Editor’s note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.”
Without going into a long, drawn-out recollection of my experiences with sociopaths, I wanted to talk about my “Panic Buttons.” The panic buttons are the same as “triggers,” but I tend to panic, so I see them as “panic buttons.”
There is a host of priceless discussion on this site about triggering. I’m one of those types that not only triggers, but I typically fall down a vortex of panic that starts out on the edge of the whirlwind, and I spiral downwards, and inwards, until I’m so disoriented that I don’t know how to get out.
The “reason” that I tend to panic is because of my past experiences with sociopaths and abuse. There was always “hope” that the abuse would stop. It would cease for periods of time and this gave me the false belief that “change” was in the offing. Well, true to form, the abuse would always (without fail) resume and intensify after the lulls.
So, there are certain circumstances that I’ve always reacted to with panic. Now, it wouldn’t begin as full-blown panic anxiety, but it would be a sort of uneasy tickle in my gut that would spiral out of control and, as is most typical, the abuser would capitalize on my discomfort and elevate it to the next level.
Abusive exes
An example of this would be with the first abusive ex-spath. One of our children’s birthdays would be coming up and I would begin to believe that, this year, the father of these children would finally attend to our children of his own accord. He would give the impression that this was to be by talking about birthday parties, gifts, fun, and so forth—my hope for a “normal” event for our children.
As the birthday drew closer, he would begin to complain about not being able to afford a party, or a specific gift, etc. This would dash my hopes for “normality” and begin the panic vortex in a slow spin. In response, I would try to “fix” the situation by any means, to no avail. Then, the vortex would pick up speed and start drawing me in. The demands would begin that I contact my parents to ask for money, or the child wouldn’t even have a birthday cake. If I refused to ask my parents for money, he would begin to “bargain” with me for sexual favors. If I performed an act that he had witnessed in pornographic imagery, he might “get the money together” to buy a birthday cake.
Back and forth, these tactics would go and I would begin to feel panic—I either had to find the money or perform a repulsive sex act. If I were too slow in reacting to the threats, the blame would be placed on my shoulders because I didn’t “care enough” about our children to “obey” my husband. Then, the beatings would begin, and the vortex of panic would be unstoppable. Invariably, I ended up calling my parents and begging for birthday money. After the money arrived, it would be a “honeymoon” of sorts where the children would be showered with gifts, clothing, food, and birthday cakes – but, never a party.
Fast forward to the second marriage. This panic vortex always began with finances, and the second ex-spath was well aware of these issues because I had told him of my experiences with the first ex-spath. Because the second ex-spath was not physically abusive, it never occurred to me that he was at the main switch to engage the panic vortex and that I was just as easily manipulated by these fears without beatings or sexual abuse. Because the second ex-spath frequently asserted (and, I quote), “I will NEVER abuse you like that,” I believed those words and trusted the second ex-spath’s word was his bond. Well, he was far more subtle, and finances were the primary Panic Button for him to push.
Not obligated to react
Of course, there are other Panic Buttons that can send me off into a full-blown state of anxiety, and there’s no need to list each of them here. But, what I have learned in my first stages of recovery is that I am not obligated to “RE-act” to “bad news” or any given situation.
The most recent example of this was the threat of losing the shell that I live in if I didn’t “participate” in a joint bankruptcy action filed by the second ex-spath. The bankruptcy attorney was retained by the ex-spath and was in a great rush for me to drive to another State, sign papers, and meet with the ex-spath in a joint “credit counseling” meeting that clearly violated the standing Restraining Order. The bankruptcy attorney claimed that he was unaware that I had relocated, or that there was a Restraining Order in place, but that I should “jump on this” because it was a “freebie” and would relieve me of all debts. This attorney also minimized the Restraining Order by saying (again, I quote) “The credit counseling would be allowed.”
