By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
Silvermoon,
Thank you. I sit here with tears streaming down my face at your post. All the “livesavers” and “donuts” in the world tossed to a person will not save them though, unless they are willing to grasp those aids.
I have always been fascinated by stories of survival under horrible hardship. The stories of survival in the Nazi camps, the Japanese prisoner of war camps, and I knew a man who was on the Batan Death March. Stories of Andersonville and Devil’s Island. I just finished reading a book about the men who survived the wreck of the Nantuckett whaler Essex in 1819, who got to the point they drew straws to see which of them would kill one of the 4 survivors in one of the whale boats after a sperm whale had wrecked their ship (Moby Dick was based on part of this story) and the man who drew the straw to be the sacrifice so that the other three could live, and the man who had to pull the trigger on his friend’s life in order to live both submitted to what had to be done in order for any of them to survive.
While I know that the physical trauma that most of us have suffered here is not as intense as that these men suffered or that Dr. Viktor Frankly suffered in the Nazi prison camps of WWII, but the emotional horror and trauma that many of us here have been through I think has been as Dr. Frankl said, like a “gas” and FILLS US ENTIRELY whether the trauma was little or much, the pain is ENTIRE.
I think about how I felt during child birth, the pain though it was in only one portion of my body was TOTAL PAIN, and if I mash my thumb with a hammer while driving a nail, my pain, while confined to ONLY my thumb is TOTAL pain. Our strength and our survival in spite of the trauma, in spite of the fear, anxiety, etc. is a marvel and we do what we have to do. The men from the Essex made a critically bad decision to sail east instead of west to try to reach land, and several people paid for this decision with their lives, because if they had sailed west, probably they would have all lived. We sometimes make some poor decisions based on the information we have at the time which is incorrect. The consequences of those decisions are sometimes extreme but we face them and go on.
I am so happy for you Siver that you have grasped that strength to stay NC and to pull yourself up by your own boot straps and not only to survive but to prosper! TOWANDA for you and my hearty congratulations! (((hugs)))))
robxsykobabe, i think the best and most accurate way to view your situation, or “the” situation if you will… is that you weren’t dumped at all. For you to be “dumped” on relationship terms, this would have had to be a REAL relationship- which it was not. It was a predatory involvement, in nature. A vampire seeks out his prey, sucks its lifeforce/blood out of it, takes what he needs, and disappears. An involvement with a psychopath is NEVER a true relationship, it always consists of a predator and a victim. Granted, the predator masquerades himself as a Knight In Shining Armor for however long he possibly can while attempting to undermine you in any way… but nonetheless, he always remains a predator. You don’t know when he will be back “for more.”
That’s why they compare the behavior of a psychopath and a victim with a cat and a mouse. The cat catches a mouse- doesn’t kill it, but toys around with it, purely for enjoyment. He claws, bites, tosses it up in the air and bruises it up a good deal. Then the cat gets bored… leaves the mouse there, bruised up, bloody and broken for a bit. Ah-ha, and then the cat returns just a bit later as boredom strikes him again, and he jostles the mouse up some more. ( of course, as someone who has two cats, i mean no offense to kitties… who are carnivorous by nature and have big big hearts. But the analogy serves a good purpose, it’s very succinct. To the mouse, the cat is by all means- a predator. )
The Psychopath put up a shoddy masquerade ( a cardboard cut out of Johnny Depp, let’s say ) and manipulated you to see THAT, whilst he PREYED and took ADVANTAGE of you– the sole purpose of that masquerade being to have you put your guard down and expose vulnerabilities– so he could FEED in his perversity.
He cranks his behavior up or down depending on what he WANTS at the time. Think about the cat and rat analogy. With a twist.
I *see* the disgusting self-centered M.O. behind every thing you mentioned about him- especially the blame-shifting ( making YOUR word the issue and not HIS lack of responsibility. Acting clueless as a means to an end ) . You were not dumped, you were preyed on. End of story.
Hi robx,
you said the reply from ex was :
His reply”
“really? YOU are taking (his son) to the city and you’re asking if I have any money?”
“What do you mean, IM taking him to the city. Aren’t we all going”wasn’t that the deal?”
“NOOOOOO, you said YOU would be taking him to the city for a reward for good grades. Now hes earned them and you dont want to go?”
“I dont remember saying I was taking him anywhere. That doesnt even sound like something Id say.”
