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Be wild at heart after the sociopath is gone

Finding what we lost after coming out from the turmoil of a relationship with a sociopath can be daunting. Healing from these encounters takes time. Yet, we have a tendency to believe we should be able to get over it, be done, and finished with the hurting within a pre-determined schedule carefully marked on the calendar page. As if healing from an emotional rape has a timeline and can be accomplished by following the direct line from A to Z.

There is no alphabet encoded path to healing from these encounters. No step by step process that states do this and in 23 days you will be healed.

I used to hate the word, ‘organic’. As in, the process is organic. Since getting free from his abuse, I’ve learned to love it. Healing from abuse, any kind of abuse, is an organic process. It begins within me. It moves within me. It changes within me so that outside I can live the life I’ve always dreamed. The life I deserve.

One of the most difficult aspects of healing that I have encountered with many many people is embracing the belief, I deserve to heal.

So often, abuse leaves a trail of shame and self-blame. Like Hansel and Gretel looking for a way back through the forest, the abused drop grains of self-respect along the path leading to their abuser. Caught amidst the deceitful web the abuser must weave to keep the victim trapped within their embrace, the seeds marking the path back to self lie like fallow fields of grain, never to be reseeded as they get picked over by the carrion hovering above the dark cloud of the victim’s existence.

To heal, I had to believe I was worthy, deserving, able to heal. I had to choose to believe I could heal.

That’s hard.

The wounds inflicted by an abuser run deep. They run wide. They run wild within our psyches. Choosing to believe I could heal was the first step to healing.

Taking action that supported me in healing was the next step. That included writing, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, loving self-care. I had to take positive actions that affirmed my belief I could heal. It was up to me.

One of my mantras in healing became, “Never say never.”

It is often instinctual to say, “I will never …. Heal. I will never trust another human being. I will never love again,” after an encounter with an abuser.

Truth is, we have no idea what the future holds in store. All we can do is our very best today. All we can do is be true to ourselves in this moment so that the next is a continuation of our very best.

When I say, “I will never trust again,” I am saying, “I choose to set myself up today so that I will not be trusting, or trustworthy in the future.”

When I say, “I will never love again,” I am saying, “I am terrified the past will repeat itself. I will avoid at all costs loving anyone — and that includes myself, because love hurts and I don’t want to hurt like this again.”

Saying ‘never’ is lethal in healing. Never is the dam holding us back from claiming our right to live the life of our dreams.

There is no straight line in healing. There is only the choice to do what is loving, caring, healing — or not. The path to well-being is winding and circuitous. Four+ years after that encounter, I still find corners of unease — not because of him, but rather because the tapes in my head fire off messages that undermine me, disturb my peace of mind, unsettle my well-being.

Those tapes were there before I met him. Some things haven’t changed! What has changed however is my awareness of them and my ability to navigate rough waters, to walk through rocky terrain, to be determined and convinced of my right to live my most beautiful life today.

I can’t unwind the tapes from the past. I can limit their playing continuously in my head today by living free of the belief I don’t deserve to heal, I don’t deserve a life of joy.

Truth is, I absolutely do deserve a life of joy and wonder. We all do.

It’s up to me to live it up and be magnificent! This is my one wild precious life. To live on purpose. With purpose. This is my one wild precious moment be be the star of my creation, shining light on the path of my healing. To map the wild and unexplored territory of my heart. To discover the hidden treasures within me as I explore life beyond the boundaires of my imagination. Passionate and free, I become the wild one, the fearless inspiration of my own design to become all that I am meant to be.

For each of us, this is our one and only life. May we all live it with fearless abandon, being the awesome human beings we saw ourselves to be when first we touched the fiery breath of their assertions that we are magnificent. We are. It was they who were blind. In healing, do not let the burning pain of his abuse destroy the truth — You are magnificent. An awesome human being on the journey of her lifetime. Life it up!

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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47 Comments on "Be wild at heart after the sociopath is gone"

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Thank you so much for this post.

I remember when I made up my mind, in the month after I finally got him out of my life after five years of destruction, making the decision to live rather than kill myself. And with it, making it the decision to figure out what was wrong with me that I had been so untrustworthy with myself, so unable to protect or defend myself from this thing that has destroyed my self-esteem, looted my bank account, killed my company. I couldn’t blame him totally, because I had collaborated in every bit of it, breathlessly trying and trying and trying to cross that constantly changing finish line to where he would love me.

Making a decision to get better was an amazing thing, even in those dark times. It was like the most important gift I’d ever received, and perhaps the only important gift I’d ever given myself. Inside that decision was hope and a kind of confidence in myself that was lost in every other facet of my life.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy and it would take time. My thinking and feeling processes were so tangled up. There wasn’t a thought or feeling I had that was simple, nothing I didn’t question, wondering if I was wrong to think it or feel it.

I’ve written this before here — and I know it’s a very strange thing to say — but after three and a half years of working on this, I’m glad I was forced to go through this process. I feel like this man brought in the last chapter of my life as a woman who needed external validation and who had little faith in her ability to take care of herself alone. Healing has been the first chapter of my new life in which I’m not only more self-sufficient, but also more spiritually evolved and more connected with life than I ever was before.

