Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “miaxo.” Names have been changed.
Three years wasted. I met my ex 4 years ago. At a friend’s house. I wasn’t into him or attracted to him. But grew to be friends with him.
A year later I get a text from him saying he likes me and wants to take me on a date. I was so tired of dealing with disappointment after disappointment from the dating scene so I took his offer. He took me to the movies, was attentive and the night went well.
I texted him the next day to thank him for the date, and we texted non stop everyday. He was sweet, charming and gave me so much attention like I never got from a male before. He wanted to see me everyday and had me sleep over every night. The sex was passionate and would last for hours. I was on a cloud, on a high.
My friends told me we spent too much time together and it was unhealthy, but I didn’t want to listen. I got a call from him while he is at work, saying he is moving away 2 hours away.
I start to panic and he tells me to move with him. I didn’t even think about it; I just automatically said yes. I never moved far from my family. My family kept saying it was too soon, but I didn’t want to listen.
The day before we moved his family was having a dinner and his mom was talking bad about me in front of everyone. I got up and walked out and began to cry. The next day we moved and I felt devalued by his mother. No one defended me. It was the first sign of the roller coaster of emotions I was about to endure.
We moved in. Weeks later, he started pushing back emotionally, didn’t want to cuddle anymore. Claiming he’s not an affectionate person, but he was those first 4 months. Arguments became regular, cursing me out for hours. Throwing me out, then stopping me before I go became regular. I felt smaller and smaller each time.
One day we went grocery shopping and he kept texting his brother, telling me he’s going for lunch with his brother for his birthday and I can’t go. Lunch at the strip club. I told him how it made me feel and he said he didn’t care and if I broke up with him he doesn’t care either. I cried from 2 pm till 3 am waiting for him to return. He returns drunk and phoneless, claiming he lost his phone.
The fights got worse. He paid less and less attention to me. Two years I tried my hardest to make him happy. I found texts and Facebook messages and he always flipped the fight onto me. Everything in his life was my fault.
He broke up with me via social media to start dating someone else, then a month later she dumped him and he came running back, saying he missed me and couldn’t be without me.
But nothing added up, nothing made sense. I kept having this uncomfortable feeling and decided to hack his email. Everything came to light.
He had a lover for 10 years who been with him from relationship to relationship. He bought blow jobs on Craigslist and escorts. He had a fling with his ex before me for a month after he broke up with me — his ex that he used to badmouth.
When I confronted him and sent him the screenshots he denied it all. He never left. He would text me every day while on the hunt for someone, new constantly playing with my emotions and mind. I was a wreck. I felt mind f*cked.
He continued to have sex with me, claiming he loved me and didn’t want anyone else, but it didn’t feel right. Something didn’t feel right.
I go to check his Facebook and it says in a relationship with Abby. Who’s Abby? Where did she come from? While dating Abby, he continued to text me and come by for sex. I felt emptier and emptier each time. He kept lying and saying he loves me and needs me.
3 months into his relationship with her they got an apartment together, a new dog and he gave her my dog 🙁
Fast forward 7 months into their relationship. I get a call that he can’t see me anymore because he is engaged to her. My heart shattered.
3 years I gave this man. 3 years I tried my hardest and some girl who’s been around for 7 months gets what I wanted. I feel not good enough ….
For a sociopath, why lie when you can deflect, discredit and distract
miaxo – I am so sorry for your experience. Please understand that everything you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior. He intentionally tore you down.
You may feel “not good enough,” but I assure you, you deserve so much more than him. The guy is a nightmare, and the girl who is now engaged to him will, at some point, be treated exactly the way you have been treated.
I recommend that you count your blessings that you got away from him. In fact, now, make up your mind that you will have nothing to do with him ever again. Find your strength and go No Contact.
Also, let us all remember that we do not NEED to have a man in our lives to be happy.
Please say that to yourself until it is a mantra in your own consciousness.
It is really difficult to break free when you experienced the ‘nice’ man in the beginning of the relationship. It takes a long time to understand that the person you trusted and loved isn’t real. Betrayal is incredible painful.
His new thing isn’t getting anything worth having. She is a victim just like you. The way he treated you is the way he will treat everyone, because it’s about him, not you or his new thing. He mistreats others because that’s who he is. It has nothing to do with how good or not good his victims are. He’s a cheater and a pathological liar, and he does and says whatever he thinks will get him whatever he wants at any given time. He doesn’t bond with anyone.
It is very difficult, but if you can have absolutely no contact with him, you will feel better sooner and recover better.
Take care.
