Lovefraud recently received an e-mail from a reader. Her company had hired a new guy and she was tasked with helping him learn his job. The guy immediately made her feel extremely uncomfortable. Here’s what she wrote:
I can’t look him in the eye or even stand to talk with him. He is very “nice” and has never shown any angry tendencies. I can’t explain my feelings but my intuition tells me to be wary and afraid of him. He exhibits self-important behavior and is glib and overly polite. Just the thought of him makes me shudder.
He’s never given me any concrete reason to dislike him. However when I very first met him, he was too familiar and presumptuous, calling me by my nickname on the first day, which only close friends and family do. He also pestered me to go to lunch with him every single day or would manipulate it so that he’d be alone in the office with me at lunchtime. He never made any type of sexual advances to me, but would ask me off the wall questions that were not work related and that I couldn’t possibly have an answer to; and once offered me $20 to buy myself lunch because I wouldn’t go with him. I reported him to HR twice to get that harassment on record and had his desk moved away from mine. Everyone who comes in contact with him describes him as creepy.
He has a wife and three kids and his wife is rumored to be well off. He is at work on time every day and doesn’t take time off. On the surface he seems to excel in his work but if you look deeper, you’ll see that it’s all shell with not much substance. He appears to excel at his job but some of us have caught him in borderline deceptions at work but I firmly believe he is manipulative and knows exactly what he’s up to. Others don’t detect that; they think he’s a really nice guy who just doesn’t fit in. He acts kind of like the dumb Southern nice guy next door but my intuition screams that there’s a sinister quality about him. Some of us joke about the target on our backs, don’t piss him off, that sort of thing. Dane Cook’s “Creepy Guy at Work” comes to mind.
I’ve done some minimal Internet investigation on him and extensive investigation into the behavior itself but can’t seem to pinpoint it. I have read so many books, including Robert Hare, Martha Stout and Gavin De Becker. A lot of things fit from the sociopath’s profile and your Red Flags page, though some really don’t; he doesn’t exhibit aggressiveness, hatred of authority or anger at work.
The presence and mere thought of this person causes me tremendous physical and mental stress. So I avoid him and his gaze at all costs. But why is this? I’m so curious to know what quality or element he possesses that repels me. I’ve never in my life felt this guarded around another person. Is there a textbook explanation? The experience has caused me to have a deeper look inside myself as I don’t like feeling this way about anyone.
Intuition at work
I congratulated this woman for listening to her intuition. She was receiving abundant warning signs, by her own physical reactions, that there was something wrong with her co-worker.
Read the symptoms she describes: She can’t look him in the eye. She can’t talk to him. She shudders. Her body knows that she is in the presence of evil. Her intuition is telling her that the guy is a predator, and if she is not careful, she will be road kill. The woman’s co-workers even joke about having targets on their backs.
And that gaze that she avoids? It’s probably a predatory stare.
Yet he hasn’t done anything to cause problems. He is not overtly hostile or aggressive. In fact, he is overly polite.
So she asks, is there a textbook explanation?
Range of behaviors
The answer is yes. The explanation is that psychopaths exhibit a range of behaviors, and some are worse than others. If this woman’s co-worker was tested with the Hare PCL-R, his score might be too low to be officially considered a psychopath. That doesn’t mean he is not dangerous.
The common perception of a psychopath, popularized by the media, is a violent, manic-looking serial killer. In a few cases—very few—this is an accurate portrayal. But the vast majority of psychopaths never kill anyone.
Instead, they do things like create problems on the job. As our Lovefraud reader noted, the guy “seems to excel in his work but if you look deeper, you’ll see that it’s all shell with not much substance.”
Psychopaths at work typically get other people to do the work and then take credit, figure out whom they need to brownnose in order to get ahead, and sabotage anyone who gets in their way.
Executive psychopaths
Some psychopaths, ruthless and cutthroat, claw their way to the top, and then turn into tyrants. Dr. Robert Hare and Dr. Paul Babiak wrote a book called Snakes in Suits about psychopaths in the workplace.
Here’s a statistic that knocked my socks off:
Dr. Hare believes that psychopaths make up one percent of the population of North America. (Other people, using different criteria, believe the number is higher.) However, Dr. Hare writes in Snakes in Suits that three percent of corporate executives are psychopaths.
Did you get that? There are three times as many psychopaths among corporate executives as there are in the general population.
So that’s what happens to psychopaths in the workplace. They move into the corner office.
Listening to vibes
The Lovefraud reader was not comfortable with how she felt about this guy. I think she should be grateful to her intuition for being so vigilant. I also think she should acknowledge herself for listening to the vibes she was picking up.
I feel sorry for the people at her company who “think he’s a really nice guy who just doesn’t fit in.” They will probably find themselves as either victims, or unwitting accomplices, of workplace treachery.