I’ve also learned that my attention, where I choose to invest my time and interest, is the most important self-management tool in my life. “Evil” is evil because it destructive. But an encounter with evil is so dangerous because it is seductive. Yes, sociopaths are attracted to generous, giving people. But we are victims, especially in intimate relationships, because we are tempted to sell our souls in little increments in pursuit of some romantic fairytale.

I remember, while I was involved with him, asking myself, “Can I give up this, if it will make him love me?” Can I let go of control over my money? Can I accept that he doesn’t think I’m smart or pretty? Can I live with his infidelities? Can I live with my own pain if I take him back again? The “prize” of these trade offs kept getting smaller. In the beginning, I was aiming at the kind of committed relationship I’d had with other people. At the end, all I was hoping for was that he not be cruel to me in front of other people. No, that’s not even the worst of it. At the end, the best I was hoping for was that I could somehow conduct my life without crying in front of everyone. And that was BEFORE I made up my mind to get him out of my life, while I was still supporting him and begging him to care about how much he was hurting me, even if he couldn’t love me.

I look back at those days, and I want to throw up. Because I got involved with someone like him. Because I did so much damage to myself. But the key words here are that I did it. Something in me said yes.

Today, I feel like I’ve come through a great war. It looked like a war with him but it was truly a war with myself. Not the “real” me, but a lot of ideas I had and rules I lived by that weren’t functional and certainly weren’t designed to take care of me.

The most important thing I learn was that I have a right to my feelings. They are the voice of my needs. And every human being has needs like being appreciated, being understood, companionship and community, and seeing our efforts turn into results. These are all the needs that were unmet when I was involved with the sociopath, and those unmet needs were generating pain the entire time.

We can’t demand that everyone meet all our needs. But we do have choices about where we put our attention. Turning away is a powerful thing. Choosing to focus on what delivers good to our lives is how we create a joyous and meaningful “now” and future. That’s why “no contact” is a vote for your own wellbeing. And that’s why letting go and moving on, as soon you can process your grief, is the end of that chapter and the beginning of a better one.

It wasn’t easy to get here. I still get flashes of brutal things he said, or sudden understandings of how coldly I was used. But that was then, and this is my life now. I’m not collaborating with him anymore in destroying it or my self-esteem. And I just think, yup, that’s how it was, and move on to something that serves me and the things I care about.

So this has been very long-winded, but in conclusion, I totally agree with you. Healing is a gift we give ourselves, and the people we love. I’m not sure if it was here on Love Fraud or somewhere else that I read, “The things we don’t grieve we pass on to our children.” And our friends, and our future lovers, and the people who we touch in all our lives.

Taking this healing seriously was the best thing I ever did for myself. And it turned the greatest disaster of my life into the greatest triumph. I wish each and every one of us a brilliant second life.

khatalyst

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and inspirational post. It is true—when we allow ourselves to heal after the horrible injustice and pain of a sociopath, our lives can truly blossom.

Dear Donna,

Would you consider posting khatalyst’s comment as a Blog Entry? It is simply WONDERFUL… I wouldn’t want anyone to miss it.

Dear Khatalyst,

Thank you Khatalyst. I can’t even begin to say what it was that was so great about this… ALL OF IT. The Bad Man was my wakeup call that I was living for validation by someone else. I knew it but I thought it was okay… until the ultimate train wreck. Now I know it’s not okay.

Oh how I can relate to your decline in expectations of the relationship!!! And trying to cross the finish line where you would get the prize.. the “Love.”

This was a Brilliant contribution. Thank you so much for putting this into words.

Thank you, thank you, thanks you…. thank you!

Aloha… E.R.

To ML Gallagher,

Thank you for the reminder to be wild and free. I do need to take on my healing with a little joy and freedon. I do want to love and trust again. I need to be open to giving someone a chance to love me and to experience me trusting again.

You know, it’s hard to write that. I do have someone in my life but I do have a lot of fear. He is a patient man, and it is obvious for so many reasons that he is truly a kind person… (I did my homework on him, checked his references.. blah blah.) He has never given me any reason not to trust him so I know the reasons are coming from inside me.. the tapes… the knowing of things I did not know before.

Anyway, I always have something to say so I will just ponder this one by myself. But thank you for your post. I shall return to it often until I get it on the inside. :o)

Aloha…. E.R.

I too so relate to what khatalyst has written…….. taking something that nearly destroyed me, and making it into something that changed me for the better….. helping me to evolve into a smarter, more true person…… Oh how I relate to jumping through the hoops….. selling myself short…. accepting so little from someone who I loved deeply, but made me feel so unloved, unneeded, unvalued…..unwanted….all for wanting their love….. a love that in the end, they were totally uncapable of giving….. being used for someone elses own self gratifacation…..and all the while… in my heart…..knowing it was wrong….knowing it was hurting me…..but trying to convince myself she was worth it……”I can do this” I would tell myself with a heavy heart….. My thinking was skewered….. but of course wasn’t all of our thinking that way? The promise of love with someone who touches and pushes those certain buttons within our soul that most cannot find is indeed very alluring…. it is…. our dream come true….. and for most of us… we now know that if it seems too good to be true..chances are….. it is. The healing takes so long…. longer then I could have ever imagined….. longer then with most “regular” relationships…. but in that healing…… in those tapes that run in our heads…..we find the flaw in ourselves, and we work on that….. None of us deserved what we received from our relationship with a sociopathic person…. and yes… on some levels we were a accomplice to their hidden agenda which was disguised as love….but from the ashes we have risen…. to become not only more healthy and wiser… but to love one’s self and others in a more Agape way……. The scar will always stay….. but with time and work…..self forgivness, hope and wisdom grow…..and in time comes peace…….

Agape to all

Thank you for your kind words.

I too wrote my way through this. When I was doing it, writing from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed for a long time, I felt like I was writing a travelogue. I had some idea that I might be able to publish it, though I’m not sure I even want to live through it again in editing it.

Instead, I’m probably going to publish a book of poems that also came from this period. I used to be a very good poet. While this was going on, I was writing poems that were like a straight transfusion from the inside of my head to the paper. I didn’t care if they were elegant or structured. I just cared if they were true. And they’re very rough stuff.

I didn’t know if they were worth anything. So I screwed up my courage to take them to an open mike where a lot of established poets go to try out their new work. It took all the nerve I had to expose myself this way.

Over the course of a year, I’ve gone four times with different groups of poems. (That’s how long it would take me to get up my nerve again.) The poems talk about the relationship with the sociopath and what a fool I was. They talk openly about the sexual and emotional abuse of my childhood that set me up for the sociopath. They talk about how I was drowning in pain, and my long path out of it.

I’m telling you all this, because I want you to hear the punchline. The first three times I went, there was very little response, except for one or two people who would say something kind, not about my poems but encouraging me. I always felt like they probably saw how upset I was, and were trying to make me feel better.

But the last time I went, it was a packed house, because there were some very popular people reading there. It was my turn to read after two very entertaining poets who made people laugh. I felt like an idiot climbing up to the stage with my lugubrious recovery poems. Who’d want to hear them?

Well, this time, with a group that was largely not poets, just regular people, I got an entirely different response. Are you ready? They clapped, whistle and hooted. After the first one, I was so shocked I didn’t know whether I should go on. But I did read the three more poems, and at the end they did the same thing.

When I got down off the stage, more than a dozen people got up from their chairs to tell me how good the poems were and that I should get this stuff published. But the best thing was the last person who talked to me, sort of. I was almost back to my seat when a woman walked past me, her head down, buttoning up her coat. Without even stopping, she murmured, “Keep it up. You’re doing this for all of us.”

I’m passing this on to you, because it goes against everything we’ve been talking about, about how hard it is to talk about this experience, and how no one understands. (Even my therapist was horrified when she heard I was taking these poems public, telling me “that’s private.”) Maybe we’re wrong about imagining that we are isolated in this experience, and that other people don’t get it. Maybe they do. Maybe everyone has had their own brush with a sociopath, and like us, they are silenced by confusion and shame. Maybe what we’re seeing when we try to talk about it, is their distress and avoidance of being reminded of their own bad experience.

I don’t know if that’s true, but I am astounded by what happened in that room. The most I ever hoped for was that my writing would provide support and maybe some hints for someone else who was traveling a similar path. I know that when one person in a dysfunctional family gets into therapy, it tends to have a positive ripple effect on the whole family over time. Maybe there’s a bigger picture. That our healing ripples out to encourage and support more people than we know.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

I have tried to get over my life married to a sociopath. I can’t. I have tried every agency in my county for help, & got none. My lawyer has done nothing to help me. The holiday time has depressed me so bad, I just want to go to sleep & not wake up. The abuse was at least attention. Thie lonliness is killing me.

To sstiles54

It was pointed out to me that sometimes even bad attention is addicting because it’s… attention. We all need some attention.

Going through a relationship with a sociopath is our wake up call that we need to love ourselves and give ourselves, and our feelings, and our well being… our own attention. It’s the old saying, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.”

If we gave ourselves even half the love and attention we gave to those terribly destructive and exhausting relationships, where would we be ourselves? We would be healthier and more whole. There is no substitute for loving ourselves. Nothing, no thing, no one, can do that for us.

As you come out of a relationship with a Sociopath, you may feel like you are on empty. Everyone here on LoveFraud has been to the empty place. You have to choose to heal like M.L. Gallagher says. It’s okay even if you don’t know how… just choose it and it will come to you slowly over time.

Also, check with a women’s crisis support center. They usually have services for women, including counseling, at a YWCA. I am looking into that for myself. I get depressed during the holidays too. Find a volunteer thing you can do, even if it’s just one hour per week. I volunteer at the Homeless Shelter and it helps me keep things in perspective.

If you are new to this site, keep reading. You are not alone.

Aloha… E.R.

To sstiles54 (and holehearted who sounded so low the other day):
This site has helped me so much to see that I am not alone and there is no shame in having really tried to love someone – we all just picked the wrong ‘someone’! But the real lie is to think we’re not worthy of love, and even if like holehearted, we look at ourselves and see where we have not been perfect in our behavior or thoughts towards others, that’s okay-we can learn, make amends if possible and choose to change. I’ve felt that lately and had suicidal thoughts and yet even a day or week later reallzed those are just thoughts, only thoughts and we are capable of changing those, or at least being a spectator to them and saying, these thoughts suck but they mean I’m going through this beginning phase of healing from something that has been thorougly traumatic! TRAUMATIC.

But I also realized why should I be a victim to myself – shall we replace that bad attention with bad attention from ourselves? I’ve always been a bit of a loner and a woman friend called me to let me know of an event
where there would be great musicians – I finally felt like being social and
went and had a great time – someone asked for my phone number and
we’ll see how that plays out, I have no expectations. It was so great to
dance, dance, DANCE…and I need more of that – and other smiling faces. So I’m going to dance and take bubble baths and fix myself nice
breakfasts and like ML said, take walks – anything physical gets your
endorphins (your mojo) workin’ again!

I still miss my man and he may call next week = who knows. I know I’m better though as I’ve started to mix in reading novels and something
other than self-help. A subscription to Science of Mind (you can google
Ernest Holmes) magazine is uplifting. And a great book a friend told me
about is Eat, Pray, Love by Elisabeth Gilbert – it’s a story of a successful real-life writer’s own bout with the aftermath of an ugly divorce and the really difficult next relationship with a man she knew
she had to exit – as she said, the second man “was both catnip and
Kryptonite to me.” Her writing is so great – you’ll know she’s another
kindred spirit to us all and went to her own depths before embracing life
on her own terms.

Good luck, keep the faith and thanks for everyone sharing here.

To sstiles54, I feel your pain too. I only ever had negative attention from my husband, unless the calendar called for something different, that when I met a man who wanted us to be friends, I grabbed it. It turned out that he just wanted to use me, but I, too, took his negative attention, because it was something. I was going through the empty nest syndrome and all my world that was familiar to me, was suddenly gone. My husband had set me out to the curb and this friend was there. He knew my despair and used it all against me, to manipulate money from me, but wouldn’t give much of anything back, and I was so broken, I didn’t realize that all his attention, was just to get attention for himself.

I found through that whole process of not understanding, I would journal. It helped me so much to be able to just put on paper what I was thinking and feeling at the time. I found if I wrote it down, I didn’t have to carry it inside. It helped, too, in being able to look back and realize that I really was being used, and it brought the relationship into a perspective that I started to understand. I was able to compare and realize the things he did to me and how they would correspond with some reaction. I started to see him in a new light, and that’s when the light dawned, and knew he had taken major advantage of me.

He wanted to run in and out of my life, but didn’t want me in his. That’s because, as I found out through my own sleuthing, that he has lots to hide. I, too, just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. I missed my children so badly. My husband didn’t want me, and this man, who insisted we were friends, was just using me. It seems we all want to be loved as we love, but there are those who seek to gain someone’s love, only to use that for personal gain, then when they got what they wanted, we are left behind. We waited so long for our turn, that we realize it was never in the works. It’s like staring into the darkness for so long that we think we finally see some light, but it’s just a figment of our imagination. I used to think I was way too sensitive and emotional, until I realized they had none. I’m thankful that I can at least feel. The ones I’ve been around have so much pride, they would never admit to anything real.

My thought was that the friend had given his love away at one time, and he didn’t get a return like he thought, and he was going to take from others and not give again. He has played with women’s hearts and plays sex games that leave a woman feeling rather frustrated, but he can go out and find anyone who will do what he wants. It’s just a game. Knowing that, is what helped me finally get over him. I finally woke up one day and said, I’ve had enough. He’s too void of feeling and I’m sick of this one sided friendship. It takes convincing and one day, you too will see that. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get him out of my head, but I started searching out sites such as this, to help explain the behavior of ones like him. It helped me learn about obsessive thinking. And we really can’t change someone. If they don’t want to contribute in a positive way, we either take what little they give and keep them around, or dump them and go it alone.

I’d rather have peace by myself than to constantly wonder who he’s with and why is he so secretive. That’s part of his game plan too. He likes the attention he gets, even if it’s negative. It’s all about him. No more.

This is one of the best threads I think on this site, it is so positive, and yet reminds us that there are people still in the newness and depths of pain as stiles was here.

I wept reading it, but tears of joy–and hope and promise.

To find joyfulness again – to be rid of the little creature of pain that climbs around inside all the time sounds so freeing and light. I guess its just time and patience with yourself that brings on the ability to be Wild at Heart again. I wish some days I could have a looking glass to see ahead that there is something good and wholesome waiting for me. I long for the day of a joyful heart again. Its been such a long road of worry and turmoil. The S – they do love the drama dont they. You are right – its attention they get, whether positive or negative – they will take all the energy from you they can possibly absorb. I guess we are all on a mission here, to recharge our own battery and blossom once again into the lovely women we are.

Today I AM FREE.

I haven’t said much about it b/c I needed to stay focused, to stay on task. So many times I have tried to pursue my divorce but I was in such emotional pain that even his normal shenanigans would send me into the depths of despair. I set the work aside time and time again. I couldn not stop crying enough to fill out paperwork as I realized, for example, all those times I was doing without, while he took the money to spend on other women and those he needed to impress, and all the times he withdrew sums from our business to set aside when he was divorced from me, so I would not have the assets to claim b/c HE had secreted them away for just HIM.

Finally I decided. Well. That’s the abyss. He is the abyss; the unending yawn of nothingness. And to cut myself free, I MUST stare into the abyss.

That is what I did, STARED unceasingly at the precipice of evil darkness. Will I fall and die in obscurity? Or banish the blackness? I did neither. The abyss is still there. I did not die (but I did get VERY sick.)