I’m not going to say that I didn’t begin to slip into the Panic Vortex – I sure did. But, several people on LoveFraud.com and in Real Life counseled me to slow down and think, instead of reacting. And, I did this—for the first time in my life, I stopped that vortex and looked at the facts, as they were:
* The ex-spath was declaring bankruptcy for his unsecured debts
* I did not have any unsecured credit with the exception of the balance of an auto loan
* The bankruptcy attorney was not working for me, but had been retained by the ex-spath
* The ex-spath would never, under any circumstances, take any action that would benefit me
* Any time that I feel that I must make a very hurried decision, I make a mistake and I had the distinct feeling that I was being rushed into re-acting, rather than making an educated decision
Back in control
After a time, all of this simmered down and I was back in control of my actions, thoughts, and decisions. And, this one experience became a tremendous lesson to me that my reactions with regard to control go all the way back to my damaged “inner child” that had consistently experienced one disappointment after another, regardless of any assurance that things would “be better” the next time. The origins of the Panic Vortex finally became crystal clear, and the only person that has a finger on the Panic Button is now me. I am not required to panic for any reason, especially those scenarios that are instigated by the ex-spath, or his attorneys. I am no longer “panicked” about the divorce. I am finally beginning to feel a tiny measure of control, and this “feeling” is finally based upon “fact.”
Sure, there are many things over which I have no control, but those things can be addressed through slow, informed, and insightful consideration. I can take action without “RE-acting.” And, I cannot describe how empowering this fact is. This one fact has been a boost to my self-esteem and self-worth to a degree that I cannot describe— I have never, at any point during my lifetime, felt this sense of empowerment.
We each have this ability to manage triggers, anxiety, panic, and our own personal vortexes. It just takes time, practice, discussion, and consideration to take back or even formulate control and power over ourselves, if we’ve never experienced it before. For me, it’s been a lifetime devoid of this, and this has been an incredible epiphany. I can make things happen under my own power, and I can control my level of re-actions when I am able to recognize what the basis for my anxiety is. Are my “feelings” based upon “facts,” or am I reacting? If I stop and examine all of the facts of any given situation, I can determine this. Most often, if I leave the emotion out of the equation, the solution is relatively obvious. If I run on high emotion, then every rock, pebble, or twig presents an obstacle that appears to be insurmountable. This is a new exercise for me, and one that I have never practiced throughout my lifetime.
In spite of all of the ramifications of sociopath entanglements, every day is an eye-opener for me. Even those days when the sky seems to be falling, there is something new for me to learn and experience.
Yea, you are fortunate that you did not end up losing the house anyway…by me selling OUR house before I knew about the divorce, I ended up without a house and he had all the money in an account in his name, all our stuff was in storage, HE (or his parents) had decided what was mine and what was “his”–I had to get a court order to get the dog back and it wasn’t even the same dog, it was the same breed and was in HORRIBLE almost starved shape, I convinced the kids it was their dog, but it wasn’t.
I got my “share” of a $40,000 gun collection, it was $400 and my share of his 401K it was about $500, and I got all my medical and dental bills which ate up all the cash I got, but he did get all the credit card bills. and I got $115 a week child support, which with me working cleaning houses or clerking at stores and taking out loans and grants, I made it through school, I traded baby sitting for mechanic’s work on my car, and other barter arrangements that helped with other single parents also struggling.
Your X I think felt because he had LIVED THERE that made the house HIS, TYPICAL FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT…just like Patrick thinks he is ENTITLED to everything I have worked for my entire life and everything my parents and grandparents have worked for just because I gave birth to him. Well if I can help it he won’t get a dime.
I’m glad you have your house and RV and he didn’t get them or hurt you any more than he has already. Your X is an EVIL man or as my attorney said when he called me back “your son is a BAAAAAD MAN” LOL Yep, Evil and Bad, both of them to the BONE. Be careful, Skylar.
sometimes we are just a wee bit paranoid b/c of what our spath encounters taught us. and sometimes we are right to be paranoid, suspicious, untrusting.
i am self validated, that my worry and assessment has turned out to be spot on and i was wise to withdraw and protect myself. b/c clearly, as time has shown, i was in danger. i was betrayed. my safety in doubt. something i would never have done to another. makes me sad but it’s time i accepted validation of the betrayal for what it is.
Thank you for your article, I have just been contemplating what happens to me when I am triggered. I never used to panic, no matter what abuse I go, I was stoic and calm and could often avert it. Perhaps it was because I became quote, “invincible” when I was 18 and my mother died.