By the way, chapters three and four of Snakes in Suits explains how psychopaths manipulate their victims. It is chilling.
‘Bad vibes from a workplace psychopath” was my e-mail to Lovefraud. Thank you all for your views and support. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who have ever crossed paths with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I highly recommend Gavin DeBecker’s book The Gift of Fear. It changed my life and tuned me in, intuition and instinct is everything. Everything.
To Concerned Viewer, apology accepted. When you state that “our actions reflect heavily on the world that we occupy and that we may consciously or unconsciously shape our reality and the reality of others by way of our actions and feelings” I couldn’t agree more. But it goes both ways. I did say “Everyone who comes in contact with him describes him as creepy.” This is not entirely my perception. There’s something dreadfully wrong there. Like the rest of you, I’m a kind, generous and very compassionate person. To feel so involuntarily repelled, physically and mentally by another human being so totally goes against the grain of all that is me, that it has caused me hours of anguish trying to figure it out. I attribute it to the truth, and you better believe I sit up and take notice with every neuron and fiber. I am my protection.
AwakeAlive. Interesting to read your posting on LoveFraud. I agree that an encounter with someone with personality disorder is not your simple love scenario. It strikes at the very core, deep. We question every part of the shadow and I have had to examine recesses in my mind, around my own thinking that I never thought possible. This has been a deeply painful but enriching experiences for me that has shakin my very foundation, and I am a very strong intelligent person. It doesnt matter, whether you are intelligent or not, the intelligent ones always make better targets, I learnt from ‘The art of Seduction’ book. The intelligent ones take in the brainwashing better, they are more responsive, more analytical, more switched on to the N,P,S – and that is what they want – they want your energy.
Beverly, I agree that N’s/P’s tend to seek out intelligent people. From what I have read so far on this site, and on a couple of other sites, the members come across as very intelligent and very articulate.
My ex loved to talk, in fact he could talk for England and often berated younger women for not being able to ‘hold much of a conversation’. He was intelligent, and knew a lot of information about many subjects, which made for interesting conversations. And he was full of energy most of the time, though there were times when he would sleep until 2pm. I guess he burned himself out from time to time. His mind was constantly ticking over, even as we sat together eating, or watching TV, I could tell that his mind was working overtime…..probably trying to work out how to manage his time with OW! Or how to keep me in the loop without making too much of a commitment!
Very interesting, Beverly. Especially your comment that it’s shaken your very foundation. I relate to that and your words that it strikes at the very core, deep. My experience with this man at one point nearly consumed me in and out of work. He did get my energy and at times still saps it away! I say at times because I go out of my way to not have contact with this man, but his presence seeps in to my day. Some of his offhand comments bothered me so much that I did a basic internet investigation of him and even went as far as to check the registered sex offenders in my state and the state he says he’s from. But to no avail. I even considered having him investigated by a professional on my own dime. Yes, I have put this on record with HR twice. When he was hired, he was not thoroughly investigated by our company, in keeping with the privacy act for our state. Strangely, the HR Director commented that he gives her the creeps as well. Ha!
Thank goodness for this website. It has allowed me to voice my opinion, (almost a taboo opinion) about another person, pretty much without repercussion. I would never even consider referring to this person as P, S or N to anyone but my closet friend who understands, least I be judged.
So point taken, the intelligent ones are more responsive and pose much more of a challenge to P,S,N. But touche’ because he in turn, presents a challenge to me on a scale to which I’ve never experienced before. Why do I feel this way? Why? I’m salt of the Earth, feet on the ground and I am fascinated.
i met my ex spath at work how ironic, he was watching and listening before he made a move on me. he was surounded by attractive girls at this work place a n at a loss for which ones to go for i think now. the first intro to him he just was listening to me talk to someone else and he cut into the convo un invited and started to ask me questions about my personel life almost right off, did have boyfriend blah blah do youlive with him, i was shocked he would ask me this stuff. he walked around a t work in his suit all thinking he was very well to do. he only worked casual, spent his free time loafing around at home,. he didnt get on with his boss, and seemed to not do much work more socialising. when he took an interst in me and we were becoming friendly i heard other girls saying he was annoying touching them and calling them in other departments uninvited, while he was persuing me at the same time red flag big time. with me he was watching me all the time from where he worked i could feel his eyes on me. he went out of his way to help at work when one else would help me, he was touchy feely one day he brushed my hair out of my face like invaded my personel space to me that is something only a lover or family member does i cringed when he did this and he laughed and said you dont like that do you and i said no. then he once said to me he was going to come ova and kick my boyfriend out of my place, and i said well he pretty big, and he laughed it off saying i was only joking. so he had his sights set on me and was doing all this stuff to win me over. i wish i had listened to my self more. he also said stuff like i adore you id do anything for you and i am a person who likes simple pleasures, all of these and other things he said to me now i know have hidden meanings i wasnt aware of back then. hed aslo say; if i tell yousomething you should believe it! and if he didnt want to talk about something hed say ive already been thru this with you! yeh great words to say to someone you love……… thanks to you all its like reading my own story reading yours too.