What I did instead was hitch my rope up and tied it fast to the hope and councel of this site and the wisdom of these good people here. And when I was nearly swept off, I found myself held alight with the words of so many angels as I have found here. Angels you must be, sent to save me from the stupidity of my choices, the gullibility of my weak nature, the vulnerability of my trusting heart.

As of today, My divorce is final. He is severed from me. As of today, I no longer worry what might delay or suspend the process. It happened, it finally happened. I am FREE. and 2012 will be MY YEAR to feed my soul and feel my spirit and feed my ability to LOVE and GIVE and APPRECIATE ALL that I have been blessed with by GOD.

I don’t have the words to express the joy in my heart, the feeling of optimism that I carry. Joy to the WORLD. I am FREE.

2012 is truly MY NEW YEAR. Happy New YEARS to you All. I wish you ALL the same feeling of joy that I carry inside tonight and like the article says, “A Brilliant Second Life.”

Katydid! You DID it girl. Good lass. Happy 2012. You’re so inspiring, gutsy and funny. You enjoy your freedom.

: )

Katy.
Good for you and congratulations! Give yourself permission to LIVE now! 2012……here comes KATY!!!!
XXOO

TOWANDA KATY!!!! YOU DID IT! Wonderful, I am doing a little happy dance for you!!!

December 31 must be under a “good star” because I also had a little happy thing happen. Something I have been trying to sell without much success UNEXPECTEDLY sold today and I have a fist full of dollars!!!!

So we are both starting off the new year with a HAPPY DANCE!!!!!

I’m gonna get some new video CCTV cameras!!!! Whoopie!!!!

To all my LF friends…..here is a New Years wish for you all!
Take care, continue to learn and grow, live with an awareness……and conquer your fears!
DO IT!

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:
1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. ”“ Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2.Stop running from your problems. ”“ Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living ”“ to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3.Stop lying to yourself. ”“ You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

4.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. ”“ The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5.Stop trying to be someone you’re not. ”“ One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6.Stop trying to hold onto the past. ”“ You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7.Stop being scared to make a mistake. ”“ Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8.Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. ”“ We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9.Stop trying to buy happiness. ”“ Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free ”“ love, laughter and working on our passions.

10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. ”“ If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

11.Stop being idle. ”“ Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. ”“ Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13.Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. ”“ Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen ”“ in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. ”“ In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15.Stop trying to compete against everyone else. ”“ Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16.Stop being jealous of others. ”“ Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17.Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. ”“ Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason ”“ to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18.Stop holding grudges. ”“ Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer” let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19.Stop letting others bring you down to their level. ”“ Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20.Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. ”“ Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21.Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. ”“ The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22.Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. ”“ Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23.Stop trying to make things perfect. ”“ The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24.Stop following the path of least resistance. ”“ Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25.Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. ”“ It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either ”“ cry if you need to ”“ it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26.Stop blaming others for your troubles. ”“ The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility ”“ you give others power over that part of your life.

27.Stop trying to be everything to everyone. ”“ Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28.Stop worrying so much. ”“ Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29.Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. ”“ Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30.Stop being ungrateful. ”“ No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Happy New Year to the new you!
XXOO
EB

((((((((KATYDID))))))))))))
I am so very proud of you and your strength.
I wish you a New Year full of love, hope and happiness.

Blessings to you and may the Angels always walk with you.

Congratulations on your win: realizing your true value and worth. I am so very happy and excited for you, Lady – it is all waiting for you to take hold and fly like the beautiful butterfly you surely are.

8 months NC over here, at the strike of midnight!!!!
It keeps trying and I keep ignoring. There is no coming back anymore. I am teaching my heart to ignore IT now. It has been neutralized by the Graces of the Angels…

Much love, with prayers, always,

Dupey

ErinBrock, my dear dear friend! Thank you for this post, it is GREAT!!!! Every word of it is true, and every word is what I strive to do (but clearly don’t accomplish it all!)

Your wise counsel has helped me through some rough spots these last couple of years and I just want to say thank you to you and the other folks here on LF that have “been there” for me when things got rough!

To everyone here on LF at the start of a NEW YEAR, we have another opportunity to make this a better year than the last one!

Oh Oxy…..it’s about holding each others hands and helping each other through the puddles of life.
That’s what LF is all about.
You’ve given me more than you can imagine. LF has been a lifesaver and I contribute my current success and happiness to those here who have held my hand, wiped my tears, slapped me upside the head when I needed it, inspired me, made me laugh when life was dark, dark…..and danced with me under the full moons.
My gratitude to you and all our LF friends aswell my darlin.
It’s so good to be standing on such solid ground these days.
Look how far we’ve come……..IT DOES GET BETTER!
Happy New Years.
XXOO

EB
SO glad to read your post tonight. You are one of my wisest councelors. I got my adament on and doggedly pursued, even when my husband threw block after block. I adamently pushed my attorney to file papers when she lost her steam. I adamently obtained evidence even when I was told I didn’t NEED it, I adamently said NEVERTHELESS, please send.

You see. I didn’t JUST pursue my divorce, I pursued gathering the evidence of fraud, where should someone in my future, decide to hold ME accountable for what My husband did, I can Prove that not only was I unaware, but that THEY manipulated to keep in uninformed… that they also, in alliance with my husband, were part of perpetrating fraud against me…

It’s not perfect but it is a strong defense against future blame. Hard to sue me when they themselves conspired to restrict my knowledge b/c they knew I’d take action if I became aware of certain behaviors.

