Be judgmental when you choose a romantic partner

Society is always telling us not to be judgmental. We should let people express themselves and accept them for who they are. This is fine with people we encounter in stores, at work or in the community. It is not fine in dating. As you look for love, you absolutely must be judgmental when you choose a romantic partner.

You especially need your judgment to avoid the 12% of the population who are sociopaths. These people make terrible partners. They do not have the ability to authentically love, but they are really good at faking it. That’s why it’s so important to look carefully any potential suitor, especially if the person is rushing the relationship or you’re feeling doubts. 

I, of course, learned this the hard way. I was seduced by James Alwyn Montgomery, originally from Sydney, Australia. He engaged love bombing, the pity play — all the typical sociopathic seduction strategies. At the time I did not recognize his gambits; I thought he was head-over-heels in love with me. Still, if I had been judgmental about him, I could have escaped my disastrous marriage.

For example, I was never physically attracted to Montgomery. (See below, Judgment #1). I’m an athlete and have always stayed in shape. He had a huge belly — he looked like he was pregnant with twins. But on one of our early dates, Montgomery asked me to help him get in shape. He seemed sincere, so I thought if he lost the gut, I could live with that. Needless to say, he never did.

10 critical judgments

Following are 10 judgments you should make about any potential partner. They are especially helpful in weeding out sociopaths. 

Judgment #1 — Are you attracted to who this person is right now?

Don’t make the mistake of falling for a person’s potential, like I did. Physically, Montgomery was not attractive to me. I wanted him to change. This is always a bad idea, even if the person isn’t a sociopath. So if your new beau promises to get in shape, stop smoking, quit drugs, get a job — well, there’s a good chance that it will never happen. If you aren’t attracted to who he or she is now, you should end your involvement.

Judgment #2 — Does this person have a substance abuse problem?

If your new beau is partaking of drugs or alcohol too much, it may be more than a penchant for partying — it may be a warning. Antisocials and psychopaths are always looking for a thrill, and many get it from drugs or alcohol. Sociopaths are often addicts. In fact, antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy and addiction are genetically related conditions. 

And remember, even if a sociopath overcomes addiction, which is possible, he or she is still a sociopath.

Judgment #3 — Have you caught your new love interest in lies?

Sociopaths lie. They tell big lies, little lies, stupid lies. They lie by telling you falsehoods, and they lie by omission — not revealing things that you should know. Then they cover up their lies with more lies. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, recommends the three-strike rule — three lies and you’re out. It’s a good rule.

Judgment #4 — Do you know exactly who your new love interest is? Are you sure?

Many sociopaths lie about their very identities. They exaggerate their accomplishments and whitewash their bad behavior. They pretend to be cops, doctors, clergy and all kinds of experts, when they are not. Some may fail to mention multiple children. Others live double lives. 

How do you really know who they are? Documents can be forged. The best way is to get information from their families and friends. If they don’t want you to meet their families and friends, be suspicious.

Judgment #5 — Does your new love interest keep promises?

The whole point of a romantic partnership is to be able to rely on each other. So, can you rely on your new love interest? He or she should show up as promised, deliver as promised and keep his or her word. If this isn’t happening, and you’re getting excuses instead, it’s a bad sign for the future.

Judgment #6 — Is your new love interest trying to control you?

Sociopaths are all about power and control, but you may not realize when they are exerting control. For example, not long after I started seeing Montgomery, he wanted us to decide where we would spend each night — his place or mine — and put it in our “diaries.” (That’s Australian for “calendars.”) It seemed like he was being romantic, but actually he was establishing control over my actions. 

Read more: Is your partner a sociopath?

Judgment #7 — Is your new love interest financially stable?

Having money, or at least the capacity to earn money, is an indication of whether your new love interest will contribute to your partnership or simply take from it. Sociopaths are famous for their parasitic lifestyles. Many are looking for someone to support them. Perhaps you’re not concerned about this — you have plenty of financial resources and are willing to share. Well, to a sociopath, the more you have, the more there is to take. 

Judgment #8 — Are there criminals in this person’s family?

Maybe your new love interest tells you about family members who are violent or have criminal records. Maybe you meet them and they’re scary. Keep in mind that antisocial and psychopathic personality disorders are highly genetic. Even if your partner is not affected, disorder in the family could mean future problems. Your partner could be drawn into trouble. And if you have children together, the genes of disorder could be passed to them.

Judgment #9 — Does this person have friends? Do you like them?

It’s very important to meet your new love interest’s friends. First of all, they can confirm or deny what your partner has told you about himself or herself. Secondly, you’ll learn about his or her lifestyle. Does it match yours? And if there’s a conflict between you and the friends, who will your partner side with?

Judgment #10 — Does this person drain your energy?

In a good relationship, you support each other — you are there for your partner, and he or she is there for you. Yes, sometimes one partner needs more support than the other, but over time, it should feel balanced. If you feel like you’re doing all the giving and your love interest is doing all the taking, you will become resentful, depleted, or both. 

Remember, sociopaths will take whatever you have to give, and then they will discard you. If you’re feeling drained, the sooner you get out, the better.

Carefully consider all these judgments

None of these judgments by itself is foolproof. 

For example, Montgomery and I traveled to Australia to get married, where I met his close friend and family. The friend validated Montgomery’s stories, but I later found out that he was a partner in crime. Montgomery’s family all seemed to be nice. They, however, were clueless about his true activities. 

Montgomery’s brother and sister-in-law were both psychologists. I told his sister-in-law that my fiancé said he was going to lose weight. “He’ll never do it,” she replied.

I was shocked. I protested, “He said he wanted to get in shape.” 

“He’ll never do it,” she repeated. Then she offered advice for the bride-to-be: “The secret to relationship is acceptance.”

She was right, of course (even though my psychologist future sister-in-law did not recognize Montgomery’s disorder). 

If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must be able to accept him or her. But when your partner is a sociopath, the only way to accept him or her is to abandon yourself. That’s not a good idea.

When choosing a romantic partner, it is important to first, listen to your instincts, and second, act on them. This means you must be judgmental when you choose a romantic partner. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Learn more: Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass