Be wild at heart after the sociopath is gone

Finding what we lost after coming out from the turmoil of a relationship with a sociopath can be daunting. Healing from these encounters takes time. Yet, we have a tendency to believe we should be able to get over it, be done, and finished with the hurting within a pre-determined schedule carefully marked on the calendar page. As if healing from an emotional rape has a timeline and can be accomplished by following the direct line from A to Z.

There is no alphabet encoded path to healing from these encounters. No step by step process that states do this and in 23 days you will be healed.

I used to hate the word, ‘organic’. As in, the process is organic. Since getting free from his abuse, I’ve learned to love it. Healing from abuse, any kind of abuse, is an organic process. It begins within me. It moves within me. It changes within me so that outside I can live the life I’ve always dreamed. The life I deserve.

One of the most difficult aspects of healing that I have encountered with many many people is embracing the belief, I deserve to heal.

So often, abuse leaves a trail of shame and self-blame. Like Hansel and Gretel looking for a way back through the forest, the abused drop grains of self-respect along the path leading to their abuser. Caught amidst the deceitful web the abuser must weave to keep the victim trapped within their embrace, the seeds marking the path back to self lie like fallow fields of grain, never to be reseeded as they get picked over by the carrion hovering above the dark cloud of the victim’s existence.

To heal, I had to believe I was worthy, deserving, able to heal. I had to choose to believe I could heal.

That’s hard.

The wounds inflicted by an abuser run deep. They run wide. They run wild within our psyches. Choosing to believe I could heal was the first step to healing.

Taking action that supported me in healing was the next step. That included writing, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, loving self-care. I had to take positive actions that affirmed my belief I could heal. It was up to me.

One of my mantras in healing became, “Never say never.”

It is often instinctual to say, “I will never …. Heal. I will never trust another human being. I will never love again,” after an encounter with an abuser.

Truth is, we have no idea what the future holds in store. All we can do is our very best today. All we can do is be true to ourselves in this moment so that the next is a continuation of our very best.

When I say, “I will never trust again,” I am saying, “I choose to set myself up today so that I will not be trusting, or trustworthy in the future.”

When I say, “I will never love again,” I am saying, “I am terrified the past will repeat itself. I will avoid at all costs loving anyone — and that includes myself, because love hurts and I don’t want to hurt like this again.”

Saying ‘never’ is lethal in healing. Never is the dam holding us back from claiming our right to live the life of our dreams.

There is no straight line in healing. There is only the choice to do what is loving, caring, healing — or not. The path to well-being is winding and circuitous. Four+ years after that encounter, I still find corners of unease — not because of him, but rather because the tapes in my head fire off messages that undermine me, disturb my peace of mind, unsettle my well-being.

Those tapes were there before I met him. Some things haven’t changed! What has changed however is my awareness of them and my ability to navigate rough waters, to walk through rocky terrain, to be determined and convinced of my right to live my most beautiful life today.

I can’t unwind the tapes from the past. I can limit their playing continuously in my head today by living free of the belief I don’t deserve to heal, I don’t deserve a life of joy.

Truth is, I absolutely do deserve a life of joy and wonder. We all do.

It’s up to me to live it up and be magnificent! This is my one wild precious life. To live on purpose. With purpose. This is my one wild precious moment be be the star of my creation, shining light on the path of my healing. To map the wild and unexplored territory of my heart. To discover the hidden treasures within me as I explore life beyond the boundaires of my imagination. Passionate and free, I become the wild one, the fearless inspiration of my own design to become all that I am meant to be.

For each of us, this is our one and only life. May we all live it with fearless abandon, being the awesome human beings we saw ourselves to be when first we touched the fiery breath of their assertions that we are magnificent. We are. It was they who were blind. In healing, do not let the burning pain of his abuse destroy the truth — You are magnificent. An awesome human being on the journey of her lifetime. Life it up!

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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47 Comments on "Be wild at heart after the sociopath is gone"

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Sky, I seriously doubt that the cancer was real, but don’t know. The main thing is that I can not find any evidence. By evidence I mean that I see no tax information on past IRS tax forms to indicate that there were any medical deductions. He would have taken every deduction available, but 24 years ago the deductions were not as clearly indicated as they are today.

One thing though, he likes to keep information (trophies?) about everything he does…sort of a history of his conquests and achievements. I think battling cancer…and winning…should have produced papers for him to save, but I haven’t seen any.

I know that he said the cancer returned in 1997, but after catching him cheating, he never did go to another state for treatment (I was not supposed to go with him because Sloan Kettering was in a bad area where I could be mugged, or worse…lol!)…God must have caused a miracle because he hasn’t mentioned or gone for cancer treatment since then.

Cancer is an awesome excuse…he was not responsible for his behavior and could go away with only 1-2 days notice for special treatments whenever he was told that the disease seemed to be getting worse. Plus…I’d have to be a really nasty spouse to question his trips after I had been informed that he was fighting for his life! With cancer he established the ability to do as he pleased while making me feel badly for him! Wow! Was I ever duped!

I’m still married, but my brain is elsewhere.

(((strongawoman))) Thank you for saying I am an inspiration to you.

Hearing that somehow makes all the torment seem to be a ‘little’ worth it somehow. 🙂

Actually, the correct spelling is mimosa. It is a drink that is made with champagne and orange juice. Delightful! Yummy too!

I am so happy my words gave you pause in contacting your ex. Once you go back (and I had done so sooooo many times) all you are doing is weakening your self worth and giving in to them. The only way to break free is to stop participating. I know it’s difficult but it’s necessary. You have to mean what you say and say only that which you mean and then be prepared to stand behind it.

They use our caring and our conscious against us to have their way and they find it amusing. Truly.

Yes, I have seen a lot of evil and if one word I say can help or prevent another person from living through what I have been through, it is so worth it. I think the one thing that most of us want is to be heard, understood and validated. That is so important, just to be heard and understood.

I DO understand…people here on LF have listened to me before and validated me – helped ‘ground’ me with truth and reality. It isn’t easy accepting the fact that the person we once loved is not the person we thought they were. They were pretending and faking because we had something they wanted and no other reason. Sure, we want to believe it is love and care on their behalf…it is only an illusion and a lie and the sooner we wrestle with that truth, the better off we will be in the long run.

Thanks (strongawoman) I wish you joy and hugs in your life.
Thank YOU for hugging back…

Happy New Year Dear…


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