Finding what we lost after coming out from the turmoil of a relationship with a sociopath can be daunting. Healing from these encounters takes time. Yet, we have a tendency to believe we should be able to get over it, be done, and finished with the hurting within a pre-determined schedule carefully marked on the calendar page. As if healing from an emotional rape has a timeline and can be accomplished by following the direct line from A to Z.
There is no alphabet encoded path to healing from these encounters. No step by step process that states do this and in 23 days you will be healed.
I used to hate the word, ‘organic’. As in, the process is organic. Since getting free from his abuse, I’ve learned to love it. Healing from abuse, any kind of abuse, is an organic process. It begins within me. It moves within me. It changes within me so that outside I can live the life I’ve always dreamed. The life I deserve.
One of the most difficult aspects of healing that I have encountered with many many people is embracing the belief, I deserve to heal.
So often, abuse leaves a trail of shame and self-blame. Like Hansel and Gretel looking for a way back through the forest, the abused drop grains of self-respect along the path leading to their abuser. Caught amidst the deceitful web the abuser must weave to keep the victim trapped within their embrace, the seeds marking the path back to self lie like fallow fields of grain, never to be reseeded as they get picked over by the carrion hovering above the dark cloud of the victim’s existence.
To heal, I had to believe I was worthy, deserving, able to heal. I had to choose to believe I could heal.
That’s hard.
The wounds inflicted by an abuser run deep. They run wide. They run wild within our psyches. Choosing to believe I could heal was the first step to healing.
Taking action that supported me in healing was the next step. That included writing, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, loving self-care. I had to take positive actions that affirmed my belief I could heal. It was up to me.
One of my mantras in healing became, “Never say never.”
It is often instinctual to say, “I will never …. Heal. I will never trust another human being. I will never love again,” after an encounter with an abuser.
Truth is, we have no idea what the future holds in store. All we can do is our very best today. All we can do is be true to ourselves in this moment so that the next is a continuation of our very best.
When I say, “I will never trust again,” I am saying, “I choose to set myself up today so that I will not be trusting, or trustworthy in the future.”
When I say, “I will never love again,” I am saying, “I am terrified the past will repeat itself. I will avoid at all costs loving anyone — and that includes myself, because love hurts and I don’t want to hurt like this again.”
Saying ‘never’ is lethal in healing. Never is the dam holding us back from claiming our right to live the life of our dreams.
There is no straight line in healing. There is only the choice to do what is loving, caring, healing — or not. The path to well-being is winding and circuitous. Four+ years after that encounter, I still find corners of unease — not because of him, but rather because the tapes in my head fire off messages that undermine me, disturb my peace of mind, unsettle my well-being.
Those tapes were there before I met him. Some things haven’t changed! What has changed however is my awareness of them and my ability to navigate rough waters, to walk through rocky terrain, to be determined and convinced of my right to live my most beautiful life today.
I can’t unwind the tapes from the past. I can limit their playing continuously in my head today by living free of the belief I don’t deserve to heal, I don’t deserve a life of joy.
Truth is, I absolutely do deserve a life of joy and wonder. We all do.
It’s up to me to live it up and be magnificent! This is my one wild precious life. To live on purpose. With purpose. This is my one wild precious moment be be the star of my creation, shining light on the path of my healing. To map the wild and unexplored territory of my heart. To discover the hidden treasures within me as I explore life beyond the boundaires of my imagination. Passionate and free, I become the wild one, the fearless inspiration of my own design to become all that I am meant to be.
For each of us, this is our one and only life. May we all live it with fearless abandon, being the awesome human beings we saw ourselves to be when first we touched the fiery breath of their assertions that we are magnificent. We are. It was they who were blind. In healing, do not let the burning pain of his abuse destroy the truth — You are magnificent. An awesome human being on the journey of her lifetime. Life it up!
Dear sstiles54,
I am sorry for your pain and your sorrow.
I too felt that desire to simply sleep and sleep and sleep. I wanted to fall into an ocean of sleep, to drift away upon the waves washing over me and never awaken.
STOP. Breathe. Keep breathing.
It is good that you have acknowledged your desire to sleep. Can you now move beyond it to acknowledging that the need to sleep is the part of him that has stayed connected to you and is holding you down?
One of the things I did in my first weeks of healing was to make a commitment to do one thing every day that was a healing step. Even if it was as simple as, go for a walk for 15 minutes. I was fortunate, I had my dog who had to be walked every day — she kept me getting up and out. I also made a pact with myself that I would take a ‘pity break’ only once every hour on the hour for ten minutes. If at any time during that hour I felt the ennui washing over me, I reminded myself — Stop. I made a pact. This is not my crying time. I have to keep focused on loving thoughts for another X minutes until the hour. Then I can cry for 10 minutes. Every few days, I’d lengthen the time before my ‘pity break’ until I eventually only took one a day, then one every two days and then gradually, I found myself not needing to even schedule the breaks. Learning to keep healthy commitments with myself was essential to my healing. I had broken so many commitments I’d made to me while with him, I had to re-teach myself how to keep my own commitments.
