By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
Ox Drover, I agree with what you say. Our power and strength is often tested by adverse circumstances, and by becoming conscious of our limits. So many posts on lovefraud explain how psychopaths test our limits and push them gradually, so that we won’t realize it and assert ourselves. If a psychopath humiliates his target from the first date, she’s not likely to give him another chance. But their overt abuse usually begins after they hook us emotionally and it occurs gradually, interspersed with small rewards, so that we’ll be conditioned to behave like obedient animals rather than assert our independent will and affirm our human dignity. When we become aware of our boundaries, as you state, we also become aware of our strength and autonomy and rebel against the cumulative mistreatment.
Ahhhh…on the subject of gaslighting…
My exbf’s son was doing poorly in school which was very odd for him. Many changes had taken place like his mother getting married and having to share time/space with others. As an incentive for the child to brign up his grades, I suggested we plan a trip to the city and let the child know that we are going and as a reward for honor roll grades, he is invited too…
“so, we want to help you get motivated to earn better grades. We are goin to the city. We would like you to come with us, provided you pull your grades up.”
His son made the honor roll!!! We were planning a trip to the city!!! The weekend we were to go, I ask my ex (who was having money troubles) if he was gonna have money to go to the city. We typically BOTH contributed to trips like this and I knew he was low on funds. His reply…
“really? YOU are taking (his son) to the city and you’re asking if I have any money?”
“What do you mean, IM taking him to the city. Aren’t we all going…wasn’t that the deal?”
“NOOOOOO, you said YOU would be taking him to the city for a reward for good grades. Now hes earned them and you dont want to go?”
“I dont remember saying I was taking him anywhere. That doesnt even sound like something Id say.”
“Well, I told him YOU said YOU were taking him. I guess Ill have to tell him you said no.”
We have NEVER gone anywhere alone in the 4.5 years Ive known him and his dad. The problem I realized was the issue of money. You see, my ex had no money and he knew it. He couldnt really afford to pay for any portion of a trip to the city so he put it on ME. Interestingly, though, we ended up going to Michigan instead, to stay with his biological mother and aunt on a farm which costed us nothing. How’s that for skirting out on having to PAY for shit!
From about the beginning of December until he moved out, it was just so DAMNED obvious (to a degree) what his intentions were…to use me.
It was like he ‘stopped caring’ and rather than say he wanted to end the relationship, he somehow gave himself permission to act like a fool with NO limits on what he would say. A part of me thinks he wanted ME to throw him out although another part of me thinks he didnt want to leave BUT he didnt want me to live here either…he wanted ME to pay for HIM to live in MY house…
REALLY?
I struggle with feeling as though Im not accepting the fact that I got dumped…by him…again…
In my mind I know the words, in my heart I feel them. I THINK Im ok with accepting them, however there seems to be something I still need to hear, know, understand, whatever…
I am searching to understand somethign like a time line. HE sought me out after no contact for 5 months…6 months later he wasnt feeling really connected to me? We were in counseling and this wasn’t addressed. He moves in with me, reluctantly accordign to him, in December but asks me if I “realize what me buying this dog for you means?” That gave me the indication that HE was making a commitment…
January was a rough month for me with adjusting to all the newcomers moving in and my grandma dying. I was difficult to be around…I know.
By February he’s not attracted to, interestd in or feelign me anymore? He’s not in love with me? WHAT!
Awesome article, Oxy.
Thank you so much. This is where I’m at now. I was a baby cow and now I’m a yoked oxen that just needs to realize how strong I am.
Ironically, when I first realized that I had been the victim of a predatory creature, before I knew that it had a name, a picture came into my mind. It was a picture of me, as a cow, lackadaisically chewing grass for 25 years while my spath sharpened his butcher knives. Then the picture of the cow changed as her eyes opened wide in terror. Her brain had been switched to a human brain and it was ME stuck in a cow’s BODY. The idea just popped into my head just like that. I was a cow – still am if I don’t take back my power.
Thank you for this article Oxy.
I never took care of myself, not so sure I’m doing it now.