With psychopath husband, he could not get to me with fighting, I could win, name calling was useless, sneaking was an merely an annoyance, rape was my wifely duty, superiority was a joke. But the combination finally lead me to find a way out to protect myself and my children. I had very little reaction to him until I was finished with him.
Buttons came later. I suppose I had PTSD from my childhood and my marriage but I always had to stay strong for my children. I was frequently called a bitch by men I dated and my reply was always ‘”Thank you.”
My second husband (neither of us planned to remarry) has pushed my buttons and triggered my panic and wrath. I was fine until we got married but told him we should not ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married. When we did, I finally felt vulnerable and even small things would set me off. I still do not like marriage but we have a good workable loving life of strife and joy. I suppose that is as good as it gets. I guess I still subconsciously think than man is synonymous with psychopath.
But the worst buttons of all have been pushed by my daughter under the tutelage of her father. My utter helplessness to save her or protect my grandchildren sent me into a panic breakdown, suicide attempts and utter despair.
She paid no attention to me, ignored me, did not listen, took up with my sister and then she took away the grandchildren ages 8 and 6. Being shunned by my child sent me into full panic attacks where I was not in control of myself. Losing my grandchildren was worse than losing my mother at age 18 but brought up the suppressed feelings.
Being forced to deal with her because of my sister’s illness, I told her I was afraid of her to try to elicit some sympathy. She just looked at me with her cold stare and said, “I can see how you might be.” Then the next day she threw me into a panic that was almost like an out of body, being taken over by a force I could not control and I finally realized I must end it.
She was quietly, calmly and secretively vicious about her power over me so I became loud, furiously and openly vicious. It was like I was spurting out her venom and unable to retain control of myself. I cannot do that again, it only gives her more ammunition. So it is done, perhaps for the best. I cannot be around someone who bring that out of me.
I believe that empaths do take on the suppressed emotions of others. I know that I can feel suppressed emotions and they terrify me. Being ignored, shunned or ignored also terrifies me. It was my childhood. I only got attention if I threw a fit and any attention was better than none, than not existing. Even when crying all I got was “Shut up or I will give you something to cry about.”
My father had rage attacks of power and control and sometimes I would provoke them just to get them over with. I recently recognized I actually enjoyed the beatings better than being ignored and watching him beat my older siblings.
Now I am accused of being like my father. I guess the siblings cannot/could not tell the difference in power and control and despair articulated in a loud voice. Now my daughter who hardly knew my father is comparing me with him as a reason I cannot see her children.
She provokes me and uses it against me. Minion, or psychopath, it does not matter anymore. What can I learn from this? Right now I only feel hopeless but determined not to let evil win. The only revenge is to live a good life but we will have to start all over again in our dotage.
Kaytydid,
Exactly, “Something I would never have done to someone else.” That is how I know it when I see it.
But we never want to see it in our children. I think I would have rather have died first.
betsybugs
I have been trying so hard to find explanations for how I have been treated. People feel ENTITLED when in reality, they would NEVER tolerate for themselves what they DO or encourge others to do to others. I found that true when trying to understand why GOOD people in my community were so cruel to me. My X! swore he never discussed me, yet if those same people had never met me and we were just casually socializing at the county fair, they’d think me intelligent and curious and interested in them. But the minute they heard my name, they turned cold. And I had done NOTHING to them. SO something extra was obviously going on behind the scene.
It’s happening again in that certain area in my world. Makes me VERY sad. SO isolating. SO lonely. I’ve been doing SO much interspection, trying to look at what I’ve said or done, looked at how I explained myself. But I am condemned, judged. B/c I didn’t suck up. And sucking up is required. I gave opinion, shared thoughts/ideas. But that’s not good enough. HAS to be sucking up. Worship. Admiration. And I DID express admiration for somethings, but it’s not a blanket endorsement. What Do I say when I disagree, when I say WHOA! Behavior not acceptable?!! I tried to assert boundries. Tried to reason. Tried to tell her “Don’t TELL ME what I’m thinking! You’re NOT ME. You are NOT in my head, you don’t know. If I say something that doesn’t make sense, ASK ME and I am happy to explain. I can’t be expected to read your mind and know how you are doing to interpret my words. I can only know what I thought. SO…. ask Me what I meant, don’t TELL ME. Seems whenever someone TELLS me what I was thinking, they ALWAYS take the negative perspective….. They’re NOT assuming that I didnt’ realize how it sounded but they’re saying that I meant to be a B*. If you care about someone, why would a person assume that the intent was to be a B*?