Alohatraveler has great advice — the YWCA is a good source. And volunteering is an awesome way to start getting back your sense of purpose through giving back to others in need.
And sstiles, you deserve to live. To be free. To breathe without fear. You deserve to let go of the sorrow that enshrouds you. Please, love yourself, treat yourself with tender loving care. Tell yourself, I deserve to live. I choose to live. And then do the things that affirm your choice. Be committed to loving yourself enough you can turn away from the craving that tells you his painful attention is better than none. It’s not true. It’s part of his lie. The truth is, you deserve to live in the light of love.
You deserve to be free.
ML
To sstiles54 (and holehearted who sounded so low the other day):
This site has helped me so much to see that I am not alone and there is no shame in having really tried to love someone – we all just picked the wrong ‘someone’! But the real lie is to think we’re not worthy of love, and even if like holehearted, we look at ourselves and see where we have not been perfect in our behavior or thoughts towards others, that’s okay-we can learn, make amends if possible and choose to change. I’ve felt that lately and had suicidal thoughts and yet even a day or week later reallzed those are just thoughts, only thoughts and we are capable of changing those, or at least being a spectator to them and saying, these thoughts suck but they mean I’m going through this beginning phase of healing from something that has been thorougly traumatic! TRAUMATIC.
But I also realized why should I be a victim to myself – shall we replace that bad attention with bad attention from ourselves? I’ve always been a bit of a loner and a woman friend called me to let me know of an event
where there would be great musicians – I finally felt like being social and
went and had a great time – someone asked for my phone number and
we’ll see how that plays out, I have no expectations. It was so great to
dance, dance, DANCE…and I need more of that – and other smiling faces. So I’m going to dance and take bubble baths and fix myself nice
breakfasts and like ML said, take walks – anything physical gets your
endorphins (your mojo) workin’ again!
I still miss my man and he may call next week = who knows. I know I’m better though as I’ve started to mix in reading novels and something
other than self-help. A subscription to Science of Mind (you can google
Ernest Holmes) magazine is uplifting. And a great book a friend told me
about is Eat, Pray, Love by Elisabeth Gilbert – it’s a story of a successful real-life writer’s own bout with the aftermath of an ugly divorce and the really difficult next relationship with a man she knew
she had to exit – as she said, the second man “was both catnip and
Kryptonite to me.” Her writing is so great – you’ll know she’s another
kindred spirit to us all and went to her own depths before embracing life
on her own terms.
Good luck, keep the faith and thanks for everyone sharing here.
To sstiles54, I feel your pain too. I only ever had negative attention from my husband, unless the calendar called for something different, that when I met a man who wanted us to be friends, I grabbed it. It turned out that he just wanted to use me, but I, too, took his negative attention, because it was something. I was going through the empty nest syndrome and all my world that was familiar to me, was suddenly gone. My husband had set me out to the curb and this friend was there. He knew my despair and used it all against me, to manipulate money from me, but wouldn’t give much of anything back, and I was so broken, I didn’t realize that all his attention, was just to get attention for himself.
I found through that whole process of not understanding, I would journal. It helped me so much to be able to just put on paper what I was thinking and feeling at the time. I found if I wrote it down, I didn’t have to carry it inside. It helped, too, in being able to look back and realize that I really was being used, and it brought the relationship into a perspective that I started to understand. I was able to compare and realize the things he did to me and how they would correspond with some reaction. I started to see him in a new light, and that’s when the light dawned, and knew he had taken major advantage of me.
He wanted to run in and out of my life, but didn’t want me in his. That’s because, as I found out through my own sleuthing, that he has lots to hide. I, too, just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. I missed my children so badly. My husband didn’t want me, and this man, who insisted we were friends, was just using me. It seems we all want to be loved as we love, but there are those who seek to gain someone’s love, only to use that for personal gain, then when they got what they wanted, we are left behind. We waited so long for our turn, that we realize it was never in the works. It’s like staring into the darkness for so long that we think we finally see some light, but it’s just a figment of our imagination. I used to think I was way too sensitive and emotional, until I realized they had none. I’m thankful that I can at least feel. The ones I’ve been around have so much pride, they would never admit to anything real.
My thought was that the friend had given his love away at one time, and he didn’t get a return like he thought, and he was going to take from others and not give again. He has played with women’s hearts and plays sex games that leave a woman feeling rather frustrated, but he can go out and find anyone who will do what he wants. It’s just a game. Knowing that, is what helped me finally get over him. I finally woke up one day and said, I’ve had enough. He’s too void of feeling and I’m sick of this one sided friendship. It takes convincing and one day, you too will see that. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get him out of my head, but I started searching out sites such as this, to help explain the behavior of ones like him. It helped me learn about obsessive thinking. And we really can’t change someone. If they don’t want to contribute in a positive way, we either take what little they give and keep them around, or dump them and go it alone.
