By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
Thank you everybody, for your kind, but strong words. I need to hear your thoughts, if I like them or not. This is a very important time in my life, and I want to make the correct decision.
Oxy, funny how you use scripture to help with my perspective. A strong part of our relationship is our devotion to our faith. When we met, our church was and still is the basis for us to be together. I know, I know, it may be just another ploy to deceive me. But I do know factually she has attended her church for many years; her mother is a matriarch at her parish.
So, I do see effort with her; she wants to be good. I just think perhaps she can’t control it, self destructing.
And Annie, thanks for your compassionate words. It does seem to happen about once a month, so I do know PMS has a part in all of this. Oh, and I don’t need ‘protection’, as we have been practicing celibacy, due to our faith. But thanks anyway!
So many conflicting things for me to weigh. I do know I am experiencing abuse, and yet I see a good side to her. The question is now, do I really want this. I’m so glad I found this blog, though. I need to hear what ‘experienced’ people think, so Ican make the best decision.
Dear Brian,
Good for you. My opinion is that sex should be a bonding ritual between two people who love each other…for many reasons. So glad that is not a problem.
Being a “church member” doesn’t cut any slack with me unfortunately, because many people, like the Pharisees, use religion as a COVER for their very UN-SPIRITUAL practices. Look at all the priests that are involved in raping young men and boys and young girls and women. The cover up goes right to the VAtican. EVIL people, just like the Pharisees use their “holy” positions for lots of EVIL purposes—they even crucified Jesus and were in the process of hiring laying witnesses to give false testimony. Jesus warned us that there would be “wolves in sheep’s clothing” come into the flock. Most of Paul’s letters were to people who were doing wrong in the early churches and preaching lies.
I had a hard time with my “egg donor” (my maternal DNA donor) becasue I wanted to believe she was a Christian…she sits on the “front pew” every day the doors are open…but she lies and abuses, rants and raves and rages….and those are not the behaviors of a Christian, but of a false and fake “christian.”
The thing is we have to watch the BEHAVIOR of people to see what is going on with them. Do they talk the talk or walk the walk?
It is sort of saying “he is a really NICE guy– when he isn’t robbing banks.” LOL
I couldn’t get anyone to believe a word I said, even the people I had attended church with for many many years and who knew me well, had SEEN me—but they chose to believe the lies of my egg donor.
Well, truth is not about VOTING on what is right or wrong. Right is right and wrong is wrong. It doesn’t matter how many people believe something, it is still a lie. Back when MOST people believed the earth was flat it didn’t change the shape of the world. It is the same with any truth. “voting” on it doesn’t change it. So look at this woman’s behavior, not who her mother is or how loud she sings in church…look at the way she ACTS. The things she does and says. Are they true? Are they good? If not, then you don’t need this woman in your world. Find another place to worship.
Here’s an update…
Ive had no contact with him since he’s left a week ago Monday. He texted me twice last week and one IM on yahoo…all of which I did NOT respond to. His IM said something about if I dont go to Comcast to switch the bill to my name then he will shut it off later (I assumed that day, right?). So my Comcast was on Saturday night, Sunday, Monday, and today I get a simple text…FROM HIS NEW PHONE NUMBERS SAYING…
“did you go a switch comcast out yet?”
I CANT SWITCH SHIT OUT!!! Its not in my name…!!!
I did NOT respond, however, my heart began pulsating, I got sick to my stomache and felt VERY anxious…sounds kinda like symptoms of PTSD to me…HE seems to represent ‘something to fear’ in me…
Right?
Babe,
RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is GREAT news, Chica!!
You’re listening to your GUT!!!! DO NOT RESPOND!!! STAY NC!!
I promise it’ll get lots better for you!
So glad you came here to share that! It’s a step in a POSITIVE direction! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
LL
Something else I was thinking about today…has anyone else had the experience with their ‘person’ where they can almost ‘see’ the sociopath reer his/her head in what seems like out of the blue?
I thought about this today and realized if I looked back on all the bullshit, I remember noticing a CLEAR personality change soon before he would leave. Its almost as if I can clearly separate two distinct people…and so it goes…
Something goes ‘wrong’, he leaves, says really manipulative things, shows a definitive apathetic attitude, we dont speak for a time, he calls/texts/emails and is VERY sweet (what I have often mistaken as ‘normal’) and the cycle starts again…
It sounds strikingly famililar to the CYCLE OF ABUSE and characteristics of an abuser…
LL:
Soooooo, whats the reason to contact me about Comcast? To dangle the carrot in front….see if Ill jump? The bill is in HIS name…he knows that. He also knows he could just call Comcast to see if I did anything…
But he CHOOSES to contact me?
Huh?
Dear Brian12,
Take your time and use logic as well as emotion. Your girlfriend needs to address her issues via therapy or a doctor. The deciding factor in deciding if you should stay or if you should go is her willingness to address her issues.
If she does have hormonal changes every month, it’s up to her to figure out how to manage it effectively.
On this blog, we have all either been unhealthy, with an unhealthy person, or both. So we do, indeed, understand your dilemma.
I wish you the best!
Babe,
He did it BECAUSE HE CAN! Yes, to get a reaction out of you, the carrot dangling, he BAITED you.
IGNORE it!
You could respond babe, but if you do, he’ll just hurt you again. Try to see if you can see it this way. Each time he’s attempting to contact you, perceive it the WAY IT IS INTENDED!! TO SUCK YOU BACK IN TO HURT YOU. ANd that’s the ONLY reason.
It’s hard not to romanticize their attempts to contact, or to somehow humanize them.
But please try not to allow yourself to go there. Keep reading. There’s TONS of great articles here that will give you more insight into what spaths do and their behaviors.
You could change your perceptions of how you see him too. What brought you here? What bothered you SO MUCH about him that you’re here?
LL
Block his texts….NO CONTACT, IN OR OUT!
LL:
PERFECT! I sometimes need validation that what I ‘know’ is happening, really IS what I think is happening…(otherwise I feel that dang Irish Catholic guilt thang).
The vicerol response I had was the SAME response I had the LAST time he contacted me, which was what I responded to. I said that to my mom tonight too…”I dont even want to give him one ounce of a chance to hurt me anymore.”
What brought me here? My total confusion over what happened! I think I need someone to ‘check’ MY reality for me…so I type things that I feel were odd or bizzare and wait for the feedback.
What bothered me SO MUCH about him? It was the game…the crazy-making, talking in circles, attempt to dominate over me, violating, STUPID game. It was like he held his cards close (which he does for a period of time) to ‘draw me in?”…and once I was there the mask came off and there was this THING who TRIED to say and do things to hurt me…HOW FUCKING DARE HIM DO THAT TO ME!!!
Riddle me this…(so I can possilby sleep tonight 🙂
The time of ‘good’ is the bait…sorta like “look at ALL you can have…I cook, clean, AND do laundry”. And as I ‘buy into’ it, he doesnt have to try as hard…
The effort he once used to ‘try’ and ‘catch’ me is now being used to ‘try’ and ‘control’ me…assuming that I will be SOOO in love with him that I wont ‘see’ anything hes doing…Ill be blind.
As Im blind, he takes advantage of me UNTIL my eyes open and limitations, boundaries, lines drawn in the sand are made. He then gets ANGRY to intimidate, bully me back down to being blind…this is where the manipulation gets REALLY good.
What do I have that he wants though…Ive always wondered this. He NEVER had to ‘go there’ because everything I had he was welcome to. And is it frustration over NOT being able to strong arm me that allows him to leave for a time…THATS how he punishes me?