Anyways, I know she’s not an spath. But that’s not enough. I need to understand how to reach her. So I’ve been getting every book I can, trying to learn here on LF, get other people’s experiences. There has GOT to be something. I find bits and pieces but NOT a clear path to communication. It is SO painful to me. Yes SELFISH of me b/c I HATE this isolating aloneness. But also b/c I care so much for her. She is the one who used to give me a reason for EVERY decision I made in my life. I didn’t expect that to continue. It wouldn’t have been emotionally healthy.
But to be totally cut off, is so very painful. As you know. Betsybugs. So… I am working through it. Have you done any extra research? Read any helpful books?
Dear Betsybugs,
I can hear the agony and pain in your “voice” on the blog, and I do understand what it is to “lose a child” to psychopathy. To hope against hope that there is something you can do, or say, or a book you can buy that will “reach” them because NOT REACHING THEM is just not something that we can accept.
To have her have grandchildren that you love and that love you, and to be deprived of those children’s company because she knows that too do so hurts you is even beyond comprehension.
Iit sounds like from what you said about your upbringing that your father was a raging psychopath, and it is probable that your daughter inherited some of that genetic tendency. My son Patrick is so much like my P sperm donor that it is uncanny and they ave never met.
You talk about your relationship with your current husband “When we did, (get married) I finally felt vulnerable and even small things would set me off. I still do not like marriage but we have a good workable loving life of strife and joy. I suppose that is as good as it gets. I guess I still subconsciously think than man is synonymous with psychopath.”
Maybe you and he might find some counseling helpful to put to rest some of the triggers from your previous relationships with your father, your x husband, your daughter, etc. It sounds to me like you have had a life time of trauma. I know from experience that those life times of trauma add up, multiply even, the reactions we have to even minor trauma in the today and the now.
Betsy, you are not alone, there are many here who share your pain of the loss of a child or grandchildren to psychopaths. When I first came to LF it was mostly about love relationships, but now it is about RELATIONSHIPS… of all kinds. P parents, P sibs, P spouses, P children, P neighbors, P business partners, and the trauma is the same no matter what the relationship dynamics.
Keep on reading, keep on learning and letting go of what you cannot control. Work on your relationship with your husband which is something you CAN work on. Don’t let your pain from the relationship with your daughter and the rest of your family keep you in such turmoil that you lose the joy in what you DO HAVE. God bless.
That’s it isn’t it. That point when you know, there is NO hope. B/c we try SO HARD, to hold on to hope. That there is SOMETHING. Some way to get Through to them.
I peer into my bellybutton, trying to remember how did I handle this, what did I say, what was the expression on her face, did she accept or was she blank. What did blank mean?
I search and search. I find some small comforts. I read a book, Red Flags or Red Herrings. A comfort in that book is that when kids are small, they gravitate towards your values, your way of processing, they want your attention and approval. But… seems that in adolescence, the DNA takes hold, and maybe what you did when they were little has Some influence, but it’s not a strong influence. HOW they process, what they say to themselves, the lens of the glasses they view things… seems to be genetically based. Not that genetics is any comfort to me. It tells me I shoulda NEVER had her. My pedo father and Nar mom, my partner narcissism. Why did I ever think a beautiful child with my genes has a chance. Well, b/c I was not like my family, and I thought if she was not around them, she’d not likely be like them. And she’s not. But some traits….. what does it mean. Estrangement or just distance and near absent emotional connection, certainly bad communication and drama and heartache. How to know what’s too much? Sad Sad Sad.
I am sorry we can relate Betsybugs. You deserve better but the world, sadly is not fair.