MY strategy came from YOU as my ADAMENT mentor, EB. I claimed TOWANDA so many times. You have no idea how complex and manipulative this divorce was. In the last months, even my attorney was working for my HUSBAND’s benefit. But I kept her b/c to change was to start all over again. So I just thought of you and got on my ADAMENT, telling her what I wanted and to do NOTHING more than what I instructed. Even when final papers were all submitted to the judge in Nov., I knew that it was ALL up to the MOOD of the judge, so I kept my beak shut, hoping the benign way I wrote my requests would carry through. Have to admit, I hoped the holidays were distracting and he wouldn’t actually read the papers, he’d just sign them… which is what appears to have happened. All the end of year rush of unfinished legal filings… I was just one case and not important at all. SO I got my judgment on the FIRST submission! How’s that for EB’n strategy!

I LOVE that my EX husband thinks he’s won b/c I lead him to believe something else was what I wanted… which b/c he is a JERK, he BLOCKED but that block allowed me to be granted what I really wanted all along. 🙂

I did NOT become LIKE him to get free of him (VERY imporant to me to NOT BE LIKE THEM) but I did USE the KNOWLEDGE gained on LF of my husband’s character to stop the power of his manipulations. It was the realization that he was SPATH that unlocked the key to predicting him. And with predictions, I could find a solution around his manipulations of others.

SO MANY others on this site wrote of their anguish and discoveries. You’d think the world revolved around me b/c almost everything someone else said, I claimed for myself! ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO!! I am the BIG ME TOO! All those ME TOO’s affirmed for me that I was not making up or imagining what was being done to me. I was NOT CRAZY.

I feel like I’ve won the big chess game against a master and actually I have. My husband is the most skilled, most manipulative, most game playing covert EVIL bully I have ever run into. He makes attorneys look like schoolboys. I WON my divorce b/c I followed EB’s example.

ALL MY BEST,
Katy DID IT!!!!

For those in the UK, esp up North in Scotland,

SLAINTE MHATH!

(Katy upends her Edinburgh Crystal shot glass of Glayva.)

Dear Katy,
Thank u for posting your message here. I hadn’t read the original post until tonight. Woweeeeee don’t you just love the reply from khatalyst?

Sorry to be so obvious but can’t wait for the next chapter….

What Katydidnext???

Lol x

Katy Did Next…
am waiting for my friend to show up. am going to a New Years Party. have not been to one since I started dating my husband all those years ago. he looked down on those who drank and such parties… although these last years, he’s a bar fly, hanging out at casinos, hedonist, skinnydipping with EVERY woman but me. Gotta hand it tohim, he’s still not a drinker… but HE’s the NIGHTMARE of my PAST!

Tonight, I welcome the NEW YEAR, and a NEW beginning, with friends and with love and regard. I WILL pursue QUALITY in my life, and Connection to my soul. It’s prime rib and big band dancing. Tomorrow is brunch and afternoon sports/bbq.

Katy. taking another sip of Glayva, listening to cd of celtic band, Seven Nations.

Yum glayva!

My ex hated having fun too. What a miserable bas**rd. Enjoy K!

These are my new year’s wishes for everyone:

“I wish everyone a beginning of the new year with warm company, a peaceful and healthy year to build on your dreams, whether a job, studies, a family, or an adventure somewhere in the world… An enjoyable 2012!!”

I’ve never been so happy the year 2011 is over and done with. Good riddance with 2011. Though I didn’t check my ex spaths profile anymore, but by accident sometimes came across a rare wall comment of his with ‘mutual’ friends, I totally blocked him in my facebook profile 2 days ago. Once I had done that, I tried a search on him just t check, and it’s as if he truly does not exist anymore: no profile to be found, no stray comments to read anymore. He’s totally gone now from my vision, not even a ghost anymore.

As for 2012 and my above wishes, I told my best friend when I gave him his 3 kisses… “This is how it WILL be.” (and no discussion about it :-p )

Katysuredid!
It makes my journey all the more worthwhile to know I could help another. I am humbled by your words.
Thank you!
What a way to end 2011.
I like Katydoesnext…….a new name maybe?
Keep the adamant! 🙂
XXOO
EB

Katydid! Congratulations! And celebrations! Congratulations! And jubilations! I want the world to know you are as happy as can be!

TOWANDA for Katydid! As I said to my best friend, 2012 WILL be a good year. Yours already started out great!

Katy, I am so proud of you! Proud FOR you as well! You’ve come a LONNNNNNG WAY BABY! This next year is going to be a great one for all of us because we are going to MAKE IT GREAT!!!!

Son D came home with the “crud” so our weekend out was canceled, but it so happened that BECAUSE we were home we received a call that sold a piece of equipment I had been trying to sell and infused my pocket with some much appreciated money!!!

So I’m just happy dancing all over the place in my jammies (son D got me the softest silk sweater for Xmas and though it isn’t really a “jammie” type sweater, I am wearing it as a jammie because it is so cuddly warm to sleep in) it also makes a nice “happy dance” ensemble as well.

I hope you enjoy your party Katy, I am with you in spirit and so happy for you that you are now a FREE WOMAN, no longer as the Bible says, “unequally yoked.” Congratulations, salutations and a BIGGGGG TOWANDA!!!!

Hallelujah! This day and this moment marks 8 months NC from me although “IT” has tried numerous times to barge in….

