Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name “simpleme56.”
I came from an abusive childhood, an abusive marriage, and worked hard for over thirty years to heal, to educate myself to be able to understand the dynamics of my abuser and move forward in my life. I’m not 100% healed. But I came to terms with my life and began to move forward with education and professional jobs.
And at 48 I met who I thought was the most incredible man I had ever met. I thought I was smart and was very careful waiting a year to see if the other shoe would drop and it didn’t.
I made a huge decision to finally walk away from a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage, telling myself I deserved to be happy. Within two weeks of moving in with this wonderful, loving, protective, considerate human being, I experienced a tyrant who was drunk and when I refused to engage in this manic performance, I was threatened.
Suddenly, I felt holy terror and thought, oh my god what did I get myself into?
Of course he cried and apologized and said, I don’t ever want to hurt you.
Well that was far from the truth…it got worse and to the point I demeaned myself, thinking I was so stupid, and what did I miss, that I actually thought I deserved this for being so dumb.
He took me to a Super Bowl game and literally sat me at a table with his ex-girlfriend’s grown children as he went off to talk to his friends. Talk about uncomfortable. I told him I was going back to my apartment and I left.
At home as soon as I took the key out of the door to enter my apt my phone rang. He said you have five minutes to get your ass back here. When I got there he got in the vehicle and proceeded to drive 90 miles on the highway as he screamed at me “no one leaves me in a public place.” Which was then followed by a few of my things that were in his apt, he threw out on the patio.
A few weeks later I met his sister for the first time we had dinner at her house.
Later in the evening he made this bizarre announcement that we had this fight and he told her how he threw my stuff out on the patio.
I was breathless, embarrassed and stunned. Feeling helpless and a sense of nakedness.
At work, if I had a male customer he would make comments like, “I saw the way you smiled at him.” Or if my male coworkers would converse with me, he would tell them I belong to him to stay away from me.
It became a joke. I went to a bowling banquet with him. Again his ex-girlfriend’s kids were there. He sat in a back room playing poker with the guys and all the women were in the bar the entire day. I was kept company by his ex’s daughters, who let me know that they liked me but could not be friends with me because of the loyalty to their mother.
I got that.
About 4:30 he emerges from this all day poker game, walks into the bar where I am talking to a guy who is there with his wife and he stood across the room just staring at me. So I walked over to him and he told me that as soon as I saw him I should have come running to him. OMG.
I went to our room and started packing and he kicked the drawer shut on my fingers. The following day he went golfing and I was stuck in this room all day by myself and no car and not knowing anyone.
I began running back to the ex husband who was abusive, back to this sociopath who was also abusive, but in a different way. This went on for almost ten years.
I am exhausted, angry, and feel so violated, for he represented everyone in my life that was abusive. He even went as far as telling his family lies about me, that all that happened was my fault.
Then you go through the torment of filtering your mind if this is, in fact, accurate or not.
I am back in this loveless marriage where I harbor so much anger, hurt and confusion. I blame my husband for me getting sucked in by this type of predator. I have given up on myself and have been beating myself up because of it all.
There are so many more things that happened in this wacky relationship that almost killed me. The most bizarre behavior I had ever experienced.
And the best part is I cannot tell anyone, because my family is estranged, my husband is content that I am back to cook and clean.
I sleep in my own room. I am living the Cinderella story and just waiting to die.
I am going through a gamut of emotions of failure, how I have been duped, manipulated and conned. I could never trust another human again and I feel more isolated and alone. This has had a major effect on my health. I am 59 now and I just want to die.
Sociopaths and forced teaming – ‘we’re in this together’
simpleme56, sending you HUGE HUGE hugs!!! 💜
You should be very proud of yourself for being so brave to post your story here at Lovefraud. Not an easy thing to do. This is a big step into healing. Reaching out for help is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself. And you have started your healing process!! Pat yourself on the back & give yourself a few high fives!! You are brave & strong!!! 😊
I want you to know that we have ALL been exactly where you are now emotionally, mentally & physically. You feel like you dont have the strength any more to climb out of the dark hole your mate(s) have shoved you into. You feel like giving up. You feel so emotional drained that you cant even figure out which way is up & which way is down. Thrown in all the anxiety that you feel & the racing mind, brain fog, memory issues, sleep issues, physical exhaustion all caused by the stress you are living under…it’s utterly exhausting everyday to just live let alone think about how to get out of the tornado you are living in.
