By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
robxsykobabe says: Yep. You got slimed. What do you have? Doesn’t matter. You were an opportunity, a door to exploitation. He did what spaths do. He’s a predator, you were the prey. Sometimes they want the cheese, sometimes they just want to cat/mouse you.
Your post reminded me how my husband copied much of his courting behavior from tv shows (no originality, he stole credit for everything I accomplished too).
One time, when I was so angry and asking him why was he with me… he replied.,”You complete me”. Then he smiled his charming smile, so satisfied with his brilliant answer and just SURE I was going to swoon.
I bet yours wants you for the same reason, b/c he’s into crazymaking.
Babe,
Affection, kind words, blah blah= manipulation
harsh words, withholding = punishment
No, he’s not leaving because he’s punishing you. He would be punishing you even he were around. you need to understand that what he did and what he’s doing now has nothing to do with you. What you were to him was an OBJECT that he now “owns” to some extent. He’s probably already got another victim lined up, babe, but just like mine did, that doesn’t matter to them either. the more the merrier.
Please STOP STOP STOP humanizing him. He doesn’t suffer “frustration’ like YOU would suffer frustration or for the same REASONS. IT’s just a game, babe and that’s IT!
He doesn’t want you and he doesn’t love you.
He doesn’t hate you and he doesn’t lack desire for you.
Do you see where I”m going with this? He is INCAPABLE of ANY OF IT, good OR bad.
Ox is right though.
As long as you have a door open to him, this is exactly what kind of reaction you’re going to have EVERY single time there is contact. They enjoy messin with your mind.
It’s up to you how long you continue to allow it.
LL
Katy,
Wasn’t that from a famous movie line that Tom Cruise uttered? lol.
Wow. No originality at all.
LL
LL:
Im readin you loud and clear!!! Thanks!
Babe,
In reply to your earlier post, they do seem like they could have a split personality. The spaths are able to become whomever they need to be at the present. They lovebomb then they abuse you and conviently forget the abuse part. Or we are labled as ‘crazy’ because we called them on their abuse.
Your question about what do you have that he wants? He wants to be able to control and manipulate you in order to amuse himself. You have a soul, he does not. On a different website about sociopaths they compared them to a vampire. I would have to agree, they take from people who are good, kind and have the ability to love.
It’s really best to not reply to him. I have to interact with my spath as we have children together and are going through a divorce. I try to not even look at him. Any interaction with him is bad for me, I know that he will be trying to get the upper hand and manipulate me. It’s the only way he knows how to act.
I don’t know your whole story but I see the pattern of your ex reeling you back in. Don’t respond or fall for it!
Hope,
I feel so bad for anyone here who has to deal with their ex because they share children.
I have six with my exP but he wanted nothing to do with them because he found a new victim that was far more entertaining and all about him. I’m thankful for that. When I was dealing with him, it was a nightmare!!!
I”m sorry that you have to on ANY level.
LL
Hopeforjoy:
Intersting thoughts…you see, he and I recently had a conversation regarding something you touched on. I had said something along the lines of “…oh, because Im easy for you?” And he responded “you’re not easy, trust me. There are people wayyyyyyyyyy easier than you…who would put up ALOT less resistance than you.”
I do believe a reason for him repeatedly coming back again and again and not giving up after 4.5 years is SIMPLY that…I may pose some ‘challenge’ to him where control and manipulation are concerned so it’s ‘fun’ to a degree for him, at first.
I also believe he gets ‘tired’ of not being able to suck me dry, retreats, maybe gets some ego boost with someone much ‘easier’, and comes back to do the same thing again.
What an absolute jack ass…
Babe,
Don’t kid yourself. He said that so you WOULD CONTINUE to be “easy” for him.
The reality that you continued with him, made you “Easy” for him. That’s how THEY see it.
You weren’t a challenge after the first time he knew he had you hooked.
It’s a GAME. and they play it with ANYONE who is willing to allow it.
The “challenge” you can now present to him is one of PERMANENCE. NO MORE CONTACT, PERIOD!!
LL
I am currently involved with one (Spath) and the more I learn about Spaths, the more I realize how sick he is. Even listeting to his VM message makes me sick. Its unfortunate how well they manipulate everyone. I have told him that if only his family, friends and coworkers knew who he really is, he would be alone. He calls me “crazy” — I am so happy to know that I am not. Before, I was obsessed with proving to him how he lied and cheated, blah, blah, blah and even then he would deny it. Now I am more focused on getting away from him in a safe way. LF has helped me so much I am able to see how much better we are without them… I cant wait to be at peace.
You go girl!!!! GO AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN!!!! Welcome to LF!