I have held steadfast and have meant exactly every word I have said. I have proven whom is the strongest and “IT” should heed my warnings now.

THIS is a NEW YEAR as well as 8 months, to the day, that I have uttered one peep to “IT” and I never will again, as long as I live, unless through lawyers and/or law enforcement.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND NEW LIFE EVERYONE…
I am infused and permeated with inspiration which is something I haven’t seen in a while, however tiny that flame is inside me, the New Year holds much anticipation for a new beginning….

*HUGS*

Happy New Year to all…

and thank you for being here 🙂

All he best to everyone in 2012 from Scotland. Esp to my companion in healing who I THINK is from down South.

MY ex hated fun too and I used to say that he liked to wipe the smile from my face. He too has become a bar fly even though he doesn’t drink much. Too much like loss of control for him.

But I am sweet. I am having a big New Years dinner with my family and the people in my life that is important to me. Him–nursing perhaps a hangover and spending the day with his miserable old mum who he lives with. No comparison.

I like you Oxy–I danced about in supersoft jammies that daughter D bought me for Christmas. Felt great.

Over the last four years my mantra has changed from ‘I’m too broken’ to ‘I will heal’.
xxx

Wishing everyone at LF a healthy and peace filled new year. Oxy, you are the rock and I am so grateful to know you are always here. Hens, you are so loved and appreciated for making me laugh, even when I thought I didn’t have a giggle left in me. Erin Brock, what an inspiration to all. Skylar, your never ending quest for the ‘whys’ has given me so many ah ha moments. Katy, you did it! I am watching the first sunrise of 2012 filled with the hope you inspire in me. Super Duper, hugs and much love and thank you for sharing your nc milestones. Littlewhitehorse, so glad you are here.
When I find myself in this particular state of mind, my communication skills are zip, just trying to get to the next thought. You all inspire! I can make it. I am a survivor. Shalom

Shalom

Hear hear. You said it all.

xxx

Thanks, Guys!!!! Just got up, slept later than usual and took the luxury of just lying there warm and cozy in my bed! The sun is shining and it is gonna be 60 degrees + today! UNUSUAL for this time of year here, but supposed to cool off later in the week.

I put on my favorite Bluegrass album by Doc Watson and his “chicken stomping” banjo and guitar music is playing and it makes me want to “wiggle” in time to the music. Cuppa great coffee! What a wonderful day!

Well, I wish every one of you clean water to drink, enough clothes to keep you warm, a bed to lay your head in, good health, enough (but not too much) food, and someone to love and someone to love you back, I wish you laughter, and the capacity to feel sad when it is called for, a reason to get up in the morning, and peaceful sleep at night free of fear! God bless you all and thank you for being here at LoveFraud, this is a group project!!!!! (((hugs))))

I think I’ve made a discovery…like many of you, my H does not know how to have fun either!

What gives?…I have not had fun in decades…since being with him. Even fun things aren’t very enjoyable because everything must run on his time schedule and according to his “knowledge”.

He can’t pronounce most words properly…acts like everyone else has it wrong. Going to a museum is awful when the person you’re with insists that certain art works are not what you believe (even if you’re 100% correct). And, don’t spend too much time looking at something if he isn’t interested…he’ll either drag you away or act in ways to let you know that you are interfering with the plans he made (out of the goodness of his heart) to show you a good time…lol!

Mine can’t walk, dance, ride a bike, or horse around because of an old ankle injury (that allows other things)

IMconfused,
I think I figured it out. They pretend to have fun in the beginning, but then suddenly, they can’t or won’t have fun. Mine was like that. But the truth is they just can’t stand to see US have fun, so they have to be a bummer when they are around US. It’s envy. They envy everything about us, even our good humor.

I remember one day we were walking down the street and I was in such a good mood, I said, “people shouldn’t walk down the street, we should DANCE down the street! Don’t you agree?”

“No” he replied.

There is no way to pull them out of their negativity. They are a vacuum that pulls the joy out of our lives.

Sky
I guess we both agree…they’re joy suckers!
Why did we fall for joy robbers? I knew mine had problems having fun…but he said that he was going through cancer treatment at the time…and I guess I felt sorry for him!

Poor baby…I was willing to accept less than I would have if I would have under “normal” circumstances…how incredible that I fell for his pathetic stories.

I settled for a life without fun…a relationship that really wasn’t about sharing anything other than catering to his sick persona…however, WE BOTH LOVED HIM! We always have had that going for “us”.

Arrrgh!…it’s 2012…my resolution…it’s time to make having fun a priority!

I awoke this morning with a certain kind of flickering of anticipation that I haven’t felt in a long time. Today is so very important to me for so many reasons.

TODAY (this very day) earmarks 8 months that I have spoken a word to it at all – it is also the very first day of a brand new year and a brand new opportunity to completely heal.

A year ago today, I promised myself and the ex wife, out of respect, that there would NEVER be another New Year that comes that I will continue living in the deceptions, lies and manipulations. When it comes down to death threats and a person trying to intentionally do dreadful things to you, it is impossible to continue allowing that person to be a part of your ‘landscape’ because you never know when making love would turn into you being gutted and left for dead and actually being told these things. Imagine this.

