By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
Aussiegirl, I would love that. Thank you. I will pay your kindness forward.
Silvermoon, yep, and I have visited some of them…and it is so scary to realize that we as humans have no rights there, and as women, EVEN LESS. We are brought up in this country to think that human life is valuable, but there are places it is so cheap—even worthless.
Valley girl, yea, it will get better, I think ity is the UN-EXPECTEDNESS that makes it as bad as it is. Hang in there. (((hugs)))
Moving on—..(edited from the internet)
People experience a wide range of emotions when a relationship ends and no two people experience it in exactly the same way or take exactly the same length of time to get over it. However, although it may not feel like it at the time, you can move on with your life following the breakdown of a relationship and, as well as time being a ’great healer’, there are several steps you can take to get your life back on track and to start to look forward again.
Grieving The Loss Of Your Relationship
First of all, you need to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship when it ends. Initially, you may choose to do this internally on your own, although some people find that they want to seek support from other family members or close friends straight away and there is no harm with either approach.
However, you will be processing thoughts and emotions internally, which might include things like guilt, anger, blame, jealousy, shock and denial and despair, depression and sometimes a complete lack of self-worth. Ultimately, however, you will, at some point, want to confide in close friends and perhaps other family members. You might even seek out professional help if you are finding it impossible to come to terms with.
Practicalities
If you share property and/or have children together, you’ll need to spend some time sorting out the practicalities of things like joint finances, living arrangements, access to children etc and the sooner you can sort out some agreed arrangements and establish some kind of new routine, the better that will be for all concerned.
Effects On Children
Don’t forget that your children will probably be feeling just as hurt and vulnerable as you and you may find that they’re going to need constant reassurance that things are going to work out just fine, especially in the early stages of the break up.
Keep On Top Of Your Health
The ending of a relationship is stressful and we can often neglect our health. Therefore, it’s important to still maintain a healthy balanced diet and to take regular exercise as both of these things are important alleviators of stress induced negative moods.
Stick To Routines
If you have a well-maintained daily routine, it’s important you stick to it. It’s especially important that you maintain any regular meetings, social or sporting get-togethers with family or friends. Locking yourself away in isolation is only going to make matters far worse.
Never Look Upon The End Of A Relationship As A Failure
Don’t fall into the trap of viewing your entire relationship in terms of it being a total failure. Life is all about successes and making mistakes and no relationships, even the most successful ones, are ever free from mistakes. The ending of a relationship is often an important stepping stone to discovering what it is you want and don’t want out of any future relationship and it gives you the opportunity to discover more about yourself and how you might approach a relationship differently next time around.
And You Do Have A Future
There will be a ’next time’ and another relationship, if you choose, to look forward to. It’s crucial that you don’t simply get stuck in the past grieving constantly over your former relationship. Once you’ve got the grieving process out of the way you should start to set some fresh goals in your life and take manageable steps towards achieving them.
Don’t Apportion Total Blame On Yourself
Don’t end up foisting total blame on yourself for the relationship ending. Tell yourself you’ll learn from those lessons and then move on.
Look To The Future
As you start moving forward, you should be looking to gain a total acceptance of who you are as a person, what lessons you have learned from the relationship, take any positive steps in terms of setting new goals and maybe even change your attitude and approach to relationships. Work through these issues gradually until you are satisfied that you have got rid of any remaining emotional baggage
I thought we could do an exercise on a score of 1 to 10 on ‘where you are today’?
(10 being ready to date again) And if anyone scores 10—”.. BINGO you’re on a home run!!
Somehow I do not think there will be a stampede any time soon!
Dear Candy,
Well, I actually think I am ready to date again, but you know there is NOT a line of guys out my door waiting to date me…and, you know, come to think of it, I don’t really care that there isn’t a big long line out the door. It might be NICE if there were, but I am so picky now that it is going to have to be a VERY special guy to make me even interested in going out much less anything more. LOL
I know exactly what I want and DON’T want in any future relationship. My last husband died and I did grieve that relationship and its loss….and the loss of the fantasy relationship I had with the P Now-X BF that came after my late husband. I realize now that I am perfectly OK by myself, and that’s a good thing. I’m not willing to lower my “standards” just to have a RELATION-SHIT with someone. I want some ONE not just someone…if that makes sense.
I have discovered a great deal about myself, and some of it, frankly, I didn’t like worth a darned and I’ve changed it! I’m making something better than I was out of myself, and I’m feeling pretty good about the person I am becoming.
Like Charlie Sheen, I’m not going to pretend any more that I’m NOT SPECIAL. LOL Because I AM SPECIAL, and any guy who gets a second look from me has got to be pretty darn special too! LOL
oh guys – bad news over here, and i am feeling abused. the n landlord has rented to yet another douchebag – and this one moved in above me. he gets up at 2:30 in the morning, roams around for 2 hours and goes to work. he is a morning dj.
oh my god.
just went up and talked with him – very nice, very kind – and he was very defensive. fuuuuck. i want to cry….another fucking douchebag.
and i hear from another neighbour that the landlord is thinking about moving in the crazy ass step son that got kicked out over a year ago.
One,
Are you in a position to move at all? Or is that a stupid question?
Sounds like a lot of disruption to a relatively peaceful existence?
LL
another abuser. another one.
hi ll – nope. no money for it, and no car. this is a very hard place to find housing. it’s very expensive and crappy – or i would have left already.
my heart is just breaking. i feel so hit.
(((( hugs ))))
I”m so sorry One. I live in an apartment and I have more than once wanted to SHOOT the bastards next door who have been told OVER AND OVER to turn down their stereo at two in the morning.
Or the druggies across the way who decide they want to party every Friday/Saturday night, while their drunk friends puke three floors off the balcony that faces my bedroom window. Nice.
It is VERY disruptive to your peace of mind. I’m sorry you are STUCK THERE. THAT TOTALLY SUCKS!
LL
ll – this place has never been a peaceful existence. i have had to fight tooth and nail. it is also the place that was toxic to me when i moved in.
this guy was fighting with his girlfriend today, and i went and put some music on. so, i am sure part of the pissiness was that he knows i heard him being horrid earlier today.