But I want you to know there is LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL…you will get to a point for the first time in your life that you will find PEACE & CALMNESS.
Keep reaching out for help Simpleme56. Don’t stop here. And on your darkest days & nights come here and vert out your hurt, your anger, your sadness, your emptiness. We are here for you!!! Dont worry about spelling or grammar just write write away. It really does help to vent out all of your feelings you have been pushing down. It’s part of the healing process.
How do you reach out for more help??
1) Contact your countries National Domestic Violence Hotline (google these words to find your countries number)
in the USA 800-799-SAFE
it’s scary to reach out for help because the abuser has manipulated our minds so much that we are literally afraid to reach out…but I can tell you this is the greatest gift you will ever give yourself!!! I can tell you from my own experience that once I did I felt relief & knew it was one of the best steps in breaking free from my then sociopath husband (now ex).
The free counselors on the other end of the phone have been EXACTLY where you are emotional & mentally now…they have lived your hell too…they understand your sadness & desperation hon.
So reach out right now!!!! Dont be afraid, dont be embarrassed. Remember that 1 in 3 women will be abused some times in their adult life…so you are NOT ALONE anymore!!
2) Ask the hotline for your local abuse center phone number & call them to set up a free counseling session. Again these counselors have been exactly where you are emotionally & mentally. They can help you with a EXIT PLAN out of your marriage & away from the other abuser.
3) Google “Domestic abuse exit plan”, “Dr Phil Domestic abuse exit plan”, “Domestic abuse exit plan you tube”
be sure to clear your computer history every time you search something news so that you stay safe.
If you can go to a trusted friends or family members home and use their computer that way you will stay safe.
4) Go to your doctor and have a physical. A high percentage of victims of abuse suffer some time of health issue due to the tremendous amount of stress they are living under. Most victims suffer from high blood pressure, sleep issues, anxiety, depression etc etc.
5) If you can afford to or have health insurance go to a Endocrinologist doctor and get tested for hormonal imbalance, vitamin & mineral deficiency & cortisol levels.
Even at your age you can have a hormonal imbalance because of the stress you are enduring.
Research Adrenal Fatigue….see DrLam. com & Adrenalfatigue. org (look at their symptoms list to see if you have the symptoms.
If your adrenal glands are under continual stress such as a toxic relationship they will burn out and this will lead to memory loss, brain fog, anxiety, depression, sleep issues etc. The good news is your can heal your adrenal glands this is where a good Endocrinologist comes into play. This is the missing link to getting your mind set back to a positive mindset.
6) Google and do a search on Love Fraud for:
Narcissist No contact rule
Gas lighting abuse
7) Education is key to shifting your mind set!! So every time you are emotional crying, sad, angry etc come to love fraud & read everything up at the top of this incredible site…and also watch the videos that Donna Anderson has posted under the tap “video” up at the top.
Keep reading & watching these videos over and over it will open up your mind from all the brain washing (literally) that both your husband & your ex have done to you
Read Donna Anderson books…if you go up to the top click on “Book Store” and you will find not only Donna’s books but also others books she personally recommends.
You can also go to your local library to see what books they have on the subject of domestic abuse. IF you are to scared to check one out then just read it there at the library. Or you can have a trusted friend or family member check them out for you & keep them at their home for you to read safely.
I know that you are scared…you are exhausted…you are sad…we have all been there where you are…and we are HERE FOR YOU KNOW…so post here when you want even if it is daily or hourly.
8) You can also contact site creator Donna Anderson here at love fraud to talk with her personality. She charges a nominal fee but she is absolutely knowledgeable on this top and will no doubt help you.
If you go up to the top an click on “contact” then “Personal consultant” you will find her info.
PLEASE Simpleme56 KEEP REACHING OUT FOR HELP!!
YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE…WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!!!
HUGS TO YOU!!!💜💜💜
I agree with Jan,
In addition if it is possible can you move out and be on your own? Find a roommate? Healing takes distance and if you are always under the thumb of an abuser there will be no healing. Good luck.
thanks for the tips Jan. I’m in a similar boat to Simpleme56.
Hi Shell, I’m so sorry that you too are suffering 🙁 Hugs to you too!!
I can tell you from my own experience that reaching out for help like you have here & with your country’s National Domestic Violence Hotline & Local abuse center will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. I know it’s scary to reach out for help because your abuser has your mind twisted up…but you will never regret making this important first step.
Do you want to share a little of your story here on Lovefraud? Only if you feel comfortable.
I know during my marriage I wanted to leave my then husband (now ex thank goodness) everyday…he knew just how to twist my mind up to make me stay & then twist my mind up again to make me want to leave him…I was on a daily emotional roller coaster ride even if he was away on a business trip he would use the phone to control me.
Towards the last year I would leave and drive around to a parking lot and just cry. He had mentally isolated me from my family & friends with his manipulative lies. I felt lost, sad, angry, confused, exhausted, mentally & emotionally drained.
And one day he pushed me to escaped. I set my quick plan to leave him and within a few weeks I had enough money ($300 dollars) to drive across country and escape him. Even though we had two homes and finically means he controlled it all…all to keep me under his grips.
He was shocked when he received the divorce papers. But the moment I drove away with my car packed up I felt a release from my body literally. And although it has not been easy to deal with all the emotional that unearth once I escaped his brainwashing I would NEVER EVER go back to him. And with time the emotions do subside.
My only regrets are not listening to my gut alarm going off the second I met him, not leaving him sooner then I did, not calling the Domestic abuse hotline & not opening up to trusted family & friends sooner as to what was really going on behind closed doors. There is no regret leaving him what so ever.
Donna Anderson site creator of LoveFraud often writes about how important it is to let your emotions out…cry, angry (not directed towards anyone), sadness etc…one good method to let emotions out is to write them down…here at love fraud or in a journal that you can hide from your mate. So come here any time you need to let your emotions out. Just write even if it does not make sense to us but makes sense to you just get it out. It will free your mind…it will help you to piece together the manipulative tactics you mate is doing to you on a daily bases.
The most important thing to remember is to stay safe if you are still with your abuser. If you are then make sure you clear your computer history each time you look at a site. If you dont feel safe using your computer use a trusted friend or family members or use the library.
National Domestic Violence Hotline website has so much valuable info to help you now & in your future. Talk to the hotline counselor about an Exit plan out & a Safe plan also.
Talk with you again soon.
Take care. 💜
Thank you for all of your comments and supportive words. I am still not doing well one of the things that I noticed was him always worrying that I would expose him. Out of anger I have done just that to hurt him the way he hurt me. It does not make me feel better but he is so pissed off. The pain I go through daily is beyond anything I could put into words. It has been over a year and a half sense I left and in that time he had text daily to have a great day Lu to sleep tight sweet dreams Lu then suddenly the first week of April it stopped cold. Even though I knew I would never go back I somehow felt sustained getting these messages it made it easier emotionally. Now that it has stopped the anger is even worse. The pain is overwhelming I fell in love with a monster. Now I think that since the text stopped he is with another. He blocked my number, blocked me on Facebook because I caught him in a lie, and blocked my emails. So I feel duped again stringing me along for a year and a half to literally slamming the door on my life. The mixed emotions that I feel are anger, loss, and worse self hatred for being sucked in. I have tried to get help and I had two therapist that literally told me they could not deal with this level of PTSD. SO QUIETLY I AM TRYING TO FIGHT THIS OUT alone NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING HERE. I am frightened as to how I feel and I have been thinking of other ways that I could destroy his life the way he destroyed mine. I just want to stop feeling and shelf this incredible pain.
Justbreathe56 – I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Even though you felt the continued messages made it easier for you, actually they made it worse. The real solution is to cut off all contact with him. The first step in recovery is disengaging.