By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
LL,
I have the results from earlier today. Are you still here by chance?
E
Alina,
welcome.
You’re spath is disgusted with newborns?
I’m disgusted that he was ever born! Maybe I’m a spath!
LOL!
Seriously they all have a mother hatred thing going on.
There is some theory that they want to return to the womb so they can be the parasites that they were back then. They can take nutrients and give back waste products, just like a fetus does. In your spaths case, he was probably envious of the fetus/newborn, that’s why he was disgusted.
I have a spath brother and he has said, “I want to be like mom’s cat. She just lays around and everyone gives her everything.”
Eden,
Yea, just taking a last peek here before I head to bed, waiting for the pain med to kick in.
What’s up? What happened?
Sky;
But he is such a mama’s boy, I just dont get it. But when it comes to pregnancies, he does not understand how someone can love an unborn child so much without knowing them. Once upon a time when I thought I could have a family with this man, he said to me…”why would I want to have a baby that will take all your love and attention from me…” I thought he was kidding, but he wasnt. When we have been close a newborns (his nieces) he does not hold them and stays away as the smell makes him sick to his stomach (literally.)
Ox;
Thank God, I have been here (LF) to know that he was “gashlighting” I wished I had found this site 4 years ago, I would have never gotten involved with this person.
Alina,
one of the roots of sociopathy is ENVY. The newborn learns what is good or bad (for him) by watching what others perceive as good or bad (yummy, desireable or icky and not desirable). They have no logic or cognitive ability. All of their abilities for survival are based on emotions and their ability to discern emotions on other peoples’ faces. Remember how you get that toddler to eat his food? You say, “mmmm, yummy “and YOU pretend to eat it and love it. This copy cat behavior is called memetic envy. Spaths never outgrow it. They are infants and they envy everything and everyone. Your spath envies other infants. He want’s to BE them. All spaths want to wear other peoples’ skins. My exP, as I later found out, was mimicking the man who is now my BF! He would buy or build what my BF did. He even re-enacted the stories that BF told him! WHO DOES THAT? Of course ExP never told me that we were having sex in the row boat because his friend did it. WHO DOES THAT? A ten year old does. A SPATH does.
Alina, everything you are witnessing would look NORMAL if you were seeing it in a child. Think about it. So now you know what you are witnessing and what you can expect to witness: more childish behavior. For some reason he wants to regress back into the womb. Some trauma perhaps, made him decide that the best place to be is back inside mommy. He is envying the fetuses and newborns. He can’t understand loving something that doesn’t give without taking.
My exP, at the very end of our relationship said, “Love should be unconditional” and gave me a petulant look. Yeah, love should be unconditional for HIM. For me, it was quite different. He told me no one would EVER WANT me. and when I didn’t answer the phone one day…well, that was unacceptable, he said I would have to be punished with the END! When I asked him how that compared to the 25 years of faithful, loyal love, he said, “the past doesn’t count. only now”
LL, sorry. I got side tracked (tract?) Is it tract like housing tract or tracked like the Psychopath tracked me down? Wow, ok I am exhausted. I will catch up with you tomorrow, on this. I ran in to the P on Broker’s Caravan, today. It was an awesome experience, but now to tired to write. I’ll find you here, tomorrow. Sleep well! Why pain meds? Are you ok? Hope so!
Love to you,
Eden
Katy, I had the “You complete me” line too. Also, “I don’t know that you’re NOT The One.” Such manipulation, because he certainly DID know I wasn’t the one, and I always knew he wasn’t, not even close. Apparently, and he wrote this whilst stalking me on another board, it’s because he can’t let a woman go *until* she loves him. As soon as she does, he knows he’s through.
It wasn’t until I realised it was a trauma bond and not love I felt that I could even admit to MYSELF that I didn’t even like him. The only reason I was addicted was because of the level of abuse I was getting, which sparked off the familiar neural pathways of childhood. Anybody here who believes they still ‘love’ an abuser, I believe that more often than not that’s what it is.
Sky, my therapist said to me that she thinks all he wanted was to “get back in” (ie, mum, the womb). Love/hate for mother is a big feature in narcissism/sex addiction/spathy or borderline men.
robx – “The effort he once used to ’try’ and ’catch’ me is now being used to ’try’ and ’control’ me”assuming that I will be SOOO in love with him that I wont ‘see’ anything hes doing”Ill be blind.”
Yep. Seduction and control is what he wants. The ability to play with your feelings in order to feel powerful. Once, the narcissist I knew told me he’d found a packet of photos in his drawer that he couldn’t explain: didn’t know who they were or where they were taken. He told me he’d bring them to my house to show me, and I wondered why I would give a shit, but oh well. He went through at least twenty photos of 2 attractive girls, pretending to ask me about the architecture and wherever it could be, but it was all about making me jealous. He’s admitted he plays mindgames, mostly for that purpose.
Hi Alina, you’ll find loads of help here. Glad you already know it’s not you that’s crazy. 🙂
Verity:
WOW…”the ability to play with your feelings in order to feel powerful”…YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Makes pretty good sense to me…Im an ‘admitted’ facebook junkie. While he and I broke up with NC for 5 months, I had thought this to myself. One day I looked at his profile and saw a picture of him and his ‘new’ girlfriend as the profile picture. In the photo, I remember a couple things…the way he looked…it was, in fact, crazy-literally.
I also remember thinking INSTANTLY “he posted this to make me jealous”. Now, at the time I, of course, doubted myself thinking ‘you’re being overdramatic because your hurt’, but that thought wouldnt go away.
As of the last time I looked (over a week ago…Im staying OFF facebook), he had posted a picture of he and his son…lookign SOOOOO happy and fun. My INSTANT thought was, again…’he’s doign this to make me jealous.” It makes sense to me also as he had begun to show a SIGNIFICANT amount of attention to his son…so much that I actually mentioned to him how I felt ‘left out’ and ‘a third wheel’ and ‘the bottom of the barrel” when his son was around…This was SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT than how things had been. I somehow was ‘demoted’ and he seemed to use his eleven year old son as the pawn…WOW.
I wonder…does it seem as though these people are ‘attracted’ to the “fake?” I mean, thinking about the bullshit Ive gone through for a LONG time, I cant help to remember something he said…again..
While having NC for 5 months, he began to date someone who, in my opinion, was FAKE AS FAKE CAN BE. You see, she was into fitness (a personal trainer), did some modeling and acting, had all the ‘assets’ one may think of (HUGE fake boobs, nails, tan, ect), was married to an ex Mr Olypian (who strangled her in front of her daughters) and lived the life of a fitness industry person (maybe some of you understand this).
I too am into fitness (personal trainer/group ex instructor), however, I have NO ‘assets” (not even a fake tan) other than multiple degrees and years in education.
When we began ‘talkign’ again, I commented on the ‘similarities’ between she and I…those being we are VERY big into fitness (I was beginning to train for competitions). He commented stating “are you kidding me, you two are nothing alike. Maybe I was trying to date someone totally different than you to get my mind off you.”
That has resonated with me for a while as there are quite a few similarities between us, I think…us beign in the fitness industry beign the biggest one. This is a HUGE part of my life…and the ONLY part of hers.
Curious, eh?