blood pressure rising, on the verge of a spiking migraine and barely able to breathe. I immediately called a girlfriend to therapeutically debrief. In her gorgeous Louisiana Southern drawl she said, “Darlin,’ you just don’t mess with crazy.” In all I have learned about the nervous system from over 20 years of studying and working with sick people, let me tell you why it is best to just “not mess with crazy” from a physiological pers …
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In honor of her murdered cousin, Dr. Amber Ault offers a deal on ‘The Five Step Exit’ book
Editor's note: Dr. Amber Ault is a Lovefraud contributor and author of "The Five Step Exit: Skills You Need to Leave a Psychopath, Narcissist, or Other Toxic Partner and Recover Your Happiness Now." Dear Donna, It’s been a year this month since the brutal murder of my second cousin, Linnea Satterfield, by her ex-partner. Sensitive to the possible impact on your readers of sharing the horrific details, I won’t recount them here. I will say, however, that the circumstances are familiar: the toxic ex had a history of violence against women before he and my cousin became involved; theirs was a relationship reported to be contentious; and she had recently ended it. She was killed after sh …
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Here we go again — holiday drama time
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW Our ancestors in Northern latitudes exercised deep wisdom when they burrowed in during the dark of winter, reflecting on the turning of the wheel of the year through its previous cycle of renewal, harvest, and loss, gathering with loved ones to share warmth in myriad ways, and beginning to dream of spring. Many in the US feel a deep disconnection between our intuitive need for rest, reflection, and re-connection at the end of the year and survival demands, the cultural push of consumer capitalism to buy our way into "getting it right" with loved ones, and the tiny amounts of "time off" or "time away" we can create. Too often, even people here who have the luxury o …
To help people in abusive relationships escape, ‘The Five Step Exit,’ by Dr. Amber Ault, is now available at cost
Editor's note: Lovefraud frequently posts media reports of domestic violence, but this one strikes close to home. Yesterday's story, "Ohio man charged with killing his ex-girlfriend and crashing his car with her body in the trunk," was not a random case. The victim, Linnea Satterfield, 56, of Elyria, Ohio, was the cousin of Dr. Amber Ault, a Lovefraud author and an instructor for Lovefraud Continuing Education. Here is more information about her: "Elyria woman met estranged boyfriend in high school, daughter says." Although nothing can truly heal the loss, in the following article, Dr. Ault explains how she hopes to create some good from the tragedy that befell her family. Trying to …
If we want something different, we need to do something different
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW I’m fond of this axiom: “If you want something different from what you’ve had, you need to do something different from what you’ve done.” Here’s an important corollary: Doing something different will, at first, feel strange. When we envision something different for ourselves and begin to practice creating it, it’s important to prepare to receive it. Otherwise, new possibilities will be assimilated by the powerful machinery of old patterns and we’ll continue to feel stuck. It’s not enough to want something different, or even to envision it. In order to create something different, we must release the barriers — often unconscious — that stand in its way. We need to l …
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The ABC’s of choosing a non-toxic mate
By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW Partner choice is important to all of us. Toxic relationship survivors often avoid opening themselves to new relationships because of their fear of choosing a partner who will bring more devastation and drama into their lives. Many of us learn to watch for the warning signs that a person is a psychopath, narcissist, or other toxic type, but we aren't certain about the positive characteristics that indicate someone is good partner material. In addition to screening out difficult people, we need to learn how to screen in good matches. To help with this, I've come up with an easy-to-remember screening tool. It summarizes insights from years of academic research and …