This word for word sounds like my ex. We were together for 10 yrs. However Ik he was a sociopath 1 year in. My mistake I didnt leave, I stuck around feeding into his lies and eventually marrying him. I hoped this would change things, that I was the special one. He led me to believe he was cheating and lying bc I made him feel insecure, though I was never sure how I made him feel insecure, I somehow always left the conversation feeling guilty for something I never did or agreeing to something I never really agreed with bc I felt bad I made him feel that way or questioning myself. I believed him every time he lied bc he was that convincing, however knowing the entire time in my heart and head something always felt off always hoping he would prove me wrong bc after all he choose to marry me not anyone else. After several more cheating episodes, which he blamed on me for “pushing” him to cheat by neglecting his sexual needs or bc I didnt give him enough attention, or went out with my friends… He pretty much used any excuse. He led me to believe if we had a baby things would change, he would be different but after 3 kids It didnt get any better. Infact it got worse, after I got pregnant with our 3rd (all planned) about 4 mnths into our pregnancy with our 3rd he decided he didnt want another baby (little did i know he met someone else) he told me to abort and that having a third child would take away from our other two and that if I had the baby it would ruin our marriage. I was taken back already having come so far I told him I was keeping the baby, the baby we had planned for and I asked him to be supoortive, he said he would try. He began insulting me daily, making me feel so guilty- always blaming anything on my pregnancy making me feel like some random girl he knocked up and not his wife who he planned a family with. I saw him less and less and would be home alone all day and night with kids almost daily. I ended up finding a second cell phone he was using to keep contact with all his mistresses one night. It included some Texts insulting me and him telling other women he loved them. When I confronted him he tried to tell me it was a co workers phone than he shifted into that he was scared to tell me bc he was afraid id leave him and that they were just wrds that he said that to string the girls along. I was crushed. He spent only 2 mins apologizing saying he loved me before becoming irrate over my crying and questions and than said he was leaving but it was my fault he tried to fix it. He left and i didnt hear a wrd from him for months, neither of us contacted the other. Mostly I didnt bc I was hoping he would call me and apologize and tell me how he made an aweful mistake and how I was his rock like he had always done but that call never came. A few months later he filed for custody of our kids, the kids he hardly spent anytime with and didnt contact for months. I was conpletely taken back. Fast forward a mnth I go to court me, after bad mouthing me to mediator and playing victim and pegging me as a spiteful ex that kept his kids ftom him, he walks out asks me to go to lunch and hits on me tells me he wants to be there for the birth of our 3rd child and tries sleeping with me. When the courts didnt give him what he wanted he wrked extra hard to manipulate me. He later stopped showing up for court and suggested I do too that we didnt need an order- thats funny bc he filed it..He later admitted to doing to spite me but still proclaimed he wanted to see his kids so he began showing up at my home weekly for “visitation” which basically he spent more time trying to have sex with me than spending with his kids. He started saying he loved me and wanted his family bk and how we should move into his place. Turns out he was still dating both girls from the infamous cell phone, one of which proclaimed he got preg (while im still preg) but forced her into terminating the preg. Shortly after the emails from other girls came rolling in, everyone with the same story line. Everytime id confront him he would lie and get mad at me for even questioning him, this of course led to him accusing me of some sort of wrong doing, or a this is why I left you. girls would tell me that he said he was using me to see the kids and how he hated me and how fat I wad and although Ik that not to be the case it still hurt. After having the baby he started his “this is why you shouldnt have aborted that baby when I told you to” during any arguement we had. I let him know that hurt me- he didnt care, he would saywell its true I warned you having this baby would ruin our marriage and than explain i needed to change if we were to fix it. Yet like clockwork every visitation he would try sleeping with me and saying he wanted us to move in and that he loved me. After months of these mind games, I finally filed for divorce bc I couldnt take the emotional distress lies manipulation etc. Our youngest is now 1 yr old. To this day he hardly sees the kids and doesnt really ask to oftern but has pictures plastered of them all over his house. Recently he tried sucking me in the same way your ex did to you. A week later I received an email from the same girl from the burner phone that led to our initiak split stating they were bk together and questioned why was I over his house so much and another from a seperate girl who claimed they were in a relationship and sent pics of the gifts he got her which were duplicates of the very same gifts he got me. He of course denied and claimed the girl was crazy and cant let go and he felt bad and the other one was some girl he dated for a week and they were just friends but is jealous This entire time he was continuing to beg me to move in and to drop the divorce. I let the divorce go through, he didnt show up. I have since cut ties its been 3 weeks and he is still with both girls. Neither knows about the other. I still have trouble processing why would he do this this to the mother of his children? The answer bc hes a sociopath and while Ik this I have a hard time processing and making sense if it all. So while its such a horrible experience I try to tell myself it could be wrse and in your case what you went through is horrific but it coukd always be wrse. be glad it didnt evolve into a life long commitment that likely would have been tremulous and an emotional rollercoaster ride . Im still trying to figure out how to navigate co parenting with someone who destroyed me mentally and