Steve Becker, LCSW

Man, it's not easy out there. Your partner clearly has a major personality disturbance, but sometimes separating borderline, narcissistic and sociopathic behavior can be hard. Real tough. Especially when there are spill-over behaviors, cross-contaminating behaviors and attitudes (as there often are) that further muddy the diagnostic waters. Let's look at rage, for instance. Rage is a major marker of the borderline and narcissistic personality. Sociopaths, being essentially malignant, high-end narcissists, like any full-blown narcissist, are also capable of frightful, bullying, abusive rages. The borderline's rage, much like the narcissist's, tends to be elicted by disappoinment. And it's …

Differentiating the sociopath from the borderline from the narcissistRead More

The concept of the sociopath as “masking sanity,” originally from Hervey Cleckley, MD, and since as confirmed and elaborated by other experts, is certainly chilling, great, profound and often-times apt. But I'd suggest we be careful not to apply it too indiscriminately. In other words, not all sociopaths “wear masks” in the classic sense of Cleckley's concept. For this reason, if you're looking for “masks” as a prerequisite to confirming the sociopath, you risk missing the sociopath. Some sociopaths are more manifestly who they are—sociopaths. They aren't “masking” much of anything. They aren't necessarily taking brilliant precautions to conceal themselves. Like many human beings the …

When the sociopath isn’t wearing a maskRead More

I wrote in my last article about stonewalling, that nefarious process (and pattern) of shutting down a partner's communication either aggressively, or passive aggressively, the effect of which is to leave the “stonewalled” partner feeling voiceless, alone, dismissed, negated as a person. Many sociopathic personalities stonewall, but many stonewallers aren't sociopaths, so how do you tell the difference? What are some signs that your partner's stonewalling is an aspect of his “sociopathy” versus, say, his high “conflict-avoidant” personality? Clearly some individuals are terrible at dealing with communication in general and conflict in particular. Their stonewalling may be mainly avoidan …

Is your stonewaller a sociopath, or someone else? Stonewalling, Part IIRead More

Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns. He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened, perhaps even listened at a length he may complain about. In any case his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he'll take no responsibility. Rather, he may depict you as a boring w …

When the sociopath stonewalls youRead More

It can be pretty tricky navigating the continuum of narcissistically disturbed individuals, attempting to separate the salvageables from the unsalvageables. Yet, there are two awfully basic, interrelated questions that can help you cut to the chase, and guide your decision to keep going, or cut bait. Here they are: 1) Is your partner someone who genuinely recognizes he has a problem respecting you? 2) If he genuinely recognizes this, then does he have the genuine motivation to confront his disrespectful behaviors and attitudes (be they chronic or episodic; devastating in their impact or more quietly, gradually corrosive of your goodwill)? Ultimately, it comes down to these …

Is my partner salvageable?Read More

The “sociopath,” boiled down, is someone who routinely does, and takes, what he wants, unconcerned with the impact of his behavior on others. Nothing in my mind defines his essence more than this concise, factual description. He is rather unique, and thus diagnosable as a sociopath, to this precise extent. Sure, we've discussed this before, but it always merits, in my view, fresh reconsideration. And so let me add, I think, an important caveat: The sociopath doesn't necessarily feel he has the “right” to what he's pursuing, or planning to take. Rather, he doesn't feel he needs the right. He just needs the want. Simply wanting what he wants, with or without the right to it, meets his …

The sociopath takes what he wantsRead More

I was recently asked to comment on the sociopath's “predatory stare,” and my first thought was to play it down somewhat. Not all sociopaths have this stare, or else it would be pretty easy to bust them for the “look.” On the other hand there's a form of the “predatory stare” that I want to remark on briefly in this short article that signals my return to the blog, again, on a more regular basis. It is really the “predatory stare,” but masked as the “romantic stare.” Again, not all sociopaths deploy the “romantic stare,” let's not kid ourselves. But some do.  I've worked with many woman (and a few men) who can attest to it, and I'm sure many of you have had experience with it. What is …

The sociopath’s predatory stare, revisitedRead More

You can sit with a sociopath and know he's a sociopath, and sit with someone who perpetrates the behaviors of the sociopath, even as comfortably as the sociopath does, and yet know he's not a sociopath. How? How can you know? Is it something intuitive?  I address this from a clinical perspective, not a personal or intimate one. But still, I find it somewhat interesting to feel, or recognize, this distinction, and maybe you'll find it more relevant than I imagine. Of course, the history says a lot. Whenever you are dealing with someone who is raising his kids with some real love, holding down a job, paying his bills, not abusing his spouse and maintaining a history (past and present) of …

When amoral characters just aren’t sociopathsRead More