My experiences as I have relayed to all of you merely skims the surface of the ugliness my eyes have witnessed. When I had that last heart attack (first one) that almost took my life, I was given a new chance and a new beginning. I have had to fight for my life and I am not throwing it in the trash for trash itself. Not anymore.

I think that today is a wonderful breath of fresh air and I am becoming inspired in personal strength and finding some direction. For once MY LIFE is becoming about “ME” and not about “IT”.

Oh yes, their negativity can suck the air out of a room.
I can’t imagine actually LIVING WITH IT 24/7 on a daily basis. I think that is why I always seemed to keep “IT” at arms length…when “IT” walked into the room, a dark cloud always came with “IT” and I could suddenly not breathe. To feel like that in your own home and own environment: so muddled and stifled and used and abused, it’s not human, I tell you….

Well, I seem to be ranting again. Dog gone it.
Just wanted to stop by and tell you what a tremendous rock has been lifted off my head this morning…time for breakfast, I would say…sure wish I had a mamosa this morning. 😉

Happy New Day and New Year Everyone…

~~**DUPEY**~~

Imconfused,
was that real cancer or pretend cancer?

My exspath had me crying for days because he told me he thought he had stomach cancer, but wouldn’t see the doctor.

He actually did have stomach pain and severe heartburn but he milked it for all the sympathy he could get from me. It didn’t matter to him that I was in emotional pain from his pity ploy, it only mattered that he got the maximum attention and sympathy.

This brings up an interesting dichotomy which could be called an exercise in semantics – except that it’s at the crux of how spaths think: Some people say they do what they do because they don’t care if they hurt us. Others have noted that they care very much about hurting us – the more, the better. So which is it? Ironically, it’s both at the same time.

They revel in the power trip that they get from manipulating our emotions, so that causing us pain is a power trip and the more we express pain, the happier it makes them. So they really do care that they cause us the maximum pain possible. At the same time, they feel no empathy for us, because it’s ALL ABOUT THEM. So they don’t care or feel badly about our pain, anymore than we feel badly for burning wood in the fireplace – the hotter, the better because we get the heat we wanted. We are like objects to them, to be used for their pleasure and their greatest pleasure is the greatest expression of our pain.

Dear Dupey,

Great to hear you woke all refreshed to a new year and a new beginning.
You are an inspiration to me. Your words stopped me from replying to my ex. Without those words I would have been tempted to break NC. You gave me that strength that I needed to say no!

All that evil and you turn that into kindness and compassion for a fellow sufferer/sufferers. Thanks friend.

Ps….whats a mamosa?

Imconfused and skylar,

I remember singing in the kitchen and he told me to shut up and what did I have to be so happy for?

Ha! On reflection not a lot. You know this idiot was younger than me but he was a joyless old git. It was very bizarre…. Very patriarchal, disapproving. OLD and miserable.

I’m getting back to my former self and I’m not apologising or changing for anyone again!

Sky, I seriously doubt that the cancer was real, but don’t know. The main thing is that I can not find any evidence. By evidence I mean that I see no tax information on past IRS tax forms to indicate that there were any medical deductions. He would have taken every deduction available, but 24 years ago the deductions were not as clearly indicated as they are today.

One thing though, he likes to keep information (trophies?) about everything he does…sort of a history of his conquests and achievements. I think battling cancer…and winning…should have produced papers for him to save, but I haven’t seen any.

I know that he said the cancer returned in 1997, but after catching him cheating, he never did go to another state for treatment (I was not supposed to go with him because Sloan Kettering was in a bad area where I could be mugged, or worse…lol!)…God must have caused a miracle because he hasn’t mentioned or gone for cancer treatment since then.

Cancer is an awesome excuse…he was not responsible for his behavior and could go away with only 1-2 days notice for special treatments whenever he was told that the disease seemed to be getting worse. Plus…I’d have to be a really nasty spouse to question his trips after I had been informed that he was fighting for his life! With cancer he established the ability to do as he pleased while making me feel badly for him! Wow! Was I ever duped!

I’m still married, but my brain is elsewhere.

(((strongawoman))) Thank you for saying I am an inspiration to you.

Hearing that somehow makes all the torment seem to be a ‘little’ worth it somehow. 🙂

Actually, the correct spelling is mimosa. It is a drink that is made with champagne and orange juice. Delightful! Yummy too!

I am so happy my words gave you pause in contacting your ex. Once you go back (and I had done so sooooo many times) all you are doing is weakening your self worth and giving in to them. The only way to break free is to stop participating. I know it’s difficult but it’s necessary. You have to mean what you say and say only that which you mean and then be prepared to stand behind it.

They use our caring and our conscious against us to have their way and they find it amusing. Truly.

Yes, I have seen a lot of evil and if one word I say can help or prevent another person from living through what I have been through, it is so worth it. I think the one thing that most of us want is to be heard, understood and validated. That is so important, just to be heard and understood.

I DO understand…people here on LF have listened to me before and validated me – helped ‘ground’ me with truth and reality. It isn’t easy accepting the fact that the person we once loved is not the person we thought they were. They were pretending and faking because we had something they wanted and no other reason. Sure, we want to believe it is love and care on their behalf…it is only an illusion and a lie and the sooner we wrestle with that truth, the better off we will be in the long run.

Thanks (strongawoman) I wish you joy and hugs in your life.
Thank YOU for hugging back…

Happy New Year Dear…

Dupey

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