emotionally. This word for word sounds like my ex. We were together for 10 yrs. However Ik he was a sociopath 1 year in. My mistake I didnt leave, I stuck around feeding into his lies and eventually marrying him. I hoped this would change things, that I was the special one. He led me to believe he was cheating and lying bc I made him feel insecure, though I was never sure how I made him feel insecure, I somehow always left the conversation feeling guilty for something I never did or agreeing to something I never really agreed with bc I felt bad I made him feel that way or questioning myself. I believed him every time he lied bc he was that convincing, however knowing the entire time in my heart and head something always felt off always hoping he would prove me wrong bc after all he choose to marry me not anyone else. After several more cheating episodes, which he blamed on me for “pushing” him to cheat by neglecting his sexual needs or bc I didnt give him enough attention, or went out with my friends… He pretty much used any excuse. He led me to believe if we had a baby things would change, he would be different but after 3 kids It didnt get any better. Infact it got worse, after I got pregnant with our 3rd (all planned) about 4 mnths into our pregnancy with our 3rd he decided he didnt want another baby (little did i know he met someone else) he told me to abort and that having a third child would take away from our other two and that if I had the baby it would ruin our marriage. I was taken back already having come so far I told him I was keeping the baby, the baby we had planned for and I asked him to be supoortive, he said he would try. He began insulting me daily, making me feel so guilty- always blaming anything on my pregnancy making me feel like some random girl he knocked up and not his wife who he planned a family with. I saw him less and less and would be home alone all day and night with kids almost daily. I ended up finding a second cell phone he was using to keep contact with all his mistresses one night. It included some Texts insulting me and him telling other women he loved them. When I confronted him he tried to tell me it was a co workers phone than he shifted into that he was scared to tell me bc he was afraid id leave him and that they were just wrds that he said that to string the girls along. I was crushed. He spent only 2 mins apologizing saying he loved me before becoming irrate over my crying and questions and than said he was leaving but it was my fault he tried to fix it. He left and i didnt hear a wrd from him for months, neither of us contacted the other. Mostly I didnt bc I was hoping he would call me and apologize and tell me how he made an aweful mistake and how I was his rock like he had always done but that call never came. A few months later he filed for custody of our kids, the kids he hardly spent anytime with and didnt contact for months. I was conpletely taken back. Fast forward a mnth I go to court me, after bad mouthing me to mediator and playing victim and pegging me as a spiteful ex that kept his kids ftom him, he walks out asks me to go to lunch and hits on me tells me he wants to be there for the birth of our 3rd child and tries sleeping with me. When the courts didnt give him what he wanted he wrked extra hard to manipulate me. He later stopped showing up for court and suggested I do too that we didnt need an order- thats funny bc he filed it..He later admitted to doing to spite me but still proclaimed he wanted to see his kids so he began showing up at my home weekly for “visitation” which basically he spent more time trying to have sex with me than spending with his kids. He started saying he loved me and wanted his family bk and how we should move into his place. Turns out he was still dating both girls from the infamous cell phone, one of which proclaimed he got preg (while im still preg) but forced her into terminating the preg. Shortly after the emails from other girls came rolling in, everyone with the same story line. Everytime id confront him he would lie and get mad at me for even questioning him, this of course led to him accusing me of some sort of wrong doing, or a this is why I left you. girls would tell me that he said he was using me to see the kids and how he hated me and how fat I wad and although Ik that not to be the case it still hurt. After having the baby he started his “this is why you shouldnt have aborted that baby when I told you to” during any arguement we had. I let him know that hurt me- he didnt care, he would saywell its true I warned you having this baby would ruin our marriage and than explain i needed to change if we were to fix it. Yet like clockwork every visitation he would try sleeping with me and saying he wanted us to move in and that he loved me. After months of these mind games, I finally filed for divorce bc I couldnt take the emotional distress lies manipulation etc. Our youngest is now 1 yr old. To this day he hardly sees the kids and doesnt really ask to oftern but has pictures plastered of them all over his house. Recently he tried sucking me in the same way your ex did to you. A week later I received an email from the same girl from the burner phone that led to our initiak split stating they were bk together and questioned why was I over his house so much and another from a seperate girl who claimed they were in a relationship and sent pics of the gifts he got her which were duplicates of the very same gifts he got me. He of course denied and claimed the girl was crazy and cant let go and he felt bad and the other one was some girl he dated for a week and they were just friends but is jealous This entire time he was continuing to beg me to move in and to drop the divorce. I let the divorce go through, he didnt show up. I have since cut ties its been 3 weeks and he is still with both girls. Neither knows about the other. I still have trouble processing why would he do this this to the mother of his children? The answer bc hes a sociopath and while Ik this I have a hard time processing and making sense if it all. So while its such a horrible experience for anyone to go through I try to tell myself it could be wrse and in your case be glad it didnt evolve into a life long commitment that likely wond have been tremulous. Im still trying to figure out how to navigate how to co parent with simeone who uses any instance of interation to manipulate me. Hope this helps hearing your not alone.