I’d rather have peace by myself than to constantly wonder who he’s with and why is he so secretive. That’s part of his game plan too. He likes the attention he gets, even if it’s negative. It’s all about him. No more.
This is one of the best threads I think on this site, it is so positive, and yet reminds us that there are people still in the newness and depths of pain as stiles was here.
I wept reading it, but tears of joy–and hope and promise.
To find joyfulness again – to be rid of the little creature of pain that climbs around inside all the time sounds so freeing and light. I guess its just time and patience with yourself that brings on the ability to be Wild at Heart again. I wish some days I could have a looking glass to see ahead that there is something good and wholesome waiting for me. I long for the day of a joyful heart again. Its been such a long road of worry and turmoil. The S – they do love the drama dont they. You are right – its attention they get, whether positive or negative – they will take all the energy from you they can possibly absorb. I guess we are all on a mission here, to recharge our own battery and blossom once again into the lovely women we are.
Today I AM FREE.
I haven’t said much about it b/c I needed to stay focused, to stay on task. So many times I have tried to pursue my divorce but I was in such emotional pain that even his normal shenanigans would send me into the depths of despair. I set the work aside time and time again. I couldn not stop crying enough to fill out paperwork as I realized, for example, all those times I was doing without, while he took the money to spend on other women and those he needed to impress, and all the times he withdrew sums from our business to set aside when he was divorced from me, so I would not have the assets to claim b/c HE had secreted them away for just HIM.
Finally I decided. Well. That’s the abyss. He is the abyss; the unending yawn of nothingness. And to cut myself free, I MUST stare into the abyss.
That is what I did, STARED unceasingly at the precipice of evil darkness. Will I fall and die in obscurity? Or banish the blackness? I did neither. The abyss is still there. I did not die (but I did get VERY sick.)
What I did instead was hitch my rope up and tied it fast to the hope and councel of this site and the wisdom of these good people here. And when I was nearly swept off, I found myself held alight with the words of so many angels as I have found here. Angels you must be, sent to save me from the stupidity of my choices, the gullibility of my weak nature, the vulnerability of my trusting heart.
As of today, My divorce is final. He is severed from me. As of today, I no longer worry what might delay or suspend the process. It happened, it finally happened. I am FREE. and 2012 will be MY YEAR to feed my soul and feel my spirit and feed my ability to LOVE and GIVE and APPRECIATE ALL that I have been blessed with by GOD.
I don’t have the words to express the joy in my heart, the feeling of optimism that I carry. Joy to the WORLD. I am FREE.
2012 is truly MY NEW YEAR. Happy New YEARS to you All. I wish you ALL the same feeling of joy that I carry inside tonight and like the article says, “A Brilliant Second Life.”
Katydid! You DID it girl. Good lass. Happy 2012. You’re so inspiring, gutsy and funny. You enjoy your freedom.
: )
Katy.
Good for you and congratulations! Give yourself permission to LIVE now! 2012……here comes KATY!!!!
XXOO
TOWANDA KATY!!!! YOU DID IT! Wonderful, I am doing a little happy dance for you!!!
December 31 must be under a “good star” because I also had a little happy thing happen. Something I have been trying to sell without much success UNEXPECTEDLY sold today and I have a fist full of dollars!!!!
So we are both starting off the new year with a HAPPY DANCE!!!!!
I’m gonna get some new video CCTV cameras!!!! Whoopie!!!!
To all my LF friends…..here is a New Years wish for you all!
Take care, continue to learn and grow, live with an awareness……and conquer your fears!
DO IT!
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/
As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. ”“ Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2.Stop running from your problems. ”“ Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living ”“ to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3.Stop lying to yourself. ”“ You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
4.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. ”“ The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5.Stop trying to be someone you’re not. ”“ One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6.Stop trying to hold onto the past. ”“ You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7.Stop being scared to make a mistake. ”“ Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8.Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. ”“ We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9.Stop trying to buy happiness. ”“ Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free ”“ love, laughter and working on our passions.
10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. ”“ If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11.Stop being idle. ”“ Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. ”“ Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13.Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. ”“ Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen ”“ in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. ”“ In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15.Stop trying to compete against everyone else. ”“ Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16.Stop being jealous of others. ”“ Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17.Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. ”“ Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason ”“ to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18.Stop holding grudges. ”“ Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer” let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19.Stop letting others bring you down to their level. ”“ Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20.Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. ”“ Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21.Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. ”“ The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22.Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. ”“ Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23.Stop trying to make things perfect. ”“ The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
24.Stop following the path of least resistance. ”“ Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25.Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. ”“ It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either ”“ cry if you need to ”“ it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26.Stop blaming others for your troubles. ”“ The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility ”“ you give others power over that part of your life.
27.Stop trying to be everything to everyone. ”“ Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28.Stop worrying so much. ”“ Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29.Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. ”“ Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30.Stop being ungrateful. ”“ No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
Happy New Year to the new you!
XXOO
EB