Hi everyone,
I hope you all are having a great night! I just wanted to post this great song. It’s called “Takin In” by Mike & The Mechanics. For some reason I’ve been having a bad day and this song popped into my head. I always liked it and something today made me go onto Youtube and play it. I’ve been playing it all night.
The funny thing is I’m not playing it because of my ex…who is by all accounts a sociopath. I’m playing it because both of my beloved parents are deceased and for whatever reason I have been so emotional today because of their deaths. My father died 18 years ago, my mother 3 & 1/2 years ago. They both died way before their time and I just miss them so much today. I don’y why…my father’s birthday is coming up on Jan. 19. Maybe that’s why…I have no idea. I just know there is a reason why I’m crying.
This song came out in 1985. I was 10 years old. If you watch the original video for this song it shows a happy, young family on vacation. The manager for Mike & The Mechanics books the same house at the same time for the above mentioned family. The father in the family tells Mike & The Mechanics they are more than welcome to stay at the house with them. This video…the one I posted has the lyrics because I wanted everyone to know the meaning of the song. But the original video just made me cry because 1) it reminds me of my family vacations down the shore. My parents would rent a house down the shore and they would invite our family & friends. It was such a magical time. I have nothing but cherished memories from my childhood…especially our cherished vacays down the shore. Even now when I’m in the same shore town where my family vacationed I always feel my parents with me & my family! 2) I want my sweet daughter to experience the same thing I had growing up. Her father….my ex is bipolar and has a horrible drug addiction. I won’t let him anywhere near her. She is now 3 years old and has no idea who her father is. I know I’m doing the right thing by protecting her from her father & his dysfunctional life style. I guess I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that she won’t ever know her biological father….which kills me and I’m crying as I write this. I told him the only way I want him back in her life is if he is clean & just not clean but clean for a number of years and making a sincere effort in changing is life around. My reality is that this will probably never happen but i always have hope in the back of my head. Expect the worse but hope for the best!
I haven’t spoken to her father in about a year & half. He knows I want nothing to do with him. He knows my family doesn’t want him around me or my daughter. I still want to know his real motives for not calling me in a year & a half. I’m entirely grateful he hasn’t tried to contact me. I want to believe because he knows what kind of damage he has done to me and knows he doesn’t want to inflict anymore. Wishful thinking right?! I just know not having him in my life is such a blessing.
I am so grateful for my loving family & friends. They love me & my daughter so much. They want the best for me. I have worked through my emotions…at least i think I do and then out of the blue I start to cry for no reason. It’s funny too…because the men I have dated always say they feel sorry for my ex…because of his addiction and what he is missing out on. I always shrug it off because I know what he has done. Plus…feeling sorry for someone is usually a telltale sign that someone is sociopathic. A good friend of mine, who never met my ex, told me that my ex is probably not doing that good. Which I know is true…but to hear it from someone that doesn’t even know him…kind of made me rethink everything.
I know my daughter and I are in good place – or at least very close to it. I still have my moments of my ex shattering all of my dreams of having a family. But I also know I have come so far in my healing! And that good things are to come out of all of this!!
Blessings to everyone!! Know that in the midst of the turmoil that gets inflicted upon you…good things come out. You don’t think you will ever feel good again, but be strong, surround yourself with people that love you and want the best for you and good will come to you!
I almost forgot to post the song. Here it is… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfvHu_hgVuc Happy Listening!!
Dear Aerin,
Thank you for posting today and updating us old hands around Here about how you are doing. You ARE doing the right thing to keep your daughter away from her sperm donor if he is in to drugs and not a good influence on her life. For him to pop in and then pop out again and back in and back out and back in and back out which is what you know would happen is going to be much more traumatic than for him to not be there at all.
I’m sorry you are missing your folks, it is tough to be an “orphan” at any age, but you DO have good memories, and just as I treasure the wonderful memories I have with my step father, treasure those memories you have with your folks and make new and good memories wit your daughter. Thhey may not be exactly like the ones you had as a child but they will be SPECIAL to her. God bless ((((hhugs)))
Aerin:
My father’s birthday is also on January 19. He died almost five years ago…it will be five years in July, but he would have been 85 this weekend. HUGS to you.