“Well, I told him YOU said YOU were taking him. I guess Ill have to tell him you said no.”
were all these statements made by him or is it a conversation between you and him meaning some of the above statements were made by you to him.
the reason I am asking is I got an alarm bell ringing as my jerk would also deny what he said and his common phrase “I don’t remember having said that”.
selective loss of memory always to benefit him and the end result would be, no discussion, topic would never come to a close or get resolved.
you are getting very good advice her robx.
I was in a mess 3 months ago and the caring posters here were so so so helpful in getting me out of the fog.
petite
Petitie,
I found that “game” to be one of my spaths most painful. It happened constantly. Diversion tactics, outright lying, changing the subject and “I never said that” right out of a spath book.
Who the hell is going to question THAT?
I’m seeing how I got USE to those kinds of exchanges to where they were normal, even though I was MISERABLE.
Glad to see you Petitie, you’re DEFINITELY sounding a lot stronger!!!
LL
Petite,
They will lie by every possible means available to them. By commission, omission, mixing in truthful statements with the lies, the old faulty memory lie, and many others. It’s second nature to them and somehow leaves the conversation at an end because we can’t call The spath would turn it around so we are doubting facts that would them on it. If we were to say, “That’s a lie, I know you said so and so”. hold up in a court of law. I don’t know how the spaths can do this so well, I’m just so glad I don’t have to deal with it daily anymore.
Oxy,
I liked this article about strength. I used to be so afraid to speak up. Spath would tell me to be careful what I said and I became a mute. During counseling I would write out things that were a problem and hand it to the counselor. My strength was hidden. Why was I afraid to speak my truth? I’m not sure, but so blessed to be out of that hell.
Even spending a few minutes with him is draining. It’s like he sucks the life out of the room. Spath said he knows we’ll get back together and could he go on vacation with us. I told my lawyer and he got a chuckle out of that. He said he knows now what I’ve had to put up with all those years.
The strength to see the truth was in me all along. I feel so much better in my body and my mind, I wake up happy and feel so blessed.
Spath is probably living his life in debauchery, now that he doesn’t have to hide it from me. Hope that he catches something incurable or gets arrested. A girl can dream.
Hi Hpe4joy.
thnaks for reminding me the various forms in which their lies are told to us.
I could not understand this – did you miss some words – and somehow leaves the conversation at an end because we can’t call The spath would turn it around so we are doubting facts that would them on it.
Hi LL,
thanks to you and all of you here I am getting the strength to see thru the whole fake string of emotions which he showered me with at all times.
LL< I can tell you, that your posts are simply amazing and such a help to me, the way you said – ;;flip what they say ; and the way you analysed word by word the email for DW from her jerk, I am so impressed by you.
I think you are ready for your next semester and put all your energy there, get your credits and do not even look in the direction of the exPOS at all.
I did send you a post to that effect – saying it does not matter who the next woman is, they will be on the same merry go around – just going round and round, and they will finally fall. Unless they are disordered as Katy said and think that going round in circles is a happy life.
LL – thank you so much. I do go into the phases of him with the next woman and giving her my dream and then I think of the merry go round analogy and what others here like Katy and Oxy have said and touch base with reality. It is not easy but WE BOTH are getting there.
thanks my friend
petite
Dear Hope4joy,
Darling, you sound WONDERFUL! Yes, you ARE STRONG and I’m glad you have found that strength and are using it! ((((hugs))))
Sweet Petite,
I’m glad you have found your strength as well, my dear! You are also strong and I am so glad to see and hear you exercising that strength to see through his lies. (((hugs)))))
Hi hope4joy,
thanks for telling me about his various forms of lies, I think I have got the gut feeling of the same.
you said : It’s second nature to them and somehow leaves the conversation at an end because we can’t call The spath would turn it around so we are doubting facts that would them on it.
cannot understand, did you miss out some words. not sure.
petite
Petitie,
Thank you, but ya know what brings everyone here? The strength they already possess and don’t know yet, that they have…
I was thinking about this today too….surviving a relationshit with a spath is strength on its own. We put up with a lot of SHIAT out of these people, some longer than others, but I’ll tell ya what, if you can walk out of it, you’re strong. 🙂
I think what LF does is just build on what you already have but don’t know you have yet. These people help you in clearing the fog the spath’s create. From there, well, you take off 🙂
And that’s just what you’re doing petitie
Love, LL