I have to concentrate on the good things I’m doing
and make it a habit to reward myself, even if it’s just with
good thoughts about myself.
Thank you for your continued encouragement,
I’ve learned a lot from you… about me.
Robxsykobabe (that’s quite a penname!) I think the behavior you’re describing is related to several patterns of psychopaths: 1) to juggle several women at the same time, and as they get bored of some girlfriends they periodically return to others (only to grow tired of them again); 2) the cruel catch-and-release games psychopaths play (they reel you in, then push you away, to feel in control); and 3) the fact his emotional abuse and sense of entitlement became increasingly flagrant has to do with the fact he was, once again, ready to leave you for awhile. When psychopaths want or need you, they betray you mostly behind your back. When they don’t need you anymore, they do it more to your face. Either way, however, they act against your interest and for theirs. The only way to end this painful cycle is to end the relationship for good.
Oxy,
Such a good article! A lot of it for me, unfortunately with regards to my spaths is merely hindsight. The rest can be applied to the present and the future. Now it’s about about the “What if” I have the strength, it’s about “now I do have it….so what to do now WITH IT to increase it and embrace it”.
Strength is another word for personal empowerment. Not giving your power away. Lots to chew on here.
Claudia, your site is so interesting. It’s taking awhile to get through it, but it’s really quite good. I’m also in agreement with you and your above post. You have a great way of putting this into laymen’s terms so that I can understand the machinations and dynamics much better from the perspective of someone in the early recovery stages.
Thanks again, Ox, for the article.
LL
Thank you guys, glad you enjoyed the article. You know I am learning more about my own strengths each day as well. Practicing makes it easier to do….just like my addiction to salt and nicotine is a day by day struggle…and for some reason lately I have been much more tempted by cigarettes than I was for quite some time. not sure why. I have not had my smoker friends stay away or not smoke around me either….because I am NOT going to pick one up and smoke it, I know that, just like I am NOT going to open my arms to P-son, I am not going to pick up a cigarette either, no matter how tempted I am and life is going to go on, there will be people smoking around me unless I live in a hole in the ground deeper than the one I live in now. LOL So it is up to ME to control MY BEHAVIOR.
Oh, just interesting thing happened today. Got an e mail from egg donor telling me that she had been going through a closet at her house and found a portrait drawing she thought had been DONE BY P-son (actually it was DONE by one of his friends) that he had sent of my step dad and one of my husband and she wanted to know if I wanted the one of my husband. The drawings were post marked in Dec 2007 which was during the time that my egg donor was not talking to P son, which was in Dec after the Trojan Horse Psychopath and my DIL had been arrested in AUGUST 2007 for trying to kill son C. I was having little contact with egg donor at that time as well and NO contact with P son. I am sure he commissioned these drawings from some of his buddies in an effort to gain favor with egg donor.
One of son D’s friends was here and I asked him to go by her house and get the picture (I am going to send it to one of my hubby’s grandsons) and to Just tell her that I had asked him to get the picture and take it to my house (therefore not even indicating if I was here or not) and to NOT answer ANY thing about me if she asked. He said she did ask if my son C was still living here and he said “I’m not really sure.” LOL
Strength- The word brings to mind the illustration of Atlas holding up the world on his shoulders.
I think of us all and I think we have great strength to hold up burden. Our own and those of people around us. And while upholding those whatever else we were handed.
We have strength.
And what if, we decide to lay the burdens down? To shrug as it were, what have we then? Less?
I met a woman of such fortitude as I have never met not long ago. And, if it had not been for her dogged persistence, I might not be alive today. I am thinking about that. She was the Guardian Angel whose persistence pushed the Marshals into action. And the action took the insult from my house.
And gave me the opportunity to discover what was true. And that what he said and did, was not. I am inspired by her.
It is one thing to be strong. It is another to be able to act with the strength of conviction and resolve.
I will not forget ever the voice that greeted me here and led me to understanding no contact. Not Any, Not Ever.
Ox, your strength is that ability to reach out to others. If you were the Coast Guard, we’d all know you as the one with all the donuts – the life saving orange and white circles that when tossed to someone who is drowning become lifesavers.
Well Done.