AwakeAlive. I almost went down that route. I googled him, I thought he must be safe he has a security industry licence. Towards the end, I got in touch with a private investigator to find out what services available. He has very few official ties, no passport, etc. I thought at times I was going crazy. I even went to counselling 9 months after I met him to ask why I kept feeling so unstable with him and even she didnt diagnose him as an N. I since found out that even security industry licences are sometimes issued to unappropriate people and some offences are considered spent after a period of time, so a licence could still be obtained and the procedure to get a licence attend one days training is not difficult. So the Licence turned out not to be reliable. He even got his current job by fooling me into giving him a reference and he only needed a reference from last job, so he was in. Into a place where 95% of staff are females in the caring industry. I was even told by HR that what adults get up to in their time is their business.
I met a guy at work and have had an ongoing relationship with him. He has had all kinds of financial issues and I have given him thousands of dollars. I really didn’t believe that things that people had said about him not being trustworthy and being a liar. He seemed very sincere and kind. I fell in love with him.
I had began suspecting that he was being untruthful to me in the past few months. There were women’s underwear and lingerie in his laundry basket. He told me that they were his grand-daughter’s (she is 17).
Recently I came across some pictures of his cruise in the summer with his family (what he told me) and there are pictures of him and his godson’s mother posing together. I bought this man suits and a tux for this cruise and he took another woman. He says he is going to Vegas with his family this summer but I know now that this isn’t true. He has had an ongoing relationship with this other woman the whole time he has been seeing me.
He even told me that there are no other women in his life, only me.
He has been in the hospital with pneumonia and I am waiting for him to get better before confronting him. Any suggestions?
By the way, the Cadillac that he drives is owned and being paid for by me. This man is very manipulative and a great conversationalist. He sounds so sincere and convincing.
hummingbird – all I can say is Listen to your Instincts! I dont know how long you have been seeing him, but its likely not going to get better, given the information so far. I know how it is, to keep looking for the good in him, believing his perfectly arranged words, your hear what he says, but your gut tells you different.
I fell in love with a man that could convince me of anything – he kept lying, cheating, and manipulating me and yet I still went back for more, over and over. I wasted two years trying to “give him a chance” and he just kept trying different tactics on me, he would learn what he could and couldnt get by with and become a better liar or a better sneak the next time.
I finally got to a place where I did not want to worry anymore. It was making me physically break down and my mind was getting so very tired. I’m out for good, only since December but it feels such a relief to not be bothered by his whereabouts or who he is sleeping with tonight.
Listen to your inside feelings, the little voice that tells you what you need to do. Dont second guess – you deserve so much more than what he is forcing you to take.
best wishes and keep reading this site.. it is medicine for the soul as you go through breaking away from this kind of man.
L.
Thanks findingmyselfagain.
I read the definition of a sociopath and there were so many similarities in his behavior.
It is so odd that I still feel something for this man after finding out how truly unfaithful and untruthful he has been.
Truthfully, I felt sorry for his financial situation. He does work full-time and has to pay child support for a child that lived with him but is not his child. He hasn’t had money to pay for his medicine – he has a lot of health issues including diabetes.
I know that I should not have jeopardized my own financial situation to bail him out over and over again.
He always has an answer for everything. I know I need to get him out of my life. Unfortunately we both work for the same government agency so I will see him at work.
hummingbird – I work with mine too. I have to deal with him once a month pretty heavily with his projects. Like you said, you dont get why you feel something for him when you know what he’s all about. I do too. I miss him and I still feel drawn to him but I have to self-talk daily that what I miss and love is not a real person. It is a person I “wish” he was.
They always have sob stories.. are down on their luck for all kinds of reasons. What better way to win over a caring, giving, sympathetic woman? Then once they have you, they can begin to play their games. You have to stop feeling sorry for him and begin to feel sorry for yourself.. then begin to heal and become strong again. Become the woman you were before you were pulled down into his little tornado of needy, poor him.
It takes alot of strength on your part, to do what is best for yourself. They have a strange power over us and when they sense you are becoming strong and trying to break away, all the charm or the tears, or the needs come out of them like crazy. They know your buttons to push that will get you right back. You have to set your mind to believe in better for yourself. If you stay or go back to him, you will begin the vicious cycle of unrest and unhealthy patterns that so many of us on here have done from 1 year to 18 years… the stories are so varied.